I’m in the throes of some major growing pains with The Poo.
The older she gets, the more demanding she becomes. And frankly, I was certain that once the infant stage passed us by, that we’d waded through the worst of it.
Two wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. We had a few bumpy months, mostly due to my own lack of backbone and terrible tender heart, which prevented me from doling out the discipline she needed.
But now?
Oh, now.
She needs me to play with her and entertain her 14 hours a day. From 7 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. (and remember, she hasn’t napped since February), I am her sole preferred playmate. If I didn’t have preschool to look forward to, I might’ve run away from home.
I harbored a secret about this in my heart, a secret I was afraid to share here for fear of how you might judge me.
Then I read a post titled “White Flag” by Kelly at A Child Is Born, and I no longer felt that pressure in my chest to hide my feelings.
Because Kelly said it for me.
Her brilliant post reveals how she isn’t the kind of mother who lives to get down on the floor and make-believe. She does it, because she is a good parent. But it is an effort. Her mind strays. She wants to be doing other things, the kind of activities that make up a adult life of the mind, reading and writing and generally being solitary.
She wants to sit with her children playing at her feet, present but not fully engaged.
This is what I hope for in my heart of hearts, as well.
I was shamed by this feeling, but Kelly took that away and left me breathless with the knowledge that I am not the only one.
This is what keeps me coming back for more of this blog culture. This discovery that my feelings and my foibles are shared by so many others, a chain that links all parents – particularly mothers – throughout the ages.
If you haven’t visited A Child Is Born, please add it to your feed reader right now. Kelly is thoughtful, brutally honest, beautifully human, intelligent and one of the strongest voices I’ve ever encountered.
For all these reasons and more, I am awarding White Flag a November Perfect Post Award.
Kelly, you earned it.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Amen. Kelly is a fabulous writer.
I totally agree
I agree 100%.
Oh, I have so felt this way! My DH is the playmate, he can be silly, crash trucks, scream train whistles. I grimace and enthusastically make it through 3 minutes.
Its hard to choose SAHMotherhood and then not be able to play this role. But I realize that I give so much in other areas, and that my son gets these things through my husband and school. And my difficulty in being the playmate has helped this only-child (so far) learn to play on his own (which is SO important). By the way, that play-on-their-own thing does start to kick in between 2.5-3, so hang in there.
I’m off to read Kelly!
I didn’t read the post, but I use to be ashamed of not playing with my kids. I was always in the room with them and would talk to them, but get down on the floor and play, uh, NO. I felt better when my therapist thought I was nuts for thinking that I SHOULD play with my kids.
Now, my desk is in the playroom and I will sit on the computer while they play with me. My husband gives me grief, but I don’t see him playing with much either. Just because I stay home with my kids, doesn’t mean I have to be their playmates. Besides, my daughter has too many rules and my son is currently the Destroyer. I would rather not get involve.
Too true.
I’m not a get-on-the-floor-and-play Mom. I consider it ‘fostering independence’.
Very good post.
Such a great post. My husband and I usually have at least one portion of each day when we sit or lie prone like beached whales and little man runs around us. We like to pretend we’re “engaged”
You are so very kind! I’m glad you liked the post, and glad that it resonated. (I’m also glad that I’m not alone in sometimes wanting to do something…anything…else but play house.)
I was going to nominate that same post. The timing completely got away from me. I’m glad you did: Kelly rocks.
I know exactly how you feel. And thanks for the pointer to Kelly.
I read this already and it is a great post and I related 110%. She deserves all the recognition.
Thank you very much for the link, Kelly is great and so are you.
I do not recall my parents spending much time on the floor. I am sure there was the odd occasion but it was not a regular thing.
I don’t recall being entertained or requiring constant stimulation from outside. Heaven help you if you told my Mother you were bored or didn’t know what to do.
I do remember hours of completely immersed creative play.
I too have felt this guilt. I have come to realize that the problem lies with me. Not that the realization gave me any real peace but at least i know that it’s irrational guilt!
Great post, great link!
I thank you for pointing this out to me!
Somewhere along the way things have changed and its hard to keep up. I was let loose as a child. Now I have to sit and play with the kids on the floor all day long with small breaks for my own me time.
You are not alone. Sometimes I think having another kid would be worth all the anxiety and sleepless nights if I could just get someone else to play with my son for awhile!
Of course men are good at acting like children… because they are not acting.
This reminds me of a famous french movie actor, while talking about working with children on the set of “The Chorus”. He commented that you cannot compete with child actors – because they are not acting. The scene is real for them. They are in the adventure.
This was good to read. I also feel the same way. Since I’ve had kids I’ve tried to find out what other SAHMs do with their days, but no one will really tell me. So then I think I am the only one who doesn’t spend the whole day cooking, cleaning, and playing with my kids. I think I am the only one who sits on the couch trying desperately to do something I want to do while I ignore the kids trying to get my attention on the floor (not to mention ignoring dinner and vacuuming).
Maybe I’m not the only one. Thank you.
I can’t wait to read that. I love it when people articulate the shadowy parts of ourselves.
And I snorted after reading your first paragraph.
Girl, one word: preteen.
I am not a natural born engaged mother.
To hear anyone else admit the same soothes me.
I’m another mom avoiding the playtime with the kids. I always feel bad that my hubby can sit for hours and push trains or cars around. I do it from time to time… and I only last about 15 minutes before I start itching to move on to my next activity!
Thank you for posting this… I’m off to read Kelly’s post now!
I am not a play in the floor kind of mother either. My 8 year old thinks I should be. She wants me to play all the time, I do but I would rather be blogging. There I said it. I justmylife is a blogaholic! I feel better!HAHAHAHA! No really I feel better just knowing I am not the only one.
I have this weird stray thought… based on some recent therapy appointments when my therapist told me that I *can’t* be the one who soothes everything for E. She says that the bond is too close, we’re too entrenched for me to solve E’s (she’s almost three) problems. Sometimes Dad has to engage and become the foil she needs.
I wonder if this is “at play” sometimes with us mothers who wish we didn’t have to get down on the floor and push trains?
I am the watercolor and crayons lady. We do crafts — with a creative medium *between* us, sometimes E-driven and sometimes we-driven. She wanted no part of my husband in this adventure today.
But she goes to Home Depot with him and “helps” him put up Christmas lights outside and sprawls on the floor to play trains with him.
They’re very physical together, but we are, too — hugging and talking as girls do.
Anyway, it relieved me to think about the idea that kids need to not do all the playing with mom. I’m the one who wakes up a minute before she does in the middle of the night. I’m there for her, even if I tell her I need to do chores when she wants me to set up her trains.
It’s interesting that this has recently become an issue – I don’t think our mothers ever felt guilty for not playing with us. If my brother and I ever told out mom we were bored, she would find something for us to do and it usually involved cleaning of some sort!