The Poo finally exhibited her worst behavior in front of her daddy.
Last night we attempted 5 o’clock Mass, and our girl was in top form. Backtalk, loud talking, yelling, singing at the top of her lungs, fake burping (I know, what the hell?), inappropriate dancing, defiance, extreme wiggling … all in front of the other handful of families who risked driving in the freezing rain.
That was, for me, the worst part of The Poo’s display. There was a family behind us in the crying room whose two preschool-age girls were angels. They sat and listened and generally comported themselves in the way I want my own daughter to behave.
I was so embarrassed, feeling their eyes on me. I’m sure it was sympathetic, but you know what it feels like to handle a naughty kid with other parents around. You feel like a failure.
At least, I do.
Finally I took her outside and made her sit on some stairs for a time-out, where she told me off in that little-girl voice of hers.
Her words were loud enough to attract the attention of her father, who stalked out of the crying room loaded up with our coats and bags. He dressed The Poo for the outdoors and told her that her privileges for the evening were being revoked.
“No Culver’s for dinner, and no TV for the rest of the night,” he told her grimly, toting her out to the car like a sack of potatoes as she wailed at the injustice and did her best to wheedle him into changing his mind.
The car ride home was, for me, excruciating. The Poo was hysterical, hiccuping and yelling, by turns telling us off and telling us she loved us. She’d settle down, and then start up again when we reiterated the consequences of her naughty behavior.
As we pulled into the garage, she managed one last, valiant attempt to get her precious TV time back.
“I know! I have an idea!” she said, in between little sobs. “I have an idea to make your mad faces go away! I love you guys!”
Oh, my heart. My tender, sympathetic heart. I almost broke at that one, after the 30 minutes of pathetic crying. I turned my biggest, saddest eyes on my husband, pleading in that silent way that married couples have.
He shook his head briefly, swept The Poo into the house, and sent her to her room for an age-appropriate three-minute time-out for telling me that she was going to “throw me away.”
It was agony. I was certain she would vomit, or pull her bookcase over in her frantic attempt to get out of her room. She shrieked my name over and over while I paced outside her door.
My husband gave me his steely eyes and said this:
“She’s fine. And she needs to understand that we will not tolerate the defiance. She cannot laugh at us, she cannot tell us no.”
I admire this about Mr. Chicken. Because I cave. Every time.
I hate anger. It twists me up inside in ways I can’t explain. I can’t stand it when people are angry at me. And being angry myself is extremely uncomfortable. In fact, my most frequent reaction to my own anger is tears.
Trust me. I’ve had years of therapy for various bouts of depression, and also sought counseling after my father’s death. Yet, I’ve never been able to really get to the bottom of this weakness, this fear of anger. I could have gotten there with my last shrink, Dr. Clark, a very level-headed and extremely kind man who once wrote me a note I still carry in my wallet.
The note reads:
“You have permission.”
But we moved, and now I’m trying to get by with his voice in my head, telling me it’s OK to live my own life the way I see fit.
After The Poo was released from her time-out, she ran into my arms, her small chest heaving with misery. I took her in my bedroom for a cuddle, to help her calm her breathing. I turned her hot, red, tear-stained face to my own and told her I loved her.
“But my love, you may not behave that way,” I said, gently. “There are a lot of rules in this life. Mommy and Daddy are trying to teach you how to follow the rules.”
She nodded, and told me she was sorry. “Mommy, I’ll be a good girl in church. I’ll do good listening. Now can I watch TV?”
Her eyes were hopeful, and in that moment I could have said yes. Instead, I told her no, and promised to read to her instead.
We went downstairs, where she also apologized to her father. He gathered her in his arms and gave her a long, hard hug. A few minutes later she was asleep on his shoulder at 6:30 p.m.
Laying her fully clothed in her crib, I watched her sleep for a minute. Turning to leave the room, I turned back once more, loving her.
My husband is right. She needs to learn the rules, she needs to learn to respect us. It’s time for a crackdown.
My biggest hope is that in doing so, I can also teach her that no matter what, no matter how angry we may seem, that she is always loved.
Because me? I don’t always know that.
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And that’s one huge reason why there are dads.
I’m with you on the anger thing. I detest directing it toward someone or having it directed toward me. I think that must be common. Especially for women.
I’ve made a point of telling my kids that when I’m angry with what they’ve done, I always, always love them. I don’t always like what they’ve done or how they’ve acted, but for them the love is always there. They seem to have gotten it and we can sit down and separate the behavior from the kid (Evan can do it himself and Flynn’s getting there). I’ve done this because it’s what my own childhood lacked. Good luck with the crackdown, Poo will be a better person for it. You know that and you are a great parent.
Wow, way to go Mr. C. {Sigh} This is such a hard thing – and Smooch is younger than the Poo, so I know we still have a long way to go on this road. We are just starting to see his first tantrums and big expressions of anger, but he doesn’t have many words to throw out at us. I crumple inside when he is angry and screaming “MAMA! …MAMA!DADA!MAMA!” at me. I can’t imagine hearing his little voice proclaim I should be thrown away.
Good, good, good luck to you on the crackdown. Your goal is so spot-on… teaching her, lovingly, that there are rules that must be followed in this life – and that no matter what emotions are flying about, she is loved. You can get there, you can do that. (And I bet that in the process, it will give you some resolution for your own outlook on anger. Just a thought.)
I share your pain, Mrs. Chicken! Being a parent is not easy. Now, may I make a suggestion? I highly recommend “Kids, Parents and Power Struggles” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I also recommend any of her other books. They are all about understanding your child and yourself, learningohow to help your child through conflict such as this (and avoiding it!). The Champaign Public library has this book. Check it out, you’ll be glad you did!
Daddy’s are the best when it comes to the crackdown when its hardest on us Mom’s to keep going with it. I am still learning myself how to keep the time outs and the follow thru still going cause that is the hardest part.
You are a fine Mom and I look up to you! Stay strong she will learn!!
Nice job, Mr. and Mrs. Chicken! What you did was show her where the boundary of her behavior lies – she didn’t know. The more she understands where those boundaries are, the safer and more loved she’ll feel. There’s anger and awfulness in the learning sometimes, but the outcome far outweighs it.
I think Mr. C. did the right thing. But, Mrs. C., I understand — too well — how you feel here. I, too, am petrified of expressed anger. There was so much of it when I was growing up. None of it had to do with me, but did it ever leave scars.
And, consequently, guess who does the disciplining for the kids’ serious infractions in our house? Why, Slouching Dad, of course.
xxoo
hey, that was a good job you two! Usually the very best parenting is the kind that takes it all out of us, the most love, the most self-discipline, the most effort, the most energy. You guys are giving her the very best.
And with that, you will find your way towards her understanding that discipline and love are not enemies – nor even are anger and love. Anger is just a feeling. Love is so much more.
I think the two of you made a great team in this case. I’m taking notes.
Good for you two for sticking to your guns on this one!
She needed a time out. Good for you two for removing her from the situation and following through with her punishment. Kids really do need to learn boundaries and that their actions have consequences. I know it’s tough, but you did the right thing.
Just the other day mine slammed her bedroom door and then proceeded to come back out and shove me. You better believe she got a time out. I had to hold her down. She told me she doesn’t like time outs. Yes, that’s the point. I told her she had to stay there until she was calm enough to talk about what she did.
I always have her tell me what she did wrong and why it was wrong and apologize. Then I always hug her and tell her I love her.
She’ll be a better person in the long run because I have been consistent with her. And when I threaten a time out, I really mean it.
All that being said, I think you have to use them wisely (not for every tiny thing) or they lose their effectiveness.
You (and Mr. C) did great.
i think it is the most important thing to learn.
and good luck with the crackdown. it’s important. and hard. but boundaries matter, and she will learn that she is loved along the way.
Leeanthro – you’re right. We reserve serious time-outs for serious offenses. Minor offenses get a small amount of time in the naughty chair.
And you better believe today she is being an ANGEL.
Wow – what a touching post. Parenting is hard and it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job.
You know I don’t have kids, so the only experience I have to judge from is my own. But my wish about my parents is that they would have been tougher on me, because growing up as a brat takes a LONG time to get over and has hindered me in so many ways.
Maybe it’s time for another note? One that says “Love is always, even when it’s hidden”
dads are so good at doing the things we can’t bring ourselves to do sometimes. i don’t always like it, but later i am so grateful.
he did good. you did good. it’s all good.
I’ve SO been there…it does help to have a “heavy” doesn’t it? But I’m sure you also know that, like that note said, you do have permission. Permission to be that mom who loves her child so very much that she will guide her with discipline and consequences for her actions.
P.S. Today in church someone else’s little boy walked up and down the aisle in the sanctuary while slowly disrobing. I had to laugh, mainly out of relief that it wasn’t one of my three this time.
Be proud of yourself for sticking to the punishment, in a loving manner. And of the commitment to the crackdown. It is the most precious gift you can give her.
This may sound silly, but in animal behavior science the most powerful way to develop a behavior (either good OR bad) is an intermittent reward system. This means that if sometimes the dog gets the roast off the counter, he’s going to keep trying even if he gets yelled at the other 10 times. Sometimes this seems to apply with kids too. That’s why the consistency is so important. Cause that one time you give means they are gonna keep on trying. (naturally I mean this about the big things, not the small stuff!)
Today our day was equally bad. It hurts and is exhausting. YOU did a great job.
I think you did well, Chicken family.
My girl takes everything too heart, is easily crushed. She recently sassed me good and had something taken away. (She’s 9 & has picked up a mouth on her.)
She was in her bed, crying & crying.
We spoke quietly, when I realized she was upset because she – like me, maybe like you? – feels she has to be perfect to be loved.
I told her the punishment stood; she has to face consequences. But I knew she would make mistakes sometimes & that I loved her, always.
I hope she hears me when I say it.
I think the Poo feels your love for her.
Wonderful post. I think so many people have trouble with discipline. It’s so hard to be angry… and it’s even harder to have children angry at you.
to heart – I can’t type today
I’ve been there, too. It’s tough to parent in these situations, especially if you feel like you’re the only one going through it. But you’re not. Trust me on this one.
I also know how it feels when your child is acting up in the midst of other seemingly angelic kids who sit with hands folded, looking on. It’s hard not to feel embarrased, wanting to run and hide away. And even though you KNOW every Mom and Dad go through the same thing, they are not going through it at that moment, and that’s hard. But you have a good heart, and are obviously a good parent. A lesser parent wouldn’t care so much.
She knows she’s loved. She’ll be fine.
Oh my heart, this scene has replayed with us quite a few times now. It is hard. Our son, too, uses that phrase; where do they GET that? It is so hard, all of it, but you guys so did the right thing. And you will continue to do so. It’s age, so much of it, and perhaps a little spirit mixed in. I always end our angry-talks with an ‘I love you,’ because I also feel like that must resonate at the end of the day. (Hugs)
You have NO idea how much this post spoke to me. Every single word of it.
I wish I could say more, but I’m having a hard time catching my breath.
Oh dearheart, I am with you all the way. The crackdown is so hard but so necessary. Especially when we have emotional baggage and scars to deal with ourselves. I hate those hard nights. But no means no.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you all. Hugs.
And P.S. We always make sure we talk about our love, too. “We love you always, but that does not mean you are allowed to break the rules.”
Sounds to me like the two of you handled it calmly and smoothly. And giving her boundaries shows her another kind of love, one that she will grow to respect and appreciate in the years to come.
Wow, I’ve been struggling with this same thing for about a week now, and you’ve put it into words much better than I could have. Thank you. And good luck.
“I was so embarrassed, feeling their eyes on me. I’m sure it was sympathetic, but you know what it feels like to handle a naughty kid with other parents around. You feel like a failure.”
Oh good god, do I KNOW this feeling. Payton was uncontrollable for over two years. Uncontrollable.
I’m behind you on standing firm. There are rules we have to follow. And yes, that’s coming from the rule-breaking Queen. Of course, I think the distinction is teaching kids which rules are worth breaking and which ones you’ll pay too high of a price to break. But that’s me and my non-conformist ways.
Something I want to mention…do you think Mass is just too much sensory stimulation for her? The Poo is a bright girl and bright kids are more sensitive to their surroundings. When Payton was younger, he’d act out in similar ways when he was on sensory overload. Combine being tired and oh. my. god.
I’m all for drawing those boundaries for kids, but I think we parents sometimes miss the step of really understanding why our kids are acting the way they are. A lot of times I just assumed Payton was testing my authority…and sometimes he was. But now that he’s older and I understand him more, I can look back and see that a lot of times, it was more than just testing limits. I know see a lot of times, it was the crowd, the noise, the stimulation, etc. Because he is so bright and has these heightened senses.
Ok, I’ll shut up with my assvice now. I just know that feeling of being judged as a parenting failure SO SO well and it hurts my heart to hear another mom feeling the same thing.
You’re doing a fantastic job!
I am right there with you. My own just-turned 3-yr old is behaving like this all the time now.
Thanks for providing a model of how to handle this effectively. It is so hard! (Thank god we have great husbands. Mine’s the “heavy” too)
Oh Mrs. Chicken…I apologize for the novel length comment! I got on a roll and didn’t realize I blathered on that much.
I have the same issues with my 3 1/2 year old and have the hardest time standing my ground. In fact he threw himself down in front of the entire congregation after the service on Sunday. Which of course, was an ego boost in the partening department I could have used without. I promptly grabbed him and walked out the door with a smile on my face until I could make it to the car where the rest of the family was waiting.
Thank you for your post. I feel your pain and its somehow comforting to know that we all have the same troubles.
It’s so very hard. Kudos to you and Mr. Chicken for being wonderful, loving and caring parents.
God, I feel the same way so much of the time. Why anger is so scary I don’t know. And by the way, I have sat on those steps with my daughter many times. I imagine I’ll be sitting there for years to come.
I’m a caver too. My hubs is the strong one who knows what precise discipline the kids need when they need it. It’s such a delicate balancing act – being firm enough to teach them, but loving enough to let them know that even though you detest their behavior…you still love them through and through.
I love the card you carry, btw.
Another great post. I’m not a caver generally and neither is my husband. But we always – no matter how angry we get – make sure the girls know that even if we’re mad, we still love them. Hugs and I love you’s following a punishment are good practices.
It’s easy to talk about “tough love” tactics but so much harder to actually live by them. You did it today…and you can definitely do it tomorrow. Poo isn’t a bad kid…she’s just really hip to how easily you say you give in. Show her how tough you can be and she’ll catch on. I’m proud of you!
The most loving thing you can say is “No” sometimes.
It will teach her to say No later.
Peace
Ooof. My heart cracked a bit on the mad faces part.
Why are there always the “good” kids nearby when ours are on total meltdown?
It’s not easy to be the heavy either. B questions my reasoning and wants me to be less strict. I want him to use his authority. He sees my parenting as unreasonably strict and I see his parenting as dangerously soft. I don’t know how we’ll ever meet in the middle. I can take H out in the world and we will rarely have problems while Bob has a heck of a time taking H anywhere. But H prefers B to me 95% of the time and that hurts.
To discipline is to love. That’s a hard lesson and thankfully one I haven’t learned myself with Peanut, but one I have observed from my brother with his kids.
“I will always love you, I just don’t like how you’re acting.”
I’ve found in our relationship, more time than not, I’m the heavy and my husband has the ‘big eyes’ to give in.
Family discipline is based on a promise, whether for punishment or reward. Good job for sticking your ground, I know it’s tough.
Sigh….sometimes it is hard being the parents.
You guys did the right thing, but I totally understand how you felt….
In my house the roles are completely reversed. Good for you for being strong and supporting each other in this evolving learning experience known as parenting.
Brilliant post, Mrs. C. It is difficult to follow-through when they can be such charmers. I live with one of them too. It sounds like you and Mr. C make a good team. And the Poo sounds very loved.
Right now, it seems as though I am the hard-ass and my husband is the nice guy. I really hope that we will be able to hold out when Sacha starts throwing his fits and gets into that stage.
I have this problem too. Not so much with my 3 year old, because we cracked down on him at about 2 1/2 and now it’s habit. But with my almost 2 year old? Oh vey. I can’t stand the tears.
It definitely sounds like you & your hubs compliment each other in this parenting gig.
I am SO right there with you. Parenting can be SO HARD especially when it comes to laying down the law and sticking to it. Good luck in the crackdown!
oh…i hear you on the fear of anger!
i hate confrontations! i don’t have children so i have the option of doing a walk-around if i encounter anger or negative emotions in other people. nothing like a child to make you really confront your fears because you can’t walk away (well, some people walk away but you obviously are not that kind of person!)
good luck! (-: i am sure that when your daughter realizes her tantrums don’t get her what she wants she will rachet them down and move on to a another behavior which will test your will…until yada yada yada, she is 25 years old and you see the result of your years of hard work as a parent (-: