It seems silly to write this, it is such a mundane rite of passage. However, this whole potty training thing has me hitting the proverbial wall in terms of my parenting skills.
I can’t make her do it. I can’t make her do anything, so why should this task be any different?
There was a time when The Poo hit her developmental milestones under her own power, with little or no coaching. Sure, she was late to roll over, but she did it. Walking? No problem, man. Again, she was a late crawler, but one day she was motoring backwards on all fours and the day after her first birthday she was a proud biped.
Lately – and by lately I mean since she turned two – The Poo’s obstinate streak has made itself known with a vengeance.
If she wants to do or learn something – snap! – she does or learns it. Like using the touchpad of my laptop to play games at the PBS Kids website. Or using her digital camera. Or figuring out how to get the Play-Doh off the craft shelf by herself.
Take for instance, the case of The Big Girl Cup. In school she is not allowed to have her sippy cup. So instead of drinking from the Dixie cup provided to her each day at snack time, she just refuses to drink anything until she gets home.
This went on for months, since September to be exact. Then, last Thursday, she announced in the car that she drank from The Big Girl Cup at school, and that henceforth she would only be using Big Girl Cups at mealtimes.
And she has not once wavered from that conviction.
But peeing and pooping on the potty? Dude, waaaaay over-rated. Why would you stop what you’re doing to sit on a silly piece of plastic when you can just let it rip in your diaper?
I kick myself for this one, because back in May we bought her a book about the potty on a whim. We read it to her once, and the next minute she was asking to sit on the pot.
She did her business multiple times, and I had a sense we were near the finish line when we had to travel to Ohio for my sister-in-law’s baby shower.
We brought the potty with us, but never got it out of the car. It was too inconvenient to try and maintain our regimen while helping prepare for the party.
By the time we got home the spell was broken.
With a new baby on the horizon, and The Poo reaching the age of reason, it seems more than time to get her out of diapers and into panties.
I’ve done everything. I’ve bribed, cajoled, pleaded, and scolded. I’ve bought stickers, affixed them to charts and told her that if she fills the chart she gets a prize.
I told her she could have the outrageous Ponyville toy of her choice if she learns to keep her pants dry. I’ve left her in a wet diaper for hours, hoping the physical discomfort would prompt her to ask for the potty. I bought the pull-ups that feel cold when wet.
The rare times when she has used the toilet, I’ve praised her and celebrated.
Right now, I’m sitting in the family room watching her perch on a red plastic potty emblazoned with Dora The Explorer, purchased yesterday with the desperate hope that pandering to her consumer tastes would make the process easier, along with a set of princess and Ariel panties.
Since last night she’s been wearing underpants, with the exception of when she went to bed.
So far, she’s peed on the carpet four times.
No big whoop, that. Nothing a little Resolve can’t take care of. No, that isn’t the issue.
The issue is the fact that she is flat-out refusing to do it. I know she knows when she’s going. I also know she’s just too damn busy to stop and sit on the toilet. In fact, the doctor told me at her last check-up that the type of redness in her nether regions wasn’t diaper rash, but irritation from holding her urine.
This morning we’ve had two knock-down fights about this, with me finally threatening to take away her beloved plastic ponies if she doesn’t plant her ass on the pot and let the pee out.
Just now, I watched her face as she sat on the couch on a towel. I knew she had to pee, and she did, as well. We rushed to the potty and sat, while I looked to see a little wet spot on her undies.
But did she pee?
Nooooooooooo. She held it.
And continues to hold it.
I didn’t want this to be a battle of wills, because my resolve (no pun intended) is often weak. But in this I cannot waver. The child must pee in the damn potty.
People say kids don’t go to college wearing diapers, but folks, you’ve never met The Poo. In her case, it is entirely possible.
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those are some cute panties. and i have zero useful advice, pottywise. we have one. it’s still in the mysterious entertaining stage to O, and other than a random pee episode, will probably remain that way for years.
with the Poo, though, clearly she knows she’s in a battle of wills, and is getting something from winning. if i knew how to triumph over the mind of a toddler, i would be a rich, rich woman.
good luck.
neither one of my boys used the potty until he was good and ready to. i tried for a few weeks to interest each one. no dice.
and then, COMPLETELY OF THEIR OWN VOLITION, they both decided they were ready — oddly enough, at the same age (3 and 1/4).
within two to three days it was done. and looking back, I think it’s because they were motivated not by me but by themselves.
hope this isn’t a*svice.
OK. I was in the same boat. When Peanut went to preschool (at just over age 3), we were told she had to be potty trained. She wasn’t. She wouldn’t and I tried just about every tactic you have listed in this post. I think the harder you push, the more she’s going to dig her heels in. I finally backed off a bit and literally less than a week later, she just up and did it on her own. She didn’t even tell us. I found a discarded pull up in the hall and went in her room to see her pulling on a pair of underwear. “I’m done with pull ups. I’m using the potty now.” OK I thought sort of skeptically, but she was. Other than a couple of genuine accidents – she never looked back.
I think The Poo is very similar to my first. Unfortunately, if they don’t want to, there is nothing you can do to make them. But she will do it. Just like the sippy cup. One day, she will just be ready. Hang in there.
My third kid is almost done (diapers only at night), but to be honest I have no stinkin clue. #1 kid – easy as pie. #2 kid – a nightmare. #3 kid – somewhere in the middle. I’d like to think it is my parenting skills, but it isn’t. It is all about when the kids decide it is time.
I. Feel. Your. Pain.
(Rooster style.)
I was teetering on the brink of thinking we needed professional intervention, one of my lovely neighbors had sniffed, “Not trained yet (sniff), mine was done by 198 months. I suppose you;ll get there in time, each child is “different.” My hands itched to hit her, as if it weren’t hard enough without her judgement when, I shit you not (pun totally intended), Briar up and said, “I’m done.” No more diapers. Not even to bed. I was terrified, she had two accidents and that was it. We’ve not looked back.
So, as much as it annoyed me, I promise, she *will* look at you before her freshman year and let you know she’s ready.
The Kid? Potty trained in three days. We took away the diapers and told her she was peeing on the potty hence forth. By the end of the week she was even sleeping through the night sans diapers. No problem.
Imagine the smugness as I embarked on potty training with the Baby. Imagine the horror when she flat-out refused to go anywhere near the potty.
I feel you, dear. You are not alone.
I haven’t got any good advice, but I look forward to hearing how it goes. I’ll be there in a few months I think, but I’m comfortable putting it off for a while.
Love the blog, by the way. Glad I found it.
I think I wrote quite a bit about potty training last spring. You have to go cold turkey if she is old enough (she is) and rewards aren’t working. We did 2 things: http://www.pottytrainingrewards.com and put her in underpants and cleaned the messes. Chocolate *is* a reward for ours, but it may not work if a kid already eats a lot of chocolate. But cold turkey DOES work. You just have to have a lot of towels on hand and be prepared to clean up messes. You can also try using rubber pants on over the underpants to help contain it a little. These are pretty hot in the summer (but probably fine now). I ordered these online and only used them for a couple of weeks. You could borrow my stash (let me know).
I really think you have to go cold turkey for a resistant kid. The first week was hell. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just do it. I was sick of doing laundry. And then sometime during the second week, she started going on her own.
And try not to scold her when she has accidents (I know, it’s hard). Just tell her matter-of-factly that you don’t go in your underpants, you go in the potty.
Also keep a potty in whatever room your in.
The “put your kid on the potty every twenty minutes and use a timer” thing didn’t work for us.
Good luck! It will be nice to only have 1 kid in diapers at a time!
You really need to not push this issue. She is going to revolt and never use the potty. I would stop talking about it for awhile and then bring it up causally.
My daughter fully potty trained in Sept of 2005. How do I know so well, because we were away due to Hurricane Katrina. I was occupied with other things that I never pestered her about it. She just got up and started using the potty without me asking. After that she was fine.
She still wears Pull-ups at night. She is 5 yrs old. For some reason, she can’t stay dry at night. Since, I hate washing sheets in the middle of the night, she still wears the pretty princess pull-ups. So we are still not perfect.
If you want it to happen more than she does, then it won’t work. It has to be her decision, and she will do it (I promise!) when she’s good and ready.
They have so little in their lives that they can control right now…what they eat and when they use the potty are two things they can control. It’s gotta be her choice.
Hang in there! My son was about 3 1/2 before he “decided” he was ready. Once he made the decision he was trained in a day.
It’s frustrating, I know!
A battle of wills is no fun. I went through similar with J. We took breaks, would try to get back into it. Finally, I did the cold turkey thing, no diapers except bedtime, potty in the room everywhere we went. Stayed at home. I even had to man-handle him onto the potty for poop a couple times (I’m not sure I particularly recommend this, but it is what happened as he was very unhappy about doing #2 on the pot). He got on the band wagon in about 3 days. And did great ever after.
But I really do believe every kid is different. I would never assume what worked for J will work for Poo. I have learned with my strong-willed child that he knows when I am waffling and will pounce like a hungry cheetah. I’ve found that, at least with my guy, there are times I have to push him to get over the edge or he will never choose to go. Other times I’m just shooting myself in the foot if I push. Figuring out the difference is the toughest thing I do everyday.
Hoping you turn the corner soon. And it sounds like when she does decide, it will be a piece of cake. Hang in there!
You need potty training rewards. Our son was very stubborn when we began potty training him. The audio and chocolate rewards were powerful incentives to fully potty train him. Here is the website http://www.pottytrainingrewards.com
Dude, I know!
I just wrote this the other day:
http://coolzebras.blogspot.com/2008/01/k-and-potty-are-not-friends.html
K is almost 3 1/2. It’s soooo not fun.
Dude, I don’t even want to tell you about how potty training went (or is still going — ugh) with my now-5-year-old. Strong-willed and opinionated, like the Poo. Able to hold her pee until it is ridiculous and gives her irritated girlie-bits, like the Poo. Pees her pants when busy, like the Poo. Busy all the time, like the Poo.
My advice (which is worth what you’ve paid for it) is to let it go. The stress and strain on my relationship with my daughter because of her refusal to use the potty is one of my chief parenting regrets. And it backfired on me, because it’s certainly not like she hopped on the potty train to please me once she saw how desperately I wanted her to do it.
But either way, don’t sweat it with the Poo and don’t listen to people who tell you stories of their kid who was potty trained by 18 months and has never had an accident — that’s great for them but not so helpful for you and the Poo.
Man, Mrs. C, this is the hardest parenting issue I’ve dealt with to date. No joke. My oldest boy (and this is told just to make you feel a tad better, if you don’t mind), wouldn’t potty train – period – with tons of bribery, etc. until he was damn well ready on his own, which was at 3 years and 1 month old, to be exact. Prior to then, my bribes of coveted toys would give me a response of, get this: “No sanks, Mama. I have enough toys.” Yeah right. They really get so stubborn about this one. But then finally, one magical night in January, he went on the potty. And he declared underwear the next day. And we didn’t wear another pull-up (save for nap and bedtime, and poops – another story) EVER. And only like two accidents, ever, too.
Now my story takes a turn. My boy is now 4 years and 1.5 months – he STILL poops in a pull-up, refusing since EVER to poop in a potty. We decided to let it go through his 3rd year, because he’s had constipation problems since birth. His ped OK’d this. But approaching his 4th BDay in December, I pulled out all the stops: I gave him ample warnings, threatened to take the PU’s away, offered a DVD player in the bathroom while he went on the potty (i know, can you believe me?), didn’t buy more PU’s, and yelled a lot (i know, so not effective in times like this). But what was to be done? He was almost FOUR! Come his birthday and come the loss of PU’s, my strong-willed little guy decided to hold it for FIVE DAYS. It made me cry every night he would refuse to go. I finally gave in to myself, and put it on the shoulders of his pediatrician, (whom I do respect, for the most part). She told me to let him do it his way, and she assured me that by age 5, he no longer would be. Because L is constipated, he can withold until he’s home, so this facet of potty training is a non-issue in school, etc. So I completely let it go; he still has a PU for pooping, as awkward as that is to me. But it has helped me immensely to not fight him on this one, to just let nature take his course. I was not happy with myself when I was on him for it the two weeks around his birthday that we were actively working on PT. And now it’s a non-issue once again, the only difference now being that he has to get cleaned up in the bathroom standing up, as he otherwise would be, and if we can, we flush his poopers.
So be it. I wish he would get on with it, but I recognize with this sensitive issue, I have to let it go within reason, so I am, this year. Just the other day, he told me he was going to try the potty. That was interesting. He didn’t give it enough time, but it told me he’s thinking about the concept.
So once again, I share this only so you know you have commrades in the realm of PT. It’s tough stuff, to follow your heart and your head. As for not wanting two in diapers, I can respect that. Indeed, it can be a handful. I was looking at three in diapers myself, when L decided last January to finally give up the PU’s during the day. Phew
. I forget how old Poo is? I think that age gap between two and three can be hard. I hear most kids, by age three, have it taken care of. Many do it earlier, but the sensitive stubborn ones can hold on just a bit…I do hope she comes around, as it would be easier on you. But nature might just have to take it’s course, as I’ve well learned.
Hugs, and I hope you feel better. Have you tried the Pregnancy Pops? They really helped me, a lot.
Two words: power struggle.
Stop for a while, and stop talking about it — she so knows you want this, and she so WON’T until she can act like it was all her idea in the first place. Promise.
we really thought our Bunny would be going to college in pullups…but finally around 4 (or 4 1/2?), she decided she was ready. ours is a strong-willed child, too. & like you, we were about @ wits’ end. but your beautiful girl will get there too, in her own time. may she develop that strong will for something GREAT in her future!
I haven’t actually embarked on this yet, but will be in a couple of weeks when Finn moves up to the next big boy room in day care, but if there is anything I know about this, it’s that the teachers have all said, don’t push it. Aren’t I helpful?
You still have many months before that baby arrives, maybe give her a breather, or only incorporate it at night before bedtime? Just baby steps perhaps? Maybe the all out assault is too much for her to take. Or maybe I’m full of crap, take your pick.
Same problem here. OK, well, toddler son will sit on the potty. But he refuses to actually USE it.
I am amazed at all of the advice. That’s a lot of advice.
Jace was 3 in November and he will not even go into the bathroom with his class at school. He stands in the lobby with his arms crossed in defiance. When I ask him “when he is going to start using the potty” his answer is “never”. I asked if he was going to wear pull-ups when he was big like his daddy and his answer was, “Yes”…I gave up…not battling him on this one.
We did a sticker chart that had rows on it. At the end of every row, Monkey got to put a “prize” (choosing where to go for dinner, a new goldfish, whatever). 1 per try/2 per pee/3 per poop. It worked. The bars on the chart got bigger as the prizes got bigger….but seriously, don’t push it. Make it her deal and you’ll get it going.
Good luck!
Fric potty trained herself by the time she was two with no help from me. It was freaking amazing. I was dumb enough to think Frac would do the same thing.
Ya. I really am that gullible.
It was a nightmare. He still wasn’t trained by age three so oneday I just decided to potty train commando style. We didn’t go anywhere or do anything but potty train for a week. He peed on the floor more times than I care to remember. I yelled and cursed and cried more than any fit parent ought to. But by the end of the week he peed in the pot.
It was a freaking nightmare. One I have no wish to repeat.
I really feel for you. I’ll send potty vibes to the Poo and hope for the best.
I feel your pain, Mrs. C. You received a lot of advice here so I won’t add any.
But you aren’t alone. And, as someone else up there said, I’m not sure this particular challenge is about our parenting skills. It pushes all of our buttons. Courage!
Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to use the potty? She may have some perfectly rational reason (for a girl her age) for not wanting to use the thing. Go directly to the source I always say.
She won’t till she will, which sucks major but that’s how it is.
Just make it available and keep on asking if she wants to.
and by stock in Resolve…oh and maybe those plastic granny couch covers..
Love ya!
I wish I had an answer for you. It would be so much easier if this was in the parenting manual they forgot to give me at the hospital…
My experience?
#1 – told me shortly after #2 arrive that she was ‘done’ and ‘only babies wear diapers.’ She was 2 1/2.
#2 – wouldn’t do it. Period. He was 3 yrs 1 month when DH and I went on vacation. My mom asked if I would mind if she tried potty training him? Mind? You think I like cleaning up a three year old’s poop? He was in underwear when we came home four days later.
#3 – She decided January 2nd, 2007. She. Was. Done.
Each was different. FWIW – I had a continuous diaper streak for seven years and one day – the older sibling was still in diapers when the next baby came. So, I don’t really have any advice – except – try not to take it to heart! She is who she is.
I’m on the potty precipice with #3 right now. What works best for me is to just let them do it on their own time. So far two of them have. Granted this last dude is taking his time (he’ll be four in two weeks), but he’s started peeing in the potty. It’s just not worth the battle. And trust me, I have some stubborn kids. One of them only wore flip-flops for two years straight–even in the winter.
She will make the decision one day. It’s no reflection on you. Plus, think of how well she’ll be able to resist peer pressure later if she’s this stubborn now.
Hang in there friend. I know it sucks.
yep. What they all said.
I have had a mixed bag of trainers.
The first two were early, the third one late. One of the foster boys was still in nappies when he was six!
With the little ones now, one is getting the hang of it (the girl) and the boy wears his potty as a hat.
I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don’t, since I don’t have little ones yet. But I do have to say DON’T GIVE UP! You are a tough cookie, and since your amazing daughter takes after you, she’s one as well. She’ll get there, give it time.
My advice runs counter to pretty much everything anyone will tell you: once you know that Poo can use the toilet, make her. No ifs ands or butts.(Ha!) If you waver, she’ll run with it and turn it into a game. Have her help clean up, and show disapproval when she pees on the floor. (I’m not saying humiliate her or be cruel, but let her know you find it gross and expect more from her.)
With M, he got the hang of peeing fast enough, but wanted to poop in diapers. I explained that I was not buying any more diapers and showed him how many were left. When we reached the end, he wailed, tantrummed, screamed, yelled at me to go and “buy more diapuhs!” and then…..pooped in the toilet.
By some miracle he also simulatenously night-trained. I just make sure he goes right before bed.
If you do not have diapers, then the Poo cannot wear them, and you cannot give in and put them back on her. PullUps are a big waste of money. Ditto training potties. Get a seat insert so her pee and poop can simply be flushed down the drain. Cleaning poop out of potties is foul and will make you crazy, IME.
Good luck with whatever you decide. She will get it eventually.
Also, with M I had to physically put him on the toilet several times in the beginning, and not let him out of the bathroom until he peed.
Not fun, but works quickly.
I’m with Karrie.
Dude. I’m so with you. Maybe if you act like you don’t care whether she uses the potty or not, she’ll decide that she’s going to use it…?
We’re dealing with a similar issue, only my little miss (3 in a couple weeks) now refuses to poop on the potty. Sits and farts, acts like she’s going to, then gets off the pot and poops in the pull-up. Crap (no pun intended).
Just popping in with my two cents!
The one thing that finally worked for my daughter was telling her that her favorite character would call her (which happened to be Dora at the time) when she had succeeded!!! It worked like a charm! Oh, and I just had my mom call and pretend she was Dora!!! Hope that helps!
And, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I’m sorry I missed the big announcement!
Hi Mrs C.,
Don’t sweat it. When The Poo is ready, it will be easy. My daughter potty trained at around 3 years 8 months, and it was relatively stress free. Consider this-after your baby is born, if The Poo is potty trained, every time you are out in public she will say, “Mommy! I have to go to the bathroom, now!” and you will have to rush to the bathroom, and chances are she will need help because most public toilets are enormous, and you will be alone in a grocery store or whatever with a baby and The Poo.
A two or three year old in diapers is not the same as a newborn, and if The Poo needs to be changed, it can probably wait until you get home. Having her not potty trained might actually be easier.
The dreaded potty training. This isn’t exactly advice, or meant to be brow beating, but imagine if the Poo couldn’t hear. Yeah, I’m screwed. LOL.
Everything will work out fine. Evan was 3.5 yrs old when he (finally) decided to use the toilet. I just let him run around in the all together and he would go to the potty, but if he had on underwear or a pull-up, forget it.
Flynn was unbelievably easy. The bribe was a new barbie and new “big girl” undies. Then we had to drive to school to tell Miss B that she was wearing the underpants (on a non-school day for Flynn). 2 weeks later we drove to PA to surprise my then 90-yr-old grandma for her birthday. The trip to Columbus, OH took us 8 hrs. instead of the requisite 5 because we had to stop every 30 min. or so because Flynn had to go. We took the little potty w/and even had to whip it out on the PA turnpike.
Potty training is for the birds, man. Just breath and know that this too shall pass (no pun intended).
I feel your pain! Back in November Sam was ready to potty train. He wanted to potty train. So I took away diapers and put him in underwears. That lasted one whole day! He did well only peed on the floor 3 times! The next day stupid mommy thought he would repeat for me. No dice! It would be another month before he would even look at the potty and another few weeks before he would sit on it again. Again a full day. The next day? Forget it! This is the cycle he is doing.
The other day he sat on the potty and would not get up. He ate his lunch sitting on the potty. Got up a few times then ate dinner on the potty. Sat on the potty until bedtime.
Today? Refused to even look at the potty.
He loves wearing his undies. Yet does not want to wear them everyday.
I think Poo and Sam will both be in college still wearing diapers. At least she won’t be alone!
Now my other 3 pottied trained in a week! One week and they were done and doing it like pros. Sam has me stumped!
Well, Smooch is younger than Poo – and a boy – and less verbal. So hey, what the heck do I know? (All I know is, I already feel badly that he’s in diapers full time when my new friends around here are all EC’ing and talking about how gross diapers are.) But whatever. I’m sorry you’re stressed about this, and I really hope that some of the excellent advice you’ve gotten here will help. Hang in there.
This is totally unrelated to potty training, since I have no experience with that, but I just wanted to say that the name Emmmie is a great one. I have a very dear friend with that name, and the Poo is in good company.
Same problem here. And those pull ups do nothing for the stubborn kid who could care less. Eh, they’re wet. Change me please.
Yes, power struggle. Yes, let it go.
This may sound weird…but what about reverse psych? What might happen if you said she was old enough to decide if she wants to wear diapers-but she has to change them herself? She’s getting a lot of attention out of this pleading and bribing, and dude, she’s totally playing you. My heart is breaking for the both of you.
Also-early onset of anal stage. She’s all about controlling her environment and bodily functions right now and needs to work through that to find her boundaries.
xoxoxoxo
Everyone has covered it: She’ll come around when she is ready.
My girl tormented me too. Sttubboorrrnnn.
Sadly, it continues.
My parents had a good trick for making me do stuff when I was being obstinate, not doing as I was told, cutting up my mom’s clothes etc… a swift hard slap to the bottom usually had me learning pretty quick. Yeah, I cried, so do all kids. But I sure knew one thing – I didn’t want that happening again.
I’m sorry that I don’t have any suggestions. We’ll be nearing this point as well and I shudder to think of the battles that will come.
Hang in there.
digging the big girl pants.
perhaps, (and i haven’t read the cajillion comments so forgive) she’s just not yet ready. no one in middle school shows up in diapers, so it sorts itself out somehow.
we went through something similar with our oldest son. when he was just over 2, he started telling us when he was peeing in his diaper, so we thought it was time to start with the potty. for a few days he thought it was the best thing since sliced bread….very short lived slice bread! after about a week he wouldn’t have anything to do with the potty. even the mention of it made him scream “No! I don’t want da potty!”. i thought we had missed that “magic window”. but it seems we hadn’t gotten to it yet.
about 10 days ago, he started telling us he had to go pee on the potty. we got the potty out, he sat down, peed, asked for toilet paper to wipe, and would go back about his business. last night when he was having a bath he even told us he needed to use the potty because he didn’t want to pee in the tub…which i would think is more convenient for the average toddler.
hopefully soon it will just be The Poo’s time…that magic window.
good luck!
Ok, totally not the point but that pictue is SO CUTE.
Good luck with all that. Love the photo!