Long stretches of domestic tranquility, broken by periods of discontent; this is the pattern.
Warm and cozy mornings mixed with querulous afternoons, marked by burnt cookies and temper tantrums. The dirty toilets and sweatpants mingle to create the lingering, pungent aroma of a post-Betty Friedan search for creative and personal fulfillment.
The minivan in the garage carries you and the 1.3 kids in an endless loop of grocery store, library and preschool. Lunches with friends break the clouds like the sun on a winter day, but only long enough for you to recall and desire a full spring afternoon.
Dinner is slipshod, the housekeeping even worse. How do they do it, you marvel, watching the other mothers arrive for school in outfits that match, make-up in place. The cheerful distribution of pats on the back and Play-Doh shames you as you slink out the door, the only parent who does not volunteer in the classroom.
Your own child, loving and bright and sweet as freshly churned ice cream, circles you on the sofa as you clutch your belly and wonder what you think you’re doing, adding another being to this household so close to slipping off the tracks.
You think of your own childhood, the oak floors of your memory gleaming and spotless. Your mother passing out homemade chocolate-chip cookies – is that the ghost of a scowl? You didn’t see her at midnight, frantically cleaning and washing your father’s socks.
But she did that. She made herself half-mad with the mundane tasks of child-rearing and housewifery, her own minivan standing in the driveway, light blue and glowering with judgment.
You yourself straddle the fence between green and greener, trying to write in between diaper changes and what sometimes seem like endless rounds of Candyland.
Why, you wonder, why can’t I just be? Why can’t I settle in for the long ride? Why is my sleep broken by what ifs and how can Is?
The day passes, just another 24 hours of suburban banality. You’ve become a cliche. But are you obsolete? That remains to be seen.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Absolutely not! You’re not obsolete. I love the loop of “grocery store, library and preschool.” Same as mine. Same as mine.
Another great post. Even though my day is filled with different things, I think many of the same thoughts.
You, my friend, have just described me perfectly.
How did you know?
Pregnancy makes everything seem worse, at least for me. The fatigue is what does it, I think. Little tasks are too exhausting and finally I am only cleaning the toilet because it’s too gross to puke in. Things snowball.
Right now your body is tired and you’re in survival mode. It will absolutely not always be like this. Spring will come, then your baby will come, then you’ll have 6 weeks of adjustment… and then you’ll feel better and it won’t be so hard to break out of the autopilot loop. I know that feels like a long way off, though.
I was like this before Bug died.
I have since relaxed. I’d rather be uptight with my kid alive.
Hugs friend.
I love this. It sounds so familiar. Grocery store/library/preschool. Yep, that’s me.
Hang in there! I think this is a tough time of year all around…things always seem better in the spring!
I think even the perfect moms have had days like these. Probably months like this. That little one in your belly making you sick to your stomach is not helping matters but it does get better.
I do not quite know how to respond. On the one hand, I know this is today’s mood. On other days, I know that you feel confident on the domestic front and satisfied with the work/life balance.
On the other hand, I know how dangerous this mood can be. It feels so awful, so identity-erasing. We have all been there.
I am feeling this post right now.
I love what Emily said. I often ask myself these questions. What am I really contributing to the world and is it meaningful? But if I really sit down and consider not being at home, I just couldn’t change things.
The pregnancy definitely makes it hard. I keep putting off my son and neglecting everything. I feel bad about it, but it is so difficult to do any different.
Hang in there, 2nd trimester is coming for us both, along with spring. I have to believe that it WILL get better.
*hugs*
We were taught early on that we can have it all. Unfortunately, no one ever told us how.
Oh sweetie…things will get better. You are far too fabulous, creative, and intelligent to let monotony get you in the end. Yeah, things suck now…and may even suck for a while, but they won’t suck forever.
Make that father take his child off your hands once in a while so you can have some time for yourself.
Big hugs!
I agree with Candy – someone told us we could have it all, but we can tell the next generation that we tried that and it’s impossible. Our expectations of ourselves are out of whack.
And, dude, you are PREGNANT and the weather here in Illinois just SUCKS right now!!!
Hang in there, fabulous one.
I think this is why I’m so big on surrender, or rather, why I wish I could just embrace it instead of fighting it. Contentment is so elusive, and I think, if I just give in and allow myself to simply BE, then I could embrace the imperfection.
Alas, though, surrender remains just as elusive as the warmth of contentment. I hear ya, girl, I really do.
Thank you for this. Sometimes the entire experience seems so “Groundhog Day,” and I am alternately aggrieved at not doing everything my own mother did, and angry that what I do seems to never be enough.
obsolete my ass! I sit here and often wonder how YOU do it.
this just means your human. no one that we view as successful doesn’t question themselves and their output of stuff done. when you are content, you are dead.
I’ll tell you how I get to the kids’ school with the outfit and make up in place…I wake up at 5 am. Plus the hubs helps me with making lunches and breakfast too.
Homemade cookies are way overrated. If you think about it, we’re really insane to measure our mothering abilities by whether cookies are homemade, slice n bake, or bakery bought. The kids will eat them either way and they just get pooped out in a few hours. If you enjoy the baking, go for it. If not, it’s not a measure of your person.
Personally, I’d get bored if I stayed content too often with this gig. Or any gig for that matter. Discontent is not always a bad thing.
You need several things:
1) a facial.
2) a spa pedicure.
3) a relaxing mani, minus the polish, because OH MY GOD what a waste of time that part of the service is when you’re us, mothers, people who wash our hands more than all the nurses in the world do in a day, only in about an hour. and the chipping polish just bugs and visually disturbs.
I’ll be right over to provide those things. ;p
or, you know, I would, if you weren’t a coupla thousand miles removed from here. rain check? at blogher in SF, maybe?
xoxo
Except for the pregnant part…oh toe is the wail that is my life.
Great post.
Questing, endeavoring, making good on promises…it’s a wonderful and demanding compass that wakes you in the night. You may not realize it, but you are bravely standing at the helm, guiding your family through fog and choppy waters, occasionally emerging from the haze into brilliant sunlight. You are at your most responsible and determined when things are tough. Praise yourself, sweet friend, for you are simply trying to ensure you are doing everything that you can, even if that means entertaining doubt. You are, and will continue to be, wonderful.
From one who has been there and is now on the other side of the fence, I am here to say it all passes so quickly. One day you look back and your children are in college and you have an enormous amount of time for you again. Reading your blog, I’d say you are doing a terrific job!
wish i had the right words to make u feel better (they appear to all have been taken) – but i do have a little trick! go watch a cheesy eighties love story w/ the poo – how can that not make u feel wonderful?
hugs friend!!
Ummmm. Yeah.
Babe x
When I was expecting Ella and Rowan was about 18 months old I remember going through this phase of thinking I was a terrible parent and girlfriend.
I got angry with her when she was just testing the toddler boundaries – I got frustrated with the house never being clean … stuff everywhere… meals not nutritious enough for me or for her – constantly comparing myself to other, thinner, better, more successful or single ‘happy’ people with clean houses and all the rest…
I really feel your pain … I do think that pregnancy has a lot to do with it. All the hormonal misgivings about your decision to increase the workload… and double the sprogs… but I think you can do it… I mean … I think it’s just hormones playhing mean little tricks on you…I think you can do it.
In fact – I know you can. You’re a gem – a diamond in the rough as they say.. you care and you worry … and to me… that’s half of what’s wrong with the world
xx I have faith in you, sweetie xx
I keep re-reading this post, because it so perfectly expresses what I feel.
Thanks.
And by the way–your worry and doubt about adding another kid into the mix? I felt the same way… but trust me, it is so worth it. I know this sounds absolutely crazy to you right now, but there are times when the two is actually easier than the one. My 3-yr old and 8 month old are already best pals. The 3-yr old amuses and entertains the baby… and the baby amuses and entertains the toddler! Your Poo is a great age at which to introduce a sibling. You just watch: she is going to step up to the plate like you wouldn’t believe and be an awesome big sister.
Mine children are all in their 20’s now and, believe it or not, I sometimes miss those days!