I was 130 pounds the day I found out we were going to have The Poo, and I felt overweight.
When I met Mr. C I was 26 years old and 123 pounds. At nearly 5-feet-8-inches tall, I was all legs. I could wear – and eat – anything I wanted. Four years later, the digits 3 and 0 snuck up on me and my metabolism, leaving me to diet frantically to get back down to 125 for my wedding.
Oh, the agony of losing five whole pounds!
Looking back on those days now, I am so envious of that girl, the one who thought cutting Big Macs out of her diet was a sacrifice.
I didn’t gain much weight with The Poo, about 21 pounds, thanks to grief and gestational diabetes. Losing it was easy, and within six weeks I was back down to 142, 12 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I felt pretty good about it, and when we contracted two rounds of the rotovirus within two weeks, I was sitting pretty at 136.
Ha! I thought. I’ll lose those six pounds in no time!
Then we found out we were moving to Illinois, and I went a little crazy. I went back on anti-depressants. I started eating my way through Western New York.
And then we we got here, I spent many lonely autumn afternoons eating burgers and milkshakes at Culver’s with The Poo, surrounded by strangers and left alone with an 18-month-old while my husband worked 65 hours a week. I ate out of boredom, sadness and loneliness.
I ate.
A lot.
Last January I weighed in at 158, the highest number I’ve ever seen on my scale. I was so disgusted with myself that I blew a wad of hard-earned freelancing dough on a treadmill and a Weight Watchers membership.
I walked and I ate less and I made better choices. And I lost 13 pounds over the next 12 months. The day we got back from our Christmas travels two months ago, I was 145 pounds, three pounds heavier than I was six weeks post-partum.
I was thrilled. It was hard work, but it was do-able. I saw 15 pounds as less of a challenge, because I’d already lost 13 just by using common sense.
Two days later, I peed on a stick.
Despite my morning sickness, I’ve still managed to gain eight pounds since I found out I am pregnant. I’m certain it is from my almost constant eating – I only feel better when I am chewing. I popped early, my remaining belly fat making me look five months gone, not 14 weeks.
I hate how I look right now.
And I hate that I hate it.
I should be reveling in this new life inside me, thrilled to have physical evidence of my small bundle of joy. Instead, I suck in my gut and fight the urge to begin every interaction with a disclaimer: I’m not fat, I’m pregnant.
If I am lucky enough to maintain a reasonable weight-gain with this pregnancy, I will still be close to 170 pounds when Shaggy is born. Last time around, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. This time, I am already fearful of the scale and the way I will look after this child is born.
I should be thanking my body, I should be grateful for my health, which is providing a safe heaven for my second baby.
Instead, I look in the mirror and see nothing but fat.
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I am still 10 lbs above my (already was too high) pre-pregnancy weight. …Yeah, from a pregnancy that ended 3.5 years ago. I don’t have any second pregnancy or major life events to attribute that to, it’s just like that. Sigh.
Heh.
But a couple of things work for me:
* I remind myself that my body is eminently /serviceable/ – it carried a pregnancy, gave birth, lactated, and has hundreds of working parts. Good health is a pretty good deal.
* I have modified my expectations of myself. There’s no way I’m going to fit into a size 10 like I did in high school. So why torment myself?
* I happen to live in a place where people almost pride themselves on their dowdiness. This works in my favor! By comparison, I’m so chic
* Accessories.
Seriously, don’t beat yourself up. In a week or two, your hair will be lustrous, your bust will be formidable, and you won’t need an “I’m pregnant” sign. A walking symbol of potent female fecundity. You go!
oh babe. and we look at you and see nothing but gorgeousness and light.
Part of me is not quite sure how to respond to this. I gained 20 pounds in the year between getting married and getting pregnant. I believe it was due to the pill and working at a restaurant. Then I gained 35 pounds while pregnant. It sucked. I was up to 220 and I’m only 5′ 8″ as well. I weighed more than my 6′3″ brother. That really sucked.
My son is almost 11 months old now and thanks to friends who walk and making better eating decisions (and major bouts of sickness) I’m just below my pre pregnancy weight now. But I’d still like to get back to my married weight.
You know you can do it. You were well on your way. So look at this as a little hiatus in your getting your healthy body back and know that after you recover from giving birth you will have 1) lost a lot of baby weight and 2) you can go back to eating right.
Besides, 2 kids to chase around will be plenty of exercise!
Hi, de-lurking here because your writing touches me! I have had seven children and that stage where you just look fat is horrible. Wear your maternity shirts ( or the current pleated tops that make you look pregnant even if you are not!!).Do not obsess about weight. Every pregnancy is different, as is every stage of your life. Perspective is a strange thing. Often looking back at pictures we cannot beleive at that time we thought we were “fat”, because we weren’t. And we could kick ourselves! Enjoy the moment, day, week, month. This all will pass in the blink of an eye. My oldest is 25. My baby is 16 months. I feel as if they both were born a couple of months ago, as time wizzes by! Have a wonderful time growing that baby!!Sunshine
It’s the fault of the society we live in that we feel anyone over 60 kg is overweight. We do anything to look like those women we see in fashion magazines presenting the size 0 “ideal”.
In times gone past, it was more attractive for a woman to have more weight on her, a sign that she was healthy and fertile, especially if she was pregnant, or had had a child.
I live in South Africa. Here, in traditional African belief (Zulu, Xhosa, Pedi, Shona, Shangaan, Sotho, Tswana etc) a woman (especially a woman who has had a child) is respected and found attractive if she has the extra weight and roundness, because it is a sign of health.
Your body is telling you what it wants. You need to listen to it, and do as it says. Screw the society’s ideal. You’re pregnant and proud, and the extra weight is making sure your baby grows strong and healthy. If anyone thinks to judge you for it, then they are shallow, pathetic human beings.
You are beautiful.
I’m about 150 pounds higher than I remember being at my lowest, and 50 pounds higher than I was at the end of my first pregnancy.
That makes me 300 pounds at about your height.
I have the worst genetics known to man.
BUT, aside from the fact that I’d love to be back at around 240 for the sheer ease of buying clothes, I don’t care. I really don’t mind. I’ve finally found a wary acceptance of my body, one that I really had when pregnant. I LOVED my roundness, the fertility goddessness of it all. My husband digs it too.
But I understand that sense of being uncomfortable in your skin-especially if you’ve always been smaller. I’ve never had that luxury really, so chub doesn’t bug me as much. Being on lithium is helping me not care since it’s evil and bloats me out.
I always tell women to let go of their weight issues when pregnant, and focus on the baby. Eat right, get some sleep and exercise, and stop worrying.
When you’re 80, and surrounded by grandkids, will you care? If you’re healthy-enjoy it.
I lost 50 pounds before I had Sabrina.
I gained 70 lbs with Sabrina.
Of course, she was enormous and it was the end of the summer so I lost about 40 within 2 weeks of having her. That left 30 to lose and with WW and breast feeding I had done all but 10 by the time she was 3 months old.
Once the time comes, I’ll have lots of ideas for you since I just lost 25 (having gained 15 last summer with all my business travel) with Weight Watchers and some new ideas.
But that is ONCE THE TIME COMES. For now just say “let it go” like a mantra. Once the morning sickness passes, try to make good choices and then embrace the womanly body that is revealed.
My friends also love to remind me of the most important thing – I don’t want to pass this weight thing onto Sabrina. I want her to love herself for being tall and strong.
So love YOURself and pass those feelings onto the baby and onto that little girl. Rock on through your pregnancy buddy!
Thanks for expressing how so many of us feel about our weight. My “baby” is 20 years old now and I am finally getting tired of the fat and have decided to take control of my body. But it isn’t easy once you hit 50! And I only gained 17 pounds with her when I was pregnant. The rest of the fat was all stress eating!
I *loved* being pregnant. I loved not caring whether or not I looked fat. Like Thor, I loved my round belly.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I am thinking of buying some maternity tops despite the fact that I am *done.* They are much cuter now, AND being preggers is the only time it’s socially acceptable to be fat. So maybe I’ll just pretend.
Granted, that early phase of too big for regular clothes too small for maternity was a little bit of a downer- but I agree with whomever suggested embracing maternity clothes now.
Ok, here’s the thing, no matter how grateful you are to be pregnant, no matter how aware you are of the miracle that it is, the changes your body undergoes are insane. You have every right to have days when you want to crawl out of your own skin, doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a living, breathing woman who just happens to be creating another person.
I started wearing snug shirts early on to help remind myself what the extra padding was. Just try and take it easy on yourself. I walked out of the hospital 20 pound slighter 36 hours after having Avery. You might be surprised at how fast your body will slingshot back. Until than, use this little visual, imagine putting everything you eat into the mouth of an infant propped up n a chair. I swear it’ll make you rethink anything that might leave you with feelings of remorse.
I am so sorry, that is so hard when you feel bad about your weight/appearance. Please keep on asking for and getting support from friends and family, you can get through this pregnancy and I really hope you find something that works for you to help you feel better. I really wish I had something more than just vague good wishes to give you. You are so much more than your outer appearance, you are a wonderful writer, Mom and person, please try and remember how awesome you are.
Just keep telling yourself ~ you are not fat, you’re pregnant. Don’t feel bad about listening to your body!!
I lost 60 lbs a little over a year ago and it took me over 2.5 years to do it because I had a pregnancy in the middle. I was a surrogate mom to twins and lost about 40 lbs before getting pregnant and when I was done with the pregnancy, I was 20 lbs more than where I’d started. It came off with sensible eating choices and exercise. When you are pregnant is not the time to worry about it. Enjoy being able to nourish your baby and listen to your body tell you what it wants. It’ll come off in the end. Stay as active as you can and it’ll be easy.
I’m pregnant again, also, but 6 weeks behind you. I’m already eating like a fricking horse and know how you feel. So I’m telling myself the same things I’m telling you.
Good luck, Mama.
Mrs. C., I am also 5′8″, and topped out at 170 at some point during my five years (3 kids) of pregnancy. It’s funny — I honestly can’t remember which pregnancy put me there!
After my third and final child was born, I held onto about 20 extra pounds for two years. Then I just got to the point where I was ready to take my body back. I joined a gym, joined Weight Watchers Online, lost the weight and have kept it off for six years.
Let your body do what it needs to do. You’ll have time to recalibrate — and a little more time to devote to yourself — after you’re finished manufacturing gorgeous Baby Chickens.
Yes-you’re pregnant. Listen to your gorgeous woman’s body.
Take care of yourself.
I hear you about eating to fill the lonliness. I ate and drank to fill mine. I took my oral fixation and ran with it straight into a bottle for about five years.
You, however, will be fine.
*BIG HUG*, you beautiful creature, you!
I imagine it is difficult to feel fat when you’re normally not. Those of us who are already fat enjoy pregnancy because we now have an excuse for our weight. Or something like that. Although I’m still under my pre-pregnancy weight. Hey, there has to be SOME perk for being fat.
I am right with you sister. I am not taking a belly picture yet because even though I look about 20 weeks along, I am just almost 11. Is it bad that I can’t wait to start wearing maternity clothes because they just fit my belly better. LOL.
Hang in there. You are at a rough point. It will pass in a couple of weeks and all you will notice will be baby.
I would bet you that when the rest of the world looks at you all they see is beauty.
So how about I see me through your eyes and you see you through mine?
You’re at the yuck stage–where you just feel fat, rather than pregnant; you feel the inexplicable need to justify your changing body and the lack of control you feel to others. In a few weeks your round belly will take on greater definition, and this too shall pass. Despite how much your body needs to gain to create a healthy Shaggy, you will reach the balance of health and happiness again post-pregnancy.
In the spirit of support, I’ll offer my story (and apologize in advance for rambling on your blog)–In college I stopped eating because I discovered that despite much uncontrollable tragedy, I could control my weight very effectively. I ended up in a hopsital weighing 99 lbs. at 5′8″. I worked extremely hard to fight back to the land of the vibrant and healthy, and when I finally got there, I thought all would be well. But I struggled with the reprecussions of my weight obsession as I convinced myself that my actions were the reason that it took us over 2 years to conceive our first child.
When I finally became pregnant, I felt so empowered by the ability to eat healthy and treat my body well in the spirit of conceiving a healthy child. I slowly and steadily gained 25 pounds, gave birth to a healthy child, and lost 25 without much struggle.
I’m now almost 32 weeks pregnant with number 2 and hoped so much to have the same empowering experience with this pregnancy. Instead, I struggled with horrible morning sickness the first 18 weeks, and consequently I’ve struggled every day to put on the extra 15 pounds I’m carrying today.
While at one point in my life my struggles in my current pregnancy would have been empowering, today they plague me with worry over whether my baby will be o.k., worry about whether my doctor will scold me, and worry about whether I’m doing everything I can to give this baby a healthy start.
I know some women scoff at my struggles today and consider me lucky, but I think as women we are on the same team battling this constant war with our bodies. My advice to you is trust your body to do what it needs to do for Shaggy, and trust yourself to be strong enough to do what you need to do for yourself post-pregnancy.
We’re women. We obsess over our looks until our eyesight goes. Don’t sweat it.
I told my husband last night that I felt like a barge. I just point my stomach in one direction and hope that I make it there.
I’m still not giving up my snacks though. Screw society and their messed up ideas.
Ah, breastfeeding! That feeling of your uterus clenching back into shape with those first feeds, and knowing that your little darling is sucking fat cells out of you with gusto all day long! The sight of their little thighs getting fatter, and knowing that it is your own fat, transferred! Watching them grow as you shrink, and loving it!
I get where you’re coming from but I still think you probably look better now than you did then. In my opinion, 123 at 5′8″ is too thin. I’m 5′9″ and 145 and, sorry to say, I think I look damn good. I dont even have any boobs to blame it on so all that curviness is in my hips and bum. But I love the way I look and hopefully you will find yourself in a shape that makes you feel that way too.
I believe you will!
I’m eating all the time too. After I had my third 4 months ago, I eat practically non-stop. I don’t know what to do about it. I was OK for a couple of days, but now I’m doing it again!
So I weigh the same as I did 9 months pregnant: 161. This is hard on me, because that is just about 50 pounds more than I weighed in high school (skinny runs in my family). I don’t miss that so much as my 118-125 range when I was married.
I’m starting to be OK with the weight, but not so much the SHAPE. My stomach looks like I’m 5 months pregnant, too.
Hang in there with the rest of us! It’s so nice that you wrote about this and everyone else that commented. I don’t feel so alone.
I was a twiggy girl like you at 5′8. And two kids later I still maintained my pre-pregnancy weight of 120.
Then Bug came along. And I gained over 100 pounds. I was in mat clothes before I was 12 weeks.
I have never returned to my preBug weight and I still find it hard to look in the mirror. But I try to tell myself that the extra weight is worth it because I had Bug. Delusional, but it helps. What doesn’t help is the chips and crap I consume.
Hang in there. We’re out here, cheering you on and supporting you and know that when we see you, we see your beauty. And your cute hair cut.
Okay….you are talking to the WRONG person here.
First, you probably know that even at your highest weight, you were still within a healthy weight range for your height. Second, you are beautiful. The photos that you post prove that.
Besides, you cannot worry about any of this until you pop that little one out months from now. Until then, enjoy all the wonderful things that do come with pregnancy, like the endless eating. Oh! How I loved that!
Oh, and check out this site. It made me realize I was aiming too low. I think it will make you feel a lot better.
http://www.self.com/fitness/nutrition/calculators/happyWeight
I think that you already know, in your heart of hearts, what I’m about to say: it IS worth it. It IS just a phase. A LOT of us feel fat and crappy at that in-the-middle stage of pregnancy and a LOT of us struggle with the wierd things our bodies do during & after pregnancy. It’s okay.
I wish I could be there to give you a hug and make you a shirt. (I made one when I was pg with Smooch that read, “I’m Pregnant. What’s Your Excuse?”
Once it was finished I worried that it was too mean and only wore it in public one time. But it made me feel good to wear it at home with my big ol’ yoga pants.)
The stage of pregnancy you’re at is my most hated stage. Soon enough you’ll have that no-doubt-about-it-rock-hard-basketball belly. And you’ll totally rock it.
You’re at the very hardest stage – withiin a few weeks you’ll just look pregnant and gorgeous…HUGS!
so i read first thing this morning and couldn’t decide what to say…been there, yes. felt bad for feeling bad, yes.
and then it happened… i sat down to nurse the bean just now and my favorite pair of pj pants ripped!! so much for me writing a post about the bliss of being back in the skinny jeans!
no guilt friend – enjoy the uck stage for all that it is!
hugs
ps – just keep looking at the jello shot pics and know we all heart u!
Enjoy being pregnant! It was the most wonderful part of my life! I was like you, though, always hiding it and just feeling fat. I’m 10lbs away from pre-preggo weight (baby’s 5 months old), and ready to have another one! It is the most awesome feeling being pregnant – enjoy it!
I wish there was a way to undo whatever it was/is that makes us look in the mirror and not love what we see . . . no matter what the number on the scale says.
And really, your full-term weight is closer to my normal weight, so don’t fret. I weighed 200 lbs when all my babies were born and if I ever weigh that much and I’m NOT pregnant, there will be some explaining to do . . .
And why do I even remember that? It sooooo doesn’t matter.
You, Mrs. C, are beautiful.
I gained 70lbs with #1 and the same with #2. I was hopeful. But the ranch dressing and chips did me in again.
Okay. And taco bell.
i have three rolls on my belly. when i get a tan, sitting a bit forward of course to make sure that the midglets don’t drown, I have three white lines that are not tan when i stand straight up.
i have named each one for each of my children.
and no, i am not being all happyholly platitude-y. i know of what i speak.
i was inandout of hospitals onandoff anorexic for 17 years.
until i was pg with #1 at age 34. after having mahself a daughter, i realized how selfish and shallow THAT 17 years had been!! whoops!
we all want better for our kiddos, right?
and no, i am not sayin that cuz i am all skinny. am not. and don’t care anymore.
you want a picture of my ass in a bikini? don’t threaten me.
am easily 25 lbs more than before i had kidlets. don’t really know though, because we don’t and won’t own a scale.
remember….you are a model for…HER.
Thanks for being transparent. A woman’s weight is such a sensitive issue already, and then throw in pregnancy–and we’re screwed! I hated how I looked pregnant. My arms, face and ass all got fat–Now that my baby is one year old, I finally am at a weight that I am happy with and not obsessing over. But obsessing is what we do. We can’t help it.
The second pregnancy just pops out faster. I still managed to lose the weight.(I’m heavier on prednisone now that I ever was postpartum.)
I don’t know if it helps, but we think you are fab: body, soul and mind.
Take care.
Hmmm…I’m at the point where I’m losing weight before I get pregnant. So far, I lost 13 pounds and hope to lose another 20 before we start. I can understand the insecurity about gaining weight as I did the same after getting married, and then some more after starting law school, and then some more after starting to work. Anyway, as Lisa said we all think you are pretty cool!
First, I’m sure you look wonderful. We are always our own worst critics.
Second pregnancy always pops sooner and I personally hated the early stages when my waist widened and I looked like I’d been hitting the chocolate vs. being pregnant.
Body image is so hard. It’s something we all struggle with, so you’re definitely not alone there, but I know that doesn’t help when you aren’t happy looking in the mirror.
For the next few months, don’t sweat it. It is what it is and sustaining/growing a healthy baby is most important. If you’re 170 (or more) at the end then when you’re ready, you’ll get back on track and take it off. You did once, you can do it again.
I share your pain!!
I gained 55 with my first dd and 65 with my twins. I am not tall, nor was I underweight. I am a fat, fugly pregnant lady. I was WELLLLLLLL above 170 when I delivered my kids, and I am only 5′5″. And I have no boobs.
You are at that awkward stage of pregnancy where the belly is mushy instead of firm and round. That is a hard stage. Cut yourself some slack, my dear. Don’t allow yourself to be critical of your weight or your body until your baby is a year old.
I think you’re hot. Always.
I could tell almost the exact same story, word for word. After my second I was 173 lbs. I’m working my way down. It’s doable the second time around, too. Weight Watchers will still be there when you are done being a preggo mama.
Also?
Zazzle.com
Make yourself a shirt that says I’m not fat, I’m pregnant. Hee!
My baby #3 is 5 months old and I feel fatter than I ever have in my whole life. I have no advice.
There is a shirt out there, however, that says “Does this baby make me look fat?”
I guess it’s too late for me to wear it, though.
I totally loved the fatness that pregnancy allowed. Something about the freedom to eat and be fat was so fabulous! Unfortunately, my second is 2 years old and I’m about 50 pounds over my prepreg weight with him; way more than with my first.
I need a t-shirt that says I’m not pregnant, I’m fat! lol
I am 50 pounds heavier than I was before I had my first child. I gained 30 pounds with child one, 20 pounds with child two, 31 pounds with number 3 and 18 pounds with baby number four. I still have 50 pounds to go in order to get down to the 130 I was before I had my first. I am 5′6 myself.
I have decided that if those pounds slowly drop off it’s ok if they don’t its ok. Why? Because I am healthy my kids are healthy. That 50 pounds means nothing to me!
You are having a baby! Enjoy it!
i LOVED being huge while i was pregnant. because i knew once the baby was out i was going to be working my tail off to get the weight off. but when i was pregnant, i was all “second dinner? sure! whole plate of brownies for lunch? awesome!”
my point..enjoy your pregnancy. worry about it later
Girlie…another 5′8″ female here. 122 lbs when we got married. Like you, i could wear and eat ANYTHING.
I’m now at 140 lbs and my baby is 5 years old. Sigh.
Try to enjoy this time and not worry about being fat. If we think about it, pregnancy is such a short period of time in our life. Wear the maternity clothes and look pregnant! I had the tummy WAY earlier with Parker too. When people asked how far along I was, I was self-conscious b/c I knew I was bigger than my weeks suggested. So I kinda rounded up to months. “I’m in my 4th month” allows more belly room than saying “Just 14 weeks”, right?
Oh Mrs. Chicken, I was in the same position when I found out I was preggers with Baby Girl. Had just moved to the midwestern college town I’m trapped in now, husband working a lot, 2 year old at my arm, miserable and needing to get back on the meds. I gained a heap of weight immediately and 54 pounds overall (to be fair, that’s what I gained with my first too, when I wasn’t horribly depressed). I started wearing maternity pants the minute I found out I was pregnant. Life goes on.
You will get back to you. In the interim, try not to stress about it. I did and I had an emotionally fucked up, *miserable* pregnancy. The only person who made me feel like an attractive human was the carpenter working on our house (no, not in a creepy way). A husband’s job should be to make you feel like you look great, EVEN if he has to lie through his teeth. It’s critical and best for you and the baby.
From a newly postpartum girl, I know. Pregnancy hijacks your body – I actually had a t-shirt that read “Pregnant, not fat” that I still want to keep wearing.
I was 130 lbs and 5′2″ when I got pregnant. Weight means nothing, as my 130 lbs translated into a size 4. I put on 44 lbs only to deliver a 5 lbs 8.5 oz baby. This time, I seem to be heading in the same direction. *sigh*
I’m 168 and 5′8. And 21 years old.
If you go to CRCE, you will see me every day sweatin’ on dat track, and then trying to stretch out my illiotibial band from overuse.
Trust me, you are probably only at a size 6 or 8 or 10, right? That’s not fat, especially for that height. At all. In fact, you can pretty much go up to 163 and not be considered overweight.
In fact, I believe my sister, who is at the same height, was at 122, and she was considered underweight. That’s nearing anorexic weight.
I happen to be very lucky when it comes to pregnancy weight gain. I only gained like 20 or so pounds but I puked a minimum of 8 times a day for the whole forty weeks, that totals to over 2,240 times! Thanks to that after I had my little girl I was 10 pounds LIGHTER than when I got pregnant. Lucky me!