Things have been a little slight around here lately.
I have plenty of emotional battles going on inside my heart – the strong desire to wrap my body around my daughter 24/7 in anticipation of having another small person to care for; the push-pull I’m feeling about her growing up before my eyes; and the future of my career as a writer, such as it is.
But I haven’t been writing about it.
The No. 1 reason I’m absent from this blog -Â and from yours – lately, save for the most cursory posts and comments, is that my baby is broken.
I have a box from Apple sitting in my dining room, waiting patiently for me to pack it up and mail it off to Cali for a repair. This will be the fourth time I’ve had to send her off. I hate to do it, but the fact that she shuts down and goes into the Sleep Of Death (pat. pending) every time I remove her from her flat-surfaced perch in the kitchen is MAKING ME CRAZY.
I can’t write – or read – for more than five minutes without having to go through a series of seriously stupid steps to revive her.
I’m also at a crossroads with this whole blogging thing, much like my friend Andi. I can say with complete assurance that my current paid gig is an outgrowth of CAC.
But that begs the question … as I am seeing significant success there, why isn’t it turning into more gigs? Did I mention the whole no-income-grad-school thing? Because folks, there will be two babies who need new pairs of shoes.
I know my work suffers when I don’t write every day. The pipes get clogged with the debris of dinnertime, laundry and other chores. It was harder this week to bang out those 800 words that bring in the money, and I know it was because I’ve been absent here.
But.
But to what end am I blogging? Should I spend more time just sitting with an open Word document, trying to craft something “big” or “real” or “significant?” Or am I really just too chicken (heh) to venture outside this small composing space and put my work in front of a person who will accept or reject it definitively?
I’m becoming obsessed with the numbers, with the reciprocity – with all the things I hear you talk about on your own blogs. Blogging without obligation – that’s where I started, two years ago.
But it’s hard. It’s hard not to get hooked on the double-digit comments and the stupid rankings, and then it’s hard not to get your feelings hurt when you are left out of the party.
I’ve renewed my commitment to write as if no one was reading a number of times, but you are reading.
And there’s the rub.
I love all of you so much, and I love being part of this weird world. But I feel it creeping ever more into my real life. And I see my future with a high-spirited preschooler and an infant, and I wonder how I will fit it all in, the words and the babies and the house and the husband.
I don’t want my self to get left behind again. I did that once, with disastrous results. I can’t let my identity get sucked away again, I can’t let myself slide because it is too hard or I am too tired or I am too busy.
I need to write. I want to write. I just need to decide how to go about it.
I’m not quitting; no, I couldn’t quit yew. But I am taking the opportunity to go back to the land, so to speak, while my baby is in Cali getting a massage and a facial. A spring break, if you will. I’ll be the mom I want to be, untethered to technology and down on the floor as often as I can stand it.
I’ll cook actual meals. I might clean the house. I will enjoy two days of delicious couple-time in Chicago. I will visit with my in-laws.
And when it’s over, I’ll come back and read this post and see if I’ve solved my quandary.
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Thanks for the linky love, my friend.
As usual you have expressed exactly what I wanted to say so perfectly. Thank you for this post.
Yes, yes, yes! I started blogging as a means of support during my infertility treatment. Then I found this lovely group of witty women writers and other “mommy” bloggers who I could relate to — professional, intelligent women who opted to stay at home (or not) and knew my struggles. But I’m struggling. I’m not really writing, but reading and commenting. And now with 2 babies and a move across country pending, I don’t know how to re-comitt. Maybe we can make some sort of pack?!
I went through that same dance of death with my HP laptop a while back and had to send it twice for repairs, finally they just gave me a new one. That is so frustrating.
Good luck with resolving your quandry.
I think more women feel just like you, than you realize.
Good luck and have some wonderful mommy, family, non-techy time.
You know… according to the Apple Service Locator, there’s a couple places you could get your machine serviced locally. At least then it might not be so long before you get it back.
Do what makes your heart light.
i’m just glad you aren’t quitting. quitting would make me very, very sad.
You read my mind, my concerns, my frustration – being everything to everyone.
Take that spring break, and see where it leads.
Rest and enjoy this time with your family.
Do whatever you need. You are more important than a blog, even a fantastic funny one like CAC. Best wishes and have fun.
I got to the “my baby is broken” line and my heart stopped.
I read the rest through a bit of a haze.
I did what Jenni said. My heart stopped at “my baby is broken” and I had to re-read to start breathing again.
My Mac does that too!! Blogging is a very difficult dance for me. I love it and it makes me crazy. I want to write and read and comment, but, seriously, I’d ignore all other things if I did that to the extent I want to.
Enjoy your break, you deserve it!
Hmm, rest. I think there is an inevitable ebb and flow, though I’ve never drawn the audience that you do, so I am less familiar with the tension you feel to maintain numbers.
I’ll come back no matter the frequency of your posts.
Are you crazy? It was reading *you* religiously that made me start writing. Even though I rarely say anything of substance, it’s nice to be heard and it’s nice listening to someone like you who actually does have something of substance to say.
And my little trip is a total fluke. I’ll tell you about it over lunch. I was just happy at the chance for a getaway because I NEVER do anything for myself. And if I get any tiny baby swag, I’ll send it your way
‘Cause I am D.O.N.E. done.
I totally don’t know what I’d do without my Mac.
Yeah, that line about your baby being broken scared the crap out of me, too – not nice!!
Take a break, relax, do what’s right for you.
I understand.
I have three boys, a full-time job and plenty of volunteer obligations. I don’t really have time to give to blogging that will turn it into anything. But (and this is a big but) I didn’t start blogging to become famous or even to get a writing gig. And the community I found? That’s been an incredible gift–one that was completely unexpected.
I get caught up in the numbers some days. I get jealous when I see another, newer blogger become uber-popular, but then I step back and think this is just another part of my life–not my whole life.
I went through this same thing last fall. Take your time. See what you feel is right.
I love reading you.
I get all obsessive about stats and comments too. My preoccupation makes me absolutely queasy. But I can’t stop! If I weren’t neck-deep in my beloved manuscript, I’d almost wish for my computer to start steaming and groaning so I’d have an excuse to go back to real life more often.
Man, I could have written this. (Well, except for the broken computer thing.) I’ve got paid writing gigs now, mostly because of the blog, and I wonder constantly if the blog is marketing or psychological outlet. Or both.
There must be something in the water because I just don’t feel like I have the inspiration or motivation to write on a blog for a bit. That being said, I think I won’t quit all together, it will just be more infrequent.
And yes, the “baby is broken” comment scared me until I kept reading.
I took that kind of spring break back in February. I thought I would come back refreshed and full of new ideas. Uh, nope. I’m trying to only post when I truly feel like it, but it is so hard to separate the inspiration and obligation of it all. It’s so intertwined.
Definitely something in the water I think. I’ve been feeling this since late january.
Have fun on your spring break.
Enjoy your break and I’ll look forward to your return.
I hope your baby comes back in perfect condition just after you’ve had enough time to think about what YOU want.
Regardless, I’ll be here for you!!
Whenever I get like this I stop, reassess and define exactly why I blog. If your goal is not to be THE NUMBER ONE BLOGGER IN ALL THE UNIVERSE than maybe some of those things you’re hooked on don’t matter.
By the way I’m not going to that retreat thing. Neither is Dooce. So I figure we’re in good company.
A most excellent post. I struggle with this all the time (although I don’t have as many readers as you, so I don’t give the numbers much thought). However, I do often wonder what I could accomplish if I poured the hours I spend blogging into other creative writing pursuits. I am grateful for the fact that blogging has influenced me to roll phrases and words around in my head most days. I feel like it has improved the writing I do for my business clients. Still, my end goal is not to be a really good freelance business writer.
Sorry for the comment hijack. I hope you enjoy your break and find the clarity you are seeking.
When you get the whole blogging vs. life thing figured out, let me know. I could use some help.
Spring break like a good idea. Have fun!
I’m sorry you’re feeling torn . . . hopefully that Chicago-time will help answer your questions.
That being said, I understand. Getting caught up in it all — letting it filter into time that should be spent thinking/doing other things. But if there is anything I’ve learned, for myself, over these past few years of baring my soul (some of it) with the blogging world, it is that I feel like I’m being “me.” Whether nobody reads or just my family or whathaveyou, I like to write. I do it for me. I do it for my kids. I do it for my family.
Dell, dell, dell, dell, dell, dell, dell, dell. Do do do do do do! I know macs are sleek and shiny and hip, but my Dell is a work horse of a laptop. 5 years old and has never been sent in for repairs – though I do have in house tech support.
Good luck with that laptop–sorry it’s broken again…
I hear you–as I wrote on Andi’s blog, I’m at a crossroads myself.
We’ll miss you. Have fun in Chi Town!
Take the time you need to figure out what makes you feel good.
I blog stictly for myself. I stopped a few months into blogging when I began because I became obsessed about stats and such and I couldn’t keep up.
When I returned, four months later, I vowed to only write when I felt like it, and only commit to doing it if it made me happy.
It’s been over a year and it still works for me. Maybe because I view blogging as a hobby, or an outlet, not a gateway to different things.
I hope you find what you are looking for, my friend.
Good luck with the laptop and hope it’s a fast fix for you! Have fun and hope to see you when you get back.
You know I love your blog, it’s one of my favorites, really. I love the way you write and the way you think.
But one thing I also like about blog relationships is the ebb and flow. I have been absent the past few weeks for work and travel and life, and have been trying to push down the guilt, and have been (mostly) successful because I know true blog friends are the kind that pick up where they left off. That we understand that there are so many forces pushing and pulling on all of us.
We’ll be here when you are ready to chat again.
xoxox
Hope the computer is fixed soon.
Yes, it is so easy to get hooked on the comments and statcounter and everything else that goes along with this blogworld. When I first started I had no idea that anyone would ever read. I wrote for myself because it made me feel better.
Sometimes you need to take a break to find that feeling again.
Good luck. I hope you don’t stop blogging. I would miss reading you.
We’ll be here waiting. As for me…blogging began with a two-fold purpose. The first was to give myself an public outlet for my writing since so many of the paid gigs I had before had dried up. Secondly, I hoped that the new world of blogging would actually lead to something bigger. Professionally speaking…it hasn’t. While some of these rockstar bloggers enjoy so many of the opportunities denied the rest of us, there seems to be no “trickledown”. Socially, however, I have gained some wonderful friendships. That part really surprised me. So…that your Spring Break to relax and recoup. We’ll be here when you get back. Please don’t stop blogging. We need you.
Whatever decision and arrangement you make will be fine, so long as you don’t just stop. No pressure.
I know what you mean– as I craft yet another site redesign, make possibly another job change, and otherwise rearrange everything, I need to reconfigure my committment to posting and keeping up with commenters and quality, because right now, I’m beat. But it’s worth it, just gotta figure out how.
Sorry to hear about your baby. My battery nearly exploded on mine
Get a Dell. Seriously. My husband’s Dell fried from Cordy knocking it off the couch, and the in-home tech came the next day and replaced the mothereffin’ motherboard on the laptop. The entire thing was taken apart. But it works great now, and was out of commission for only 32 hours.
As for blogging, I know how you feel. I go through phases where I’m so self-conscious of my traffic, stats, etc. And right now I can’t seem to find the right balance of writing, reading, commenting, and Twitter. It’s taking up too much of my life, and that’s not good.
Hope you find the solution that works best for you. (And I hope you’ll share it with all of us who might be looking for a solution, too.)
Total loss of identity does happen when you have a baby. With my first, I thought it was THE END! My life was OVER! By boy number three, I knew that it was just a phase and I enjoyed it. I only started blogging in September, and it has been SO wonderful. I love Bloggers, and I WISH I had had that suppourt when I had babies! But could I have made the time? I hope you can, in the midst of raising a baby boy! Good luck!
Wow, this helped me. I thought I was the only one feeling burned out. And I blamed it on the cancer and chemo therapy. I think by reading everyones comments, been doing this a year this past December. We must all go through times when we need to back off and take a look at what we really want for ourselves. Thanks for the introspective. I think it helped me and I’m hoping time will help you.
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://www.grammology.com
I am in exactly the same place and the forced time off from the move has given me perspective. I am unsubscribing from a lot of blogs. I like them a lot, I wish I could keep reading, but I cannot. So, I have to unsubscribe to a lot I have started reading recently.
For me, I don’t know who my audience is…family, friends, strangers, me??? I don’t know what my purpose is… deep thought, fun, updates on the boys, craft? I refuse to “pimp my blog” and I moved to google reader to track a few blogs I read, stop following comments to other blogs (as to not feed my obsessive-compulsive cycle)… so my audience doesn’t grow. But do I want it to? I hear every word you are saying, some of which you’re not saying outloud. Good luck.