A few months ago I learned that the president of The Poo’s cooperative preschool reads my blog.
While the moment of her revelation nearly gave me a heart attack (as several preschool-related posts ran through my mind and my life flashed before my eyes), the connection has been a good one. She even started her own blog, and thanks to her I am keeping The Poo home today to avoid a stomach flu epidemic that may require CDC intervention.
Then some other mothers in The Poo’s class shyly came forward and “outed” themselves as CAC readers (hi guys!). While my reaction was slightly more sanguine the second time around, it still makes me think about just how easy it is to figure out who I am from reading this blog.
I never made a secret about where we live, and I’ve posted various pictures of myself and my daughter. I make a thinly veiled attempt to conceal Mr. C’s place of study, but anyone with half a brain could make the connection in 10 seconds.
I link to my old site, where in the beginning I used all of our real names and wrote more freely about familial and marital conflicts.
There are still some important people in my life who are either oblivious to or have agreed not to read what I write here. My husband is under a pact that rivals the Geneva Convention to avoid CAC at all costs, and my mother has absolutely no idea that I’ve been tapping out stories about our shared – and sometimes strained – grief over the death of my father.
My mother-in-law knows about CAC, thanks to my husband’s big yapper, but reluctantly agreed to let me have my privacy here. She is very nearly foaming at the mouth to be a regular reader, and while I think her motives are pure (she is a generous supporter of my talents), she would find some essays here that are not to her liking.
But how hard would it really be for them to find me?
Not hard at all.
I use a version of my real byline at GNMParents, and if you have any intimate knowledge of the details of our life you could out me with a very simple Google search.
When Karla mentioned that she is an avid blog reader and discovered me through various inter-linkings between blogs, I was at once nonplussed and terrified. If she found me, who else could?
I’ve been musing on what I should do, as CAC hits its second birthday. Hundreds of posts and thousands of words, not to mention a lifetime’s worth of emotions, reside in these virtual pages. Am I ready to let everyone in?
The answer in my heart is “no.” I don’t want everyone here. Not because I don’t love them, and not because I don’t trust them. Because I know if I was out in the open that I would lose something intangible. I would feel constrained in areas of my life that I need to talk about, need to work out using the only tool at my disposal – my words.
Is this an online diary? Is it, by its very nature, public, as my husband’s stepfather would contend?
Maybe.
But for now, it is my private space to write about my life without judgment.
At least, if I don’t write about preschool.
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I was recognized the other day at the library by a reader. It was very disconcerting as I wonder if the people I’ve complained about also recognize me. Not having anonymity makes me really consider censoring many post ideas.
As more and more people find out about my blog, I’m having to censor myself. Most of my family and some of my in-laws read. Sometimes I like this because they used to be my only audience and they love reading about the kids.
On the other hand, it really sucks to be unable to write about anything but my kids. Any time I have put anything really personal about myself up there, someone always gets all worried that I’m going to off myself just because I had the gall to admit I was having one bad day. I also live in fear of someone at work finding it. Not that I slag work or anything, but I’m not too keen on having those people know the most intimate details about my life.
I so understand this. I don’t feel at liberty to share all of my thoughts and feelings when they pertain to the people in my life because at some point some of them are going to come across this blog and read it. Stuff I would have no problem sharing with strangers, I am hesitant to share with friends and family.
I am envious of those who share their thoughts and stories so openly. I just can’t bring myself to do it.
The day my Dad commented on my blog was shocking for me – it wasn’t a secret by any means, and he is geniunely interested, but I just thought he wouldn’t be.
It’s a tough call. I often think about starting a new secret blog, but I just don’t have the energy to go there.
I started my blog with the sole purpose of keeping family and friends updated on Ethan and his journey with cochlear implants. Now so many months later, I wish I had just started a blog for me, one that my family and friends didn’t know about, one that could still include stories about Ethan, but also be a place where I could feel free to write about other topics.
I go back and forth on this. I’ve told quite a few people about my blog so it’s really too late for me to think I’m anonymous. My in-laws don’t read it and I hope they never find it because I have blown off steam about them on occasion. My own family all read, including my husband and my parents. I think they like to see a different side of me.
I generally don’t write anything that I wouldn’t tell someone in person though. (Besides my in-laws.)
….on a different topic, my feed reader isn’t notifying me of your posts…saw on Twitter about your post.
I told no one about my blog that I know in real life except my husband. Somehow though, the wife of a cousins found my blog and insisted on reading in my archives for months and months and printing and mailing out the posts to any of my family that was mentioned in the blog. It was really ugly. No, it was really really ugly.
So, for a while, I wrote posts tainted with reference to “the snooper” by making suggestions like “I know the snooper is reading this but let me tell you what happened…..” Or, something like “and listen snooper, if I said it here, I’ll say it to so and so’s face so I don’t need you to help me”
Finally she obviously grew tired of it because stuff doesn’t spread like it did for a while. However, that was 2 years ago and one cousin still doesn’t talk to me and I don’t talk to the snooper but she still finds it necessary to send invitations to my kids for her kids b-day party or easter egg hunt or whatever.
I’m a pretty out spoken person but I hate confrontations. The things I had said on my blog were things I would have said to those people, but she made it a big ugly scene instead of allowing it to be normal stuff.
Anyway, my novel is over here but I keep blogging, you can believe that.
My whole family reads ROT and most read CIL. In fact, my SIL has ROT posts on her desktop so even my 2nd grade niece can read it without trouble. It is VERY constraining to know that audience is there and will call me 15 minutes after I post about the post. My mom reads many of the same blogs I do and so sometimes reads my comments around teh internetz.
My heart wants my blog to be a private place, but my mind knows it’s not. I learned this the hard way when we were house shopping last year and the sellers of the house we bought did a bit of detective work and found my blog. Ugh.
I do think, personally, that a bit of self-censoring is not such a bad thing in the blogisphere. Just as I’d prefer that the whole world not read what I write, I also know, deep down, that some things need to remain private for myself and this is a good thing.
My philosophy has always been that if I would ever be horrified/upset by the fact that someone I didn’t want reading a post read a post and was hurt/saddened by it, then I shouldn’t have posted it in the first place. But this is my philosophy, though–every writer has their own!
I have yet to have someone tell me that they’ve *found* my blog. I’ve told only a select few friends about it, but no family (that I know of) reads it.
I don’t know how I’d react if I was recognized somewhere or someone said something to me at the daycare. I think I’d be beat red and worried WHAT they read. LOL
Mine is selectively private. It would not be hard to figure out who I am, who my husband it, and so forth but I am not going to blurt it out. There are some things I will not write about at all even if my blog was completely private. I agree that self-censorship is not such a bad thing.
I’ve definitely been more self-censoring since my MIL did snoop around and find my old blog. She has since stopped trying to read it, but it was a wake-up call. A lot of what I write skims the surface of the real issues, or avoids them altogether.
The only aspect about which I feel totally open is writing about motherhood.
But my marriage? Ha! You’ll see that those posts are few and far between.
Some of my family knows I blog, I never gave them a name, may have mentioned it in passing to my mom, she hates the Internet, so I am safe. My husband recently found out the name, by way of an email. None of them read it or atleast I don’t think so and no one is mad at me, so I guess I am safe. If I got to be a big thing,LMAO, I would be afraid of being outed. I would censor myself to the point of what’s the use in writing. I rant on a daily basis of my family, they would kill me.
I don’t think I know too many people who are blog readers. A lot of my friends and family know about my blog (and read it). But not all of them. And not most of my preschool doesn’t know. But they could find me in about 4 seconds of Googling, so I always keep that in mind.
What a great sentence: And not most of my preschool doesn’t know. I meant to say: Most of the people at my preschool don’t know about it.
It totally stinks to be outed, doesn’t it? I’ll never forget the day my mom told me in an icy voice that she had found my blog and read a searing post I’d written…about her.
I shudder to think about it even now.
I told my friends and family first, before I ventured out here and found this great community so, yeah, I censor.
I have also been struggling with how much it’s okay to write about my older kids. They don’t know about the blog and I don’t want them to read it because that would really slap the muzzle on me. However, I want to respect their privacy, especially my son who is turning nine this year.
My hubs and I were just talking about this last night. In some ways, I wish none of my relatives or friends knew about my blog. But on the other hand, I am much more thought out and careful about what I post. I like the idea of having a certain amount of “check” on my self.
This post hit close to home for me. I only recently started my blog – it took me forever to decide how anonymous I wanted to be. So far I’ve only told a few close friends and my dh. It makes me queasy to think about my family, coworkers, or neighborhood acquaintances finding me. Not that I’ve written anything I need to hide – but I might want to. If you ever go to an anon blog you must find a way to let your not irl readers know about it!
This post scared me.
There are 3 people IRL who know about my blog and hopefully (wishful thinking?) it will stay that way.
I guess you never know.
i was torn when i first began – to share or not to share. as far as i know in my real life only a few friends, my brother and the husband know about the blog. and sometimes i think that’s too many!!
this is why i still keep my journal…although at times i wish i could say it all on the blog.
There are so many things I wish I could discuss, without care for what it would reap.
*sigh*
Last night, I had a parent in Einey’s class mentioned about how he reads my blog. And of course, other parents over heard and were like “you have a blog?”
I am torn with writing about my family (and thus, tend not to) because they read my blog. I’d love to be able to just vent but would feel the need to censor and then would still even probably end up offening someone.
I just outed my blog to my mother-in-law and my husband’s 70something aunt. They are both devout Christians who have probably never used the “F-word” in their lives and, well, I have. And do. And still want to. But they really wanted to read it, so I sent them a link with a few warnings and caveats and so far the world has not caved in. Though it’s only been 4 days so maybe it’s not the best test yet. I do understand your desire to limit who reads CAC.
Why are you always in my head? Every other day I get an e-mail saying “I know who you are” “My kid goes to school with your kid” ” I saw you wherever but didn’t say anything” It’s kind of creepy especially given the fact that I’ve never posted my picture. I’m more worried about a mental person becoming obsessed with my kid or something (maybe I watch too much law and order). I am reminded everyday just how small Champaign is and I contemplate going private. My whole family and all my NY friends read because that’s who I started it for after all and they all know what a nut I am. According to my stats, more people in IL read it than everyone else combined. My husband said that he walked into a colleague’s office the other day and she was reading it! Maybe one day soon I’ll go to invitation only. Until then, I just tell myself that in a few years after I blow this joint, no one who lives here will ever see me again. Ha!
Belle, that would totally creep me out.
I was talking with someone and she asked me a question. I must have looked at her funny because she said “Oh, I read your blog.”
When I started my blog, it was because a coworker had a blog that was no secret. I blabbed and let everyone know about mine. I kind of wish I hadn’t. I feel like I can’t complain about coworkers. And some of them really take it personally and don’t speak to me for weeks (months) when I out them for being a pain-in-the-ass. But then again, some of my coworker readers are wonderful. And I’m glad they read because they know me on a different level that maybe they wouldn’t have.
Sometimes I start telling a story and someone will say “I know, I saw it on your blog.” Or sometimes when I start to tell someone a story, I just tell them to go read about it.
I have gotten to know moms from school through blogging. Pick up and drop off is sometimes so rushed that I barely say hello to anyone.
My wish: that people who actually know the blogger IRL would admit to it and delurk.
I have also struggled with whether to post pictures. I’ve been in this town a long time and thousands (okay, maybe hundreds) of people would probably recognize me.
I also wonder if I should just use my real name.
But I really don’t want my relatives or husband reading! Though my mom or hubby could find me with one quick search.
A real life friend recently swore OFF my blog. She said that reading about my lfie wasn’t how she wanted to know me and that she worried that reading my blog could replace our real face to face relationship. She wants to see me.
Amazing on some levels.
It’s hard. I am becomming better at thanking people who mention reading in real life, and accepting their praise. But it also confines me, in ways I wish it wouldn’t.
Ah yes, to be stalked by the bloggeratzi. I couldn’t imagine regularly reading a friend/ acquaintance’s blog anonymously. As if they didn’t have a choice to walk away. “But then, you did post it on the Internet,” they’ll tell you as if the fault could only be yours. Cowards!
Once the red in your face drains, march onward without changing a darned thing about yourself or your blog. You’ll realize that when you can hold your composure in the face of your enemies (yes, you’ve been betrayed, let me validate that for ya), you’ll strengthen your P.O.V. and have a mightier pen for it.
It’s a rite of passage.
My family knows about my blog….most read it instead of talking to us. So, I definately censor my in-law talk. But I like to keep it ‘private’…when my hub posted a bunch of photos of us as an anniversary gift I was pissed off. But…you know…we are on the interweb for all to see.
We’ll see when I am teaching next year how I feel about my school families reading.
Great post. Thanks.
The PTA just started reading mine too. It was freaky.
Yup. I have had to come up with creative ways of complaining about my husband, and can only tell nice cute stories about the kids. I started as a family-overseas info blog to keep them up-to-date on all our fun stuff, but more and more I want to write about ME ME ME! And I get emails: More about the nephews!
Sometimes I think I will chuck in the towel and start a secret blog that only bloggy friends can read, but WTF? What do I REALLY want to write? Stuff that all of my husband’s friends’ wives and my in-laws and mom and dad will not know about?
You have really started a conversation here, it is interesting to see what everyone else has to say. I like the way I am forced to censor and complain creatively, but sometimes I read my blog and it’s so CUTE. Ick!
Luckily, I have a few dear friends who I can call and say: “I need you to help me hide a body” and they A) help to come up with creative ways to commit the crime, B) know I’m not serious, and C) would never tell. And I end up in stitches. If I didn’t have that, I would have to do it on a secret blog!