She calls from her room, wildly yelling my name amid a flurry of tears.
Another bad dream.
I open her door and she is already standing at the rail, waiting for me to hold her in my arms. She grabs me, buries her wet face in my neck.
A dream, Mommy. I dreamed about a scary wizard!
Somehow I carry her heavy body, her feet dangling near my knees. She could walk; I should let her. My belly juts out between us, awkwardly pushing her back into a curved C. But I want to hold her, want her to feel my heart beating against hers, calming her.
Together we tumble into the big bed. She sighs, her tears dry now. A small hand steals up under my chin, her body melding to mine the same way it did so many days ago when she was brand new to the world.
I was afraid then, her skin so thin and bones so soft. Now she is sturdy and strong, big and small all at once, a living paradox. Girl and baby fighting for control of her heart and mind. Her body, though, has lost the battle. She is a big girl now, knees and elbows and thick, curly ponytails.
My eyes flutter closed, our hearts thrumming in tandem, slowing, slowing, slower still. Deep breaths carry us into the darkness. I turn on my side, she tucks herself against my back and that hand, that sweet, restless hand, pats my hair once, twice.
We are still.
A truck carries a twin bed across the states, destined for her bedroom. While I anxiously await her final piece of big-girl furniture, part of me mourns these nights spent together in the dark, just us two, even as they happen.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t worry you will still have those nights, you just won’t have to carry her to your bed she will walk there on her own.
If I could I would have a crib for my 5 yr old. I can’t take anymore 4am wake up calls sent by elbow to the face.
Yep. What SoMo said. My daughter is 5 1/2 and still crawls into bed with me.
Just because she has a big girl bed doesn’t mean she’ll stay in it.
Flynn’s been in her twin bed since she was 20 months old and she still comes to get me on occasion. We usually sleep in the guest room – the bed’s bigger than hers (and we don’t have to share it with a zillion stuffed animals).
Evan’s been in his twin bed since he was about 18 months old and is in our bed just about every night.
We don’t mind. I figure this parenting gig is not a sprint, it’s a marathon and I doubt they’ll be hopping into bed with us when they’re teenagers (at least I hope not).
They do keep coming home to us, but oh “…her body though has lost the battle” almost finished me.
Beautiful, sweet one, just beautiful.
And when she is 32, she will still want her mom there when she has a bad nightmare.
It’s okay, she’ll still come to you. This time, out of her big girl bed and into yours. It’s less work on your part.
I can so relate to this.
she definitely won’t stay in the big girl bed, but yes, yes, yes…it’s still this loss. you wrote about this in a way that seared inside my heart.
*sigh*
I miss those days SO much. My middle son actually asked me to massage his sore legs after his track meet and that’s about as close to the full body hug as I’m going to get these days. When your kids are bigger than you, it gets harder to find ways to cuddle them without grossing them out.
We keep a camping mat stowed behind the door of our room for “nightmare” nights. He appears in the doorway, tossled hair, eyes wild, seeking safety, comfort, sleep. He is,The Hair, My eldest who at nearly 14 still knows that the safest place to be in the dark when you’re scared is with your Mom — even if you won’t fit in the bed anymore.
I typed my blog in wrong — who’s blog is it anyway? You can find more adventures of The Hair there.
Such a sweet post. She’ll always be your baby girl. You keep right on loving on her and she’ll always want you.
I admit that I was so reluctant to get a big girl bed for my oldest that I borrowed a crib and used two for a year. That’s pretty bad.
Love this post.
This was so beautiful! And you’ll have more of those nights. I still wake up with at least 3 in my bed, every morning!