Here in the great state of Illinois, in the small city of Chambana, we do not have municipal refuse collection. I had no idea there were places where you had to pay for your own garbage collection – especially here, considering that our tax bill would indicate that we live in a palace on an acre of land composed entirely of solid gold.
For that great big honkin’ property tax bill, we get exactly ZERO services. Oh, wait. We get snow removal.
*cackles hysterically*
Anywhoo, when we set up housekeeping here in our beautiful suburban cracker box tract house, I called the city government offices to set up garbage collection.
“Hi!” I chirped. “I’d like to know how to set up my garbage collection!”
“Uh, you look in the phone book,” snarled some petty civil servant.
Then she hung up on me.
Welcome to Chambana, Chicken Family!
Oy.
So I dutifully set up private refuse removal, and read the list of rules about how much, when and what we could and could not dispose of. My husband shook his head when I showed him the postcard that arrived in April, announcing that we needed to spend additional dough to get stickers for grass removal.
We had to buy the stickers and the paper bags upon which to affix the stickers, within which we could place our grass clippings. And no more than two bags at a time, suckas.
“Christ!” Mr. C. exclaimed. “In Rochester we could have put a human head in the trash and no one would have given a shit.”
Every Tuesday for 17 months we’ve put the trash out and it has been picked up without incident.
Until today.
Today?
Today I found this on my trash can:
Why, yes! That IS a giant, filthy plastic dildo of some sort!
Oh my fucking God.
I pulled into the driveway post preschool pickup and squinted at the can. “Whathefuuuu…” I mutter under my breath.
I had packages galore in the front seat, not to mention a take-out lunch for The Poo and a chocolate malt calcium-based beverage for me. I handed The Poo her lunch and told her to stay in the garage.
I walked to the end of drive to inspect the can.
Is it … could it be …
ACK! THAT IS A GIANT FILTHY PLASTIC PENIS WITH A FUCKING SCREW CAP ON THE END!*
Hyperventilating with rage and disgust, I rushed my daughter into the house and punched in the number for the garbage company.
“Hello,” I practically screamed. “I think one of your crew left a GIANT DILDO on my garbage can!”
“Oh,” said the woman who answered. “Oh. My.”
“IT WASN’T THERE WHEN I LEFT AND NOW IT IS THERE AND NOW I HAVE TO REMOVE AND WHO PUT IT THERE CAN YOU HELP ME FIND OUT?”
She assured me someone would call me back.
Someone did call, the son of the company’s owner. He explained that it wasn’t his crew – he was on the truck this morning – but that an employee of a rival refuse company was shouting obscenities and making dirty gestures at one of his men this morning, just about the time they were picking up my garbage.
He gave me the guy’s name and the name of the company.
“I’m almost positive it was him,” he said. “And I’m awful sorry. That’s pretty sick.”
Sick? Sick?? I have to go outside and EXTRACT A DILDO FROM MY GARBAGE CAN.
I left a message at the rival company, but to what end I’m not sure. What, like he’s gonna come back and remove the GIANT FILTHY DILDO for me? No, thank you. I do not want this man anywhere near my house.
There are days, people. There are days when living in Chambana seems like the best thing that ever happened to us.
And then there are the days when I paid for my garbage to be taken to a nice landfill, only to find a GIANT FILTHY DILDO wedged in the handle of my trashcan.
* Welcome, Google perverts!
{ 4 trackbacks }
{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
No. Way.
They should’ve come and disposed of that for you. That is disgusting!
Ick. Thank god I live someplace where it’s merely that the mailmen are too wussy to carry and deliver boxes of very heavy PAPER checks, AND MAKE YOU GO PICK THEM UP AFTER WAITING IN LINE FOR 30 MINUTES, WTF? Ahem. Well, sorry to hear about your garbage can.
I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but I think I would have peed my pants if that happened to me. Of course if it had happened to anyone in my neighborhood, they would have accused me of the crime first.
oh my – I’ve peeked into your site from time to time and this is not the usual picture! first reaction, laughed, second reaction – ohmygod – i’ve seen some nasty stuff in the alleys of chicago, but this tops it all.
I’m sorry, but I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks. That is HYSTERICAL!! (Of course, it’s also not my trash can…)
Wow. A picture really is worth a thousand words. That’s so nasty.
Your reaction was entertaining- if only that was the sole purpose of you making so much drama out of this. I mean really. All this over what amounts to a piece of garbage tossed on your property? Calls to the garbage companies? How much time and thought have you now invested into what could have been a 30 second trip to get something to cover your hands so you could pick it up and put it in the trash? What do you do when litter blows into your lawn?
I’m just gonna take a wild stab and guess you live a fairly privileged life. If this is your biggest problem in a day… geez. I’d also guess that you’re pretty high maintenance. Still, entertaining at least.
Ah J – or is it Jackie, as your IP address reveals? I also see you work at the university. No surprise there. Like so many of my fellow denizens of this fair, fair city, you HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
And next time YOU find a dildo in your garbage, may be you ever so much more low maintenance than me, and simply, elegantly dispose of it. Perhaps in your ASS?
Did I mention my three-year-old was with me?
You are an asshole.
best
Mrs. Chicken
Any parent with half an imagination can help a three year old bypass the terrible trauma that must occur from driving by sex toy garbage. Kids typically end up reflecting the trauma perceived from adults around them anyway… so in your case, I guess your kid really is at risk.
And I do have a sense of humor… I did mention the entertainment value of your post not once, but twice. I don’t think you were trying to be humorous, however, when you made so much ado over nothing to multiple garbage companies.
Maybe I am an asshole… maybe I have a pet peeve for spoiled drama queens. Or maybe it’s just the foul stench of how impressed you are with yourself. You did guess my dog’s name afterall.
Oh my god- I think there’s a dirty magazine out on my sidewalk! I’m going to call someone and complain about it, as I’m very upset. Please don’t use the caps lock on me again… that really stung.
-J-
Princess Chicken–
I guess I don’t quite understand why you’d call the garbage company. If someone rudely left a soiled condom on my car, I wouldn’t call Honda.
After recently moving out of Chambana to a place with municipal garbage and recycling (as I had grown up with for many years), I actually miss the competition of the privatized version. They were responsive, courteous, timely, and polite. Municipal collection has occasionally not picked up, they throw the cans around, etc.
You pay for garbage collection one way or another — either through a check to a company or your taxes. At least with a check to a company, it’s clear who is getting the money and how much.
I suppose you’re one of those folks that doesn’t even realize you’re paying taxes because it’s just “withheld” every month.
A little too much east-coast drama for those of us that prefer to stay west of Ohio. I say ball up and deal or go back to the ivory towers of the east.
Oh Chambana. Thank you for once again confirming why I hate you so much.
People, an employee of the garbage company clearly left this in my trash. I was disgusted and offended.
I realize that I pay for trash in my taxes, Megan. I am not stupid. And my taxes here are higher than they were on the wicked old east coast and I get less – less house and fewer services.
From now on I am deleting trolls from this post. Get a life, people, and may your garbage from now on be littered with something that was once in someone else’s vagina.
BBWWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!
OMFG.
HAHHAAAAAHAHAHAH!!
Sorry.
Holy, holy hell.
Oh, wait!
I just read the FUCKING TROLLS!!
AAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
OMG, Mrs. C. My face hurts from laughing. Never in my life have I seen such sticking up for the *dirtiest refuse possible.*
Those two are going to have to flip for it. Unless you happen to get ANOTHER dildo next week.
*still laughing*
Call them trolls if you want, but this is just common sense. I don’t know how any of those responses “stick up” for dildos somehow, but would love to hear.
I too, question the powers of deduction that immediately jumped to the conclusion posted. What probably happened is a neighbor or passerby saw this nasty object laying in the street or something, and being good neighbor, picked it up and set it on the nearest trash bin, avoiding invading your privacy by opening the trash. There’s a little old lady in my neighborhood that does just that.
But if you want, go on thinking that instead, it’s more likely that this is just a very complex way that garbage company employees express their supposed rivalry… Seriously? They get at each other by using sex toys on rival company residential garbage cans?
Come on.
Ew, ew, ew.
But the weirdest part of all this to me is that your garbage company management wasn’t surprised to hear of this, and even knew exactly who had done it and why (to get back at them).
There are some very, very strange goings-on in Chambana.
Out here in D.C. suburbs, some of us pay for trash removal through taxes, some through private companies, and some would swear they pay both ways. It varies – literally – by neighborhood.
I am mostly grossed out by, what, the OIL rubbed up and down it’s VEINY sides????
I would have lost my shit too.
Hehehehe
Aimee said “VEINY.”
Wow, my trash can has moved on its own, but never has it gone whoring itself out and come home with sex toys. Your trash can needs a stern talking to.
And as for how it got there. I’m in a midwestern town, and no one in our neighborhood would ever throw something like that in another neighbor’s trash can, much less wedge it in the handle. Unless they were feral neighbors trying to be mean.
As for the haters – if you don’t like rants about dildos don’t read them, instead of making a lot of drama of your own. Who’s the drama queen here?
OH this is a classic “who does that?” gah.
i love rachel’s husband’s comment up there. rofl!
This is my first time ever reading this blog, and this is the post I got! Will I be back? You bet your sweet bippy I will! You have the best commenters EVER.
OMG! This is by far the funniest, yet most disturbing, thing I’ve EVER heard of. I’m afraid that if that happened to me, I’d just hang something over it to cover it up and then cry until someone else removed it for me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sorry… first time visitor, although I have seen you around the blogosphere.
Funny stuff.
I love that trolls are so quick to jump on you, You Big Ol’ Drama Queen, you! You pampered suburban (cough PAYING FOR A SERVICE cough) dweller. Yet – they apparently live in quaint neighborhoods where little old ladies possess the delicate sensibilities of garbage removal without privacy invasion?
Hello? Dildo on garbage can + garbage not emptied = some sort of garbage company screw up.
You know, I don’t think it has anything to do with the trash companies, I think it was just some kids who found it and decided to stick it somewhere they thought would be funny. I do think the reaction was a little overblown. I think the trash collector’s didn’t pick it up because they didn’t know what to make of the vibrator stuck in the handle, which is totally understandable. I don’t think it is really that big of deal though, and pretty funny.
Okay, so here’s the real question that goes right to the root (as it were) of the problem: Why did a couple of garbage-men have a big ole veiny, battery-powered dong with them on their truck?
My son sent me this link. Funny! Hey, you can never say life in shampoo-banana is boring, can you? (I live in a little town ’bout 30 miles from you.)
I used to work at the post office before I retired, and the carriers there took turns putting a big black dildo in the collection boxes. One of the girls brought it back in with her, dunno what ever happened to it. Maybe she took it home?
Oh, and for Amy Greeblemonkey……..
maybe that AIN’T oil?!?!
Urgh, just grossed myself out…
I don’t know what’s funnier, the post or the comments.
I’m not normally the freak-out type, but yeah, I would have freaked out.And I would have made just as many calls as you if not more.
I just have to say that I lived in a town where someone actually did leave a head in a dumpster of a local business and yes it Did get noticed. That was something to be disgusted about, and really not something to laugh about. Life is not always pretty, but you are making a lot of noise about something that you could have easily just removed and thrown away. I also lived in Western New York, and while I loved it, they have their own problems too. And yes my taxes were just about as high as they are here.
I’m going to have to agree with Jenni — the post had me tearing up in laughter at 3 a.m. while my husband snores away… but then I read the people debating public pick up versus private and I guffawed.
It’s nasty that this happened to you Mrs. Chicken!
Oh WOW!
I can’t believe I missed this!!
And I’m sorry to say that I am laughing MY ASS OFF at that picture!!
You poor dear
Holy crap, that was hilarious. I’m sorry you had to be the one to get a dildo on your trash can, but your story has enhanced my life for the day.
Ok… The screw cap part that is black is for the batteries. and the red part of the cap is a turn dial for the speed of vibration. its pretty standard feature on most vibrator. Also I can see why you’d be mad it be totally different without the possiblity of your children almost seeing it. people have lost it. like the people who stomped that guy at walmart to death on black friday to get a deal… sometimes im afriad of my species…
thank you so much
Wow, I just randomly found this through a weird google search result…
I realize it is a couple years old, but….
I have to tell you, besides laughing my ass off with shock and amusement (Homer Simpson always says it is funny because it happens to someone else) I have to tell you, I love your writing. I have paged through your blog and find your presentation very colorful, direct and honest.
Thank you for sharing.
I’m kind of concerned. No lube I’ve ever used has been that color.
What are you complaining about, the property tax in westchester is 18,000 for a small property.
P.S.
Don’t forget to recycle the batteries.
Im pretty sure I would have been pissed off for 5 seconds disgusted for the next 10 mins but lmao for another week over this. A classic prank. Personaly I wouldn’t have called the company. Id of figured some rotten teenage kid did it and gotten rid of it, But then again that’s just me. I will say this to both “J” and Megan the both of your are just two bitches with nothing better to do but critique peoples issues (and yes I’m guilty as charged of it now too) and sadly its a fuggin hillarious story. Who gives a fuck what you two think about her approach too handling life. THIS SHIT IS FUCKING HILLARIOUS. I only wish I would have thought of this prank. And Mrs. Chicken I applaud you for having the balls to share such a disgusting and embarrasing tale for the whole world to now share with you. You rock even if you did freak out.
← Previous Comments