Here in the great state of Illinois, in the small city of Chambana, we do not have municipal refuse collection. I had no idea there were places where you had to pay for your own garbage collection – especially here, considering that our tax bill would indicate that we live in a palace on an acre of land composed entirely of solid gold.
For that great big honkin’ property tax bill, we get exactly ZERO services. Oh, wait. We get snow removal.
*cackles hysterically*
Anywhoo, when we set up housekeeping here in our beautiful suburban cracker box tract house, I called the city government offices to set up garbage collection.
“Hi!” I chirped. “I’d like to know how to set up my garbage collection!”
“Uh, you look in the phone book,” snarled some petty civil servant.
Then she hung up on me.
Welcome to Chambana, Chicken Family!
Oy.
So I dutifully set up private refuse removal, and read the list of rules about how much, when and what we could and could not dispose of. My husband shook his head when I showed him the postcard that arrived in April, announcing that we needed to spend additional dough to get stickers for grass removal.
We had to buy the stickers and the paper bags upon which to affix the stickers, within which we could place our grass clippings. And no more than two bags at a time, suckas.
“Christ!” Mr. C. exclaimed. “In Rochester we could have put a human head in the trash and no one would have given a shit.”
Every Tuesday for 17 months we’ve put the trash out and it has been picked up without incident.
Until today.
Today?
Today I found this on my trash can:
Why, yes! That IS a giant, filthy plastic dildo of some sort!
Oh my fucking God.
I pulled into the driveway post preschool pickup and squinted at the can. “Whathefuuuu…” I mutter under my breath.
I had packages galore in the front seat, not to mention a take-out lunch for The Poo and a chocolate malt calcium-based beverage for me. I handed The Poo her lunch and told her to stay in the garage.
I walked to the end of drive to inspect the can.
Is it … could it be …
ACK! THAT IS A GIANT FILTHY PLASTIC PENIS WITH A FUCKING SCREW CAP ON THE END!*
Hyperventilating with rage and disgust, I rushed my daughter into the house and punched in the number for the garbage company.
“Hello,” I practically screamed. “I think one of your crew left a GIANT DILDO on my garbage can!”
“Oh,” said the woman who answered. “Oh. My.”
“IT WASN’T THERE WHEN I LEFT AND NOW IT IS THERE AND NOW I HAVE TO REMOVE AND WHO PUT IT THERE CAN YOU HELP ME FIND OUT?”
She assured me someone would call me back.
Someone did call, the son of the company’s owner. He explained that it wasn’t his crew – he was on the truck this morning – but that an employee of a rival refuse company was shouting obscenities and making dirty gestures at one of his men this morning, just about the time they were picking up my garbage.
He gave me the guy’s name and the name of the company.
“I’m almost positive it was him,” he said. “And I’m awful sorry. That’s pretty sick.”
Sick? Sick?? I have to go outside and EXTRACT A DILDO FROM MY GARBAGE CAN.
I left a message at the rival company, but to what end I’m not sure. What, like he’s gonna come back and remove the GIANT FILTHY DILDO for me? No, thank you. I do not want this man anywhere near my house.
There are days, people. There are days when living in Chambana seems like the best thing that ever happened to us.
And then there are the days when I paid for my garbage to be taken to a nice landfill, only to find a GIANT FILTHY DILDO wedged in the handle of my trashcan.
* Welcome, Google perverts!
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Oh. My. God.
That is both the funniest and least funniest thing I’ve heard…
I’m so sorry!
Nasty! That thing should have been thrown out long ago – not at your expense though. Maybe it was some kind of sick perverse trash man’s April Fool’s joke, or he just didn’t want to put his dildo in his own trash can?
Please…PLEASE…make that picture go away.
I’m speechless. ewww.
oh no oh no oh no!!
honey – yuck!!
soooo very sorry
Ok, maybe this is me being a bit too naive, but what sort of liquid is poured into the apparatus to warrant a screw cap? I’m obviously missing something.
MsPrufrock, if only I knew. It is a perversity that, frankly, I DO NOT WANT TO IMAGINE.
Oh my Christ! I just spit my water out at the computer screen. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that but…
Bwahahahaha!
I believe the removal of such an item should fall to the man of the house. And ew.
OK, I would call your garbage company back right now and tell them you want this removed pronto, that you don’t care if they are feuding with a rival company, they need to take care of this RIGHT NOW. Stop passing the (sorry I couldn’t resist) buck.
wow…free dildos with garbage collection AND a palace on an acre of gold. that’s…um…lovely. lucky, lucky you.
OMG poor Mrs.Chicken. How and with what kind of hazard’s waste suit did you clean up that mess?? I think I would have found the biggest black trash bag they sell and trashed the whole can.
Well, you win for blogger story of the day!
My suggestion? Get some gloves, box it up and send it with a note the rival company noting that one of their employees was seen leaving it there and you are returning it. Ought to get their attention.
Unbelievable.
Seriously, you couldn’t have made that up if you tried.
Don’t worry. I won’t tell that you brought it inside and washed it off.
I would have put it on my husband’s pillow.
Ick.
And I had no idea there were places that you DON’T have to pay for your garbage pickup.
I pray that this is an April Fools joke…
however, the image of some smelly gargage buy snarling and screaming swear words as he waves a dildo is amusing…
Oh, that *is* gross!
(Here’s my solve-your-problem reply:)
The city has free pickup of yardwaste twice a year (check their website). You can also take it to the landscape recycling center for a very small fee. We do both things. It’s also where we get our mulch and compost by the truckful-very cheap!
I’ve heard that some people in town have to follow all these rules. We have Central Waste (they’ve changed their name recently). We don’t have to use their can and we have never been charged extra for putting out a TON of stuff. We like them.
Our garbage is private, but the bill covered by the city. Once we were signed up to pay our water/sewage we were also set up for garbage.
I think that is mighty funny and wonder if a friend of your neighbors got the wrong household.
Dang! I gotta know what the screw top is for. Are you sure it’s a dildo and not a big, honkin’, winky shaped flask?
I agree with ibotp (”yeah you know me!”) that your company should have gotten their damn act together and come over to take care of the problem. It would be the decent thing to do, and would have built goodwill. Instead, I hate them AND the cock-dropoff people.
I am sorry. And glad Poo didn’t come with you to investigate.
Am I the only naive one who has no earthly idea why a dildo needs a screw top?
And, ew.
What is up with the screw cap on that thing?
Oh, and holy cow.
This is oh so funny and oh so gross at the very same time. I’m surprised your readers don’t know that the screw cap isn’t for some mysterious liquid – it’s for the batteries!
Ok, none of you will ever talk to me again, but I think the cap is for warm water for a more *er* realistic feel.
And I can I tell you how much I completely love that in the middle of your gross out and outrage, you thought to take a picture to share with your readers?
That is extremely gross, although I imagine it was someone’s idea of a sick April Fools joke. At least, I’m going to be optimistic and think that
Please tell me the rival company wasn’t Klean Way. I can’t be writing my checks to the guys that did that. It’s so disgusting if a bunch of creeps want to go to war do it a la Sopranos and dump the owner’s son (that can’t be bothered to fix the situation) in a dumpster. Keep the sex toys out of sight of the paying customers.
Oh, my, yuck, yuck, yuck. I feel dirty and all I did was look at the photo!! Thanks to Jennifer for clearing up the screw top thing!
I went through the same thing when I moved here to suburbia from DC. Not the dildo, of course, but the paying for trash removal when I never had before.
Like Kristen said, this story definitely wins for you couldn’t make this shit up if you tried!
Ack!
I, too, was stumped by the screw top. But, yes, batteries makes waaay more sense than, say, keeping your Gatorade in it. You know, in case you get thirsty.
Ick.
Sweet, porny Jesus that is WRONG!!!! WTF?!?!?!
I am alternately cringing in horror and laughing hysterically.
Oh. My. God.
Oh sweetheart. Ugh.
I had to call hubs over for this one. He made a totally ‘appropriate’ comment.
“Looks like it was in garbage before it became garbage”
That’s just disgusting. So sorry you had to deal with this, but really… the Google traffic this is going to bring you, and the cringing laughter it gave us, your loving readers. Priceless.
No. way.
No. way.
Seriously, dude. NO WAY.
THAT is the most fucked up thing I have ever seen. For real, but hey- thanks – you taught me something. I wouldn’t have known that dildos should have batteries in the screw caps if it weren’t for you..
god i’ve been looking for that thing EVERYWHERE.
Now that wasn’t at all what I was expecting. ACK!
So sorry. That’s crappy.
Uh.. yeah… the top is is a speed control and that’s where the batteries go in… Love that you welcomed the Google perverts.
And… that is the funniest and most horrifying April Fool’s Day thing I’ve seen. I would lodge a complaint with your company and refuse to pay for this pick-up.. how are you to know there really was a rival company out there and they’re not just saying that to keep the heat off their own driver?
Once you remove it burn the gloves and all the clothes you wore, then take a hot, hot shower and watch five hours of HGTV to make the image of that thing go away.
Ewwww.
When we moved a few months ago, I had to figure out the local collection system too. Our trash bin is about half the size of the bin at our old house, but it’s been working out ok since they take so much more in the giant recycling bin. I purchased a few “extra trash” stickers just in case though. The really weird thing is that everyone throws their yard waste (grass clippings, tree branches) in the street. It just sits them in piles until trash day, when machinery comes to scoop it up.
I too am speechless! That might possibly the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
the only thing that could make that story funnier is if this wasn’t the first time this happened
UNBELIEVABLE. I think my head would have exploded on the phone. SICK.
O.M.G. That is hilarious, but in a very bad way.
OMG. The timing, of course, is just as bad as any other part of it. Post pre-school pick-up? Of course. For maximum impact, certainly.
Um, ewww. We live in Urbana and got the postcard from our company about yardwaste–I thought that’s just what we had to pay if we wanted them to pick it up, but that if we waited until the City had their occasional seasonal pickups it was still free. Maybe I’m wrong and/or maybe it’s different in Champaign?
Oh this is disgusting. You never know what your up against today. I hope you are able to resolve future incidents with this pervert…
My best,
Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram
http://www.grammology.com
Oh my GOD.
Oh my GOD.
OH MY GOD.
That’s fucking nasty. But also a little funny. I’m sorry.
If this the handiwork of those creeps from KleanWay … I will definitely cancel. I don’t like them that much anyway and that stupid toter annoys me on a daily basis.
Oh. My. God. Lovely picture though.
I also did not realize that towns could just decide to not pick up trash. Craziness. And I thought Massachusetts was bad.
The City of Urbana will be picking up yard waste over two weeks in April – the 7th-11th and 21st-25th. They pick up on your regular U-Cycle day.
I second the testimonial for Landscape Recycling in Urbana.
Batteries? That things too big for batteries, unless it’s those big azz square ones. It could be the speed control. I’ll bet it’s gas powered.. with a Weedeater motor.