Of all the things I could have passed down to my daughter – brown eyes, a love for reading, bad teeth – I never thought she would get my knee-jerk need to apologize.
I’ve been apologizing for as long as I can remember. When my parents argued, I thought it was my fault; I apologized. My friends and I disagreed; I apologized. I failed a math test; I apologized.
When one of my bosses sexually harassed me, I apologized to anyone who would listen after he demoted me for not responding to his advances. After I was very nearly killed in a car crash that was decidedly NOT my fault, I wandered around the collision site in shock, weeping and yelling, “I’m so so sorry! I’m so sorry I wrecked your new car, dad!”
My husband and I have a fight? No matter how wrong I think he is – and let me tell you, he is often wrong – I apologize. Someone else – not me – hurt your feelings? You guessed it!
I apologize.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s hard to see the wounded parts of ourselves in our children.
It could be a lot, lot worse. You could have passed on a sense of entitlement that obscures her ever thinking she is wrong. That’s a character trait I just can’t stand. I’ll take an unnecessary apologist over a pigheaded asshole, anyday.
I just hope that she doesn’t really feel like everything is her fault
I’m sorry. Just kidding, at least she’s not claiming she needs to go on a diet.
How can I explain to my daughter (5) that I don’t need to apologize for punishing her? She’ll do something bad, we’ll punish her, then she’ll threaten to keep doing whatever she did until we say we’re sorry.
Hah, I thought it was a cultural thing. It’s a thing in traditional African cultures that when something goes wrong, you say “sorry”. It’s like… you’re sympathising with a person. Like, I remember once when I pricked my finger while learning to sew, my nanny (who was Zulu) held me and said sorry. It wasn’t her fault. I was just clumsy. And in school, the black kids would say “sorry” when someone hurt themselves. It was sympathy… but long story short, I picked it up and now I say sorry for everything. I take it to the new extreme. I will take the blame for everything that is even remotely my fault, and even stuff that has nothing to do with me… with any luck, I won’t pass it onto my kids.
But I have had this conversation many, many times since my childhood:
My sister: Stop apologising!
Me: Sorry…
I find it easier to say the big Sorry’s when you practice with the little sorry’s, but I hear you about Poo apologizing for things that aren’t even her fault, like the allergies. She’s an empathetic kid and a smarty, she’ll figure it out and Shaggy will probably be the teacher.
My upbringing seemed to suggest that parents are always right and kids are always wrong. I apologized a lot. And I got tired of it.
Today I do so when the event merits it, but I can more easily ignore the reflex that demands that I do it.
My upbringing seemed to suggest that parents are always right and kids are always wrong. I apologized a lot. And I got tired of it.
Today I do so when the event merits it, but I can more easily ignore the reflex that demands that I do it.
I have to say that is one of my biggest worries, that Peanut will pick up a bad habit I don’t like about myself. I see that I did it with my own mother … perhaps it’s inevitable and just part of the cycle of life!
OH MY GOSH! I do this too. To a ridiculous degree. Say, if I’m in a store and two other shoppers have an awkward moment trying to get around each other, I APOLOGIZE! Even though I am nothing more than a casual observer of their weird moment.
Sadly, I have a really hard time apologizing when I actually should.
Oh — I always apologize as I am giving someone a gift I’ve gotten them. It drives my family nuts. Ugh.
I’d say if the Poo is able to apologize for actually being naughty, and apologizes for causing someone (perceived) discomfort, she is pretty awesome.
I get told off for continually apologising too.
Listen, better that than being the person who never apologizes. Well, anyway, I haven’t thought that through, but off the top of my head, better to apologize too much than not enough. Right? And you clearly don’t seem like the kind of person who means all those apologies for things that aren’t your fault: that’s the redeeming factor. (I’ve actually been known to apologize to myself – or anyway, to the appendage in question that I just stubbed or bruised or bumped.)
Yep, I can be the same way with strangers. They bump into me and I say I’m sorry.
BUT! BIG But!
I am always right with my husband. I apologize if wrong, but that’s so very rare. Hehehe. He on the other hand rarely apologizes. Arrggh. He could use some of your humility.