A conversation with my mother-in-law sparked a Sunday filled with anger, recriminations and tears.
She asked me how potty training was going.
The Poo is progressing nicely from toddler to full-blown preschooler, with her big girl bed, ability to get in and out of the bathtub by herself and her ever-exploding language and imagination skills.
She is, in short, a rather advanced three-year-old. If you were to see her on the street, all 98th-percentile height of her, with her complex, idiomatic speech, you’d think “four-year-old.”
But with that intellect comes a single steel thread of obstinance, smelted and forged through generations of ancestors on both sides, visited upon me in the deadly form of one very smart and very stubborn girl-child.
After my MIL asked how it was going with the whole potty thing and I told her I’d pretty much given up, I hung up the phone and sighed.
“What?” asked Mr. C.
“She asked about the potty,” I replied.
My husband just looked at me. Back in May of last year we were *thisclose* to getting her completely trained. One day, she just asked to use the potty and started using it with some regularity. I was eager to comply, tired of diapers and secretly thrilled that I could brag about how my kid “trained herself.”
Then I stopped.
We went on a road trip to Cleveland and I made an executive decision to abandon the potty while we were away. I assured Mr. C that it was better to stop than to try and institute a toilet routine when we were at his grandparents house, surrounded by distractions.
Plus, I wanted to be able to leave the house while we were there. Being trapped in a ranch house with about four decade of smoke and dirt made me want to weep.
Thus ended our potty karma, and my husband never lets me forget it.
So back to yesterday.
In a fit of motherly ambition I decided that we would eschew diapers and wear underpants. The Poo agreed 100 percent – until I heard her farting.
I hurried her into the bathroom and put her on the toilet. Her cushy potty seat with the bright pink handles is just the right size, and I slid her step-stool under her feet so she could sit comfortably.
Whereupon she proceeded to squeeze that little anus shut tight like a drum.
“The poop door is shut now, Mommy,” she told me gleefully. “No more poop!”
I made her sit there anyways, and urged her to let the poop out.
No joy.
Later, rinse repeat.
Until about 3:30, when she announced urgently that the poop door was open. She was on the couch when she issued this alert and I moved to sweep her into the bathroom.
To say she resisted is to say that the Chinese are champions of human rights.
Mr. Chicken stood up and tucked her under his arm like a writhing football and plopped her on the potty seat.
Where she proceeded to have a full-on meltdown with screaming, spitting, finger-pointing and slurs against both her parents, the likes of which I did not expect to hear until she asks to use the car and we tell her no.
That’s when I lost my cool.
I manhandled her off the potty after about 10 minutes of this and took her none-too-gently by the arm. I marched her into the living room and diapered her, all the while ranting about how she is a baby and I was angry at her and that it was bad to hold the poop in.
How she was a bad girl for not pooping on the potty.
I ordered her back on the couch and loudly told her: “Babies who wear diapers have to lay on the couch and cry by themselves!”
Then I left the room, where my guilt warred with my anger and frustration until I was driven back into the family room by her sad little sobs.
“Mom-mom-mommy!” she hiccuped. “I will u-u-u-use the potty LATER! I PR-PR-OOOO-MISE!”
I took her in my arms and buried my face in her shoulder. Keeping my voice steady while tears leaked down my own face, I calmly but firmly told her that we were learning to use the potty and there would be no more debate.
Then I made her look me in the eye.
“I love you even when I am angry at you,” I said. “It makes me angry when you close the poop door on purpose.”
Oy, the list of things I never thought I’d say grows each and every day.
We ended the day with one more session on the potty, where she did pee. And today we started again. Right now she is standing in front of the TV, eating a pancake and wearing nothing but her nightie. We already had one potty-sitting session and she did pee.
But she also clamped than little anus shut again.
It is going to be a very, very long day.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
The poop door is closed, people. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.
Can’t. stop. giggling.
Oh man, the poop door comment made me laugh. But I know how frustrating potty training can be, especially when you realize it is largely out of your control (mama can’t force the poop door open!)
Good luck with the training.
Poop door! Oh what a trip she is. Momma I know exactly what you are dealing with. Amelia was a sneak pooper (only at naptime or nighttime). But a couple of weeks ago I bought a kitchen timer and set it every 30-45 minutes and boy did she love running to the potty when the buzzer went off. Then one day, out of the blue, she pooped in the potty. No pressure from me, I won’t even in there with her. It just happened. You could try the timer thing, it at least would work for the pee, kids love to do things for a buzzer.
What’s that saying? You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force a kid to poop?
Give up the fight. You won’t win. And with the resignation of control comes the release of poop.
Right now it’s more important for her to eliminate rather than where she eliminates. A kid that learns to hold in her poop is no fun… I won’t go into the medical problems, but I speak from experience.
I had a day almost exactly like that one. I screamed something about not buying any more damn diapers! Nothing like potty training to make you feel like the worst mother ever. Except you’re not!
A sticker chart helped – I’m not afraid to admit I bribed him with ninja turtles.
Oh GOD… I remember those days all too well. Shecky was doing amazingly with his potty training until he POOPED for the first time…. he thought his… ummm… wanker had fallen off. He was MORTIFIED and freaked the eff out! No more potty for him for a LOOONG while after that… sigh
Ange is right…just saying. You don’t want to travel the road that I did with my daughter and poop-holding. Let’s just say that you wouldn’t think a little girl could poop out a baseball (and imagine the pain!) but when they hold it for so long, that’s what happens!
She’s young yet. Don’t stress yourself out about potty training. It’s not worth it.
It’s her thing.
But if you choose to make it yours, I wish you luck!
I had a similar day yesterday — I found myself screaming at the very top of my lungs that I refused to have a screaming conversation through the house! Smart huh?
I told you before, I’m familiar with that stubborn streak. Only you will know if it is the right choice, but I did have to spend 24 hours insisting (sometimes physically) that he sit on the potty intermittently. It was not pretty. After that, we reached middle ground and it became a joint effort. Then he was trained in 3-4 days. Even for poop, although he did worry a little bit for a few more days about that one.
Have faith that you WILL find what works. And it will happen, eventually.
Thinking of you! Wish I could send keys for the poop door.
UPDATE: the kid just peed and pooped on the floor while I was upstairs for a minute. I told her I was sad and frustrated and made her help me clean it up.
She didn’t like the fact that it was on the floor. I could tell she was embarrassed. Let’s just say I’m using that to my advantage.
Her response to the mess on the floor?
“NOW I understand, Mom!”
She won’t walk down the aisle in a diaper. It will happen, tears be damned.
Oh jeez. Sending big hugs. She’ll get there. Even if she was *this close* before remember that its like starting all over again. It took two weeks of accidents before we got the poop thing worked out but when we did, we’ve been rocking that potty ever since.
Don’t beat yourself up about losing your cool. It happens. She knows you love her. (and print this out so you can embarass her with poop door stories when she is 15. Then we’ll see who is crying!)
Hang in there, it will be hard for a few days, but it will be worth it in the long run . . . and the poop door is wide, wide open (that phrase just makes me laugh, sorry!).
Maybe cleaning it up was just the kind of motivation she needed!
Oh honey, I am so sorry
Noise flat REFUSED to poop on the potty– and ended up impacted. Nothing motivates a child like seeing that if he doesn’t pass it, Mommy’s coming in after it.
GROSS.
I potty train 16 kids at the same time… it’s no picnic, but at the school, they’re used to obeying commands from teachers, where they might not obey the commands of their parents. So they go when they’re told. Maybe try telling her teachers at her preschool that she’s started potty training. Send about 4 pairs of panties, and 4 changes of clothes to start with. She’ll get into the routine at school (especially because plenty of other kids will be doing it), which will help her at home.
Potty training my middle child was the most frustrating experience. She closed the door, too, resulting in constipation and great potty fear. We had to back right off, let her wear a diaper and just keep the potty around, encouraging her to use it often. AFter a few weeks she decided on her own to use it and never looked back.
Sending you strength and patience from the potty trenches.
Oh, dearie – for one thing, I can’t help but giggle at the “poop door” line. That’s hilarious.
But you’ve got a gift, there, in that girl – she’s bright and articulate, and c’mon, “NOW I understand”!? She will catch on and never look back. Soon enough. And when she wins her Pulitzer or Nobel or Olympic Gold or what-have-you, you can show her this post and cackle that you’re just glad she put her brains & stubbornness to work for GOOD and not evil.
My oldest was EXACTLY the same way. We went through the same on again off again training, the same fights and the same yelling (by me). I feel your pain.
A star chart was what finally worked for us. She lost stars for accidents (only happened once) and after about a week she earned a new toy and that was it.
Holding the poop door closed is no good. We had one like that and she ended up pretty ill.
What we did, on the suggestion of our pediatrician, was to keep diapers in the bathroom for pooping. So, the Poo wears underwear and pees in the potty, but when ready to poop she goes to the bathroom where you agree to put a diaper on for her. She does her business in the bathroom — but in a diaper. We had to do this for my daughter for MONTHS. MONTHS after she was wearing underwear full time. There are many powers a parent has, but evidently they get to control their poop doors.
Wow, Jennifer (Faking It), that is brilliant.
I’m sure you will get all kinds of advice and sympathy. I’ve successfully potty trained two kids, but still have no advice. Every kid is so different. But here’s your sympathy: Potty training is LAME. I’m keeping my third in diapers forever.
Oh she DOES have a stubborn streak. Mighty mighty.
I doubt it helps but my little Miss Stubborn is now a dream student with no diaper in sight. Thank God.
I swear it will come to pass. That door’s gotta be open for business sometime.
Until then, you are in my thoughts. I remember those days CLEARLY.
Oh, my friend, I totally feel your pain on this one. Keep breathing. Do you remember this one from long ago?
http://doubledutydiary.blogspot.com/2005/09/how-i-spent-my-summer-vacation_21.html
I have total confidence you’ll be all squared away before the new baby arrives, which will be a huge help.
I can imagine your frustration, and I will be introduced to this stage soon enough. I did laugh at the opening and shutting of the poop door, I’m sorry.
What the others have said sounds like sound advice and commiseration to me, and I have every ounce of faith that they’re right.
Potty training is the WORST!! Seriously, it sucks! I had a terrible time with both my kids (much on my blog about this). No answers from me although I tried every trick from leaving them alone to bribing and yelling. Better that she pooped on the floor instead of holding it in, though!!
btw – I absolutely hate when people say, “they won’t graduate in a diaper” Um, ok, but what about all the days, months, years in between of stress and frustration. Please!! That is no advice or consolation!!
i live in fear, you know, of all that is ahead in this regard…poop doors and impactions and battles and mostly just the feelings you’ve done such a beautifully, brutally honest job of laying out here.
i’m sorry this is going so rough, and have zilch to offer except a very genuine wish for, erm, open doors.
I also live in fear of the whole freaking ordeal. I’m even more confounded when I consider the communication barriers I’ll be facing with E-boy. When people tell me their kid potty-trained themselves I just want to smack them.
ah, the poop door. my son has gotten so good at closing the poop door that we have to put “poo-poo powder” in his juice a couple of times a week (miralax). Vicious cycle that poop door.
Sounds like seeing it on the floor was what she might have needed…not you, of course.
Everytime I hear “Mommy, I’m wet” I cringe and want to cry and run screaming from the house. And that’s WITH the diapers on. All that to say…I feel you. And you’re not the only one to call your kid a baby and scream about the diapers.
Oh, hon, we are right there with you. The poop door occasionally opens with the secret password but the pee door is firmly shut and locked.
What is it with Chambana kids and poop?
Jennifer (faking it)- gave you a suggestion I second. You have to take the pressure off of you as much as the tyke.
Lucy took forever. I thought she might actually go off to college in diapers. And- she used to just poop in her damn underwear wherever and whenever. Not once, not twice, OFTEN.
Mrs. C- what is it with these kids- they can call up this thing in us-
(maybe she resents your calling her Poo
I *HEART* your blog in a HUGE way, mama! Now more than ever. The hubby and I were just commiserating about how the Little Imp REFUSES, utterly and totally REFUSES to use the loo, at all. ANd we’ve tried it all….bribes, tears, shouts, everything. I have almost given up. But she’s not even two and a half yet and I won’t TOTALLY throw in the towel and start buying her depends until she’s three….*lol*
At least I know I am not alone.
Still though…there are days when I think the Little Imp is going to be the only kiddo who is still breastfeeding (another battle for another day)and in diapers when I send her off to kindergarten!
Great post.
Isn’t it amazing how they can close up their poop-shoots like that? There is NO way I could ever do that. And as for my husband? HAHA! He can’t keep it closed for more than a few hours!
That poop door is a hard one to open….
The first time Annika finally pooped, she bawled. It overwhelmed me to think that something so simple could be so scary for a little girl.
I’m so glad everyone has been encouraging. I’ve been blessed with 2 easy potty trainers, and 1 not-so-easy. But hers was more of the I’m-going-to-pee-on-the-floor-to-spite-you kind.
I bet it will only take a few times of actually pooping in the potty and she’ll be an old pro.
Hang in there!
Willing someone else’s poop door open is no easy task. My daughter started peeing on the potty right after she turned 3, but refused to use the potty for pooping until she was almost 4. Like Jennifer (faking it) said, we kept pull ups in the bathroom and she’d have to go in there to put one on to poop. Then one day we just didn’t refill the pull up basket right away and she sat on the potty and did it on her own.
Good luck and don’t stress. She WILL get there eventually.
We’re having our own potty wars here, only ours involves a 3.5 year old who says, “I want my diapers, mommy! I don’t want to be a big girl!” Hoo-boy.
I can understand the anger and the meltdown. I’ve been on the verge of that, too.
My first son was 3 and a half and I finally gave up every method of potty training, then one day heard him walk down the hall to the bathroom & go all by himself. He just didn’t want any pressure.
My second son wasn’t interested, but then when he was 2 and a half we had a perfect opening. He was crying because it hurt when he pooped, so I talked to him about how much better it feels when you poop on the potty. I also mentioned how nice it was not to have poop smushed & smeared all over your bottom. He tried it, and realized it was better on the potty – but for many months he only pooped on the potty. It took his preschool teacher urging me to let go of the pull-ups and let him wear big boy underwear to school. He had a few accidents, but that really did the trick. (Actually, I was pregnant & his teacher said “we’ve got to get him potty trained before you have that baby!” And we did, although there was a slight increase in accidents after the baby came.)
Now my baby girl is only 1, and I’m wondering how her potty training is going to unfold in a year or so. They really are all so unique.
Good luck with the Poo!
I’ve read you for a long time. Rarely do I ever comment on someone’s blog when I disagree with them, but this time, seeing as how I am in the exact situation as you, I have to say that…..you are probably going about it all wrong.
Jace was 3 in November. He talks way better than his peers, he is way smaller than his peers and says that he will wear a pull-up even when he is big as daddy. He changes his own pull-ups unless their is poop involved. I’d make him change those too but then I’d have to clean up the mess.
If you don’t remember, I own a daycare too. I try to go about this with my own son like I would if he was someone else’s child. And, last June I did have one of those kids in my center. He wouldn’t even take off his shoes during nap, there was no way in hell he was going to the potty. By late August, he was completely trained.
So, I have to say that you may have to back off and simply wait on the little cherub to want to do it herself.
Not that you asked for my advice and like I said, I don’t like to comment on folks blogs when I disagree with them, but I feel like I’ve read you and commented enough that you know I don’t have ill intentions. I apologize already if I am out of place.
Oh that poop door comment…woot!
Anyway, I went through the same thing with my youngest, who absolutely would not evacuate anything out that door into anything other than a diaper. I did exactly what you did. I forced him. And he screamed. And withheld. And eventually shot forth a dried up little husk of a poop because he’d held it so long it had every ounce of moisture removed from it.
He survived. Yours will too.
The poop door. That is classic.
Potty training is tedious, isn’t it? I mean, frustrating, pull your hair out kind of tedious.
Just one other thing to put on the list of “Nobody Told Me About THIS”.
ah yes. now i see where “anal retentive” comes from.
and seriously sister…hang in there.
It will happen.
Oh… And the only way I got my nearly four year old boy trained? Left for vacation. My mom asked if I would mind if she tried? MIND? Hell no, I’ll pay you!
Sure enough, four days later we came home and he was in underwear.
Good luck. It will happen – sooner or later!
The poop door is closed, I had to laugh at the things kids say. Then the update with the accident, sorry I was laughing. I have been through this 3 times and it never got any easier. You will laugh about this in the future, maybe in front of her boyfriend at 16, get her back.
Don’t worry about the blow up, you handled it well. She loves you and knows you love her and she is young, she will forget about it. We all blow from time to time.
You are never supposed to yell at your kids about potty training. I, for one, always kept my cool and never once gave him guilt for being willful about potty training.
(Laughs out loud while trying to write this with a straight face.)
Seriously, sister, we ALL lose our cool during potty training, no matter what we are supposed to do.
Looks at how many comments this post got!? Crikey.