From the monthly archives:

May 2008

Code For “You are so FAT!”

May 30, 2008

Just a note to you all out there who encounter a large pregnant woman in the hot dog aisle of the grocery store
Do NOT tell her, “You look great!”
She knows that is code for, “Holy shit, lady, should you really be waddling down the hot dog aisle? Because you are fucking HUGE!”
Seriously. Never in my [...]

Read the full article →

Forcible Eviction

May 28, 2008

I started reading Sam about a year ago, and I’ve been waiting anxiously for her to pop that kid she’s carrying, if for no other reason than she’s been stingy about letting us know what flavor she’s getting.
I can’t stand suspense.
I can imagine that Sam has had just about enough suspense herself, considering that she [...]

Read the full article →

My Papier-Mache Heart

May 27, 2008

She’s fine, now.
She’s going to be fine.
I didn’t know that 24 hours ago.
***
Her fever broke in the car, at 5:45 a.m., a half-hour after I woke her father with a frantic whisper.
The small girl in the pink nightie printed with ballerina slippers chattered away, innocent of the knowledge that we headed were toward the hospital.
“Look, [...]

Read the full article →

Wordless Wednesday: Just Two Years Ago

May 21, 2008

Amazing. Where does the time go?
See more Wordless Wednesday photos here.
***
I’m looking for experienced moms to quote in my latest column. Anyone been on a road trip while enormously pregnant? Email me!

Read the full article →

Diagnosis: Homesick

May 20, 2008

Most of you know that I flunked my three-hour glucose test – and rather spectacularly, to quote the midwife – and the likely scenario is insulin for the remainder of my last trimester.
It makes sense – I had a mild case with The Poo, and I’ve felt so very, very crappy this time. I just [...]

Read the full article →

Like A PAP Smear? Oh HELLZ no!

May 19, 2008

Today I had the fine pleasure of having a camera stuffed up my urethra.
This, after I waited for the doctor for more than an hour and 45 minutes. Because, you know, he is a very busy man.
And we all know that a doctor, and especially one with a penis, is far, far busier than any [...]

Read the full article →

Conspicuous Consumerism

May 17, 2008

This is a pile of bags, bags filled with clothing and bedding. These bags, every last one of them, came out of my basement today. They will be prepared for sale over the next few days.
I’ve already gone through several of them, and let me tell you, the age of 6-9 months was a very [...]

Read the full article →

Friday Haiku: Three-Hour Glucose Test

May 16, 2008

I am so hungry
No food for me this morning
Now they take my blood
***
To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:
1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.
2. Sign the Mister Linky below or at [...]

Read the full article →

And Then She Grounded Me

May 15, 2008

The Poo had a rough day yesterday. First we went to what I called (on the sneaky recommendation of my sister) “food school,” and then we went to the mall for lunch.
Sounds not so bad, right?
Well, at “food school” the therapist made her lick a cube of cheese (the horror!) and smell a strawberry. Then [...]

Read the full article →

Pregnancy By The Numbers

May 13, 2008

Pillows to sleep with: 4
Daily ounces of water: 64
Nocturnal trips to bathroom: 6
Waking up on my back and turning on my left side: 20
Cups of coffee per day: 2
Size of new underwear: 8
Size of new maternity shorts: 12
Illnesses: too many
Days since conception: 186
Tears shed: countless
Siblings: 1
Days left to go: 94

Read the full article →

← Previous Entries