While this is by no means a difficult pregnancy, it has been harder on me than the first.
When I got pregnant with The Poo I had two parents, I weighed a slender 130 pounds, and I was 32 years old. Over the course of those 40 weeks, I lost my father to cancer, gained 31 pounds and turned 33. Still, through it all, I felt deeply emotionally connected to the baby in my womb.
I also felt energetic and spry, once the nausea passed. It was a remarkably easy pregnancy, and I expected nothing different this time around.
But those extra three years and 15 pounds make a difference. So does the fact that I now have a three-year-old to wrangle, not to mention potty train.
Oy, the potty training! We made it, but by the skin of our teeth.
Some days I wake up more exhausted than when I went to sleep. Some days I throw up when I’m brushing my teeth. Some days I forget there is a boy growing inside me and I feel completely disconnected from the child who will take up his rightful place in our family come August.
Some days I think, “oh my God, this was a horrible idea!” and cross my legs in the hopes that I can keep Shaggy locked up tight in there forever.
Please don’t mistake me – I know there are women out there suffering from unimaginable loss and trauma, those who struggle to keep their babies in their wombs. I remember them daily, and sometimes my face burns from the shame of my own petty problems.
But then there are days like today, when a list of mothers and women too long to enumerate come forward and offer up their blessings and advice. Today, I feel less overwhelmed by the idea of a new child, and more overwhelmed with the sheer love that all of you feel for your own little ones.
I thank you all* for reminding me so eloquently just why I wanted to do this again in the first place.
motherbumper
Mommas Tantrum
Where there’s a Willer
Impostor Mom
ScientistMother
Table4Five
Poot and Cubby
Sarah and the Goon Squad
Mom-101
mothergoosemouse
formula fed & flexible parenting
Mayberry Mom
nomotherearth
Sassy Irish Lassie
Oscarelli
Whirlwind
Nonlinear Girl
Life On the Run
Mama Tulip
The Gav Menagerie
Perpetual Exhaustion
moosh in indy
Cynical Dad
Life of Pie
ittybits & pieces
Phoenix Says…
From Stage Dives to Station Wagons
Mo-Wo and P-Man
Lady M
Assertagirl
Don’t Gel Too Soon
Fairly Odd Mother
Oh.My.Gawd.Really.
Mamalooper
Plain Jane Mom
misc & co.
MOMMY 4-1-1
Urban Mummy
temporarily me
HONEA EXPRESS
The Dana Files
Oh, The Joys
Cheese Party
Cheaper Than Therapy
Something Baby Blue
Working Momma 247
*If I missed anyone, please let me know. This is the list as of 5 p.m. Sunday evening.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
One I didn’t comment on before… but I can tell you something. I went from one to two in August 2006. When I brought Ella home I was totally overwhelmed.
Like you I was heavier the second time around and Rowan was on 22 months when Ella arrived. I had lots of tears when Rowan was born. I wasn’t depressed but I did wonder at times whether I was heading that way.
With Ella I gt her home from the hospital and the dreaded witching hour arrived. About 9pm when you’re so tired, your body aches and you have this new baby keeping you from bed. I cried and turned to BN and said ‘what have we done? This is such a mistake’.
It lasted about 10 minutes and then she cried for me. I wrapped her up next to me and melted into her. I felt like that for ten minutes a day for about 4 days and then just gt on with it. Rowan made all the difference. Her love and interest and her needs kept me going on days when I really didn’t feel like it.
Marathon comment sorry. I dread saying ‘it was easy’ cos it has felt like that looking back but I do know we struggled. With sleep, with two.. with weight… with lots of things. But ultimately, knowing you as I have come to know you… I know you’ll be just fine. You’re a mother at heart and your love is all they need.
[That and a boob!]
I waited nine whole months to want the baby in my belly and felt such shame at the dread I felt instead. If I look back now, I would say to myself: “Trust.” I panicked over my own fear, anxiety and depression. An easy thing to do. But it was my turmoil, not his. And the more I accepted where I was, the more I wrote about it and talked about it….the more it started to melt away. And I began to forgive myself. Now it’s as if it never existed. And quite possibly it gave me an even stronger connection to my son. It is a brave journey and I give myself credit for it even though others breeze through it and look at me with a raised eyebrow.
That’s right baby, we’ve all got your sore back and overgrown uterus.
xoxo
Honey, I’ve been feeling disconnected this entire pregnancy. I have what? 15 days remaining and still feel disconnected. Some days I’d love nothing more then to cross my legs and hold this baby in there forever because I wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into.
I look at Carter and feel so sad that I’ve taken away his alone time with Mommy and Daddy and brought another child into the world, forcing him to have to share us.
Sounds a little irrational, but it’s true. I just pray that when this baby comes I feel the same love for it as I do for Carter.
(Geez, ramble on much?1 LOL)
Dang, Sam, your words describe exactly how I felt during my second pregnancy. I continued to feel somewhat disconnected even during my recovery time in the hospital, and mourned the changes we were forcing on my son.
Guess what? You won’t love baby #2 the same; you’ll love him/her completely differently. And guess what again? Love begets more love, and you do have plenty for everybody.
Hang in, ladies; it really will get better as you allow yourself to morph into each next phase.
I know what you mean, Sam.. I thought we had Ella too early and forced Rowan to share us and it was unfair etc etc. but then I look at them now and they’re fighting about who wants to cuddle each other more!
They are total soul mate sisters for which I am very grateful! And perhaps all facilitated by the fact they are so close in age..?
Seeing as how I just started out with my first, I didn’t have any words of wisdom to contribute this weekend.
That doesn’t mean though, that I don’t think of you daily, and that I’m not as excited as I can be for you.
I’m sorry it’s been a tough pregnancy. Not much longer now, and can I just say that I LOVE having a little boy? I know you will too.
Oy, the tired. I was exhausted during the second pregnancy. Carry the first kid around. Getting weird infections that made walking insanely painful. Not being able to nap. And the disconnect? I think everyone feels that way. You’re too busy to be all obsessive about when the baby’s eyes are forming, etc. I think the second pregnancy felt even more surreal than the first.
Once he comes out though? He’s gonna be awesome. And you’re totally going to rock this second child thing as mothering is old hat to you.
I swear it. And I’m so happy you got some pleasure out of your baby shower. It was fun to participate.
I just wanted to let you know that I experienced the EXACT same experience and feelings while pregnant with number two. I was only two years older than I was the first time around and the exact same weight, but nonetheless the pregnancy was so much harder physically. I was sicker, more exhuasted, and the experience was just rougher on my body.
Like you I also felt an disconnect to the baby growing inside me which was so different from the first time around. I worried we had made a mistake, that I couldn’t handle two, that I would forever alter my first boys life in a negative way.
And now here I stand two weeks after giving birth to number two and as much as I doubted it, I’m completely connnected to him and my heart has completely expanded to envelop him.
Unlike the neurotic wreck I was in the early weeks with my first, I’m so much more relaxed and at ease with number two. Sure, I’m exhausted juggling two. Sure, sometimes I feel like I’m shortchanging one child while attending to the other. But all and all I know our family is just as it should be.
It will all fall into place at the right time, until then, cut yourself a break and enjoy the Poo.
I’m just in awe that so many of you strong women have what it takes to shoulder more than one child to begin with. I knew after he was born that he would be the only and I’ve never wavered in that conviction for a minute!
I had the reverse experience, I have to say–tired and unwell-feeling with the first, and an “easy” pregnancy and birth with #2. I think you almost HAVE to feel tired out and overwhelmed at some point when your preggers–it’s preparation for the real thing!
I’ve just got the one child, but good luck , none the less.
Oh gosh, let me just say as a Mom 20 weeks along with my 4th child, I so get you and share your pain…
Steph
Here is my “new mom of two advice”. You have a husband, don’t be afraid to use him . We decided to “split the kids” after I had the baby. That allowed me to bond with the baby while my older son gets more “daddy time”. My husband gets him up, fed, dressed and out to school without waking me up most days. I do laundry for myself and the baby. He does the laundry for himself and the kid. After you feel up to it, demand and take an hour to yourself each day to workout, if you are anything like me (and you are) it will improve your disposition immensely. I’m sure the Poo would love to spend more time with her dad and after you get out of Zombie mode, you leave the baby with the husband and do special “mommy and the poo” time.
That’s all I got for you. Hopefully after my Urbana move, we will meet up.
I know, I know, I know. I remember this feeling exactly prior to Ella’s birth. She’ll be one of Friday and having two is so great, I can’t even tell you.
Well, mostly great.
you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of.
siblings. it really is amazing. and it’s totally worth going through all the not-so-fun parts
I also felt completely disconnected to my son during my second pregnancy and it continued through the first couple of months. It was hard, but now that I have two beautiful and wonderful children, it’s a feeling I can hardly believe I ever felt. Good luck to you, it will be great.
As the oldest of three daughters it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t have a daughter. And when it turned out that I would become the mother of three sons (and that I would love it more than i could ever express)…well…life’s little ironies do have a way of giving one pause. Because my boys don’t try to compete with me, they’re able to love me for who and what I am. The stubbornness is there, but it lacks the passive-aggression that comes with female-to-female confrontations. Sure, I missed getting to pick out the wedding dress and all that other stuff, but the relationships that I have with my sons trumps that other stuff. You’re going to love having a little boy!
Can’t wait to see the pictures of your new bundle of joy.
Best of luck that all goes smoothly. (You, know, with the delivery and all that fun stuff. Heh.) Congratulations, again!
You’re welcome and good luck! My husband and I share the kid duty – we have two grown sons, so they look after themselves, uh, mostly..lol. Anyway, with our two younger kids, we each get one ready for bed, etc so it’s less pressure, we can get more accomplished and less hassles all the way around. So don’t be afraid to get help from “daddy,” that’s what he’s there for! Team work – make the most of it.
Not that this helps much, but we’re experiencing the same stuff, too, now that my wife is pregnant with #2. (I’m getting it only vicariously, of course, which I’m sure isn’t as bad.) I’m already a barrel of monkey nerves about being a parent of 2, and we’ve still got 6 months to go!
I think you are my pregnancy doppelganger – I know EXACTLY how you feel. And, yes, that extra 15 really makes a difference the second time around. (If it makes you feel any better, I found the weight loss much easier this time around…)
I’m jealous of the potty training success. Number three laughs at my successes with #1 & #2 and he says, “HA! I will give you a run for your money lady!”
Don’t cross your legs. It’d be much worse to give birth to a 15 year old. Hang in there.
You know being one of those moms who went through a hell of a lot to have a baby I hated being pregnant. I was a nervous wreck, and didn’t enjoy a single minute. So even though I was OVERJOYED that I finally got to bring a baby home, it wasn’t exactly a “rainbows and sausages” kind of pregnancy. More of a “FreddyKruger” type of get this kid out now thing.
I felt the same way you describe. Once you see that sweet smelling baby head once again, it’ll all fall into place. It does. It will. And you are not alone.
Pregnancy is hard! Venting about it nothing to be ashamed of.
I am so out of it I didn’t even know about this virtual baby shower. You know I would’ve participated!