Today I had the fine pleasure of having a camera stuffed up my urethra.
This, after I waited for the doctor for more than an hour and 45 minutes. Because, you know, he is a very busy man.
And we all know that a doctor, and especially one with a penis, is far, far busier than any old stay-at-home mom who can probably just drop in to the office any time. So what’s the big deal?
Oh, was I fuming.
I arrived this afternoon for an ultrasound of my kidneys (all clear there, just some pregnancy-related swelling) at 2 p.m., and then went on to the urologist’s office, where I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, about an hour in, I went to the window and asked when, exactly, the doctor would be available. I was dismissed with the patented doctor’s-office-manager sneer and the remark that he “had an emergency this morning.”
As if my asking to be seen when I arranged to be seen was somehow an affront to the poor person who had the nerve to have an emergency today.
About 15 minutes later Ms. Nasty Receptionist In Ugly Scrubs approached me and let me know it would be at least another 30 minutes.
“Wait a minute,” I said, putting down the year-old Newsweek I was reading. “Last time, I waited an hour and 15 minutes. I waited three weeks for this appointment. I agreed two weeks ago to switch the time because he needed to schedule a surgery.”
Ms. Nasty Receptionist looked aghast.
“He’s very busy!” she huffed.
“Well, lady, so am I,” I said, none too quietly. “I am a mother with a three-year-old and I am a writer. I’m very busy and this is WASTING MY TIME.”
“You can come back tomorrow at 8:30 AM if you want to,” the woman said.
“No, no I cannot. I do not have CHILD CARE. What I WANT is to be SEEN at the TIME when I ARRANGED TO BE SEEN!”
Other patients were looking now, eying me with a mixture of fear and admiration. I turned my scowl on them as the receptionist walked away.
Finally, the nurse called me and whisked me into a procedure room. “Take off everything from the waist down and cover up with this.”
She handed me a napkin cloth.
“And how long will I sit in here naked?” I asked her, still furious and now hungry, having missed my mid-afternoon Giant Diabetic Lady snack.
“Uh…” the nurse looked around.
“Never mind,” I sighed.
Finally Dr. Very Busy Man made his appearance and proceeded to tell me that getting a camera jammed into your bladder is just like getting a PAP smear.
“And how would YOU know?” I asked. “When was the last PAP smear YOU had?”
Oh yes, yes, I did.
He wisely chose to ignore me and asked me to scoot down. You ladies know what I mean. Oh, the scooting. The scooting and the stirrups and the TOTAL LACK OF DIGNITY that is being female.
Thus began the torture.
This was like no PAP smear I’ve ever had. Well, it would have been, if having a PAP smear felt like having A HOSE MADE OF FLAMING BARBED WIRE jammed in your padoodledoo.
Oh my good glory did that hurt.
And hurt.
And hurt.
Imagine the worst UTI you’ve ever had and multiply it by, oh, one million.
Yeah.
Finally I was released from the torture chamber and was allowed to make my way home with a clean bill of health. Whereby I had to drive five miles home feeling like I was in danger of peeing my pants the entire time.
Of course, I got behind one of Chambana’s finest drivers, who pride themselves on driving five miles UNDER the speed limit. I’m not kidding - there was something in the newspaper about it. Seriously.
Then I was stuck behind a bus.
A bus that stopped.
Often.
So what’s the moral of this story? If you have blood in your urine for four months running and your OB tells you that sometimes “that just happens when you’re pregnant?”
Take their advice - you do not need to see the urologist.
And?
NOT LIKE A PAP SMEAR. OH NO, NOT AT ALL.
May 19th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Ouch. No, ouch!
No, OUCH!
May 19th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!!!!!!
I would think an accident where your foot “slipped” off the stirrup and smacked him in the head would have been warranted….
May 19th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Hell. your experience makes the vaginal ultrasound I had seem like sunshine, rainbows, and soft billowy clouds.
Um… was that a Champaign-Urbana reference I smelt mid-post?
May 19th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
um. … is “I love you for this” inappropriate? Because this is just perfect. Your like the Norma Rae of the waiting room.
May 19th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Oh, that is horrible!! Like a pap smear? Damn him.
I am applauding you for sticking up for yourself and moms, who are always treated like they have nothing better to do than wait around for more important people.
May 19th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
That’s awful, but from great pain comes great beauty, because this was AWESOME.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch! A plain old catheter is bad enough. I love that you said what needed to be said.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Padoodledo? Tee hee!
May 19th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Oh, I’m sorry. That’s awful. And yet the post? Fantastic! I wish there was YouTube video of you losing your shit in the waiting room. I’d watch it daily. Or more.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
If I had been in that waiting room, I would have stood and applauded you, woman. I always think of the right thing to say just after the moment has passed. You’re awesome. And HE is not worthy of your urethra!
May 19th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I’m cringing with sympathy. How he came up with that analogy is beyond me…
Please take care, poor Mrs. Chicken. And good for you for saying what we all want to say, when we are left waiting.
May 19th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Ouch.
Love that you had the nerve to speak your mind - I am sure you said what everyone else in that room was thinking.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Because I have so many friends who are doctors, I find myself blaming the insurance industry with the reimbursement scales that force doctors to stack appointments all day long.
I do have to say that I would prefer to never have that procedure done. Just for the record.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
I shouldn’t laugh. I’m not laughing. I’m not. This is terrible. It is. It really is.
I feel sorry for Mrs. Dr. Busy. Clearly he doesn’t know a thing about girly bits, and their sensitivity. I hope she has a lover. I think she needs a lover.
You girl, you need nice big glass of cold water with a little twist of lemon.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
This is one of those times when “share my pain” is all too literal.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:09 am
This is something to remind the child about on those days when they are driving you crazy. “Do you know what Mommy did for you before you were even BORN?! Sit down and let me tell you…”
May 20th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Ouch…how did you get through it? Was that really necessary?
I would have complained after 30 mins. They should have told you when you checked in that the wait was long and offered to reschedule you. Complain, complain, complain…maybe they will give you the visit for free (ha, ha).
May 20th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Oh, my. Hope you’re feeling better now.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:42 am
OW, Ow, OWWWW! I hate when doctors think their time is more precious than ours! We should be able to deduct money from our bills for every second they are late!
May 20th, 2008 at 8:09 am
makes you wonder if “had an emergency” is an excuse for “double booked appointments and can’t manage the office well”
May 20th, 2008 at 8:09 am
hope you are feeling better now!
May 20th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Crappy doctor! I love that he tried to tell you how it’d feel!
I just had a hysto-sonogram and let me tell you, when they called it an ‘ultrasound’ as I scheduled it, they were W-R-O-N-G. I had to fight back the whimpering.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:48 am
How rude of him! Good for you for sticking up for yourself!
May 20th, 2008 at 9:34 am
You are my idol. Screw the Davids, Mrs. C is my American Mom Idol!!!!!!!
May 20th, 2008 at 10:39 am
“And how would YOU know?” I asked. “When was the last PAP smear YOU had?”
i LOVE that you said this to him!! seriously i would have loved to see the look on his face.
if only you could have asked him to lie down on that table…
hope today both you and your padoodledoo are feeling better!
May 20th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Ow. Sorry sorry sorry! That sounds just horrible. Did you mention to him that, not that he would know but, it’s not like a pap smear and telling women that is beyond misleading?
Sorry! (Glad all is well)
May 20th, 2008 at 10:48 am
NO! Agh… Is there some reason why they can’t give you something for that? Sigh… I hope you feel a lot better today.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:00 am
You have my deepest sympathies. You really do. The fact that I’m laughing right now has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t sympathise.
But “padoodledoo” has to be the BEST euphamism I have EVER heard…
Hence the giggling.
Hope you feel better. *Hugs*
May 20th, 2008 at 11:19 am
ouch. is it bad that i’m clutching my nethers in sympathy for you?
May 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I am so sorry for the laughing! When was you last pap smear? OMG, I wish I could come up with these kind of things when I need them. Though when asked how much pain I was in during labor, I asked the doctor if I could kick him in the crotch to show him.
So sorry you had to go through it, glad it came back fine.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Brutal. That sounds just brutal.
Except for the padoodledoo part. That was just funny.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Oh that is infuriating! My blood pressure is raising just reading this. You are my hero for asking him when his last pap was. My HERO.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Mrs. C, I love you until the end of time for saying this to him.
Oh yes, yes I do. You are my hero.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
YOu are my hero!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I could be like that - I only am inside and then I say ‘another 4hours? No of course that’s no problem’ and smile sweetly and walk away muttering…
I nearly peed myself a little from the laughing… does that count as solidarity?!
May 20th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
[...] blog post: Like A PAP Smear? Oh HELLZ no! http://www.mychickencheese.com/?p=338 19 hrs [...]
May 20th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Oh my… I rage with you.
Thank goddess, you said the things that needed to be said.
You poor dear… you need comforting.
May 21st, 2008 at 12:24 am
1) I love you…I hate the God complex so many doctors have. Even my doctor sister gets irritated by it.
2) Oh honey, after ALL of that…getting stuck behind a Chambana driver?
3) Good thoughts coming your way from Hell Eh.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:36 am
Oh dear LOOOORD. Armageddon befell your daredevil mouth but started in your poor unsuspecting urethra. I LOOOOOVE that you spoke up. Good for you, you hot smart mouthy thing. Beautiful.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:57 am
I misread one line of that post and thought it said “And then I was STRUCK by a bus.” And I was going to tell you never to leave the house again. After you got out of that cast.
May 21st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
You go! I cannot tell you how many doctor’s offices I’ve sat in for endless periods of time because the doctor “had an emergency.” I’m calling bullsh-t on this one. He’s probably back there eating donuts with some stupid pharma rep.
I’m dying that you asked him when his las pap smear was. God, that is classic.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Oh, I had this same procedure last summer. I also had a ridiculous amount of wait time before being seen by the doctor. What is it with urologists? That test was one heck of a painful test. You are right, it is nothing like a pap smear. UGH!
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
OMG, that might just be the worst doctor visit ever. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that, just to be told it was nothing.
May 23rd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Oh how I DESPISE the urologist. They are total assholes.
What I don’t understand is that if you were late, they would have canceled your appt, but when they’re running behind, we’re supposed to just smile and be patient. GAH!
May 24th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I feel your pain, really. Only I feel even more. If a urologist ever utters the word stent to you, run, do not walk, the other way.
Getting that foot long tube of hell removed requires the same procedure you describe only add to that, the exodus of the tube. Then your entire ureter spasms for the remainder of the day.
I am glad you are ok. There is a least one nice and fairly on time urologist in Champoo-Banana, unless it is surgery day and you are waiting in the hospital. But what the hell, when you are there for a surgery you have to arrange for child care for your kids for the entire day anyway, so it is much less stressful. Except for the fact that you are having surgery to insert your “friend” the stent — my words not his.
Best of luck with the pregnancy.
May 29th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHH!!!
guhhhhh.