Over the years, I’ve had many female bosses. Some, like Carolina, were amazing.
Carolina ran the fledgling internet marketing division at the Huge Multinational Corporation I worked for. She was just a few years older than me, which put her somewhere around, oh, 31. She was 31 years old, and she had seven of us working for her.
She left the company about two years into my tenure with her, after making sure I got significant raises and recognition. She believed in me.
Sadly, and correctly, she didn’t believe in the company’s vision. She left and became a major bigwig at Whirlpool, offering me the chance to work for her any time I wanted.
Enter Susanne. Susanne, of the neck scarf and the seminar on doing your “colors.” Susanne who milked my status of daughter of a head honcho for all it was worth. Susanne, who repeatedly re-did work I’d slaved over for her.
Susanne, who told me that I would get farther in the company if only I would stop wearing casual pants and apply more make-up.
After Susanne came Denise, delightful Denise, The Earth Mother. A psychologist by trade, she spent her days with piles and piles of tiny, incomprehensible numbers. I’m not sure what they were thinking, transferring me to her. She was warm and witty and supportive of both my family obligations (dying father, fraying mother) and my burgeoning pregnancy.
It was Denise who agreed to let me telecommute two days a week, minimizing the number of hours The Poo would have to spend in someone else’s care.
After my father died, I was granted a respectful and generous bereavement leave. That’s what happens when your late father was one of the inner circle of high-ranking execs, not to mention a very beloved one. My boss’ boss, Peter, called and left me a message the day my dad died, less than an hour after it happened.
After two months, I went back to work.
I found Denise’s office cleaned out, and a new boss on the way.
A new male boss.
Things went on as they do, at these big companies. I finished my work in two hours and spent the rest of the week sneaking out for burritos and surfing the ‘net. Soon enough, it was time to deliver The Poo.
After my maternity leave, I went back to the office with the understanding that I would be working from home Thursday and Friday.
My new boss? The man?
He said no. Two months later, I quit.
That is just one of the many, many reasons that Andi’s post, The Illusion Of Choice, struck me.
Andi is the author of Poot and Cubby, and she is one of my favorite reads. She doesn’t post all the time, but each one is worth the wait. “The Illusion of Choice” was one such gem.
In it, Andi speaks about her return to work and how so many people use the word “choice” to describe her decision. How in reality, mothers working in the home, out of the home or just being home and raising children truly have no “choice.”
I wrote something last year that spoke to this matter, about how no matter what, I am always The Mommy. I never get to be Not The Mommy. No one asks my husband if he regrets going back to work. No one asks my husband why he quit his job to pursue his dream. No one asks my husband why there are no clean socks in the drawer.
Andi is so honest and so clear in her argument that no woman really has a choice that I added one more reason to the list of reasons why I love her so much.
Andi is my kind of feminist. The kind who realizes that the logic behind feminism is flawed.
My take on this particular -ism is that no matter what, we are always women. We cannot escape our gender. We will never be men, and frankly, I don’t want to be a man. I enjoy being a woman.
What I want is a real choice, a society that supports whatever decision I make, a society that does not cast judgment on the way I choose to parent, as long as my children are safe, healthy and thriving.
Like Andi’s kids are. Safe, thriving and healthy. While Andi is at work. While Andi is enjoying her work.
That is why I nominated Andi’s post, “The Illusion of Choice,” for a May Perfect Post Award. Go and read it, now. And let’s stop accusing each other of making bad choices, and band together instead.
Andi, bravo.
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Go here and here for more Perfect Posts.
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:53 am
I have had female bosses and they have all sucked don’t get me wrong I have had male bosses that sucked as well but a few of the males have ben great and respect me as a worker and a mom. With my current boss I couldn’t be happier
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Someone asked me over the weekend if I was happy with my “choice” to go back to work. I said, “what choice? I HAD to go back to work.” Sigh.
June 2nd, 2008 at 1:06 pm
That is a great post by Andi, though I was pretty sure Canadians didn’t have these sorts of problems. I thought Canada was practically perfect for parenting.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Brilliant choice…the line about there not being a “working dad” has stayed with me.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
It’s still a choice. You really think that there are no parents who choose to stay at home despite financial reasons to do otherwise? Now it tends to be easier to go back to work. The “in” choice now is to stay at home. I think that things are shifting in part because more younger people (now having kids) grew up with working parents. Just because you feel guilty about it doesn’t mean you don’t have a choice. Do what’s right for you, not what makes everyone else happy.
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Hi Jason,
I actually DID choose to stay home despite financial considerations, and that, too, was judged. I think women judge women more harshly than others might.
I left a very lucrative corporate gig to be the stay-home mom and part-time freelance writer wife of a full-time grad student. On paper, our income last year was $14,000.
So I hear you. But unless you’ve made the “choice” I’d be hard-pressed to agree with you on this one.
June 2nd, 2008 at 4:04 pm
In my experience, SAHPs (and yes, typically it’s the moms) tend to judge and feel themselves being judged a lot more than the working parents. I wish that parents could talk and learn from each other more openly. It’s unfortunate that you were unfairly judged for your own life decision.
Certainly I hope that people don’t look down on my wife and I because we work full time and pay for a good daycare for our kid. It was our choice, and it’s been (IMO) easier and more beneficial for our family. If there wasn’t a daycare of the same quality as the one she’s at, we wouldn’t have done it. If we had plenty of money and/or no debt, one of us would stay home… whichever one made less money.
SAHPs often complain about how they are “on duty” all the time, and how they deserve so much credit for what they do. I agree that they do work hard, but they also have the ability to be flexible, take part in all the daytime programs that we working parents can’t, etc.
My wife and I work all day AND come home and parent each night. We don’t get babysitters, we don’t have family in the area, so we don’t get any extra time off either.
I wish we had a free year of FMLA, like Andi (apparently from Canada?). I think more parents would feel more comfortable returning to work having had such a long time at home with their baby. As it is now, parents can stay home for a couple weeks, maybe a month or two if they’ve saved up some leave, and then it’s either back to work or quit. Some SAHPs are only at home because it is much more difficult to get back into the workplace after a year (or two, or seven) of being at home. My sister (now SAHM for 7 yrs.) is/was in that position.
June 2nd, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Oh Amy, I’m blushing. Thank you so much - these means so much coming from a writer I admire so much.
And I will add a couple things about the whole “Canada” thing, because yes, I am from there. We do get a year of paid (not full, but 55% which sure is better than nothing) leave. I definitely think it would have been incredibly difficult for me to go back after only a few weeks or months with my baby - after a year, I was ready.
Although I appreciate some of Jason’s points - I still think it’s difficult for most men to really understand the societal pressures that are placed on women in terms of parental obligation. Like I said in my post, if both parents are working, in most cases the assumption is that the mother is more responsible for the child’s care and domestic duties. And if both parents have equally high-paid jobs, and had the “choice” to stay at home, bets are it would be the mom doing the choosing.
In the workplace, mothers are often discriminated against, because it’s assumed they will be taking time off of work when children are sick, etc. I know I am lucky in that I have a fairly equitable relationship and a flexible workplace, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get tired of, as you say “always being mommy.” I’m sorry, but it’s just not the same for dads. It’s just not.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:05 am
My husband and I work both work in education. We have the same hours. We have the same vacations. And yet as you stated “No one asks my husband why there are no clean socks in the drawer.” No one asks my husband what is for dinner. No one asks my husband to juggle three kids’ after school activities, dr. appointments & social schedules. I am the one the feels this pressure. Is this something we could change? Absolutely, but it would take effort and me letting go and reorganizing the way both parents view their roles. And I think our roles are very much based on our role models and society.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
We are still settling into our decision (or rather - Wendy’s decision) for Wendy to stop work when the children arrived.
It’s been a huge adjustment for her, and it’s still going on. I guess it will never really become “normal” - although family life as we know it has.
We have already talked about her doing something part time - maybe bookkeeping (she’s a chartered accountant) - when the children are older.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
oh mrs c you really do know how to pick em!! this too is one of my all time favorite posts.
we are so very lucky to have andi in our world!!
June 4th, 2008 at 9:02 am
[...] thing that made my day on Monday, was receiving a Perfect Post Award from my bloggy friend, Mrs. Chicken for my Illusion of Choice post. Who knew it was possible for me to love her more? Thank you all [...]
June 4th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Thanks for leading us to Andi’s post, I probably would have missed it otherwise. And it is definately a hot topic to many of us.