Today we get to see our littlest baby.
My OB practice performs a 3D ultrasound at 28 weeks as a matter of course. I’m not sure why, because I know they are all the rage and more expensive, but whatever, we’re having one tomorrow.
At 1:45 p.m. all four of us - me, my mom, Mr. Chicken and The Poo - will crowd into the small, dark room to catch a glimpse of Shaggy’s wee face.
And in 10 weeks, I won’t be able to type because I’ll be holding him in my arms.
It seems like a trick of physics, some kind of strange bending of the rules of time. Ten weeks. So soon, and yet, so far away.
This pregnancy seemed so removed all these months. Like something theoretical. Sure, my belly grew and I generally feel like a pile of old cow dung, but we clicked along in our routines as if nothing was going to really come of it.
Now I’m at 29 weeks and change, and the first week of August will find me numb from the waist down while a woman I barely know slices my pubic area open and extracts a child.
With The Poo I was dreamy, when I had the space to be. My dad was dying, badly, and it was hard to find the time to be contemplative. But often I’d stare into space while my daughter gently fluttered in my womb, and I’d imagine her in her nursery or in my arms.
I had no idea what the reality would be like, but I felt connected to her in a way that I can’t explain.
I haven’t had that this time, and although so many of you shared your experiences with your second child and told me that is perfectly normal, I’ve harbored a lot of guilt.
My guilt isn’t only prompted by my son - I feel guilty because so many women dear to me are having problems or losing their babies. And me? My husband brushes against me in the hallway and I’m knocked up.
I wanted Shaggy, don’t mistake me. I want him very much. Unlike The Poo, his conception was a deliberate act. I just didn’t expect to have these feelings. Feelings of ambivalence, fear, and sadness that my bond with The Poo will change.
I know it will all be roses and sunshine when he’s here. I do, I know that. I know that his wee visage will bust my heart open into a gazillion pieces and that my love for The Poo will only increase tenfold when I see her holding her tiny little brother.
I know these things in my head. I’ve been waiting for my heart to catch up.
Last night we went to order furniture for the little guy’s nursery, and my mother generously offered to buy us a glider. We’re only getting him one other piece of furniture, and the glider is a luxury.
I sat in the floor model and chose the fabric, a soft, light brown microsuade.
I rocked back and forth and for a moment, and I held a sweet vision in my head.
A small boy nestled in the crook of my arm, nursing in the small hours of the morning. Together we rocked, back and forth, keeping time with the rising sun. This boy baby sighed, and his eyelids fluttered closed. He slept, one small fist wrapped around my finger.
The spell broke and we paid the bill, ushering The Poo out for one of the last 70 nights she will be an only child.
I looked at her ponytail bobbing behind her as we crossed the parking lot, and I imagined two small brown heads walking together.
My children. My family.
I can’t wait.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:36 am
I had similar feelings when I was pregnant with my daughter.
Things do change when you have a second child ~ but in a good way!!
I can’t believe it is only 10 weeks until your little son will be here!!
Seeing his little face on that scan will be so magical!!
love and hugs ~ Tabitha XXX
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:06 am
Aw, Mrs. C - what a vision. I hear you on knowing in your head, and waiting for your heart. I’ve been feeling so stuck in the phase of not-quite-believing-this-baby-is-going-to-stick-around, that I couldn’t really let myself dream. I’m just starting to, but it’s different than my pregnancy with Smooch. I journaled constantly during that pregnancy, I daydreamed and I noted every little twinge. This time, I’m just… I don’t know? Busier? Preoccupied with this busy little toddler-boy? I hope I’m not already slighting his sibling, but what can you do about it?
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
sniff.
will we get to see his 3d closeup?
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:26 am
I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my son. I knew in my head that things would be fine, better than fine, but I felt like I was somehow short-changing my daughter.
The heart catches up quickly when baby arrives. Enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy. They go fast and slow at the same time.
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Everything you say is so reminiscent of how I felt when I was pg with Ella.
I wanted her - she was an accident so to speak - unplanned but wanted. I’m like you. BN brushed up against me and I was knocked up.
In my heart I had total fear that she would be too much for me and that I wouldn’t be able to cope with all the requirements - emotional or physical. Yet in my head I was thinking ‘I hear women say this all the time and yet people continue to have children so there must be enough love & hands & time…’
And it’s true - there is.
But it didn’t stop me thinking ‘oh crap what have I done?!’ that first evening home when she started to cry and we realised we had another one! And Rowan didn’t even come home till the next day!
But it was great and a few days into it and we were fine. Rowan was fab and you’re right - when she held her my heart popped.
Keep your head and your heart talking to each other - that’s the trick I reckon
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
oh yeah I remember something else - whe I was pregnant with Rowan my sister was preg with her 4th (due within 2 weeks of each other) and she kept asking me ‘how pregnant are we?’ and I kept thinking - yeah right! How can you forget how pregnant you are - and yet with number 2 it was a job some days to even remember I was pregnant at all!!
I’ll stop talking now
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I totally get it. My first pregnancy was an emotional upheaval and my connection to the little girl inside me sort of sustained me in a way. This time with a toddler underfoot I haven’t had time to really “feel” this pregnancy. Add to to that the knowledge that a small penis is growing inside me and the whole experience becomes this bizarre (and wonderful) thing.
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I hardly remember my second pregnancy. I know I was pregnant….I’ve got two kids…but it’s just kind of a blur. And I know what you mean Katherine about the knowledge that there is small little penis in there….just damn weird. It seems like we should just create bodies like our own, doesn’t it?
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Oh… a beautiful vision.
You know, we don’t have the luxury to nurture our own imaginations these days because we’re chasing after our 3-year-olds.
Your heart is right on time. Be gentle with yourself.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I was removed from number two until about a month AFTER she was born. The second one isn’t the same as the first in any way. I loved her from the moment I found out I was pregnant but I still felt that there was a barrier that I never experience with my first pregnancy.
It will hit you like a ton of bricks one day how much you can’t imagine life without two kids. Just like you can’t imagine being single and childless anymore.
I wonder if that’s how that Dugger woman thinks? Maybe she can’t imagine life with out 16 kids. WEIRD.
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:45 pm
It’s going to be delicious very soon. I can’t wait to here about those bobbing little heads.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I am so excited for you, Amy love
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:03 pm
There will be such a miraculous collision as your surges ahead, ultimately leaving mind, and particularly vocabulary utterly in its dust.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
so very sweet friend.
such a lovely vision.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:25 pm
That was beautiful, I’m teary reading it and thinking of my own soon to be two babies under two. Have a wonderful time getting your little 3-D peak at Shaggy:)
June 6th, 2008 at 1:34 am
What a great post.
June 6th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
Beautiful. And so perfectly in tune with normal.
June 6th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Believe me, it’s the best thing that could happen to her!
June 12th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Maybe it’s my crazy hormones, but this made me cry.