I’m not writing this for an audience.
I’m writing because I have to.
This is not how I wanted these days to be. I am worn thin, a hormonal mess. I am carrying 178 pounds on a frame made for 130. I was 15 pounds from that ideal weight when Shaggy Boy was conceived and I feel it with each and every movement.
I cannot bend down without getting dizzy, or without terrible, burning pain in my right ribcage. I cannot get in or out of the car without dislocating my hip bones.
I cannot help The Poo get onto the potty without straining my belly.
Mr. Chicken is 3,000 miles away, in an Italian pensione, and I am here alone. Tonight I was rescued for awhile, by two women who – if they hadn’t before – earned a prominent place in my heart. The came over for several hours this afternoon and their children entertained The Poo, who is starved for company who doesn’t moan and groan and gently explain again and again that she can’t play right now, she’s too tired.
Oh, my poor Poo!
This is not how I wanted to spend these last days with her. I wanted to take fun trips and read books and snuggle and do crafts. I wanted to lavish her with all my love and attention in these final days before her brother is born.
I wanted to be wholly present for my first baby.
Instead I am a mess. I am crabby and over-emotional and quick to scold her for – well, for being three. For not pulling up her own pants after she pees. For getting crumbs on the floor. For not moving fast enough when I tell her to do something.
I feel like such a failure.
Other women have babies. For God’s sake, look at Steph! Glowing, 30 weeks pregnant with her fourth baby and still going strong.
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this? Why can’t I ever do anything with any fucking grace?
Tonight for several hours I experienced strong, painful contractions. One of my rescuers is a doula. She placed her hands on my belly and nodded.
“Well, you’ve been able to walk and talk through them,” she said, studying my face.
I nodded.
We parted ways in the parking lot of a fast-food joint.
As we said our goodbyes, she looked me in the eye.
“You call me, no matter what time it is, if you need anything,” she said.
You see, I am alone. Alone with The Poo until tomorrow at 2:20 p.m. when my MIL arrives.
Per my friend’s advice, I came home and drank huge amounts of water. I tried to hold still. I tried to act normally for the sake of my daughter.
Instead I rushed her into bed. I spoke harshly. I was impatient. I didn’t want to read to her.
What kind of mother tries to get out of reading to her child?
But I did it. I read three chapters of The Rainbow Fairy: Ruby.
I sat with her while she fell asleep. I answered questions. I comforted.
I tried my best, and all I wanted to do was go to my own room, lay down and cry.
I want my husband. I want my mother. I want my sister. I want someone near me who can care for me.
More, I want to be able to care for myself and my girl.
After she finally fell asleep, I sighed and left her room. Closing the door, I hesitated and turned back.
Her hair, dirty and tangled from two days without a bath, covered her face. I brushed it away, my fingers on the velvety skin of her cheek.
The tears came then, as I recalled her small face crumpling into tears when I was impatient one too many times this afternoon.
“I love you, baby, I am so sorry,” I said to her sleeping face.
I’m on my couch, feet up and water glass by my side. I’ve never felt so helpless or useless in all my life, nor so scared.
Maybe I can’t do this. Or, at least, I can’t do it the way I want to.
And it is killing me.
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
Hang on Amy. I can’t think of anything else to say.
In a weird way I have been there. My twins were three when my youngest boy was born and it was hell. Sheer hell. I made it, I don’t know how, but I did.
I’m thinking about you and wishing only the best for you.
I just wish I had some other words, or some of my wit to give you to at least help pass the time.
Don’t ever apologize…you’re doing a great job, mama.
Your child knows you love her.
Only you live your own circumstances, don’t try to compare yourself to others. I had a great first pregnancy and now have a healthy, but difficult pregnancy that sounds a lot like yours. And hoping my husband makes it back before I go into labor since he missed the last birth.
Needing other people is not only okay–it is the natural order of things.
Take all the help, give yourself a break.
yes you CAN do it. perhaps not perfectly, but who can? you just do it and it works out. your MIL being there will help, and the Poo? perfectly fine; really.
i hate myself when i have to do those sleeping apologies – but at least we do them, right?
just so so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.
None of us is doing it the way we want to. At least that’s my personal opinion. There’s always a “more better” way. I’m so very very sorry you’re going through this right now. Talk about timing. I wish I was there to… Help. Rub your feet, and be there if it turns into “real” labor, and take the poo for a while. I know that this isn’t the same. Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you.
Hey, I was there too. I snapped at my 2-year-old when I was pregnant with her brothers. I refused to read to her, berated her for mixing the cat’s food and water while I slept on the sofa all day long.
It’s awful, to feel this way. Both physically and emotionally.
I have two things to tell you, from the other side of where you are now. One is that you will feel so much better as soon as he is born, and it will be so easy to get down on the floor and help with the potty and stuff. Even while recovering from a c-section.
The other is that you are normal, and it is okay if you are not at your best sometimes. You can tell the Poo about this when she is grown and pregnant with her 2nd and loathing herself for having been impatient with her first. And probably she’ll laugh and say she doesn’t remember any of it, from before Shaggy was born.
You’re in the home stretch.
You can do it. You are doing it the only way you can. Trust me, you read those three chapters and that is three more than I could have handled. I am so sorry you are all alone tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better once you MIL gets there. Anyway, the Poo will be more occupied and that will be easier on you. I hope you sleep easy tonight, you deserve it more than anyone.
Sending hugs your way.
Please know that we’ve all sat on that couch, berating ourselves for a lack of patience and feeling oh so alone.
And children have a way of forgetting those things that cause us so much guilt.
If there is a woman out there who doesn’t think she’s screwed up with her kids at least a dozen times I’d be surprised. We’re all just doing the best we can…sometimes the best isn’t that good. And that’s okay.
Hope you get some sleep tonight. I know even sleep is difficult at that stage.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so guilty/tired/angry at the world! You are doing fine, really! And like others have said, the Poo will be fine, she knows you love her and she really won’t need therapy for this!
You are wholly present, it’s just that your whole has changed. You are not doing this childless. You are several years older. The circumstances are different.
Know what that means?
You are bigger and wiser.
Shaggy is coming home to a sibling.
He gets his own story, for every difference there is new perfection.
Love you.
Hey, Mrs Chicken, you’re doing great. I know it doesn’t seem that way, but remember? it often seems that way with motherhood. The Poo is a terrific little girl, and Shaggy will be terrific too.
They know you love them. They know.
Courage! It’s okay to not be supermom to The Poo right now.
You know, though, these are not your last days with The Poo. She will be right there with you, Shaggy, and your husband. You won’t be going away from her.
She’ll see herself in a new way, and you will, too. Let her transform with you.
Being a big sister is a big deal. I am still raising my brother, born when I was three.
You CAN do this. You really can. The Poo loves you, she’s three years old, and will DEFINITELY remember all of the good times. She’s going to remember you reading to her and letting fun friends come over, not for being short with her when you’re tired and lonely. It’s a really hard time right now, and hopefully once MIL gets there you’ll get some more rest and feel better. (BIG HUGS)!
I know you feel down but try to remember that you are emotional and tired and hormonal and it’s causing you to fput so much more pressure on yourself than you need to.
I remember this. I was no different. I fell pregnant with my second without having lost any weight from the day I gave birth. I was 3 and a half stone over my original weight, 7.5stone overweight in total, I had pubic symphysis dysfunction because I was too fat. Agony every time I moved, turned over, slept, lay. I couldn’t play. I couldn’t hardly walk. I cried and cried and cried.
But you can do this. I know you can. It’s OK to want them asleep. I don’t even have an excuse and I try to get out of reading some nights! Sometimes you just want them asleep and outta the way and that doesn’t make you a bad parent.
It makes you tired! And it’s OK to be tired. Honestly! xx
love and love and love to you and yours x
As a recent mother of two, (my second is now a month old and my first will turn two in August) I just wanted to reasure you that how you are feeling is absolutley as it should be. Your posts regularly move me to tears becasue everything you say is so familiar.
The way you are feeling is natures way of preparing you for the arrival of your second child. You can not give fully to your first child right now becasue it’s time for you to shift your focus onto your second, your body and your baby is telling you, stop, and be present, be here with us, thats all. It’s a hard thing to do, but know it’s only temporary, so there is no need to feel guilty, you are just doing what you need to do, you are makeing space for the baby.
Your relationship with your first will not change once the baby comes, it will all fit back to normal in time, back as it was before. Soon you are loving them both and giving to them both, two is really not that much harder than one. It may not be how you wanted it to be but it’s how it needs to be, how it must be.
These are not your last days with your Poo, she will still be there after the baby comes and so will you and neither of you will have changed, after a few weeks everyting will be as it was before the baby came. But first you need to focus on getting the baby here and settled in. The new baby just brings more, more love, more tears, more everyting. They don’t take away from what you already have they just bring more.
So from the other side I can tell you it’s wonderful and beautiful and even though you can not imagine where you are going to find room for this baby in your life right now, somehow they just fit in and they bring a whole truck load of good stuff with them.
Anyone that has had a second child with a toddler knows how you are feeling…and we all felt the same regret and remorse, and had the same feelings of failure. IT IS OK, and you are none of these things. Just know that others have come through it too, just like you will. Call on people if you need to-sounds like you have some good folks around you, and they are willing to help. Take advantage of it, because your daughter & your unborn baby need you to be at your best-rested and happy, and you can’t do it without help! You will survive these last few weeks…promise!
Have had you on my mind all night since your late tweet. Hope you’re hanging in there this morning. You absolutely CAN do this, by the way. My second didn’t sleep a wink for the whole first year, and it sucked but we managed. Anyone who has the smarts to hire a doula is smart enough to know when to ask for help. Ever read Ann Lamott’s Operating Instructions? If I lived nearby I’d be happy to come scrub your bathroom for you.
PS. We totally neglected getting Frannie a baby of her own when she first met Cal in the hospital. Make sure you don’t make the same mistake.
Also – a nursing kit was great for my daughter – a stash of new awesome toys that are reserved only for times when you’re nursing the baby. Does wonders for keeping the older kid occupied and not feeling left out while you nurse.
Oh sweetie, I so understand. Please try not to be too hard on yourself and just hang in there until MIL arrives.
My twins came early last month and I had such guilt about it. Topping it off my 5-year-old had to be with relatives for the past 7 weeks. Next week I may have some time with him, but then when the twins are ready to be discharged, I will likely need to send him off to relatives again for 1-2 weeks while we move cross-country. I feel terrible guilt that I may not get those special last days with my first born. I’m realizing that generally most people just don’t get that sort of chance. And I too have often spent what little time I’ve had with him being impatient.
I’m hoping things get better soon. (((hugs)))
I was the same way before my 2nd was born. The oldest was 18 months old. He will be 11 next month and he is fine. The Poo knows you love her. Really. Hang in there, and read this. It usually makes me feel better after a tough day. “The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”
Jill Churchill, O Magazine, May 2003
No I don’t think you can do it just the way you want to. Because I think you are looking for perfection. What mother has ever been perfect?
You CAN do it. Aim a little lower. Forgive yourself. You are going to have to forgive yourself a million times over the next twenty years. You will do an amazing job. I know you will. You are just going to have to let a couple of things go and be okay with it
You can do this, and you will. Sure, you will struggle at times. You will likely snap at Poo impatiently as she utters “mama, mama” yet another time in an attempt to grab your attention, all while you are intently focused on attempting to get her brother to latch on and feed. This beat down and broken feeling, the guilt that comes in the wake of succombing to it, it is all love. You love the Poo, you love Shaggy, and in the end they will only see that love.
Hang in there. And please let me know if there is anything I can do. I know we have yet to meet in the “real world”, but I am more than happy to come and bring Mr. O to entertain The Poo. I’m happy to chase them around a park while you put your feet up and sip water. I’m happy to bring a (very tasty) sugar free concoction to your side . . . or pick up some dinner for the Poo.
I’ve been there, oh so recently, and in many ways I’m still there . . . struggling (many times solo) to meet the needs of a two-year-old and a twelve-week-old.
I’ve got your back if you need it.
It is two on sunday, so hopefully your full time support arrives in twenty minutes.
Just a day or so ago I said that I’d rather be stung repeatedly by yellowjackets than be pregnant. And now that I’m five weeks postpartum I’m missing that baby in the belly feeling more than anything.
What would make you feel better? Some time when you are feeling somewhat good get a friend to take some pictures of you and your pregnant belly. You’ll miss it soon.
Sugar free lemonade with crushed ice. The pool. A bath. A pedicure.
All I can say is take care.
My last few (three of so) weeks of pregnancy with #2 were by far the hardest, mentally and physically. I’m sure it’s even bigger because Mr Chicken is not home right now. No one ever does it the way they want to, the important thing is that you just keep doing it and start over in the morning. It’s a good mom who recognizes when she’s not giving 100% and one who knows why and that it’s temporary. Hang on. You are almost there.
When I was nine months pregnant, my little daughter was only 14 months old. I hated every minute of my pregnancy because it took me away from my beautiful little baby. I was miserable, tired and not a very nice mommy.
Fast forward 10 months, I am the mother of a 10 month old and a 2 year old and neither is any worse for wear. I imagine it’s hard right now because your husband is not with you. But he will be home soon. Take care and get rest and rely on as many people for help as you can. There’s not much left to go.
You hang on in there!!!
I remember those days ~ I think most of us have been there ~ when you are sooo pregnant it hurts and everything seems impossible. From what I have read here on your blog, you are a wonderful mother ~ you are just tired and alone at the moment ~ I hope that when your MIL gets there, things will be bit better,
sending you much love and lots of hugs ~ Tabitha XXXX
Sometimes I lie in bed at night and repeat, I forgive myself, I forgive myself, until I fall asleep. It helps. I also make sure to apoligive to H and tell him I behaved badly and I was sorry. Luckily three years olds live in the now more than we do and she’s got her Grandma on the way. Call me if you need/want to.
there’s nothing wrong with you. Not one thing.
And wait until poo gets a taste of what you’ve been cooking! She’s going to LOVE him and forgive you anything. even if she says she wants you to bring him back at first, he’s going to be a very important person to her and she to him.
Hang in there sweetie.
You are not alone- I have ended many a day this way. Sometimes the best you can do is just get through the day.
It will get easier and when you see the love between your two children it will all be worth it.
You’re doing just fine. I’m 30 weeks and I’m a complete wreck. I’m crabby with my amazing husband (who is apparently three since he leaves crumbs all over the floor and never moves fast enough for my taste). I have tried on several occasions to distract my daughter from a book so I can be left alone to read MY book.
I’m scared I won’t be a good mom to two kids and the thought of doing it alone…
My husband works full-time and goes to school full-time. I’m just losing my mind. It’s okay to be going nuts because damnit I don’t want to be the only one!
And I’ve got my husband sitting across the room. My MIL lives five minutes away. My mom is twenty minutes from us. I’ve got an army here in central Illinois.
Confidence and support systems are no match for pregnancy hormones. Hang in there!
You CAN do this, Mrs. C. Please don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself the space to be human and know that the things you perceive as mistakes are fleeting, but the love Poo has for you is a white-hot ray of sun that will shine on you forever, no matter what.
I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I’m sending you the strength to get you through this and I can tell you that I am already terrified for six months from now. Terrified.
Just so you know, you CAN do it, but you don’t have to look like it or even really act like it, but it will be ok. And I’m raising the white flag. Stick a fork in me- I’m done. No longer faking it. I’m out for the count, too. Hoping things ONLY go more smoothly and happier your way…
Steph
You CAN do this.
Hang in there – life will be better soon and you will look back on these days and remark at how strong you were and you made it through.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re a great mommy, even if you don’t feel like it right now! I’m thinking about you and sending some feel good vibes your way!
Oh, dear. I hope your reinforcements have arrived and made things easier for you and The Poo.
Oh Mrs. Chicken….if I could only chronicle for you the number of times that I’ve done the same thing. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed and disappointed and all that. It’s hard balancing more than one. And frankly, despite how you may feel at the end of the day, you’re doing a great job. She’s obviously a great kid BECAUSE of you! Shaggy will be the same. And in the meantime, it’s an important lesson for kids to learn that mommy needs some caring for too. It’s ok to say to her sometimes, “Poo, mommy’s really tired…too tired to read tonight. I really need to go to bed, but I love you, and we’ll read again tomorrow.” Kids need to learn about healthy boundaries from their parents….about setting limits to take care of ourselves. She needs to see you taking care of yourself, and if that means sacrificing a story or a bath or whatever, it’s ok. One day of bitchiness….several days even….are not going to undo all the good you’ve done for her. So give yourself a diabetic, 30+ weeks pregnant, hoo-ha aching break and try to relax. You’re doing fine. She’ll be fine. And the relationship you have with her will change….but she will be a better person for it….for you….for Shaggy…for the whole chicken tribe.
Hang in there. You’re almost to the end of this phase.
Big hugs from someone who’s been there with two kids 18 months apart.
Oh, the feats of impatience I have achieved. It goes with the territory. But it’s territory that you’ll escape soon enough, and The Poo will be no worse for the wear–in fact, her life will be richer because of her little bro and the added love flowing through your household. Hang in there!
Looks like I DID miss something.
Honey, we ALL sometimes feel like we are not as good as our kids deserve. And we ALL sometimes don’t want to read to them. It is hard when they are close together, and it will be hard for awhile. BUt, then, one day, you’ll find her reading to her brother, and you’ll be able to sit back and relax.
Ummm… I’m not even pregnant and I *still* try to get out of reading to my 3 year old.
It’s hard (impossible) to avoid feeling guilty when you’re a parent. But I do firmly believe, in between the bouts of guilt, that it’s more than OK to let our kids not be the center of our lives all the time.
Cheer up — you’re almost done being preggers, and then you’ll have those awesome post-partum hormones to keep you happy!!
(JOKE! from the lady who bawled uncontrollably after #2 was born, sobbing all sorts of crazy things about how abandoned and lonely and miserable #1 must feel. I was then banned from putting him to bed for a few weeks.)
I think we all feel this way when we’re having our second. I know it’s exactly how I felt just a month ago. Honestly, now that the baby is here… I still feel this way. I just can’ do for Zoe what I really want to, or what she’s used to. But… you read about my first day alone. We survived. Some great moments… some horrible moments. But we got through. You’ll get through too.
Hang in there. I do the same thing and I am ashamed to say I am not pregnant and hormonal. I am sick and I am tired all the time, it is so hard to feel bad most of the time and it is hard not to lose it. I feel guilty every night when I go to bed and I always tell her I am sorry every night. You will get through it and she will be fine, I promise!
Ohh very much thanks admin