The Poo and her grandmother are outside, weeding my flower beds.
Guilt and my current physical limitations are duking it out inside my head, with guilt as a heavy favorite. I am sitting on the loveseat, feet up, cold beverage at my side, wishing I had the energy to go help.
But I don’t.
I learned that the hard way on Saturday evening, when I pushed myself beyond my limits one too many days in a row, and spent a terrifying three hours wondering who would watch The Poo while I entered a cold operating room alone, the only witness to the birth of my second baby.
In a moment of weakness, I turned, as I so often do, to my words.
My frantic fingers danced over the keyboard as I poured out my secret fears about myself and this pregnancy, about my doubts and concerns that I am not caring for The Poo as she deserves.
Because she does so richly deserve love and attention. She is a lovely, affectionate child who told me last week that I am the “best mother her eyes have ever seen.”
It’s a lot to live up to.
So many of your offered your kindness, and shared your stories, and told me to take it easy on myself. Some of you took the time to email me and share your stories with me, to tell me that I am not alone.
I’m a hard person to get to know. It may seem like I am an open book, but in real life, I am closed off and prickly, distrustful of you and certain you will let me down.
I am certain I am lacking, and that you will see through me.
That I will be revealed as the fraud that I feel like inside my heart.
Somewhere along the line, I happened on some friends who won’t take no for an answer. Friends who keep knocking on my door, even when I close the door and draw the curtains.
Somewhere along the line, I collected a group of people, people like my mother-in-law, who really love me. Who will do for me.
I just have to let them in, let them do for me.
I’m trying. It’s hard for me. I’d rather be the active verb, not the passive. I’d rather be the one making the offer, rather than the one accepting the help.
I’d rather be capable all the time.
What this pregnancy - what my son - has taught me, is that I am not invincible. I can take a punch, yes. And I have withstood some pretty strong blows.
But sometimes, “no, thank you” is the wrong answer.
So I am trying very, very hard to say, “yes, please.”
And I look forward to the time when I can offer my hand to you, instead of holding onto your palm for dear life.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Good job Mrs.Chicken. You are so right about how difficult it is just to say Yes Please. You are a smart smart lady with a ton of hormones flowing in your body right now. Take the next couple weeks in the waves they will come and just hang in there.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:05 pm
my advice to all moms is to learn to accept any and all offers of help. It is the only way to stay sane. We are not superwomen, we do need help and there is no shame in accepting it.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I think that for me it’s the total lack of control that I can’t get my head around.
I know at some point during this whole birth thing I’m going to be separated from Cara and most likely for overnight - the first time in her life. Scares me batty.
I’m trying really hard to realize that letting people help me isn’t showing weakness but it’s a struggle everyday and I know exactly where you’re coming from.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Wow, that sounds like me.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:44 pm
it is hard to say yes, please instead of No, I’ve got it, thanks. I still struggle with that - I like to do things myself and sometimes, that’s just not the right way.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I tried to comment on that post, which broke my heart, and it broke my computer. (Well, my computer crapped out and I could not pull up the comment form.)
I’m glad to see you resurfacing! I do hope everything starts to feel better very very soon.
*INTERNETICAL HUGS*
July 21st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Yes please is beautiful, babe. Learn it, live it, love it.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
OH, I am more like this than people would realize. It has taken a while for me to accept that I am not always the capable one, and sometimes do have to wave the white flag. You are so deserving of it all- the feet up and the pampering and the friends caring for you. Sending good thoughts your way…
Steph
July 21st, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Thank goodness your MIL is there now. It is hard to accept help. It’s hard because we women hate to admit we can’t do it all. Once we accept that, it’s easier to say yes, please.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Learning how to say yes has got to be one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn. But it is by far the most rewarding, for everyone.
Take care of you Mrs. Chicken.
July 21st, 2008 at 5:05 pm
jees.. we’re twins
x
chill your beans babe - not long to go now … you’re doing fab x
July 21st, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I love your blog and have loved following your journey. Hang in there is the best I have to offer- oh, and my palm is yours.
July 21st, 2008 at 9:40 pm
That was my hardest lesson with #2. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and let the help in. Especially if it’s family. Who better to tend to the Poo?
If I were in Chambana, I would be knocking on your door, too.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:10 pm
It’s sooooooooo hard to accept help. I’m glad you have people who want to give it. People better bring you some awesome casseroles and lasagnes and whatnot over the next couple weeks.
Your honesty is huge and very helpful.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:03 pm
“Yes please.” If I was more religious, it’d be my mantra. And like you, it was the hardest lesson I was FORCED to learn thus far as a parent. But once you’ve grasped that one, it makes the rest come easier….because you’ll always have the help you need.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:01 am
What a great post. It really is SO hard to ask for help, or to accept people’s generousity. You are doing great! We love you.
July 22nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
My second daughter forced me to learn how to say, “yes please” - a lesson I had refused to do prior to her birth.
Every day she teaches me my own limitations - and it is a good lesson!
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:49 pm
The last month of my pregnancy I was on The Bedrest. It MASSIVELY SUCKED, and mostly for the reasons that you have so articulately outlined.
It is so, so hard to accept help when you’re the helper. I know it.
I just tried hard to think of how much I long to help those who need it and understand that my loved ones were longing that same way to help me.
It made it a little easier.
A little.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:26 am
What a beautiful, beautiful post. And what lovely words from your daughter. Sometimes our kids see the beauty and goodness in us that we’re too insecure or afraid to see in ourselves. The lovely thing is that you have already lived up to your daughter’s vision of you as the best mama her eyes have ever seen. Of course there are moments when you don’t, but clearly the moments when you are her wonderful, wonderful mother outweigh the others, otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to speak those lovely words. Maybe she knows something about you that you don’t know about yourself :). I often encounter this in my little girl and am awe-struck every-time to encounter my goodness through her eyes.