Shock

by Mrs. Chicken on July 24, 2008

They couldn’t find his heartbeat.

She held the doppler on my heaving belly while my back arched, muscles contracting painfully, involuntarily. I was, I think, screaming.

Where is it? Where is he? Henry! Where is he? Oh, where is it? You can’t find it!

My face was hot and wet. My lungs ached from trying to expand. The oxygen mask fell out of my nose and hands were on my head, in my hair, on my shoulders, many sets of hands.

Shhh, lie back, you have to relax, Amy! Lie back sweetie! Shhhh, it’s OK, you’re OK, you’re breathing.

I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating. The room is going dark. I look at my obscenely dancing legs and there is blood running from a gash in my left thigh. The first epi pen pierced my skin, but my flexing muscles pushed it out again, body struggling against the impending darkness. The second dose took, but only after what felt like breathless hours.

They said I never stopped breathing completely.

***

Just before they sent me to the other side of the room, the surgical side, my midwife told me that they would do a test dose.

It’s just iron, I thought to myself. Iron for my poor, weak blood. What could happen? But I asked her.

She hesitated, her pixie haircut and elfin form a stark contrast to her white coat. Shock, she said. Anaphylactic shock.

***

I have small veins. They roll around and try to escape the tyranny of the needle. Three sticks in my left arm; finally, success in my right.

The medicine, to make me strong for the birth, dark and brown and thick.

This might sting, the nurse said.

She pushed the plunger and I looked away, not wanting to watch my own body being infiltrated. I was crabby, resentful, angry that I had to do it, angry that my body is an inadequate host for this baby boy trying hard to grow.

Suddenly I was hot. So hot.

Too hot.

Something’s not right, I muttered. Lungs seized up. Hot, so hot!

Hurry! Hurry! Something’s wrong!

Gasping, black spots in front of my eyes. I’m getting out of the chair. The IV pulls.

Too hard to breathe! Can’t breathe! It’s dark!

The nurse knocks over a tray. More feet, running. The midwife’s hand in mine, me squeezing, squeezing, back arching from the eipinepherine.

Can’t breathe! Julie! I can’t breathe!

You’re talking, you’re breathing. Calm down. You have to calm down! The medicine is working.

She calls for the doppler, small and white in her hand.

Static.

Static.

Long minutes tick by.

Henry! Henry! Baby! My baby!

The tech fetches the ultrasound machine, fetal monitor follows on a cart behind. Hands pushing me back. Pink strap on my middle.

They are all looking at each other. No sound no sound NO SOUND!

Where is it? WHERE IS IT! I’m still screaming.

On the screen a jagged line.

It beats. His heart beats.

Mine beats in tandem, too fast, too fast. First too slow, now too fast.

Tick-tock, the frightening clock.

Slowing, slowing …

The clock stops as I watch the lines, one on a screen and one on paper, tears falling in a waterfall of fear and sorrow and anger at the betrayal of this body of mine. My collar is wet, hands on mine, soothing, shushing.

I want my husband, I cry out. I want my mom! I’m so sorry!

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.

***

I was there for another hour. They wheeled me into the ultrasound room for a bio scan. I saw him, my baby, my Henry, my heart. He was breathing and moving.

He looked fine.

He is fine. I am not.

***

I harbored fear that I wasn’t going to be able to love this baby enough. Today, that fear was replaced with another; that I love him too much.

My body has been an inhospitable home for him. I have half-joked that I want him out, that I want my body back. But today when I almost stopped breathing, my only thoughts were for him. Watching the faces of the nurses and the midwives as they waited for that whoosh-whoosh-whoosh, I knew.

We share one heart.

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{ 89 comments… read them below or add one }

Michelle @ Fizzledink July 25, 2008 at 7:48 am

Oh, honey. When I first started reading this post, I was hoping it was just a bad, end-of-pregnancy, so-vivid-it-seems-real dream. And then I got scared. And then I read it again and calmed down. Whoa – I can’t believe you had to go through that, and alone.

(And as a side note? Woman, you are one POWERFUL writer.)

Traci July 25, 2008 at 8:32 am

You really know how to scare the shit out of the internet, don’t you? Glad you both are ok.

sam July 25, 2008 at 8:41 am

OMG Amy. OMG.

I have chills. I am so glad you’re both all right.

I agree – you’re a VERY powerful writer!

Emily Amelia July 25, 2008 at 8:42 am

I am so very glad that you and your baby are both healthy and alright. You have me nearly crying here at work, thinking of what I would do should this sort of thing happen to my baby and I… too scary.

Binkytown July 25, 2008 at 9:35 am

How absolutely terrifying. Im so glad you both are ok. You might not feel like it, but you are. You are.

La Rêveuse July 25, 2008 at 10:48 am

This happened to my mom when they gave her IV iron, too. Half her body went numb, like a mini-stroke. Frightening.

I am glad you are both OK. Makes my daily irritants like the baby insisting on spilling my coffee every stinking day seem very trivial in comparison.

Keep breathing. There are lots of people there and out here rooting for both of you.

andrea July 25, 2008 at 11:37 am

My nose was two inches from my monitor. I’m glad you are both okay.

holly July 25, 2008 at 12:14 pm

That was horrible. I read it again (with tears in my eyes) once I knew it would end okay, but it was still terrifying. I’m so glad you’re both okay. Praying for an uneventful next couple weeks and a safe birth.

Binky July 25, 2008 at 12:19 pm

Holy crap. That post got my own heart racing. I’m glad all is well now and I hope you are able to get some rest and stay as calm as the caretaker of a three year old can hope to be. And give that body of yours some credit for the amazing work it’s doing, will ya? :)

kristi July 25, 2008 at 12:33 pm

That is scary as hell! I am glad you are all okay.

Kirsten July 25, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Holy crap, I think the bottom dropped out of my stomach for about five minutes there…

But he’s fine. He’s fine, and you’re going to BE fine. Your body’s done an awesome job so far with him, and it’ll keep doing so until the Big Day.

And then you and the Poo will be able to cuddle him together. :)

Rachael July 25, 2008 at 3:36 pm

Holy cow lady, what a scare! I’m so, so glad that you’re doing okay now. I got all choked up again reading the comments, I think EVERYONE out here stopped breathing while reading this. I’ll be keeping you and the baby in my thoughts. (HUGS)

Joie July 25, 2008 at 3:37 pm

Don’t think I breathed the entire time I read your post. Wow! So, so sorry you went through that. Bet you really can’t wait to hold him when the time is right.

Christy July 25, 2008 at 3:43 pm

OMG! Glad he is okay, and you will be okay too. So sorry though.

Jennifer July 25, 2008 at 3:48 pm

Nothing I can write is adequate, what a well-written post. I’m just not sure how you did it. For me, the more serious, the harder it is to formulate the words.
I hope you are well and Henry is well.

ali July 25, 2008 at 3:56 pm

oh
my
god

im so happy to hear you’re okay! so scary!

Coco July 25, 2008 at 3:56 pm

Oh my GOD, Mrs. C, you scared the bejesus out of me! Though upon reflection I’m sure you were just a teensy bit more scared than I was.

Sending you and bambino some love from over here.

nutty mummy July 25, 2008 at 5:16 pm

I really thought that was a dream. Poor you :(

Not long to go now chicken – you can do it x

lildb July 25, 2008 at 6:12 pm

*sob*

Fern July 25, 2008 at 9:55 pm

That was some beautiful writing. How freaking terrifying.

Suebob July 25, 2008 at 10:02 pm

Waaaay scary. I’m glad you are both ok.

GrimRealityGirl July 25, 2008 at 10:56 pm

So glad you are both okay. Praying for you both. Your writing captured it all and terrified me. I am so sorry you went through this.

washwords July 25, 2008 at 11:49 pm

wow. just wow. I got choked up reading this and I don’t even know you. I hope you submit this somewhere (so more can read it) creative nonfiction?

So glad you are all right too.

Wow.

shivers.

Julia July 26, 2008 at 6:47 am

That must’ve been awful. It was very visceral simply to read your account.

I’ve been reading you for some time now and love the way you write. So much so that I’m reading and typing this in a dingy internet cafe in Beijing; I rented $1.25 worth of internet to catch up on things.

Best wishes for you and for Henry. It will only be a few more days!

Toni July 26, 2008 at 9:26 am

Oh. My.

I am so sorry this happened to you, Mrs. C.

So scary on so many levels.

I am thrilled you are okay….

God bless.

LD July 26, 2008 at 9:30 am

So sorry that you had the scare- but you let all of us have it right along with you. So happy that little Henry’s ok.

andi July 26, 2008 at 9:58 am

Oh god. I’m bawling. This scared the crap out of me. I was so worried for you. I’m glad you’re heart, your sweet Henry, is still beating.

For what it’s worth, when I was pregnant with Arlo I cried one day because I was afraid I couldn’t handle loving another human being “too much”. I’m too sensitive and can really only handle having my whole heart wrapped up in two little people. If I had more kids, I think I might burst.

Sending love and good health you way, my friend.

Janet July 26, 2008 at 10:19 am

How absolutely terrifying. I’m glad for the happy ending, though.

Kaza July 26, 2008 at 2:39 pm

What a deeply moving post. I’m sorry you had to go through such a terrifying experience, but glad that he was okay. Holding so many good thoughts for you and little Henry in these last weeks before he comes out to join the world.

Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children July 27, 2008 at 2:14 pm

That’s so scary, I’m so sorry! Well I’m also relieved that he’s just fine.

nomotherearth July 27, 2008 at 10:10 pm

God, my heart was racing reading this. Thank goodness you and Shaggy are okay.

justmylife July 27, 2008 at 11:33 pm

God, I was scared to death for you and Shaggy!!I am so glad everything is going to be fine! He is fine, you are going to be fine. Thank God both of you are going to be fine!

Kimberly July 29, 2008 at 7:37 pm

How terrifying. I’m so glad you and Shaggy are OK.

Sus July 31, 2008 at 7:56 pm

in this conversation late, but so glad you are both ok. very scary stuff. i try really hard not to think about the fact that they are actually safer inside me, despite all my fears and all the monitoring and my lack of iron or whatever the heck it is, than they will ever be again once they come out. having children makes you so incredibly vulnerable, doesn’t it? over and over again.

Kim @ Up North Mommy August 2, 2008 at 6:26 pm

Your post had me terrified. My chest began to tighten and my eyes burned.

Then I read that Henry’s ok. And I really lost it.

Fantastic post.

I’m thanking God that Henry and you are both ok.

Jenny, Bloggess August 3, 2008 at 8:37 am

You made my heart stop for a moment.

Featured on Good Mom/Bad mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5m4rgg

Lotta August 4, 2008 at 10:14 am

Oh my goodness. So glad you are both ok.

Dino DeLellis December 1, 2008 at 8:28 pm

That was scary and intense , I can actually feel the pain and fear while I’m reading it.And I felt very worried when the baby’s and your status are still being determined. And I was so relieved when they said you guys are ok.

I sincerely hope the both are you are doing well , I pray for your continued health and may you have a healthy baby.

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