They couldn’t find his heartbeat.
She held the doppler on my heaving belly while my back arched, muscles contracting painfully, involuntarily. I was, I think, screaming.
Where is it? Where is he? Henry! Where is he? Oh, where is it? You can’t find it!
My face was hot and wet. My lungs ached from trying to expand. The oxygen mask fell out of my nose and hands were on my head, in my hair, on my shoulders, many sets of hands.
Shhh, lie back, you have to relax, Amy! Lie back sweetie! Shhhh, it’s OK, you’re OK, you’re breathing.
I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating. The room is going dark. I look at my obscenely dancing legs and there is blood running from a gash in my left thigh. The first epi pen pierced my skin, but my flexing muscles pushed it out again, body struggling against the impending darkness. The second dose took, but only after what felt like breathless hours.
They said I never stopped breathing completely.
***
Just before they sent me to the other side of the room, the surgical side, my midwife told me that they would do a test dose.
It’s just iron, I thought to myself. Iron for my poor, weak blood. What could happen? But I asked her.
She hesitated, her pixie haircut and elfin form a stark contrast to her white coat. Shock, she said. Anaphylactic shock.
***
I have small veins. They roll around and try to escape the tyranny of the needle. Three sticks in my left arm; finally, success in my right.
The medicine, to make me strong for the birth, dark and brown and thick.
This might sting, the nurse said.
She pushed the plunger and I looked away, not wanting to watch my own body being infiltrated. I was crabby, resentful, angry that I had to do it, angry that my body is an inadequate host for this baby boy trying hard to grow.
Suddenly I was hot. So hot.
Too hot.
Something’s not right, I muttered. Lungs seized up. Hot, so hot!
Hurry! Hurry! Something’s wrong!
Gasping, black spots in front of my eyes. I’m getting out of the chair. The IV pulls.
Too hard to breathe! Can’t breathe! It’s dark!
The nurse knocks over a tray. More feet, running. The midwife’s hand in mine, me squeezing, squeezing, back arching from the eipinepherine.
Can’t breathe! Julie! I can’t breathe!
You’re talking, you’re breathing. Calm down. You have to calm down! The medicine is working.
She calls for the doppler, small and white in her hand.
Static.
Static.
Long minutes tick by.
Henry! Henry! Baby! My baby!
The tech fetches the ultrasound machine, fetal monitor follows on a cart behind. Hands pushing me back. Pink strap on my middle.
They are all looking at each other. No sound no sound NO SOUND!
Where is it? WHERE IS IT! I’m still screaming.
On the screen a jagged line.
It beats. His heart beats.
Mine beats in tandem, too fast, too fast. First too slow, now too fast.
Tick-tock, the frightening clock.
Slowing, slowing …
The clock stops as I watch the lines, one on a screen and one on paper, tears falling in a waterfall of fear and sorrow and anger at the betrayal of this body of mine. My collar is wet, hands on mine, soothing, shushing.
I want my husband, I cry out. I want my mom! I’m so sorry!
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
***
I was there for another hour. They wheeled me into the ultrasound room for a bio scan. I saw him, my baby, my Henry, my heart. He was breathing and moving.
He looked fine.
He is fine. I am not.
***
I harbored fear that I wasn’t going to be able to love this baby enough. Today, that fear was replaced with another; that I love him too much.
My body has been an inhospitable home for him. I have half-joked that I want him out, that I want my body back. But today when I almost stopped breathing, my only thoughts were for him. Watching the faces of the nurses and the midwives as they waited for that whoosh-whoosh-whoosh, I knew.
We share one heart.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Damn, Mrs. Chicken. I’m so glad everything’s okay, but that is seriously scary.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
no words, just ((hugs))
July 24th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I’m sending positive thoughts your way!! Hang in there!!
July 24th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
That is so scary. I’m so glad you are both okay.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
You scared the CRAP out of me! I have a friend who recently lost her babies.
I’m glad that everything worked out fine though and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I just stopped breathing, too. I have been having a hard time today on my own wondering what is going on with my body and baby, but it is nothing scary like this. I am so glad all is ok. Girl, when that baby is out and you are holding him and all is well and your two hearts are beating, I will be SO happy.
Steph
July 24th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
oh god, oh no. oh honey.
it’s those words: he is fine.
he is fine.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I went through something like this with my son, but early in the second trimester so it was nothing like this. It was the worst day of my life, and I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you so far along and all alone.
I’ll be thinking about you and the boy, and keeping my fingers crossed
July 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
That is so scary. I’m glad to hear your both okay.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Thank goodness you are alright, both of you. I hope you can get some rest today…You will be in my thoughts!
July 24th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Oh my god. I’m so glad you both are okay. That is unbelievably scary and yet you are so eloquent with your words. How can you possibly do that?
July 24th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
[...] Scary. She needs a [...]
July 24th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
oh my GOD, amy. i’m so glad you’re both ok.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
OMG. I’m all too familiar with anaphylactic shock. Mrs. C., I’m so sorry that you and Henry went through that terrifying experience, and so thankful that nothing worse happened to you or your son.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
I’m covered in chills. Thank goodness he is okay. Hopefully soon you will be too.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Stupid anaphylactic shock; it’s so scary.
So so glad you are ok. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I just want to add too, that I’m so glad you and Henry are both OK. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And please don’t hesitate to call me if you need ANYTHING. I’m just a few minutes away.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
That post was terrifying. I’m so glad you’re both okay.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Holy shit, girl. That was horrifying. I hope little Henry is born with no more scares for you.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Just relief and lots of tight hugs for you all from over here. So glad you’re both alright. You’ve been very brave. It’s not easy being alone for that. Tight hugs.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Jesus H. Christ, you scared me. But as I was reading I was thinking, “She’s ok, she’s ok, she’s written this so she’s ok. The baby’s ok. OK.”
So glad your MIL is there to help w/Poo. You get some rest.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Oh, Amy. My heart is in my throat.
So glad you are both okay.
Big hugs.
July 24th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Oh Crap Mrs.C that is fricken awful. I am so sorry that happened to you and so thankful you both are OK. You poor thing, that is really the last thing you need right now.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Oh My God–I could hardly take reading your post. I quickly scrolled down to the end mid-way through because I needed to know everything was o.k.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Again, if you need anything, please let me know.
You have been through hell this pregnancy–and yes, it’s clear as hell that you love Henry, and that you have for a very long time now.
Hang in there . . . and as you wrote, let others help you!
July 24th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
oh, Amy. so scary.
i know the experience was hell, but i am so glad for you that it ended happily…that he is fine, that all is okay. breathe, now…rest…love him…
and go easy on yourself.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Oh my gosh. I’m in tears. My heart is in my throat. I’m so so very glad that both of you are OK.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Henry, and your whole family. Please get some rest. I know there’s probably not much I can do through the computer, but let me know if I can do anything for you. I had an awful pregnancy as well and I know how incredibly taxing it is to just…be…when things around you are so crazy.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
That sounds terrifying. I am glad he is OK.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
*hug*
So sorry, friend.
Soon you’ll be eye to eye.
-Megin
July 24th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Jesus Amy. ((you))
July 24th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
holy crap.
8.8.08 can’t get her soon enough.
hugs friend
July 24th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Oh Amy, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! How terrifying. And I’m so glad that you both recovered so well and are okay.
I can relate to that feeling that your body keeps failing you, but realize that you have no control over such issues.
Hang in there sweetie. (((hugs)))
July 24th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Oh honey, what a scare. I was scared for you and I was just reading about it after the fact.
After all of this you definitely deserve an easy baby.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
It amazes me that you can turn something so scary into a such a beautiful thought. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that.
He will be here soon.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Oh my gosh, I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat for you. What a horrible experience with a great outcome; I can’t imagine your fear and anxiety. Soon he will be in your arms - safe and sound. Hugs
July 24th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I stopped breathing, too. I am SO glad you are both alright.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I seriously thought right until the end that it was just a dream.
How I wish that it were.
Hang in there.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I stopped breathing, too, Amy. I am so glad you and Shaggy are alright. Sending hugs.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Been thinking about you! You are such a great mommy to the Poo and Henry. Seriously. And this week is almost over thank goodness.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
This is… just…this is just…
I just….
ohhhhhhh, my heart.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
So terrifying. I am so glad that you are both okay. Hang in there. You’re almost there.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
I kept waiting to see that this was just a very nasty dream. You poor thing. We’re all sending you love Amy, you’ll get through this. Stimey is right, you’re almost there. Hang on. xoxo
July 24th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Very scary. I am so glad your m-i-l is here to be with The Poo. You need to go inside and care for yourself and your babe, as you wrote.
There’s something that moms don’t talk about much but that came through loud and clear in this post: You are a fierce mother. Thank god for that. Your kids and your husband need you to be fierce.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
OMG…I’m so glad you are BOTH okay. Hugs to you. Take care of you and that baby!
July 24th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
WOW…I am glad everything is okay. That seriously took my breath away…Hugs.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Sending you and the baby much love. That was one scary episode.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:19 am
wow so scary. You’d think they would have known better.
I’m so glad you’re okay and we’re praying that he will be totally unaffected by this as well.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:37 am
So scary. Lots of hugs and prayers for you and Shaggy boy.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:23 am
((hugs)) rest - take it easy until you can hold that baby in your arms.
July 25th, 2008 at 6:02 am
We went through what you didn’t have to. That’s all I have to say about it. We kind of closed the book on that chapter of our life….
July 25th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Oh! I had to read that a few times before my mind could relax. He’s ok, you’re ok. Phew.
July 25th, 2008 at 7:22 am
Such a scary post…even though I only “know” you through your blog, my heart dropped and the tears rolled as I felt your anguish as you waited for the heartbeat. Something I know too well….I am so glad all is okay with you and with Henry.
July 25th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Oh, honey. When I first started reading this post, I was hoping it was just a bad, end-of-pregnancy, so-vivid-it-seems-real dream. And then I got scared. And then I read it again and calmed down. Whoa - I can’t believe you had to go through that, and alone.
(And as a side note? Woman, you are one POWERFUL writer.)
July 25th, 2008 at 8:32 am
You really know how to scare the shit out of the internet, don’t you? Glad you both are ok.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:41 am
OMG Amy. OMG.
I have chills. I am so glad you’re both all right.
I agree - you’re a VERY powerful writer!
July 25th, 2008 at 8:42 am
I am so very glad that you and your baby are both healthy and alright. You have me nearly crying here at work, thinking of what I would do should this sort of thing happen to my baby and I… too scary.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:35 am
How absolutely terrifying. Im so glad you both are ok. You might not feel like it, but you are. You are.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:48 am
This happened to my mom when they gave her IV iron, too. Half her body went numb, like a mini-stroke. Frightening.
I am glad you are both OK. Makes my daily irritants like the baby insisting on spilling my coffee every stinking day seem very trivial in comparison.
Keep breathing. There are lots of people there and out here rooting for both of you.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:37 am
My nose was two inches from my monitor. I’m glad you are both okay.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
That was horrible. I read it again (with tears in my eyes) once I knew it would end okay, but it was still terrifying. I’m so glad you’re both okay. Praying for an uneventful next couple weeks and a safe birth.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Holy crap. That post got my own heart racing. I’m glad all is well now and I hope you are able to get some rest and stay as calm as the caretaker of a three year old can hope to be. And give that body of yours some credit for the amazing work it’s doing, will ya?
July 25th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
That is scary as hell! I am glad you are all okay.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Holy crap, I think the bottom dropped out of my stomach for about five minutes there…
But he’s fine. He’s fine, and you’re going to BE fine. Your body’s done an awesome job so far with him, and it’ll keep doing so until the Big Day.
And then you and the Poo will be able to cuddle him together.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Holy cow lady, what a scare! I’m so, so glad that you’re doing okay now. I got all choked up again reading the comments, I think EVERYONE out here stopped breathing while reading this. I’ll be keeping you and the baby in my thoughts. (HUGS)
July 25th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Don’t think I breathed the entire time I read your post. Wow! So, so sorry you went through that. Bet you really can’t wait to hold him when the time is right.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
OMG! Glad he is okay, and you will be okay too. So sorry though.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Nothing I can write is adequate, what a well-written post. I’m just not sure how you did it. For me, the more serious, the harder it is to formulate the words.
I hope you are well and Henry is well.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
oh
my
god
im so happy to hear you’re okay! so scary!
July 25th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Oh my GOD, Mrs. C, you scared the bejesus out of me! Though upon reflection I’m sure you were just a teensy bit more scared than I was.
Sending you and bambino some love from over here.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I really thought that was a dream. Poor you
Not long to go now chicken - you can do it x
July 25th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
*sob*
July 25th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
That was some beautiful writing. How freaking terrifying.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Waaaay scary. I’m glad you are both ok.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
So glad you are both okay. Praying for you both. Your writing captured it all and terrified me. I am so sorry you went through this.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
wow. just wow. I got choked up reading this and I don’t even know you. I hope you submit this somewhere (so more can read it) creative nonfiction?
So glad you are all right too.
Wow.
shivers.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:47 am
That must’ve been awful. It was very visceral simply to read your account.
I’ve been reading you for some time now and love the way you write. So much so that I’m reading and typing this in a dingy internet cafe in Beijing; I rented $1.25 worth of internet to catch up on things.
Best wishes for you and for Henry. It will only be a few more days!
July 26th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Oh. My.
I am so sorry this happened to you, Mrs. C.
So scary on so many levels.
I am thrilled you are okay….
God bless.
July 26th, 2008 at 9:30 am
So sorry that you had the scare- but you let all of us have it right along with you. So happy that little Henry’s ok.
July 26th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Oh god. I’m bawling. This scared the crap out of me. I was so worried for you. I’m glad you’re heart, your sweet Henry, is still beating.
For what it’s worth, when I was pregnant with Arlo I cried one day because I was afraid I couldn’t handle loving another human being “too much”. I’m too sensitive and can really only handle having my whole heart wrapped up in two little people. If I had more kids, I think I might burst.
Sending love and good health you way, my friend.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:19 am
How absolutely terrifying. I’m glad for the happy ending, though.
July 26th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
What a deeply moving post. I’m sorry you had to go through such a terrifying experience, but glad that he was okay. Holding so many good thoughts for you and little Henry in these last weeks before he comes out to join the world.
July 26th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
[...] Sucks « Shock [...]
July 27th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
That’s so scary, I’m so sorry! Well I’m also relieved that he’s just fine.
July 27th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
God, my heart was racing reading this. Thank goodness you and Shaggy are okay.
July 27th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
God, I was scared to death for you and Shaggy!!I am so glad everything is going to be fine! He is fine, you are going to be fine. Thank God both of you are going to be fine!
July 29th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
How terrifying. I’m so glad you and Shaggy are OK.
July 31st, 2008 at 8:24 am
[...] (Said doctor claims my reaction to the IV iron was mostly a “panic attack.” Yet strangely, they are developing a protocol for delivering said medication in the office, all based on my “panic attack.” At least they did apologize. [...]
July 31st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
in this conversation late, but so glad you are both ok. very scary stuff. i try really hard not to think about the fact that they are actually safer inside me, despite all my fears and all the monitoring and my lack of iron or whatever the heck it is, than they will ever be again once they come out. having children makes you so incredibly vulnerable, doesn’t it? over and over again.
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Your post had me terrified. My chest began to tighten and my eyes burned.
Then I read that Henry’s ok. And I really lost it.
Fantastic post.
I’m thanking God that Henry and you are both ok.
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:37 am
You made my heart stop for a moment.
Featured on Good Mom/Bad mom on the Houston Chronicle: http://tinyurl.com/5m4rgg
August 4th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Oh my goodness. So glad you are both ok.
September 10th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
[...] I also know that weird shit happens to me - and by extension, those who belong to me. I think about the shock and the diabetes and I wonder if it is my fault that my baby can’t breathe [...]