I’ve tried to get a handle on my feelings for the past several days.
I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew how to process the fact that I could have died Thursday morning, alone, in a pleather recliner at the OB’s office.
I bet you’re probably thinking that I sound melodramatic. But the fact of the matter is that anaphlactic shock is a deadly reaction to a drug or substance that stops your breathing. The fact of the matter is that I was not adequately informed of the risks to me or my unborn child before this treatment was administered.
The fact of the matter is that the nurse was unprepared. She was not sitting close to me; she had her back turned. She did not react quickly enough to get the epi pen in my thigh before I started to pass out.
There was nothing in the room to monitor Shaggy if (when) I reacted poorly to the test dose of iron pouring into my veins. The doppler, fetal monitor and ultrasound machine all had to be fetched and moved over from across the building, leaving me to wonder for at least three agonizing minutes if my son’s heart was beating.
I told two friends about the incident on Friday, friends who are both part of the medical profession. One asked, horrified, if the office called 911.
No, they did not.
When I told them, quite calmly, that it felt as though I was dying, the woman who is a nurse responded thusly:
“That’s because you were.”
I was taken aback by that, but then I remembered the faces around me as I lay in the chair, oxygen in my nose and my own heartbeat racing with adrenaline and fear while I waited for the reassuring sound of my child’s lifeblood pumping through his body deep inside me.
I’m trying to reconcile those faces with the actual doctor, who breezed into the ultrasound room an hour after my reaction and condescendingly told me that I “never actually stopped breathing” and that this kind of thing happens “all the time.”
All the time? What the fuck? Why wasn’t I told that? Why wasn’t I given the opportunity to say no, thank you, I’d rather eat some liver?
And let me tell you this: I could tell by the reaction of the other staff members when I was writhing in pain and struggling to breathe that this does not happen “all the time.”
I am so very, very angry.
I wish I could take away a lesson from this, a lesson that life is precious and it can all vanish in an instant, with one push of a plunger.
I do know that, but I’ve known that since my father bled to death in front of my very eyes four years ago on Aug. 26.
I know that my daughter could have been left motherless because someone decided to take a risk on my behalf – a risk I would never have taken on my own.
I have just a few more days before this same doctor will come at me wielding a knife. She will be responsible for bringing my precious child into this world, and for making sure I make it out of that operating room healthy, for the sake of not one little baby, but also a three-year-old girl who thinks of me as the sun to her moon.
Before I left the office by myself on Thursday, swollen, disoriented and doped up (because no one thought to let me know I might need someone to drive me home if something when wrong), I was told to come back today for monitoring.
This morning I was ushered into a room by the same nurse who slashed open my thigh, failing to get the first does of epi into my system.
She tentatively asked me how I was, and said that I must have been scared.
“I was scared,” she said. “So I can only imagine how you felt.”
No. No, she can’t imagine what it’s like to feel her throat close up and watch darkness set in.
I don’t have to imagine it either, because I know what it feels like now.
The monitor shows a happy Shaggy, flipping and swimming inside me, healthy heartbeat bouncing off the walls of my belly. My uterus, however, is still quite unhappy about the situation, and is contracting fairly often.
Yes, I am close to my due date, and yes, I have had contractions recently that scared me.
But I really didn’t need any extra help in making this delivery come any sooner that it needs to.
My husband is due to walk in the door any minute, and I hope that I don’t fall apart when I see his face for the first time since my world shifted in a way I cannot – and likely will never be able to – articulate.
However, I don’t think I will.
Because I am just still too fucking angry.
And on Tuesday, when I finally see my midwife or my doctor, they will know the full force of a ferocious mother.
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
fall apart in his arms and relax and let it wash over you.
That’s what he’s there for.
I hope you give them what for when you see them and make sure that you make it clear you could be taking this a lot further. Well – that’s what I think I would do. In reality I’m not as ferocious as I make out I can be….
Lots of good thoughts coming your way and thinking of you all the time. I am going away the day after your due date and my own daughter’s birthday is the day before…
I am taking the laptop with me to check in! Lots of hugs
x
Holy God, hun!
I’d be damn angry as well and you have every right [and maybe even a responsibility] to chew some ass so that it doesn’t happen to someone else.
I’m glad your husband will be home soon.
I would be ten different kinds of furious.
I hope the new ass that you rip your physician stings for a long time to come.
I really can’t expand on what nutty mummy said…I agree completely.
Take care sweetie. You’ll be in our thoughts and prayers!
I’m glad to hear that your husband is coming home. You need him to be home with you and your daughter.
Give em hell next week. I’d say change docs, but I know how hard that is to do at this late stage in the game.
Take care and know that we’re here for you.
Oh, no. This sounds awful.
Are you okay?
Fall apart, and while you do it, slap him up side the head for leaving right now, and then, let his mom slap him. I am sure your post is going to save some other unsuspecting woman a trip as close to death as you came. I am so glad you are OK and your baby is OK. I think this comment is on the wrong post. other Henry’s grandma
Nice, huh? That whole “it happens all the time” crap, breezily uttered, is meant to brush you off so maybe you won’t sue. You should be pissed, and good for you for planning to let her have it.
damned straight, baby.
Oh, my word. Nutty Mummy said it very well:
“make sure that you make it clear you could be taking this a lot further.”
And actually? Now that I think about it… after Shaggy Boy is here and a wee bit settled, you REALLY should look into filing a complaint or grievance with the medical board who licensed your doctor (I’m guessing she’s AMA, but could be AOA… and American College of Obstetrics & Gynecology). It sounds like some very basic measures were overlooked (like having the monitors in the room, making sure everyone knew under what circumstances to call 911) and that’s negligence, plain and simple.
(((hugs))) Try to hang in there until you see Mr. C – and then stop trying. It’s okay to fall apart all over him, that’s what God made husband’s shoulders for.
you have every right and reason to be angry. i just hope that the anger doesn’t do YOU any harm. i know for me, sometimes feeling angry just makes me more stressed and upset, which doesn’t seem right at all. you were seriously wronged, and i hope they do something BIG to acknowledge that.
Wow. I agree with Michelle and Nutty Mummy. I can’t believe they weren’t prepared, especially if “this happens all the time”
I still can’t believe this happened to you. And I agree that they should know the force of a ferocious mother – give it to em good!
And hold tight to Mr. C – I’d bet he’ll want to show them the full force of a ferocious father/husband!
You have been having such a hard time. I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how terrified and sad and angry you must be. Love to you.
Give ‘em Hell Mrs. Chicken! I wouldn’t stop until I had at least a sincere apology and a commitment to further training of the staff on this procedure.
i have the same OB/GYN and this story is making me switch to another OB/GYN asap. i’m a lurker here and i have seen you around town (don’t worry- i’m not a stalker) but this story made me want to post. i am so glad that you are okay and that henry is too. this same OB was not supportive at all when i had a 2nd trimester miscarriage during my first pregnancy. she just said that it happens all the time and i have to take care of it soon (i had to have a d&c). on a nicer note- if it makes you feel any better- she will be extra careful with your delivery. she will not want to mess up again. after henry is here you should definitely report her. take care of yourself and i’m so happy that your husband will be home soon.
What an awful sounding person not to mention doctor! I was always told by my Bradley Method instructor that you can change OBs anytime you want. It sure sounds like she needs to be reported so no one else goes through this sort of ordeal.
All the time my ass! She said that hoping you might believe that crap and not sue her.
I agree that you do need to take this further. That was not acceptable.
Hugs to you and Shaggy.
I think it’s fantastic that you’ve been able to articulate your feelings so well! I’d just be a jumble of nerves, all balled up and shoved deep down.
I’m sorry you and Shaggy had such a scary day.
OMG, Mrs. Chicken. That’s the most. effed up. story that I have ever heard. It is OUTRAGEOUS. And horrifying.
I am reminded of the fucked up nurse who curtly told me, after I’d rung my mother’s nurse call button twice, that she had been with ‘patients who had REAL problems.’
My mother was dead a week and a half later and I wondered how many of the REALLY SUFFERING patients that she was with were still alive. I was too distracted by grief to follow up.
But I hope that you’re mad enough to do so.
Because seriously??
They need to be TOLD.
I’m so glad you’re here to get angry!
Is there any way to get another doctor to do the surgery? You have a lot of good information here that she isn’t focused on your well-being. I’m concerned.
I also am glad you are angry.
I didn’t comment before because I was just speechless. I still am, but just want to add my angry voice to the crowd. I cannot believe they did that to you.
I am outraged with and for you. I am well aware of what anaphlactic shock can do having a husband and child with asthma and allergies: Death. What is wrong with these people? Is it too late to get another dr.?
They not only need to be told–they need to make amends. Yeah- is it too late to find someone else to deliver your baby?? I think, if it were me, I wouldn’t let anyone from that office touch me or my child again.
Yes! A ferocious mother. Not to mention a ferocious internet of blogfriends standing right behind you.
It is NEVER to late to get another doctor if you are not comfortable with the one you have. You need to have confidence in that delivery room. If that is impossible your doctor should recommend a colleague who doesn’t bring baggage. I’m praying for you. Let hubby see your vulnerability — it will help him advocate for you. I would like to strangle someone for their negligence. I’m glad you are okay. Switch doctors if you can’t set aside your justified rage. I certainly would not be able to let it go….
Wow! I am so sorry! So, so sorry! Are you finding a new doctor?
Stunned. I hate doctors sometimes. I really really hate them.
Melodramatic never even entered my mind. You went through hell and somebody needs to feel your wrath. What an absolutely horrible ordeal. I am so glad to know that your son is okay.
Let your husband hold you…and cry, scream, yell…do what ever you need to.
WOW. i read the previous post through google reader. i have to tell you that i actually SKIPPED TO THE END until i got to the part where you and shaggy were fine. seriously, and then i went back and read the whole horrifying ordeal.
melodramatic? mais, non.
thank you for sharing. i’m glad you and shaggy are fine.
and i would be a blubbering MESS when my husband got home. the kind where only dolphins and dogs could hear me.
it’s all going to be fine. but it’s easy for me to say.
sending happy, comforting, and safe thoughts your way.
I have read a lot of awful stories about experiences people have had at their doctors, particularly OB doctors. But this is probably the worst. I am blown away by what happened to you. I feel really angry myself, so I can’t imagine the level of anger, of fear, of emotion that you are feeling now. I also agree with Grim Reality Girl – it’s NEVER too late to find a new doctor if you are not comfortable with this one. Take care of yourself.
Ugh, it really sounds like this doctor is freaky stupid. IF you still decide to stay with her PLEASE make sure you know exactly what’s going on going in and that you have someone else there (hubby or whoever) that can advocate for you when you are having baby Shaggy.
So glad Mr. Chicken will be there for you shortly. No one deserves to go through what you’ve dealt with alone.
Thinking of you and hoping that everything flows smoothly from here on.
You definitely can’t let this go. It’s not right – next time they may actually kill their patient with their neglect.
I am so sorry that you went through this Amy!! My God.
And yet you STILL write so eloquently.
Wow, what a story.
I know exactly what you went through, because I had a similar experience. I was in a hospital, where you would think you are safe, after having had a very bad reaction to a medication. But I was on a few and they didn’t know which it was, so they decided…THEY…to experiment. They hooked up an IV and administered the first medicine, and then LEFT THE ROOM. Within seconds my arm was on fire and then I couldn’t breathe and not a nurse or a doctor was anywhere to be found. I hit the button, and the nurses station said “He’ll be right there” and hung up on me. I lay there pulling at the IV and trying desperately to breathe for what seemed like hours before someone finally bothered to come see me. By then, it was epinephrine shots and oxygen and crash carts to put things right. If they had only stayed with me the whole 3 minutes instead of leaving me alone, none of it would have happened.
I wasn’t pregnant, and can’t imagine the fear you felt. So sorry you had to go through that.
That’s horrifying, and you have good reason to be angry. It struck me, when I had my son, that some in the medical profession are prone to treat mothers like you are secondary to the baby you are having. And while I desperately wanted him to be safe, I didn’t think that my safety should be treated as though it was less important.
Your life matters. The doctor should be taking responsibility and reassuring you, not making excuses. You and your husband can advocate for your health and the baby’s too.
So sorry you went through that, and good luck.
what stimey said. i wish i were there to help out right now.
sorry- i guess i just assumed you already made the choice to stay with this OB which is why i said to report her after henry is born (just so she doesn’t do anything stupid). if you switch (which i really think is best in your case) you should report her now- for sure. i just didn’t think you wanted to hear from me that your doc is a quack when she is the one who might be delivering you. i am sorry about the confusion of my earlier post. i was just trying to make you feel better. you should do what is right for you and your baby- even if that means switching OBs now.
Sends HUGE HUGE cyber *HUGS* in your direction… oh my god, I can’t believe they put you through that…
Hit ‘em with everything you got. Not just the law, but the media too. Law is one thing… but media can change people’s perceptions about something – you could destroy the name of that hospital if you wanted.
Switch OBs now, if you can. Otherwise… just push through it as best you can – it’s really only a few more days. Henry will be FINE. He’s a strong little boy with a mind of his own just like his mama and big sis! Once you’re settled and recovered – then sue them for malpractice.
You’ve every right to go medieval on their asses, and in a way, I hope that you do. But then I don’t wish anymore anxiety or anger on you than you’ve already experienced. Love to you Mrs. C.
OK, listen to me: I fired my doctor 24 hours before my first daughter was born. I’m not one to tell people what to do, I’m just letting you know it’s possible and it “happens all the time.” The most important thing is feeling safe and empowered when you bring the next president into this world.
As for looking for the good in this, that will come later, I’m sure of it. Someone with your brilliant skill will find a way.
I’m so sorry you almost died.
oh sweetie. I am shocked and angry too. Do what you need to do to feel safe. Please know we are all thinking if you guys.
xoxo
I know exactly how scared you were. I am allergic to peanuts and I have a severe reaction every time come into contact with the smallest amount. I carry an epi-pen in my purse. Eating out is like Russian roulette.
Also, having worked as a medical assistant prior to Thomas’ birth, I think that you should at least consider filing some kind of formal complaint against the nurse. Perhaps there were protocols that were not being followed?
At least the nurse was candid with you and didn’t brush you off like your doc. That’s some small measure of comfort there, I think.
So, so, sorry you had to go through this.
Give ‘em hell, your OB totally deserves it.
We WILL get together soon – as soon as I get back from Cleveland.
Take care and know you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh god, honey. I’ll be pulling for you all week and then some. Whatever you need, I’ll be sending you strength through these here computers of ours.
I would suggest talking to a lawyer. Just in case. Get this down, in writing, exactly what happened, who said what, etc.
Similar thing happened when my mom had a reaction to her iron–and the quack wanted to directly shoot it into her veins with a syringe after. My dad nearly punched him, ripped out the IV’s himself, and carried my mom out of there. He was worried the doc would kill her for some stupid iron supplement.
Unfortunately, she died within the year. But it wasn’t from a lack of iron.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find a hospital that treats you right. If you can stand a drive a few hours north, I had my baby in Madison and the Meriter nurses and docs were awesome, very professional and very in tune with our wishes. (They even use cloth diapers at the hospital.) It was a great place to have a baby. (Maybe you could “take a day trip vacation” and “Woops! I’m in labor!”???)
I’ll be thinking of you.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you’re doing OK since then.
You have every right to be furious. Lots of standard precautions were not followed, and you should make it a point to file a complaint with the medical board, if not consider a lawsuit, after he’s born.
Monitoring should have already been in place, and they should have been prepared for the possibility of a severe reaction. It’s insane that they disregarded so many precautions.
Amy!
I hope so many things right now- for one that Mr. C. is home r.i.g.h.t.n.o.w. and two that you’re able to sleep peacefully tonight and tomorrow and….
Something happened when I was in labor last time and it rocked me hard and it was years- longer- until I was able to have glimpses of peace around it, let alone get over it.
So, peace friend.
I’ve just caught up on your past couple of posts and my hands are shaking. I’m so sorry for all you’ve just been through—totally horrifying. So glad you and your little boy are still with us.
Mrs. C, you should be angry. You should be furious and you should NOT let this go. It should be reported. ESPECIALLY considering your OB is already being investigated…? Do I have that correct?
What happened to you was NOT okay. Not even near “okay” — no matter that you two are “fine” now. It’s not okay or fine at all.