There is something about Sundays that always make me sad.
Ever since I was a little girl, the late-afternoon sun at the end of a weekend makes me maudlin. I want to turn back the clock to Saturday morning when 24 hours were laid out in front of me like a banquet.
This Sunday I was like that from sunrise to sunset.
We had to take Shaggy for his first check-up at the pediatrician, so it was back to the hospital before 9:30 a.m. I woke up at 7:45 and for the next 90 minutes my husband displayed all of his worst qualities when it comes to parenting.
My mother is staying with us, and she has been incredibly helpful. Mr. C takes full advantage of that fact, preferring to let her tend to parenting tasks that really should fall to him. I asked him to take the boy from my mother and dress him.
Ever passive-aggressive, he pretended not to hear me. I repeated myself three or four times before I realized he was ignoring me. It is so embarassing when he acts like that in front of my mother. Or anyone, for that matter. If someone else is around to do his work, he will gladly let them.
It makes us both look bad.
We left the baby in his PJs, but in the car we argued.
I told him the task was his. He declared that we had three sets of hands and why should we “take an extra step” when the task can be done by someone else.
Sometimes he can be such an asshole.
I can’t stand it when he gets lazy like that. He sits and watches while his mother empties our dishwasher. What the fuck? I know he can do it - he did it while I was in the hospital.
But if someone else offers, he never refuses.
He did redeem himself by taking The Poo to the hotel where his mom and stepfather are staying for a morning at the pool. He kept her out all day long.
I stayed home with Shaggy and my mom, and we relaxed all day. Except for the part where my mother started in on me about how I don’t like her boyfriend.
And I don’t.
But I really don’t feel like discussing it just now.
I’m tired and frustrated and my incision hurts like a son of a bitch, and I haven’t pooped since Wednesday. Every time I pee my bladder goes into an angry spasm and I have to pee every five minutes because I’m drinking so much water, to facilitate the pooping.
Shaggy is unpredictable, sleeping for hours at a time and then waking five times in two hours. He ends up in bed with us - in our small double bed - making for a fitful rest, as I don’t want to roll over on him.
The Poo has a dreadful summer cold, compounding her hyper-sensitivity during this adjustment phase with her new sibling. I know the baby is going to catch it, as will I, and I am dreading it.
I want so much to just be able to get up and do my job, be The Mommy and get shit done. And I want my husband to stop acting like the few things he does do without being asked make him a hero. I want to be able to comfort my daughter.
That has been so hard. To tell her no, I can’t. Sunday, for the first time in weeks, I sat with her while she fell asleep. She was so grateful, her big eyes watering from her cold.
“Mommy!” she said. “Oh, mommy, thank you for sitting with me! Thank you for this special treat!”
My presence is a special treat to her now. And that breaks me.
I know I’m a hormonal mess. I know I just had major surgery. I know I am divided between falling in love with a my new son - and in love I am - and wanting to makes sure my beloved, precious girl knows how important she is to me.
I can’t do it all and I hate that. This will pass, but until it does, every day feels like Sunday afternoon.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:17 am
oh, sweetheart.
just know you’re loved.
that’s all.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:33 am
((you))
August 12th, 2008 at 3:37 am
Remember that the hormones, they are a-flowing. You DID just have major surgery and you are not sleeping and this is a big adjustment for all. Maybe Mr C is still trying to process everything?
August 12th, 2008 at 6:29 am
It’s probably going to be a slow ascent out of partum/post partum blues. The first few months are hard on everyone, but you gave Poo the best gift a parent can, a sibling. All this time she’s spending with Mr. C and her grandparents is necessary and good. It’s going to be alright.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:37 am
You’ve had a rough road over the last few weeks/months and you’ve got a lot on your plate. Dont be too hard on yourself. The Poo will be fine. You’re an excellent mother. The fact that you have all these concerns shows that.
If you are managing to breast feed then Shaggy hopefully won’t catch the Poo’s cold. Fingers crossed for all of you here cause that’s the last thing you need. Hope she feels better soon.
Keep fooling her up and reminding others to put her first when they come to visit so she feels a little extra special even though little man is threatening to steal the spotlight.
And as for Mr. C - hit him upside the head with a stool - or maybe just a rolled up newspaper. I hear post-natal care in prison isn’t so hot!
xoxo
Thinking of you.
August 12th, 2008 at 6:48 am
Truthfully? Just let her do the dishes and you worry about yourself.
I remember my midwife said “make sure to let me know if everyone around you is irritating you” and I said “everyone ALWAYS irritates me (when I was living with in-laws and husband was home ALL THE TIME) so how do I tell the difference.
Take it easy — try to keep Poo back from baby if you can (Drew caugh a cold from Quinlan VERY early on — he was fine, totally fine) — and GET BETTER.
xo
August 12th, 2008 at 6:55 am
Oh you’re about to make me a hormonal mess! You don’t need this right now! You need peacefulness and rest… hoping it comes to you today!
Steph
August 12th, 2008 at 7:15 am
I agree with Motherhood Uncensored. Your mom came to help, so let her. Yes, your husband is being a lazy ass, but when she’s gone, he won’t have a choice but to step up like he did while you were in the hospital. I know it’s frustrating, but try to enjoy your time with Shaggy while you have help.
And maybe Poo could snuggle with you while you’re feeding Shaggy? That way she gets some cuddle time and it might help her with you needing to be with him more - my older son loved to sit with me while I fed my younger - it kind of made him get how little he really was and get why he needed me so much at that time.
And the incision? Mine seemed to feel better when I had some sort of padding over it; something to keep it all tucked in tight if that makes sense.
Hang in there, you’re doing just fine. Hugs to you!
August 12th, 2008 at 7:17 am
My own husband comes from the same school of husband-hood/fatherhood, so I feel your frustrations. He should just do what you ask right now and not antagonize you during what is already a diffcult transition time. Boo, him!
take care.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Ugh. Boys (and I don’t mean Shaggy). Thinking of you and hoping that today feels like Tuesday.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Oh Mrs. Chicken. I know this part is hard. I remember it all too well - especially the part about having no time for #1 and how wrenching that is. I promise you, it does get better. It really does. In the meantime, I agree with the others - let your mom and mother-in-law help and relax. Mr. C. will step up again when he has to.
As an aside, Peanut had a horrible, horrible cold (that she caught from my mom, who was there to help) when I brought Loaf home from the hospital. And neither me nor Loaf ever got it. Those initial immunity vibes they have in the beginning can be pretty powerful. Fingers crossed that Shaggy and you stay well.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:40 am
I feel for you! I’ve been there, as you know. Let’s see, 1) I didn’t poop for a week after my 2nd was born and that sure adds to the hormonal crankies!
2) I can’t stand when anyone watches someone else do something they can or should be doing. Especially when you feel your mother is being taken advantage of. My husband does that kind of shit, too. But I agree that probably everything your hubby does right now is irritating and that in the grand scheme of things if he slacks now, it is ok. He’ll get his due after help has gone away.
Sending hugs.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:43 am
It will pass, you are right, but be gentle with yourself in the meantime.
I’m married to the same sort of man. It makes me crazy sometimes.
Good luck and good pooping.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Oh sweetie, you are so right, this will pass. Give it a month and you will be in a different mental place. I found it very difficult to go from one child to two. There were somethings that came very easy, like the comfort of knowing what to do with a baby and the confidence to know what I was doing was right. But the part where I was suppose to take care of 2 kids and a husband and a house and last (and very least) myself, yeah I was awful at that part.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:40 am
This is exactly how it was for me in the first week home after the births of both boys. I was weepy and angry, everyone was just being a total pain in the ass…
The adjustment is HARD, no question.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Amen on the husband and mother thing! I thought I was the only one who had that going on. At six weeks I totally bitched out the mister for “dropping out” and feel so much better. I was talking to doctors about post partum depression….and it lifted when I started really saying how I felt. This is your time to get things your way. Insist on it now or be pissed later.
The first six/eight weeks are so hard, but for the past few days (at eight weeks and a few days) I’ve even felt giddy and cheerful.
I sit with my kids while they fall asleep with the baby nursing. I tell them that Ruby wants to see them fall asleep too, and it seems to work for everyone.
Isn’t there a jazz tune about the sunday blues?
Best.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I know it is hard to not try to make sure everyone is doing what they need to do now, but just relax and enjoy the Poo and Shaggy. Mr. C will have to live with his choices, I wouldn’t think anyone would hold it against you for his lack of helping out. HUGS!!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Get the doctor to give you a suppository. Seriously.
The first child is a big adjustment for the mother, but the second is a big adjustment for the father when he realizes there is ALWAYS something he could be doing.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Husbands must have this in their genes. Work is for “other” people to do. If there is work to be done and family members to do it, then, by all means keep sleeping, or disappear into the bathroom for an hour.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:10 am
What I found to help with the belly after both of my c sections was to fold a pillow in half and hold it against my belly each time I had to get up and walk around the house. I found comfort with that. Sometimes I even kept it there while using the potty. Let your Mom help. When she is gone Mr. C will have no choice but to pick up all the stuff she was doing! And he will! Allow Poo to sit with you while you feed Shaggy and change his diapers.
No doubt this is the hardest time when going from one to two in time though it does get easier and becomes second nature. Sending some hugs your way!
August 12th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I promise, it does get better…I have one of those husbands too…he acts like he truly doesn’t get it…whatever! Anyway, it does get better!
As our counselor told him, “you have an IQ over 160, if you can’t remember garbage day, it’s because you don’t want to”
See, they know! It really does get better.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Involve the Poo as much as you can. It is tough, I know. My hubs was an ass especially after I had my first. (HUGS)
August 12th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
You’ve had enough wise advice, so I will just say, Hi, I was here and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you in this challenging time. Don’t get too sad and discouraged! Hormones, you know…
August 12th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I remember feeling much like this just a couple of months ago. Key word: remember…not that way now. And earlier todsy I was smiling at my boy singing to his little sister.
I know it seems overwhelming right now, especially if your recovery is not going as well as hoped (mine certainly didn’t), but in a few weeks this will be a memory. It’s a short time in the big picture, but I know it stinks big time when you’re in it.
Btw, my husband DID do all sorts of things around the house (and continues to do most of them) and I found that quite irritating. I think they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t around hormonal post-partum women.
August 12th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Oh, honey. I have no advice at all, but I have a feeling I’ll be posting something similar in a few months. Just think, by then, you’ll be all experienced and seasoned and will drop by my blog to tell me it’s all going to work out. So I’ll just say that - it will all work out.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Sunday afternoons are AWFUL. I have dreaded them since I was a little girl, and it only started getting better when I started getting drunk every Sunday night. (I don’t, anymore. It’s still better than it was before, though.)
Also, the early postpartum weeks are so terrible with the healing and the leaking and the pain and the differentness of it all. And then the hormones.
Soon this will all be comfortable and familiar to you, like an exciting Saturday morning.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
HUGS!!! I’m only glad you have this “place” to come to and vent. Just remember, we’re here all for YOU! I would be feeling just as you are now, about all of it. Unfortunately all you can do is walk through it. And know you can take refuge here and get tons of support as you need it. The Poo will be fine. I lived through it as a little girl, and I only remember the love I felt for my little brother. Really.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Sunday afternoons are for napping so go back to bed and get some rest. Getting stuff done is NOT for women who have recently had their middles cut open!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Sending a HUGE hug your way!!!
August 12th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Two most helpful things ever said to me when I had newborns
1. Your daughter got your undivided attention when she was a newborn. Now it is Shaggy’s turn. He needs you more now.Tis the circle of life. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
2. When you are feeling emotional, overwhelmed, and ready to kill your spouse: it’s time to take a nap!
August 12th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Caught this on Twitter. Just reading the exchange between your daughter and you brought back so many memories. It’s totally normal to feel so torn.
Make the most of every moment you can. I was wisely advised to have a basket of goodies like snacks, toys and books so that my son could sit with me while I breastfed my newborn. Having him close by helped me to relax. I still treasure those moments.
Accept all the help you can. I regret worrying about having a clean house and entertained guests.
TONS of hugs. Hormones will take you to places you’ve never been before.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Oh, you broke my heart.
I want to have a tea party with you and the Poo. And then the Poo would get bored so we could just chat and eat more oatmeal cookies (good for nursing and repairing the nervous system).
Your poor husband feels lost and useless and doesn’t know how to feel better about himself unless he makes other people do the things that a useless man could do.
Maybe you should schedule a facial for him and see if that helps.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Oh Mrs. Chicken, sweet mama, I am so sorry! It can only get better from here though, right? (Hugs)
August 13th, 2008 at 8:52 am
I have been dreading the same husband behavior when our new little man shows up any day now. And frankly any time his mom visits or we are on any sort of family display.
My advice, not that I always take it myself, is to NOT over compensate for his lazy-man behavior and not to make excuses for him. Believe me, I am all too aware of being actually embarrassed of this man I professed to wanting to spend the rest of my life with!
August 13th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I agree with MU as well. Yes, your husband should step up, but if he’s not going to, just let your mom do it. She’s there for you.
It’ll get better. Soon.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
You poor thing, I remember them feelings so well. Everything is probably annoying you, but fuck it, fuck the housework, fuck pleasing people. Just concentrate on your baby and your daughter and obviously take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you. Best wishes hon.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
And thus the hormone roller-coaster begins! Wheeee!
Your mom came to help, so follow Mr. C’s lead and let her feel helpful. Maybe he should take the Poo out for more Daddy/Daughter dates to make her feel special. And when you can, take her out yourself. I know you want to do everything, but you just can’t right now (I know it’s killing you - it’s a tough lesson to learn). Is it possible for Poo to “help” with feeding her brother? Like bringing you a burp cloth or just being in the same room and drawing pictures or singing songs.
Sending you hugs.
August 13th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Ahhhh, the hormones. I have nothing helpful to say about them, OR about asshole husbands. If it helps, Sean is now in his element with the boys. They are older and great fun, and he can spend days and days doing big kid stuff with them. This was the guy who NEVER changed a diaper.
HOT TIP: When my bigger boys were going to sleep, I nursed the baby in their room and then sat in the dark on the floor folding laundry and singing lullabies. I know they could have gone to sleep alone, but those night time moments were so lovely. The boys remember them still. AND MAN! My laundry hasn’t been so well folded and put away before or since!
August 13th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I really felt like the hormones were far worse the second time around. I know how you feel - I broke down crying in the hospital after Mira was born because Cordy was clearly upset with this new baby and with me not at home. I told Aaron I didn’t want this baby anymore and wanted to go home to my little girl. Yes, I changed my mind on that, of course, but it was a rough few weeks.
I’m sorry your husband isn’t being as helpful as he should be. I recommend setting him straight early on, demanding that he give you time off from the baby so you can still have one-on-one time with Poo a few times a week. Even 30 min. at a time is something.
And while you’re at it, demand some time for yourself. You need as much sleep and rest as possible to recover. Hot showers, too.
August 14th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Just to play devil’s advocate here, but I would imagine that your husband is feeling just as tired and overwhelmed by the arrival of the new baby as you are. I am sure that having you go through a c-section was traumatic for him, as it was for my partner. I am sure that he is up as much as you, even if he “pretends” to be asleep. He knows the help is there, so of course he wants to allow that help the chance to help, becasue it won’t last long. Try to empathize a bit, I know you have hormones raging through your body, I know you are the one who gave birth, but that doesn’t make his feelings any less valid. Try not to isolate him or make him feel worthless, and he will support you more. If you feel like lashing out, try to relax and realize that it is all ok, it is ok to take the baby to the dr. in his jammies, it is ok to let things go, and try to enjoy each other and this new time getting to know your son and helping your daughter to adjust. It will all get better soon, I promise!
August 16th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
I completely hear every word you are saying. It is so hard at first, especially with physical discomfort. It does get easier. It really does.
(Although husbands who feel great about themselves when they “help out” drive me crazy. It’s called “parenting,” not “babysitting.”)
August 17th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
[...] I told you I hate Sunday afternoons. [...]