Please welcome my esteemed guest poster, Emily, from Wheels On The Bus. I’ve long admired her writing and her attitudes toward parenting. Enjoy!
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When I am with my sons, women ask me, “Is this one a girl?” A half dozen times each day, someone (usually but not always a woman) takes in the two-year-old and the almost-four-year-old and asks, half-admiringly, half-mockingly, “Is the girl in there?” while pointing at the gigantic region formerly known as my belly.
I smile and reply, “Actually, this time it is.” The questioners reply with a glee that far exceeds the usual joy one ought to feel about a stranger’s reproductive system, assuming that I had been pining away for a female child to whom I could pass along the secrets of womanhood. Their joy implies that we had tried – unsuccessfully – twice before to create a girl-child, only to be saddled with these unwieldy male-children instead.
Then, I spent a weekend away from my sons, and suddenly everyone was assuming I was carrying a boy. From the size of me, they probably should have assumed I was carrying four boys, but because I tend to carry all out front, they figured they knew the sex of the baby. “No,” I replied. “This is just how I carry.”
Just by looking at me, carrying all out front (with a generous counterweight around back), they made a gigantic assumption about my not-yet-born child. Because they did not know I had two sons, they were free of the bias that I must have tried for the girl.
We hadn’t tried. In fact, we hadn’t planned on a third child, at all. But, along she came, determined to live a life of chasing around older brothers, and in two months she will come on out to begin her life of perpetual younger sisterhood. She will also emerge to a sea of assumptions that people will make about her because of the nature of her genitalia.
They will assume she likes pink, even if teal is her favorite color (please, please, not teal). They will assume she wants to wear dresses and play with dolls and keep her hair long and nurture and do the verb form of bead. As she grows older, they will assume her strength is verbal, not mathematical. They will treat her confidence as aggression until they beat it out of her. And as she grows even older, people will assume she is interested in boys.
Boys will assume she does not know what she is talking about when she says “no.”
When she goes into the workplace, bosses will assume she is a risk because she might have children and leave the workforce. They might assume she cannot be as serious about her career as are her brothers. They will assume that she is a team-player instead of a leader, a consensus-builder but not an innovator. And they will assume they can pay her less.
No, we did not try for the girl. Frankly, most days I wonder if I am up for the challenge of raising one.
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Wow, Emily.
Your brilliance is white-hot here. I share similar concerns about future pregnancy that may involve a female child. Thanks for saying it in a way that I simply never could.
Thank you so much! That was well said. Here’s hoping that at least some of those assumptions will be a thing of the past by the time our daughters reach adulthood.
I hear you. Thanks for sharing a great post.
Wow. What an excellent and well-written post. Lovedlovedloved it.
When I was out and about without my other two children while pregnant with number three, strangers would find out I was carrying #3 and ask “Oh! Do you have boys or girls at home?” As if it couldn’t be possible to just want another child. (We had one of each already.)
People make assumptions about everything, don’t they?
I had the same thing when I had my (surprise) third who was a boy (after my two girls) – everyone was like “ahh..you finally got your boy”. But let me tell you – if your girls are like mine – nobody will have a chance to assume ANYTHING about them. They will TELL them. My 6 year-old is more assertive (sometimes bossy) and in charge than you can imagine. Nobody is going to tell her what she likes or what she can do. She will SHOW them. I’m sure yours will be the same. After teaching her older brothers a thing or two!
Absolutely brilliant!
Three girls on this end and oh the, “Oh, another girl? I’m sorry” comments that I got. The idea that we yearn for something other than what we get irks me.
I hope that she is healthy, robust and passionate about the color green
I believe that when you keep on actively struggling against assumptions you only strengthen them. After all, we all know _your child_ doesn’t conform to those assumptions. But by advertising that you fill the role of something other than the assumption, you acknowledge that that there are plenty who do.
Don’t fight it, just do what’s right. We’re really hung up on gender roles in the US. The less credit we give to those who further gender stereotypes, the faster we can get rid of them.
I am so glad I stumbled upon this site.
This broke my heart to read because it’s so true. When I was pregnant, I was convinced that I was having a boy. I was terrified of having a girl. We left the gender a surprise.
Needless to say, at delivery, I heard my husband tell me: “Babe, it’s a girl!”
We love her to pieces, but remain scared about what she’ll face in the future.
“They will treat her confidence as aggression until they beat it out of her.”
This line, and the whole post, was brilliant, Emily. And don’t worry, you definitely do have it in you to raise a girl, or any child. Being aware of the challenges facing that child, and guarding against them, is half the battle.
PS.
Having had two girls first, everyone thought I must be so overjoyed at being pregnant with a boy the third time around. I was, in fact, waffling between slightly disappointed and mortified. (All’s well now, as you know, I’m loving having a boy).
What is up with the world assuming if you don’t have something that you need it. We have two girls and people are always asking when we are trying for the boy as hubby must be disappointed. As if my only goal in life is to produce a healthy male heir to carry on the name.
So well written about girls, you are ready for the girlie challenge, altho I have to tell you that this tween to teen thing is a real bitch. I have a hard enough time dealing with my hormones let alone dealing with and keeping in check two other person’s worth of hormones.
Wow! That was good!
A daily battle in the workplace for me:
“They will treat her confidence as aggression until they beat it out of her.”
Great post, truly. We get the opposite. I’m having a boy in a month or so, after two girls and I get tired, so tired of the, oh a boy comments, like it mattered to me; like we did it, just for a boy. The boy who will like cars and dinosaurs and will never play dress up or want nail polish with his sisters. The boy who will play football and get dirty and never want to shower.
I’ll tell you, I worry about a boy as much as you worry about a girl. Somehow, I bet we’re both up to the challenge.
Yes, a brilliant post. I have two daughters, and I’m struggling with Barbie and grandparent’s aghast that I paint my three year old son’s nails. He asked for it.
Their joy implies that we had tried – unsuccessfully – twice before to create a girl-child, only to be saddled with these unwieldy male-children instead.
Is this a totally fair assumption, though? Perhaps some of them had wished for a girl, not because they’re dissatisfied with their boy children, but because they really wanted to experience what it was like to have a girl and never got the chance to.
Of course you are. We have chatted a bit about your theories on gender and I believe you are uniquely qualified to raise just the type of the girl the world needs…:-)
As much as a joke about the curse of having boys in my blog, there are so many things about having a girl that seem more challenging . . .
Not liking pink barely even scratches the surface.
(And just for the record . . .I’ve always hated pink
I actually had 2 mothers of girls (girlie moms with girlie girls) look at me with pity and say, “Aww. 3 boys!” like I was cursed or something. Little did they know how much easier boys are to raise (from what I’ve seen). Not to say you’ll have trouble with your little girl!!
I’ve tried hard to put into words the frustration I feel about this exact same thing – I’m 2 months from having a girl and have a 3.5 year old boy and people say things like “Oh, now your family is perfect!” But I actually struggled with the news that I was having a girl, because I feel like it will be harder somehow – maybe, like you more eloquently wrote, because I know more about what she will encounter as a female.
Great post – thanks for writing it.
Yes, yes, and yes. I also have two boys and one girl. Did not TRY for any of them and love them for the perfect beings they are…and for the record having a girl still scares the heck out of me. Oh the pressure we put on the unborn and young in this country just based on their gender.
I too worry about raising my girl. Although I think my worry is that I was so non-traditional, non-stereotypical — what will I do if she is? What if she wants to dance, and likes pink?
I think we worry about raising all our children. But I know we can do it well.
You’ve got it in you. Trust me.
Another stunner, Em.
powerful, poignant post. i wanted a girl, though not for the pink. and the princess stuff scares the crap out of me, as do all the assumptions that will be placed upon her. but so do many of the assumptions that are placed upon my gentle, sweet-natured boy…overall, sometimes i think just raising kids given the boxes society tries to shove them in is heartbreaking.
Emily
What a thoughtful post– I am so looking forward to listening in as you discover what makes your daughter tick.
I am loving raising a daughter (although as this is number one, I don’t have anything to compare it to!) I think that we can strive to be good role models for our daughters so that we can provide the support that they need as they go forth into this world.
I have two daughters and in just a few paragraphs you summed up the vast majority of my fears for them as they mature into adults. Excellent post, so happy to “know” you now.
you don’t need to have those fears for her…she’s going to be strong and feisty and powerful, like her mother.