You’re going to think that I didn’t give birth, since all I write about is The Poo.
I did, indeed, give birth to a son, and I have the scar to prove it. He is a darling little boy who is as good as gold so far. I’m smitten with him, but we’re still getting to know each other.
But me and The Poo? We’re like peanut butter and jelly. I know her inside and out.
And right now, I know she is having a really hard time.
She has been manic since we brought Shaggy Boy home. She can’t stop fidgeting. She can’t seem to locate her inside voice. She dances, prances, preens and pouts. She twirls wildly through the toys littering the living room floor, tripping and frantically telling stories.
She stops, just for a moment, to lean over and kiss her brother’s head while I hold him in my arms.
“Oh, he is a gorgeous babe,” she whispers. “I love him!”
Then she leaps on the sofa, body arching over the baby’s, and presses her head into my belly, hard.
“Do you still love me?” she asks, her voice finally cracking, showing me the soft, insecure spot inside her that is throbbing with hurt.
She’s working so hard, so very very hard, to make sure we still see her.
Part of me is impatient; snappish from the pain and the sleepless nights that come with a newborn. Shaggy is sleeping for a good four to five hours at a stretch, but sleep interrupted is not restful. I need a good eight hours to function in top form, and I haven’t had that long a rest in at least four months.
So I speak in a tight voice, asking her for the 10th time to please, don’t or stop that or listen to me now!, and she ratchets up the volume even higher.
Do you still love me?
Do you still see me?
I’m here, too, mama.
I know she is here. She is as dear to me as my own soul. She is the sun in our small universe, and her rays shine just as brightly as they did before. We have a son now, the moon to her celestial brightness, calm and serene and blue-eyed, looking up at me with a perfect mouth, listening as his sister chatters away the afternoons.
I love them both, these two, the yin and yang of my life.
I wish I could tell her that she doesn’t need to work so hard. My eyes are big enough to see them both.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, yes.
This is JUST how it was for me.
Ten was so hurt. He didn’t understand that “my eyes were big enough to see them both” (to use your beautiful words).
God, now that I think of it, he STILL doesn’t understand that.
It broke my heart. It continues to break my heart.
Soldier on, Mrs. C.
Awwww I recall those days with more than a bit of melancholy. My twins were three and Zack was new.
We survived, not very gracefully at times, but we made it.
Your words, so eloquent and graceful. So thoughtful.
You’ll make it mama…you and poo and your boy.
Perfectly normal for her to feel that way. The same with you. This is a hard time.
The best thing you can do is get her to help you with the baby. ‘Confide’ in her like ‘Oh NO! He has pooped AGAIN! Help me?’
Moo loved that. And she was only 20 months old when her sister was born. The girls were 5 & 7 when their brother was born and were amazingly helpful, cause helping means more attention, you know what I mean?
Giggles had a hard time as well when Chicken came around. Well once she realized that she wasn’t an instant playmate. At least once a week during naptime we would plan something special for just the two of us. That seemed to help her out a lot.
It’s still early days, give her some time to adjust. She’ll settle down and the extra reassurance doesn’t hurt.
Ah yes, the LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! phase of a new sibling coming home. I remember it well. It will get better, but I’m sure you know that.
They do seem to be opposites right now – my first born was the same way; now they BOTH compete for the attention.
And the sleep thing? I haven’t had a night of solid, straight through sleep, well…maybe a couple here and there, but not for any significant length of time…since Matt was born… (he turns 5 on the 21st). So I feel you.
Ok, what Slouchy said, same here. Lovely post.
She’ll get there, that sweet girl of yours. She will. About the time you fully feel like you know him, she will too. Be patient, with her and yourself, it will come.
I remember it being wild for a week or two after new babies. The older ones were, as you said, manic. Threatened.
Unfortunately, everything seemed so irritatingly LOUD to me those early weeks. All their sounds reverberated in my head and it was all I could do not to beg them to shut up and stop swinging the door or hammering on the workbench toy or whatever.
Here’s where I advertise my crappy mom-ness to the World Wide Web: I think it helped when I laid the baby/ies down and let them cry while I attended to my toddler(s). I felt terrible and stressed and guilty, but it was sort of the bedtime routine — babies cry themselves sick and Mommy shouts a bedtime story to the older kids in the next room. I think it helped a little to let them see me choose them over the baby once a day, since the rest of the time the baby’s needs were always first.
But it does pass! You are in transition and that’s a sucky place to be.
Wow ~ your words are just so beautiful!!
You sure are a wonderful mother and your children are lucky to have you!!
I am sure Poo will come to realise that she is still in your heart ~ just as much as she always was.
love and hugs XXXX
I went through this about nine months ago. I was surprised how heartbreaking it was to have to divide your love up between two people throughout the day. I couldn’t hold my son as much as I had held my daughter when she was my one and only, and that made me sad.
But now, they are bffs, already wrestling on the floor and oblivious to me because they’re so enthralled with each other.
That time will come sooner than you think and it will melt your heart right back together.
This is a beautiful post. I don’t even have children, but your words pained my heart. Praying for you and your family during your transition…
It gets better, it really really gets better. I promise!
I make sure to point out to my kids whenever D (the baby) has to wait because I’m busy with them. They seem surprised about it most of the time because they think I just help D first all the time.
Make it a point to say “Sorry Shaggy, you’ll have to wait a little bit, I’m helping sister right now!”
Lots of kisses and ice cream from dad and g-mom and you when you can.
It all comes around full circle.
Beautiful, beautiful post. Someday, when she is older, she may read that(?) and I can’t imagine how loved she will feel.
“I wish I could tell her that she doesn’t need to work so hard. My eyes are big enough to see them both.”
Simply lovely.
No real words of wisdom here, just understanding and appreciation.
This post made me cry because it spoke from exactly where I was a little less than one year ago.
i was there…really…there. exactly where you are right now, just over a year ago!
what makes it a little easier for the big sister?? (not that you asked for my advice…)
jobs. mommy’s best helper. telling her about all the wonderful things that she can do (that the baby can’t do!). telling and retelling how she came to be and her birth story. videotaping her singing and dancing for the baby.
i’m not perfect…but looking back…all of those things seemed to help her transition, better.
luck to you. i’ll be thinking about you and yours.
Oh little girl. She is so sweet
wow. this spoke to me so completely. my sons are 6 months and 2 years & 6 months, and this transition period has been hard. it’s getting better and better each day as i learn to just let little things go, and learn to adjust to life with less sleep.
the yin and yang of my life…i know exactly what you mean. beautifully spoken. thank you for this post!
One of the first posts of yours I read was shortly after you found out you were pregnant, I think. And you were anxious about just this. This does pass, but it takes about 6 months for you and the firstborn to start knowing each other again.
Beautiful post.
I felt the same way when my second was born. I did not have a blog back then, but I did have one of those old fashion paper journals and my entries were all about my older girl and how I missed her and worried about her.
It is a hard transition.
Cordy did a lot of the same when Mira was born. She was crazy manic, doing everything she could to get attention. She ignored Mira entirely, but her behavior took a dramatic dive and she became so, so needy.
I can tell you that it does get better – a lot better. You’ll probably want to give both kids away at some point before it happens, but eventually she’ll calm down once she gets used to her brother and realizes that just because he’s here doesn’t mean she’s going anywhere.
I could see this happening if I were to have a second child, as I see it happening with my Little Dude whenever others are around. He needs to know I’m his and he’s mine, and I wish I could find a way to let him know that will never change – no matter what life throws at us.