The hospital becomes familiar quickly.
After five years of navigating the medical system while my father lived with and then ultimately died from cancer, I got to know how hospitals work.
You have to finesse the nurses; doctors swoop in and out. It’s the nurses who deliver meds on time and fetch extra pillows and bedding.
The cafeterias close early. Get dinner before 7 p.m. or you’re out of luck, Jack. Vending machines won’t take Canadian quarters and the coffee you get from in-room dining always sucks.
It feels like I just left the hospital. Shaggy Boy was born just 38 days ago, and he and I left here just 48 hours after his birth, to begin our lives as a family of four.
I didn’t expect to be back so soon.
I’m on the fold-out couch in his room, which is, mercifully, private. All the rooms on the pediatric floor here are singles. The floor, newly remodeled, looks almost exactly like the post-partum room where I held him for the very first time.
Except this room has a crib in it.
I’m looking at my son, clad in his Hanna Andersson jammies. They don’t have feet - all the better to monitor his oxygen via a small clip on his big toe.
Last night we were getting ready to go to dinner when Shaggy’s stridor started to act up. I watched him struggle, clearly in distress, and at one point he stopped breathing for a split second. My mother’s intuition kicked in as I looked at the hollow of his throat, and watched him suck it in so hard that it looked like the skin would touch the back of his neck.
He was retracting. His throat and his chest were hollowed, out as his belly worked hard while he tried to inhale.
I called the night nurse and waited on hold for an eternity. The boy’s breathing resolved in that time, and I decided to keep watching him, and if it got worse we’d skip the nurse and go straight to the ER.
Then he slept through the night.
Thinking we were out of the woods, and knowing we had an appointment at the children’s hospital in St. Louis this coming week, I wasn’t expecting our pediatrician to call this morning.
She read the notes, both from his well-baby visit (another doc saw him for that) and from last night’s call. Come in now, said her nurse.
Just bundle him up and we’ll meet you when you get here.
Four hours later I answered questions and watched while a nurse took his blood pressure with an obscenely wee ankle cuff.
We’ll be here until Monday, when the pediatric pulmonologist will sedate him and put a camera down his poor, small throat to determine exactly what is obstructing his breathing. They don’t want us home, in case he has an emergency.
Emergency. Breathing. My baby.
Words not meant to go together. Words that jar the heart. Words that scare me.
I know we’re safe here, that if something were to happen that he would be safer here. That doesn’t stop me from hating the fact that I can navigate to the coffee shop with dreadful ease, after only half a day spent here.
I don’t want to get to know this hospital.
I want Monday to come, and I want the doctor to put his hand on my arm and smile. I want him to tell me that my baby is going to be fine, just fine, and all of this was simply a wise precaution taken by a conservative pediatrician.
I want to go home.
I don’t want to sit here, in the late summer afternoon sun, and watch my son sleep in a hospital crib.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Oh I’m so sorry.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Long time lurker, first time commenter. I wish I did not know the feeling deep in the gut that you are experiencing. My son (6wks old at the time) had open heart surgery at St. Louis Children’s. He has a rare genetic heart defect that was not found until he was in heart failure. 6wk olds should not be in heart failure. I completely understand where you are now. I was there a little over a year ago. He is wonderfully healthy thanks to the kind, competent, patient, resourceful, fabulous staff there. They are top notch… I would trust my son to no one else. They will find Shaggy’s troubles… The Ronald McDonald house there is fantastic and very reasonable if you need it. It is very close to the hospital yet far enough away to catch a good meal in the evening (free) and some sleep.
I wish I knew you personally, in real life… you seem really sweet and real and down to earth. I would buy you coffee and let you cry and yell and curse. I did plenty of that when my babe was there.
I will pray for you and your family and the docs and nurses.
I am very sorry you have to experience this.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I’ve been in EXACTLY that same place with a five day old baby. If you need a shoulder or an ear that’s been there, PLEASE email me.
Hugs. What a sucky thing.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I’m sorry, that sounds so terribly scary. I hope all goes well tomorrow and it’s an easy fix. Praying for you all.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
*curse*
prayer sent for health and for home soon.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
heh.
I just swore and then prayed. Good thing He gets it.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Yikes! We are sending our love and hope your way.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
thinking of you more than you know….
September 13th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
coming out from the shadows to pass on well wishes and prayers. i so hope this goes well for you and that you are all able to go home soon. and ditto on the hospital thing with dads with cancer. no one should be able to pace those tiled floors with their eyes closed. ugh.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Oh, Mrs. C, you and Shaggy are in my thoughts.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
sorry, a. at least the docs are on top of it.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Wishing it wasn’t so and hoping it is alright very soon. Much love to you and your little Shaggy.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Oh no. I’m so very sorry you have to go through this. I can’t even begin to imagine. My thoughts are with you.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
You’re in my prayers.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
You and your family, especially Shaggy boy are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need an ear I too know what you are going through with a newborn in the hospital. Many hugs!
September 13th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
thinking of you and your little one. Hang in there!
September 13th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Jesus. I am so sorry you have to be there, but I know you know it’s the best place to be right now- and it’s just now, for a few days, a blip on the radar and Monday will bring you the all clear, or a clear answer so you know what to do next.
Really, I’m sorry.
September 13th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Sending prayers your way…
September 13th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
You and Shaggy are in my thoughts. I know all too well about breathing issues and watching your son struggle to breathe, watching as he intakes with each breath…scary stuff. I hope you find out what is troubling Shaggy on monday and that you can go quickly home after.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I saw a lot of cases like this when I worked last quarter on the pulmonary floor at Columbus Children’s. Know that pediatrics is the one field where they will always play it very safe and err on the side of caution.
But I know it can be terrifying to be in a hospital with your baby, wondering just what’s wrong and how bad it is. If you want to chat, I’m on gmail and I’m on AOL IM as amommystory.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Oh I’m so sorry! I understand that “oh-I-so-wish-hospitals-were-not-familiar feeling.” Thinking of you tonight and praying for your sweet baby.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Spent a couple days last week watching my 9 year old sleep in similar surroundings. It is not easy. Hang in there and I will pray monday comes quickly and so do answers.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
sending love, hugs, prayers, happy thoughts and wishes that monday comes very, very soon full of good news.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
What a scary, terrible time you are going through right now. I know that no words will ease your fear…..except those from a doctor. So just know there is one blog lurker out there who is thinking and praying that your gorgeous little man is going to be OK.
September 13th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
I was there 2 years ago. Except I didn’t know what stridor was, and when the nurse asked me if he was retracting I didn’t even know what that meant.
It’s so very, very scary. But like Owen, I just know that Shaggy is going to be all right.
I just know it.
September 13th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I am so sorry and I will be praying hard for you.
September 13th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
You’re in my thoughts. I can’t even imagine.
Love you! Take care friend!
September 13th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I know just what you mean. Quinn and I were admitted to our children’s hospital when he was just a little guy, and it is terrible. I will be thinking of you and Shaggy. I believe that you will be home on Monday, and I am sending as many good wishes as I can.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Oh little Shaggy, feel better soon.
Waiting for Monday and sending you our best.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
So sorry you’re in the hospital waiting and worrying. It’s awful, but truly the best place you could be. Sending tons of good thoughts and energy and prayers your way…
September 13th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
My heart aches for you, for your Shaggy - and the Poo and Mr. C, too. Sending the bestest of wishes…
September 14th, 2008 at 4:22 am
I’m a bit late coming but I’m thinking of you lots.
Hope to hear the same good news soon
xx
September 14th, 2008 at 6:41 am
I’ve been through this routine as well and know exactly how you’re feeling. There’s nothing in the world like the fear of watching your child cease to breath and turn blue. I’m always here too if you need a ear to bend Amy. You’ll get through this, he’s in wonderfully competent hands and those of us out here who care for you and yours will certainly be holding you in our hearts.
September 14th, 2008 at 7:06 am
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope Monday brings reassurances for you, and that Shaggy has no more scary episodes.
September 14th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Thinking of you guys.
September 14th, 2008 at 8:12 am
oh my, I take a couple weeks off and you wind up in the hospital! Cal had a really rough first week of his life in and out of the hospital, breathing issues, heart murmur, really high temperature, three spinal taps (spinal taps!), during which I cried pretty much continuously. Shaggy will emerge from this scare perfectly fine - and a year from now, you’ll marvel at how strongly you held on to him, and he to you.
September 14th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Amy, it goes without saying that you are in our thoughts and prayers. We hold you guys close to our hearts, especially that precious baby boy. It sounds like you are in a wonderful place where the staff is taking great care of him.
*hugs*
Audrey
September 14th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Sick baby is the worst thing in the world. Hang in there.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:18 am
I’m sorry, but so glad you are there and in good hands. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, and hoping that they find something easily remedied so that you can go home soon with a baby who can breathe easily. Until then, none of us will.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:50 am
When I sent you the recipe I must not have read this whole post.
You are in the best place. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some answers and a plan towards resolution.
My little guy had to have surgery when he turned one for a genetic defect, and although it wasn’t life threatening the surgery almost killed ME. I think it was my most stressful moment ever to hand my baby over to the surgical team.
Stay strong, little family.
September 14th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
aw poor baby and mama! hope you two can go home healthy tommorrow.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I just logged on to Twitter and saw all these hospital references from you. A lot can change in a few days. Thinking of you and wishing for the best.
J.
September 14th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Thinking of you. (((((Amy)))))
September 14th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
I already read your next post, so I know he’s doing okay… but I’m so sorry. We took Sam to the ER once for breathing problems and it was just really scary. I hope you’re holding up, I’ll be thinking about both of you & hoping you get some answers.
September 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
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September 19th, 2008 at 9:44 am
We had youngest DD in the hospital when she was 10 days old for the exact same thing. She was scoped and monitored and it was determined she had an underdeveloped esophagus as well as GURD and sleep apnea. Until I read your post, I had forgotten about the stridors and raspy breathing.
She was on meds and an apnea monitor for a short time and Thankfully she outgrew it in a matter of months and now is a happy, healthy 12 yo.
Hang in there….you’ve got lots of love and support out here.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
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November 16th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
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