I spent yesterday morning at the coffee shop where I do my writing.
I had three glorious, child-free hours, half of which was spent having coffee with a friend. The babysitter I hired two weeks ago came at 8:30, and I delivered Shaggy into her capable hands, gave her the TV remote and left with The Poo in tow.
I left the girl at school and made my way to my “office.”
As I pulled into a parking spot and fed the meter, I felt the tension in my shoulders begin to lessen. Sure, I had another sleepless night, and yes, I ended up with not one, but two, kids in my bed this morning. But nothing could change the fact that I was alone for the first time in such a long, long time.
I haven’t been alone since the end of July.
Alone, with my Macbook and my cup of coffee, and my thoughts.
As I walked out my door I looked back at Shaggy and felt the slightest twinge of guilt. After all, I was leaving him with someone else for the first time, and he’s only five weeks old. The Poo was two months before I even considered leaving her with a sitter.
I wasn’t guilty for leaving him.
No.
I felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
It was such a relief to sit down and have more than five minutes to myself. If I want to write in our house, I have to literally take my laptop into the bathroom with me, because that is the only time I can shut the door on my husband and kids.
Even then, someone small usually barges in to tell me something very urgent; you know, like “Little Einsteins” is over and could I please put it on again?
Last time I had a newborn I allowed my entire being - mind, body and soul - to be consumed by motherhood. I functioned only in that role. I even left “wife” behind for awhile, making my marriage more difficult than it needed to be.
I won’t do that this time. I need to work, and in order to work I need to leave the house. The paycheck is very important, yes, very important.
Even more important is my ability to maintain some healthy boundaries for myself. I am more than a mommy. I am a person, too. I can’t be the mother I want to be unless I can find a way to be the woman I have to be.
Some may judge me for leaving my new baby so blithely, but tell the truth. Don’t you feel better when you can breathe? When you have an hour without another human being literally attached to your body?
I know I do. And while I may feel a little guilty for not feeling more guilty, that is a price I am more than willing to pay.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:22 am
“I can’t be the mother I want to be unless I can find a way to be the woman I have to be.”
So true!
September 13th, 2008 at 12:37 am
I think you have a very healthy attitude about motherhood and about autonomy and about not getting lost in the role of Mother. It is such a sad thing when you find out that’s all you have been after so many years. A “dedicated, self sacrificing” Mom.
No, your way is better and I wish I had known that when I was younger and didn’t wait to realize that until after my kids were grown and gone.
Set yourself free and set them free as much as possible. You’ll all like each other better when you meet again. No apron strings to suffocate all of you.
September 13th, 2008 at 1:21 am
just because you’re a mom, doesn’t mean you aren’t a person. You need downtime, too.
September 13th, 2008 at 6:00 am
I thinking that knowing what makes you a better person makes you a better mom - leave the guilt at the door, do what is best for you and the rest falls in place!
You are doing great!
September 13th, 2008 at 7:48 am
I think all moms do that with the first child. Good for you for taking your time. You deserve it. Now, if I could only do that myself. sigh. You have encouraged me to get out of this house, alone, today!
September 13th, 2008 at 8:01 am
Finally! Someone else admits feeling guilty about not feeling guilty! (Virtual high-five, sister!)
Good for you - sometimes a little time alone makes everything wrong seem right again.
September 13th, 2008 at 8:34 am
A-freaking-men!
September 13th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I wish I had learned to appreciate my alone time earlier in the girls’ lives. The Chicken was in 2nd grade before I didn’t freak out being alone, But now I love the alone time. I need it, crave it. Good for you hon! Enjoy your time!!
September 13th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Yes, yes, and yes. Except the part about feeling guilty for not feeling guilty. Let that part go, my friend.
If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
September 13th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Good for you! Don’t feel guilty and ENJOY the time - you deserve it!
September 13th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I always heard other moms talk about how hard it was to leave their baby for the first time. The worry and guilt about leaving the little infant with a babysitter to go out and have some adult time or a date with their partner. But I never felt it. I don’t know if it’s because I spent 24/7 with my kid, or if it’s because I’ve always had family/babysitters that I TOTALLY trusted with the baby, but I’ve never felt that guilt. I have felt weird and guilty about NOT feeling it though, so I know exactly what you mean! I’ve known from the beginning - I need my own time, time to myself to be my own person. Luckily I have a husband who is very supportive of that. We all need to stop feeling guilty because Jordan has it exactly right - if we aren’t happy, neither is anyone!
September 13th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Three hours? Not even enough time to begin to feel guilty about not feeling guilty. It sounds like a perfect arrangement. Enjoy it. Coffee, friends, the work, being alone, all of it.
September 13th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I am happy that you understand you must be you even if you are a new mom again. That is something it take some people a very long time to figure out. I NEED my me time…So I take it and know that when I do it makes me a happier, better mommmy to my girls.
September 13th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I think this is such a valid topic and not necessarily related to working vs stay-at-home parents. Regardless of how you spend it - working, exercising, meeting with friends - time away, to yourself, with your own thoughts and ideas, is extremely valuable. Well said!
September 13th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Srsly. So glad you see that, b/c I see it, and it’s one of my fears now that we’re trying for #2, that it will kill my career. So you’re not only taking care of yourself and your family by doing this, you’re giving other mamas like me hope that it can be done! (For whatever that’s worth to you.)
September 14th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Oh, I love this sentence:
“Even more important is my ability to maintain some healthy boundaries for myself. I am more than a mommy. I am a person, too. I can’t be the mother I want to be unless I can find a way to be the woman I have to be.”
That so perfectly captures it… wonderful! Thank you.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I understand this. It’s hard to find mothers who admit to needing to work to be happy. Thank you for voicing it.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:55 am
I can relate to this. I went shopping on my own the other weekend. I walked back into a shitstorm, but that hour or two was fantastic.