Been there, done that.
Just like riding a bicycle.
Deja vu all over again.
Everything old is new again.
***
I was cocky going in, that’s for sure. I’ve done this before, remember? I have a thriving three-year-old, whose current fascinations are choosing chapter books from the library and adding words she knows to a list we keep on the refrigerator. She’s also got a new girl-crush in the form of Lily, the new kid at preschool.
The Poo, she’s thriving right now, despite the gazillion times a day when I tell her “just a minute,” or “you have to wait.”
I’m not failing at being a mother.
No.
I’m just failing at being Shaggy’s mother.
***
He isn’t like The Poo was, or at least, this isn’t the way I remember it.
I knew there would be sleep deprivation, and fussy times and plenty of garden-variety frustrations. Newborns are tough nuts. You have to hold on and go for the ride with them as they learn to navigate the world.
I mean, they’re basically exposed nerve endings at this stage. That’s uncomfortable. I get that, really, I do.
Shaggy is unpredictable, even as babies go. His sleep patterns are so erratic—for example, last night he slept from 10:30 p.m. to 5 a.m., went back to sleep at 5:30 and is still sound asleep now at 8:45—that I cannot even pretend to start getting him on a schedule.
He wants to eat two ounces of food every 45 minutes, or he wants six ounces and then won’t eat again for seven hours.
The periods when he is content are few and far between. The smiles I captured last week are fleeting, although heart-wrenchingly sweet. His stridor wakes him from his infrequent naps and makes feeding him an athletic event, for both of us.
I love him so much, and I worry so much. I am grateful that he isn’t suffering from some really awful disease, which I feared when we went into the hospital recently.
Right now, though, I feel wretched and overwhelmed, exhausted and sick. I have a sinus infection that clouds my perceptions even more. My tendencies toward PPD loom large right now, although I am not quite there yet. I realize this is a stage, and that all things must pass.
Yes, pass it will, and I’ll mourn the days when my son fit in my arms just so. I’ll mourn the intimate moments we share in the red light of dawn, when I trace his eyelids with my finger while he sleeps.
I believed I knew what I was doing. I was so sure of myself, so confident I would handle these first few months with aplomb this time around.
The truth is, you forget. You forget the hard parts and all you remember is the scent of their small bodies when they’re tucked against your neck. You forget that babies are human beings, too, and each one of them is different.
I will forget this, too.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Aww, I hope Shaggy gets into a (predictable) routine for you soon! ((HUGS)) to you! I hope you feel better soon, too!
September 24th, 2008 at 9:19 am
It sounds to me like you are doing the exact opposit of failing. Just take it minute by minute. And if even that seems like too much, take it second by second. Make it from the crib to the changing table, from the changing table to the feeding, from the feeding to the burping. Celebrate the hundred small victories you have each day - they add up!
September 24th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Not only do you forget, but every kid is different. So what may be true of the Poo, may not be for Shaggy.
Enjoy those moments. My “baby” turned four yesterday. Four! I still can’t believe it - it seems like just the other day she was a baby curled up in my arms.
It doesn’t sound like your failing at all. Your doing a great job!
September 24th, 2008 at 9:36 am
A little over three weeks into son #2 I find myself slipping into similar territory…at 3 am I’m saying, “Okay, REALLY? Would you just sleep? Could we just sleep for more than 2 hours?” even though I knew it was coming.
It gets old so quickly, and then suddenly they’re giant-children, kids who love books and won’t stop talking.
I’m trying music therapy for myself. Favorite music. College music. Happy music, even sad music. Anything to get through the moments that are so hard.
Good luck. Writing and reflecting on it are probably doing you good.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:37 am
I believe that mother have as many exposed nerve endings after the delivery of a baby. We just have the tools to cope a bit differently.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:55 am
well said, Jen: chicken is doing the opposite of failing. newborns are SO hard to live with. let me say that again: newborns are SO HARD TO LIVE WITH.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Want to bring him over and let me thump his back again??
He likes me - and I like you so it’s a good trade off. You can sit on the couch and let Poo boss L around and I’ll wack some burps outta him.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:55 am
it is amazing how quickly we forget isn’t it? but even more amazing is how we remember forever all the good parts.
hugs
September 24th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Ok- not riding you at all, but watch the PPD. You know how it likes to creep up.
Soon you will get more sleep and everything will seem better.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:13 am
CC is now eight months and I can just now say that a few days a week run on a schedule.
When I would moan about it, my mother would gently tsk tsk me saying,
“Rock him now, because tomorrow he will be at college.”
My mantra.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Yes, they are all different beings aren’t they? With #2 (and #3 and so on) you can’t rest like you could with the first. That makes it a whole new game itself.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Praying for routine and sleep for you soon. Fight the good fight.
September 24th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Just because intellectually you know what’s going on that doesn’t make it any easier, right? Maybe ignorance really is bliss…
You are so not a failure as Shaggy’s mother. You are doing right by him.
Hope you feel better soon.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Aw you poor thing. You are not failing your Shaggy at all. This will pass, the fog will clear, I swear. Thoughts and prayers with you.
September 24th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
my first baby was identical to this. The feeds, the inconsistency, the ‘non schedule’ schedule. Everything minus the stridor which was replaced with the 50% chance of projectile vomiting each and every feed up as she struggled with some unknown & bizarre affliction or allergy maybe?
She was a nightmare. Pure and simple. She slept for 2 hours a time, fed every hours or not for 10.
I totally know how this feels and it feels like you’re failing. At the same time… you love them, you yearn for them and you crave them.
You are not failing. This is tough and it’s taking it’s toll a little but you will get there. You are an excellent mother x
September 24th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
So sorry you’re having a tough time today. I wish I had some witty deal to pass on, but my only advice to offer is “don’t stick your kid in a barrel” -
doesn’t sound like much, but it got me through 8 weeks of nursing every hour on the hour for 25 minutes, burping, pooping, crying, then sleeping for 10 minutes. Repeat, ad nasuem while baby gains a pound a week for those 8 weeks straight.
It was the only advice my mom gave me that worked,so I used it and am glad to pass it on.
September 24th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
You are an amazing writer. You are doing fine. In time, all will be forgotten. Besides, he won’t remember any of it. Only your love.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I think everything seems a little hard when you’re lacking sleep. I’m finding that out every. single. day.
Yes, it’s cliche, but take each day at a time and you’re going to make it!
HUGE HUGS!
September 24th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Surviving motherhood. My little guy is now 6 months and on schedule as well as fatter than ever. I miss him little, those first few months are so hard and the sleep deprivation is just the worst possible torture but you are right, we forget.
Enjoy him, love him and know that it wont last. They grow up and it sucks. But you sound like right now you are supermom and you are helping women like me through our hard days and it’s a lot easier when someone understands. Thank you.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
It sucks. And no, you won’t forget. My kiddo was a difficult baby with similar issues to the ones you are describing here (though her episodes of stridor were less severe it seems, but she did have the floppy airway problem, along with a crapload of reflux which did get better w/ Zantac). She’s 3 1/2 now, and I haven’t forgotten. In fact, I’m terrified to have another baby because of how bad it was (I had PPD to boot). It’s hard, and the only way through it is through it, and sometimes you have to congratulate yourself for making it through every minute, much less every day. But you will make it through, and it does get better, even if only a tiny bit at a time. ((HUGS))
September 24th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Ain’t no failing friend, just discovering different. Every bit as sweet, no matter how you might castigate yourself.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:59 am
Yes, you’ll forget - and then, years later, you’ll read about a friend going through this exact same thing and you will remember just like it was yesterday.
I know.
It does get better.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:43 am
my little guy is 15 months old now but he was COLICKY until he was 5-6 months old. and there was no schedule and i was breastfeeding a million times/day- somtimes never getting off the couch. he had reflux but meds only dented the crying. i thought i wasn’t going to make it and i felt like the worst mother ever. i want another baby soon but i am scared that i will have to relive the the colic again and be a bad mother again. hang in there! you are doing a great job. it gets better. i also had ppd and didn’t get help so get help if you need it and take care of yourself.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:04 am
It’s really hard until they’re on a schedule. And kind of great too, in a way. You’re not bound to any timetable. But, yeah, mostly it’s hard. Hang in there.
September 29th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Oh wow. It sounds like my Ana is very much like your Shaggy. Talk about randomness. The same sleeping and eating stuff. I never know what I’m in for. Trying to figure her out and all the while trying to keep up with Zoe too.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
“they’re basically exposed nerve endings at this stage”
I know you are going insane right now and burning the candle at more ends than it has but please find at least a little comfort in the fact that you’re brilliant.