Together we rocked, the sky changing from day to night. He snuggled harder against the crook of my elbow, sighing softly as he sucked. Skin like fine velvet, his cheek rested against my bare arm.
I felt it.
A wave of love washed over me, soft and cool and cerulean blue. At last. At last, my heart swelled with the mother-love I waited for, longed for, hoped for in the deep crease of so many midnights.
I loved my son the minute I found out I was pregnant. I held him inside me like the finest china, cradling his fragile cells with my own stronger ones. I sacrificed my body to his for so many months, culminating in the brutal violation of my flesh.
I have the battle scars to prove my loyalty. That cannot be disputed.
When we took him home from the hospital, I gazed at his small face with wonder.
I made this, we made this.
I loved him, yes, with a primal, feed-protect love. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. Animal instincts to sway and shush and swaddle.
But finally, last night, as we struggled together to achieve his peace, I felt it. I felt the all-encompassing, in-the-pit-of my-stomach devotion.
I am in love, at last.
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:53 am
Aww beautiful! Enjoy snuggling with him for as long as you can!
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:55 am
What a lovely post. There’s something about rocking your baby in those witching hours.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:02 am
Oh, hurrah. Hurrah.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 am
It’s a huge relief and a wonderful feeling all at the same time, isn’t it?
I remember feeling so broken because I wasn’t in love with Princess from the first time I held her in my arms. I knew other people wouldn’t understand and I kept it bottled inside until one day I broke down crying in Honey’s shoulder sobbing, “will I ever love her?” It is really hard to admit that because there is this expectation that all mothers instantly fall in love with their child. But for some it takes time.
Congratulations!!
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 am
Sigh. Love.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 am
This was gorgeous.
I felt the same way with my son - the protective instinct was always there, the goopy adoration snuck up on me over time.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:39 am
Happy day.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 am
I remember getting that same wash of emotion with both of the girls. It is so powerful. HUgs!!
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 am
yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! wallow in it!
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:19 am
yay for baby love.
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Congrats, my sweet friend.
{swoon}
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Awesome!
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I am so, so happy for you.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I’m happy for you, but my first thought after reading was “Wow, he’s almost 2 months old.”
I am 2.5 weeks away from my due date with a girl and have worried about this from the time I found out we were having a second child. It still makes me sad to think that she may not get the in-loveness from me that my son did until she’s been around for a month or two months.
I know it happens all the time, but I’m still not sure how to process it.
Do you think it had anything to do with him being a different gender? Or was it that he was the second child?
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:19 pm
So happy to read this - so happy for you, my friend.
October 2nd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
This is beautiful. Yay!
October 2nd, 2008 at 7:02 pm
You just made me want to go get my sleeping boy from his crib and hold him close.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
This is absolutely the perfect post! You were always there.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:36 pm
I remember that feeling so well with my first born. I’ll never forget that moment. Nobody was ever to know how much love I felt for that child and still do.
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:03 am
Oh, the love. It’s so wonderful.
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:31 am
beautiful
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:43 am
[...] Sucks « At Last [...]
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
She always had hope in you.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
She had hopes that you would change your ways. That you would find the heart to care (even when she couldn’t see it. Maybe she is wrong.
October 20th, 2008 at 8:04 am
[...] and the anxiety of bringing home the second baby. I know that we’ll find our way, as she is finding hers, and that somehow I will make room in our lives for Doodlebug. That I’ll manage, as millions [...]
November 10th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
[...] is delicious, and I can’t get enough of him. Laying him on his changing table for a new diaper is sheer heaven, as he laughs and flirts with me [...]