These are crazy days and nights.
I have a friend who, when I said I was considering a second child, gave me a dire warning:
“Two is HARD,” she said, coming from a place of sleep deprivation and honesty. “Really, really hard.”
I dismissed her a bit, laughing it off and taking it as a joke. But you know, two is hard. I don’t regret it. However, my personality is one that prefers tasks that require little to no effort on my part.
Writing? Easy-peasy. Reading? My favorite pastime. Eating brownies and drinking coffee? I’m a champ.
Two kids, one who has major digestive issues and another who NEVER STOPS TALKING from dawn to dusk?
NOT. EASY.
HARD.
Sleep is elusive, although I spend many precious minutes floating on a sea of deep-seated mama-love. Those moments are my reward, my renewal, the energy that drives me to get up at 5 a.m. and start trolling the interwebz for ideas for my latest posts.
I took a new gig, you see.
Yeah, it seemed like JUST THE RIGHT TIME to commit to writing EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m the new blogger over here, thanks to this awesome lady over here.
I love it. It is super-duper fun.
And it is a lot of work right now, mostly because I am so tired. If Shaggy Boy would sleep well, just a few times a week, I would be fine.
But he doesn’t, and so my center is off. I’m a person of extremes, either happy or sad, awake or sleeping, centered or totally off-kilter. Finding a balance is hard work for me, one that sometimes takes the assistance of therapy a disinterested third party.
There’s no time or money for that kind of self-indulgence right now. I’m doing that work on my own, remembering the lessons of my favorite shrink (Dr. Clark, I miss you). A few years back when I struggled with grief and fear over our impending move to Chambana, Dr. Clark wrote me a note.
Fretting about how our move would affect those who love me most, how I felt responsible for everyone’s happiness, my good doctor scribbled on a piece of notebook paper and tore it off.
Silently, he handed it to me. It read:
“You have permission.”
I carry it in my wallet.
Sometimes I need to remember that I have permission to be me, a big hot mess. While I strive for inner peace, I’m smart enough to know I am more likely to find inner hysteria. That’s just who I am, and I have to go with it.
This is a very long story to tell you that I’m not hanging out with you as much as I used to. My feed reader is on steroids and I can barely plow through it. I feel guilty, because so many of you come here and lift me up when I spew this nonsense.
And continue to spew I will, in order to keep myself on track. This stuff needs to come out, so I can keep moving forward.
I’m heading back East next week for almost 2.5 weeks, and maybe that will be the remedy I need. I haven’t been home for any length of time since last year, really, and I need to see the water and some trees. I need to go apple picking with my niece and nephew, and I need to get exasperated with my family of origin.
All these years I’ve lived on adrenaline, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have so many shoes now that I can’t even keep track of them. I’m trying to find a balance between being on high alert and being sanguine.
Bear with me.
***
Because I don’t have enough to keep me busy, I write at this awesome review site, too. We’ve revamped our look and we’re giving some cool stuff away. Check it out, will you?
October 3rd, 2008 at 7:53 am
Two is hard. I haven’t even had my second one yet and I am already bracing for the impact. My sister in law was complaining yesterday about her fancy marketing job where she plays around with ad campaigns for a water park all day. She was saying how she doesn’t like getting up early and doing things on someone else’s schedule and how having a baby and staying at home would be so much easier. I almost slapped her across the face. I think I’ll go ahead and direct her over to your blog here and see how she feels after reading it.
October 3rd, 2008 at 8:33 am
I think you need a “www” in front of the link for the “awesome review site.”
Two is hard, especially when they’re young and their needs are so different from one another. But it’s precious, too. And when they get a little older, and actually do things together it’s a bit easier.
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
I hate to keep…..saying…..the same ol’ thinkg……but this too shall pass.
I know everyone wants to share “I know it was hard for you but let me tell you how hard it was for me” stories and it makes your situation seem so much less important, but it isn’t. It is important that you know how you feel, can get how you feel out in the open and find some time for yourself.
And, by referencing the above about “my story is worse than your story”, mine is comical in that I had a hysterectomy when my 2nd baby was six weeks old. I was so excited knowing that I was going to go to the hospital, get put to sleep and be left for an entire afternoon, night and another whole day with people doting on me and me sleeping the entire 24 to 48 hours…..I know that sounds pathetic, but I did.
My gyn even said, “you sure are awful happy this morning” and I answered with “yea no more endometriosis to plague me but, I get to sleep uninterrupted for a few days”…he got a good laugh.
Hey, there’s an idea, we could try to make it mandatory that every new mother is allowed a weekend stay at the hospital for a weekend without children…hehehe, yea, that’s what a pathetic case I was and you too sound near that edge.
Going home will be awesome and you know have family that will help with the babies and let you get some rest and then you will really be dying to get out and about with your nieces and nephews but your own children as well.
Sleep deprivation is dangerous. I call it deadly because when I’m sleep deprived, I do some really foggy stuff that I don’t even recall doing.
And, finally, my last thought is always…….this too shall pass….stick to your guns, get some rest and you can do it!
October 3rd, 2008 at 9:48 am
Two is hard…but it gets easier.
Congrats on the new gig!
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Balance? What is that? No really. Balance?
October 3rd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I remember PLEADING with the universe when my 2nd one was an infant– if he would just sleep from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. my life would be UTTERLY TRANSFORMED. Of course, eventually he did, and while I wouldn’t say I was transformed, I was certainly refreshed!
October 3rd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Balance is so hard. It seems like we’re all looking for it, but it just comes when it comes. Trust me, when he gets a little older an they start playing together & occupying each other’s time… it’s will ALL be worth it!
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
You have permission. What an awesome thing to give you. I’ll tell you what helped me through last year when I was having such a hard time. My mom said, it won’t be like this forever. Once you’ve gotten used to it, it will pass. Kids get big, life gets easier and one day, when you’re sitting with your husband remembering your kids as babies, you won’t remember how needy they were, how hard it was, how much you needed a break. You’ll remember how beautiful they were, how they fit into the crook in your neck. How they didn’t just ask for money and the car keys and leave. Ok, I added that last one in myself.
Have fun with your family. I hope they will help you some and you’ll get a bit of you time.
October 3rd, 2008 at 6:50 pm
One day soon you’ll get some sleep and it WILL get easier. And it’s okay to focus on you, your writing, and your family instead of your feed reader.
I think I might make a You Have Permission note for myself too.
Hang in there.
October 3rd, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Ohh,How sweet. Did he really say that he miss you and that you have permission? You couldn’t ask for anything else in the world. What a great Dr!!
October 4th, 2008 at 7:15 am
I hear ya. I love your Dr. That is probably the best medicine. You have permission. Can you just this once share your meds with me. I think I need them, or do I have to cross the border and get my own?
October 4th, 2008 at 10:56 am
When I had my third, (oh, I am not even going to go on about HOW MUCH HARDER THREE IS because I am insane and had three sons in four years. Was I insane before? I can’t remember!) What was I going to say?
Oh yes. When I had my third, I stayed in the Nursing Home for THREE DAYS. I didn’t need to, but I just refused to leave. It cost a fortune. I had a little bell, and boy I rang that sucker. *ring!* “He needs changing!” *ring* “can i have a cup of tea?” *ring* “Would you take him while I shower?”
The midwives knew me from before, and ignored their ragging about the place not being a hotel. I knew that once I got home, I would be mostly alone with two toddlers and an infant and I had learned from boy #2 that I couldn’t do it all! I gave myself permission to stay at that nursing home till I felt I could manage, and often in the year afterwards I wished I could go back!
Can you arrange with your hubbie, your Mom, a neighbourhood teen, to come every afternoon and give you an hour or two of you-time? You KNOW the whole family would be happier, so it’s not just for you!
October 6th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
ooh, maybe I should tell you my secret source of parentdish stories from the old days. . .