The Poo is making me crazy right now.
It is as if she finally realized that her baby brother is a permanent fixture, and her jealousy has been out of control. She gets my attention in any way she can, chattering incessantly, asking ridiculous questions that have no answers, looming over Shaggy and attacking him with non-too-gentle head-pats and kisses while he’s eating or trying to rest.
There is a tinge of violence in her love lately.
I remember the early days of her infancy, when I was a prisoner to her whims, subject to a tiny, tyrannical, screaming warden who demanded to be held at all times. She fell asleep beautifully; it was only when you put her down that she woke, wailing.
Pick her up again and you were blessed with silence.
It was hellish.
Shaggy is less demanding in some ways, and more so in others. But this week a switch flipped, and he’s eating and sleeping on a more regular schedule. He learned to suck his thumb for comfort—a habit sure to plague me in the coming years—but he is putting himself to sleep in his crib at night and taking regular naps.
But The Poo … oh, The Poo.
She still refuses to fall asleep on her own, and so bedtime is a delicate dance requiring multiple partners. When we’re at home it’s easy; one of us handles the baby and the other handles the big girl.
And I know perfectly well it’s time to break her of this habit. I simply don’t have the mental reserves for it until Shaggy sleeps through the night consistently.
We’re away from home, Mr. C is in Chambana, and I am juggling these two needy humans while trying to avoid asking my mom for help.
Last night The Poo was particularly difficult. She’d irritated her grandmother earlier in the day, she bugged her cousin and she generally acted crazy all day long. She got to bed late, and by 9 p.m. I was done with a capital D. I lay with her, listening to Shaggy cry in the next room.
Every single time I moved, she rolled over and put part of her body on mine, checking to see I was still next to her. She talked and talked and talked and the boy fussed louder and louder … and I finally got up and yelled at her.
“You HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP!” I said, through gritted teeth. “YOUR BROTHER IS HUNGRY, GO TO SLEEP!”
I stormed out of the room and got the baby. After 10 more minutes of bouncing him on my lap while sitting on the edge of the bed, I stood up.
“Poo, I have to go. You have to go to sleep on your own!” I was almost in tears.
She cried, I cried, Shaggy cried – there were slammed doors and recriminations and hurt feelings. Finally, my mom came upstairs and offered to sit with her. I handed her the baby instead, and led the girl back to bed.
“I have tears on my face, mama!” she sobbed, while I held her close. Gently, I wiped her face dry with the hem of my shirt and shushed her.
When she was calm, I spoke.
“Baby girl, my baby girl,” I said, smoothing her sweaty curls from her head. “Mama loves you. But Shaggy is a baby and sometimes he can’t wait. You have to learn to do some of these things on your own.”
“OK, Mama, I’m sorry, Mama,” she replied, eyes closing at last. “Mama, I miss my daddy. I wish I could hug and kiss my daddy.”
She sighed, snuggled closer and fell asleep.
I held her awhile, knowing my mom had my son downstairs. I took the time to really look at her. She felt huge in my arms, long legs and awkward elbows. She’s growing up in so many ways.
I imagine this is such a hard time for her right now. She’s testing her boundaries in a developmentally healthy way, and she’s also struggling with the notion of sharing me.
I’ve been so frustrated with her that I’ve wished this time away. Selfishly, I’ve wished for Shaggy to out-grow his babyhood and for my first baby to enter girlhood with more grace. I’ve been angry at them both for sucking me dry, so much so that by the end of the day I am an empty husk of a woman.
Last night, I let myself cry into my first-born’s hair as I took in every angle of her beautiful little body, seeing her so clearly for the first time in so many weeks. I see she is still my baby, that the ghost of that needy little infant is still there.
So I held her tight against me, simultaneously wishing for both the past and the future.
Tonight she is having a sleep-over at her beloved cousins’ house, and bedtime was a cinch.
But you know what? I’m wishing that she was here right now next to me, her head on my shoulder and her breathing heavy with sleep, filling my arms and my heart with her love.
Almost all grown up
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
It is hard when they are in that in between stage. Looking back I have really no clue how I did it, but I am glad it is done. (well that part of their lives) Very cute photo of the Poo.
Loads of HUGS!!!
Great picture.
And yes, it is a horrible paradox right now. But you’re doing it. Some days it may suck, but you’re getting through and learning along the way.
Mine are 5 & 3 and I STILL feel that I’m wishing time away to make things easier some days. But then other times I want to stomp my feet and scream that it’s going by too fast.
There is just no winning is there?
If it helps at all, our bed time routine was exactly like yours two years ago. Exactly. Both of them so needy. My big girl requiring a body beside her until she was in a deep, deep sleep.
For the most part we gave her what she demanded, but slowly she outgrew her neediness. Now at almost five years old, I tuck her in with a kiss and leave the room. No drama, no tears.
Oh gosh, I *hope* that I don’t have the trials you have right now. I am really lucky that my boy (13 months) still goes to sleep on the dot at 7:15 in his crib (and sleeps until 7am). Is it because you have her sleep with you guys? We are trying for #2 right now but I am scared of all the non-sleeping times you describe. Is it really that bad? I’m scared for #2 but I’ve had such a great time with my first, I can’t imagine it being so bad. I hope you can work through this. I love reading your posts and even though I have a boy (i’ve heard they are much better sleepers than girls), I still am going through the steps with you. I can only hope it gets better for you. All this crying makes me sad!
I am still waffling between wanting to have a second child or just sticking to one for some of the reasons you’ve mentioned. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to make sure that both babies get the attention they want and need and deserve. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job though, as hard as it is.
Another AMAZING post. Wonderful. You make these moments come alive, and it’s just beautiful. I hope things get better soon.
My girl is not entering into girlhood very gracefully these days either . . . and I have no babe to account for it, so I’ve been saying it must be the full moon.
Because the moon can be full every night for an entire week, right? RIGHT???????
She is so lovely.
Oh sweet little thing, she is having a rough go
It seems like you all are trying to gain control over the situation and no one is winning.
I hope that she gets the hang of the big girl thing a little better.
I didn’t read the other comments and I know my suggestion sounds crazy but in my opinion, there’s no reason to try to worry about habits formed or habits broken while you are away from home and as you said, until you have the baby sleeping better and at least the majority of the night. Do the best you can and try not to take it so hard.
I was in exactly that kind of situation when Mr Earth was rehearsing a play when the Little Guy was four months. It was hellish. I resorted to bribes to get the Boy to stay in his room, and there was no small amount of yelling.
The best way that I worked it out (and it’s not the best solution was to get both ready for bed, then let the Boy watch TV while I fed and rocked the Little Guy – he needs absolute quiet and darkness – and then put the Boy to bed when I was done. It makes for a very long bedtime routine, and I didn’t like leaving the Boy alone, but it was much more peaceable. The Boy, of course, loves TV…)
It’s been a particularly hard couple weeks here with Gray- especially if I have any company over. His behavior is so confusing to me, and I feel like I don’t know him at all, and the years before that we were so attached were for nothing… but I do know this is for a short time and will get better.
Steph
the way i figure, jealousy is a natural human emotion and a process they need to learn to work with…but there is nothing graceful about jealousy, whether in a kiddo or in an adult. so O’s recent manifestations of it – which happen to have combined with the onset of speaking in full sentences to make for a real load of guilt and manipulation, post to come soon – i tell myself they’re good for him, save him learning to be graceful later.
but yeh, it’s hard.
chin up, friend.
i seriously don’t know how you do it. write so beautifully about something so hard. it make my heart break and swell all at the same time.
beautiful friend.
Three is such a hard age. They are still babies and not babies all at the same time. I’m finding four to be a bit easier, but not totally. Nata is having some baby envy too and wanting me to give her more attention. Which is hard to give when you have a screeching newborn. There’s no easy answers, my friend. But it does get easier in ways when they are older. Hugs to you.
The Boss has been in Jealousy City since Number Two was born. Scratch that…it actually began while I was still pregnant. So I know whereof you speak. There’s a lot of crying in this house. A lot of “I’m sorry”’s. And I have a feeling that’s never going to change. We may evolve, but the underlying theme is that being a family is difficult. But it’s good, too. It has to be, for us all to stick it out together.
My first born still prefers to have someone lay with her until she’s asleep. Thankfully that doesn’t take long.
Whenever I have to do bedtime by myself these days I read to all of them in the big bed, then the two older ones go to their own beds to sleep and baby D rocks.
When it was just the two, I nursed K laying in the bed with M while she was going to sleep.
not sure what else was commented on…or possibly suggested. but…
i do bedtimes, alone…all the time (husband is a pilot).
what worked for us…when my daughter was three with a newborn…
was:
we would all read books together, lights out, and baby and i would sit by the door in a chair.
she could see me, i could see her. i would read or feed the baby. we talked about our jobs. my job was to read or feed. her job was to lay quietly and listen to her music.
i might get up…but i always come back. (quicker at first…longer later). if she is able to stay quiet…i can come back and rub her feet or give her a kiss.
i’ve found that, for us, slow approaches to bedtime transitions have made life easier. now she’s goes to sleep like an angel.
time. before you know it, it will be different. better. gone.
Those days are hard. Your husk metaphor is spot-on. It does get easier; it just does.
Motherhood is such a gut-wrenching, heart-twisting roller coaster ride.
So I held her tight against me, simultaneously wishing for both the past and the future.
*Nods*
Yes, yes, oh yes, I get this. All the time, I feel like this. And I only have Bean!
Very poignant post.