Shaggy Boy has reached that perfect state of babyhood. His little body isn’t floppy anymore, he smiles and giggles, and just last night he grabbed a toy from me with a ferocious growl and stuffed it in his mouth.
He is delicious, and I can’t get enough of him. Laying him on his changing table for a new diaper is sheer heaven, as he laughs and flirts with me most outrageously. Oh, he is a charmer, he is, that one.
And he is probably going to be my last baby.
If.
If I decide that I want him to be my last baby.
I know, I KNOW! I wrote this and this and this, and it sucked. It really did. Pregnancy and childbirth by surgeon’s knife, and hospital stays and The HOT Fuss!™, it all sucked the donkey.
But now, oh, now! His little neck smells like Aveeno baby wash and his bum fits just so in the crook of my elbow and there is just so much to teach him. I will have a part—a large part—in the kind of man, the kind of human being he will be.
Just like The Poo, he will grow up to be a person who is entirely fascinating, a living, breathing boy with opinions and ideas, and stories inside his head that have yet to be told.
Do I want to give that up for good? Do I want to sell all the baby clothes as soon as he grows out of them? Do I want to put away my hopes that The Poo will have a sister, a sister like mine?
I just don’t know.
Ask me when he’s screaming and The Poo is coughing up a lung, dinner is burnt on the stove, and Mr. C is late getting home from work, and when the checking account is running dry well before the end of the month, and you’ll get one definitive answer.
But ask me after bath time, with my daughter at my knee and my son on my lap, reading stories to them and watching their eyes light up when I kiss them goodnight, and you will get an entirely different reply.
I just don’t know. I just don’t.
I know I’m not the only one going through this, and that helps. But these are the questions, my friends, that keep me up at night.
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t we all go through this in some way? I know I do. I always said I’d never have kids, and then I said okay, but just ONE, and now I’ve got the one and he’s awesome and baby amnesia’s kicked in, and I find myself, the most unlikely person to ever have this thought, thinking “Well, maybe…”
My little Bean is 18 months now and I still can’t bring myself to throw out a single newborn onesie or tiny baby toy.
It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.
Babies make you nuts. That’s all there is to it.
I could have written this same post sister. Yep, I feel the same way. I can’t decided. The only good thing about that is that I don’t have to decide it today.
I know exactly how you feel. I still don’t know if I want to be done, but my hubby had the snip a couple of months ago so my fate is pretty much sealed. I just couldn’t imagine all the pain of the pregnancy, the birth, and the first few weeks again – even though I still think I could get through it, I think to myself “do I really want to put myself through that?”.
Good luck and hopefully you get some time before you have to make your decision.
Awh you’re making me all broody!
I hear ya. I have a good friend who was pretty upset when she got pregnant with her third. The other day she shocked the hell out of me by saying she hasn’t ruled out a fourth! (Her #3 is now 2.5 years old.)
I understand this. I was very sad when Lyle was a baby, thinking that he was my last child. I savored every minute with him. And then, eventually, I started giving away the baby clothes, the crib, the bouncy seat, and all the rest as our friends started to have baby boys. I told myself that we gave so much away, people would give back to us generously if we changed our minds. I still have days when I wonder if I’d like a 3rd, but recently we’ve had friends with infants stay with us for a couple of weekends. I can tell you that I loved holding those babies and snuggling with them, but as I watched the exhausted parents trying to muddle through the day it became a lot more clear to me that it’s too late for me to go back now, with my youngest 4 years old. I’m sure I’ll always think about that 3rd child I didn’t have, but I am at peace with it now.
From the mom of 4…
a. all moms are kinda insane (in a good way)
b. you aren’t done having babies
c. and when you are done, you will know that you know that you know you are done. You know?
d. take heart though, it is a great adventure
Oh I am going right through this, right now. My eldest is 4, my youngest is 2. Now would be the time to do it again and yet I just can’t decide.
I wrote this
http://tinyurl.com/597evy
just the other day, trying to convince myself that two is enough… but is it..?
I am right there with you on this one.
I. just. don’t. know.
After the second one (I got pregnant with the second one when the first was five months old) I did want to wait a bit, but I had THAT FEELING that we just weren’t all “home”. Some little someone was still out there waiting to be called forth to live with us. Four years and four days later…our third and last son was born. And I felt that gap close completely upon his birth. The last little child for us had come home and it was time to close the door. I’ve never looked back. So…listen for that feeling. Is the door still open or not?
Man, you’ve got my ol’ ovaries acting up now. Baby smell! Sigh! Luckily, you have a while still to think about it. No need to decide just yet!
Even after having 3- with the baby being 4 and me being “not of ideal age.” Even after knowing- KNOWING that I was done I still have these flashes.
so, yeah.
i don’t know how you ever really know anything as a mom. i just hope when it comes to this subject, one day i will just know.
but knowing me. it probably won’t happen like that.
I picture you with four. I honestly do, you little writerMama you!
Oh I keep playing this game too. I keep telling myself when the baby’s 5 I NEED to decide. Because after that? My eggs just won’t be as fresh. =)
We decided for many reasons we were done years ago.
But that yearning never completely went away.
It’s always a hard choice.
You probably want more if you’re thinking like this already.
I would have more if my body would let me. The doctors have told me that I should really be done, so husband got the snip last friday. Although I’m told that the snip isn’t always effective. If that’s the case then we’ll know for sure that we were meant to have more.
But we’re done with three.
When that happened to us, we got a puppy. Same baby joy, same long nights. No cankles or vomiting. And best of all? She is ALWAYS happy to see me, and I don’t have to send her to college.
I want one more. The Partner would prefer the status quo. However, his fear of getting snipped leaves him at a decided disadvantage when it comes to winning this argument
trust me — the best way to get pregnant again is to get rid of the baby clothes.
you sound quite sane to me
Oh, my friend.
I’m already struggling with this one, and Doodlebug is still an elusive squirmer in my belly!
I’ve had it easier with this pregnancy with my first, which makes me want to give it another go. But I fret about the reality of two littles running around.
I’m more stressed about our finances, this time, which makes me less inclined to think of adding a third… but on the other hand, I keep telling Gruff that we will still be YOUNG when he finishes residency and maybe we should wait a bit, and have the 3rd then, when the cash flow isn’t such a scary factor.
It’s hard, isn’t it? (And I’m glad I’m not the only one with stuff keeping her up nights.)
You’re not insane at all. Despite me being totally in love with the second, I can safely say that at 17 months, I’m now sure we’re done. I knew when I thought I was pregnant and was actually relieved to find out I wasn’t. I hope you find your answer soon. (You do make awfully cute kids.)
Pardon me while I stop laughing …. OK. Well, I think every mom goes through this, no matter how many kids they have. I’d love to hear what Mr. C has to say about this.
I can only tell you what I told Catherine. You don’t have to decide right now. Try and not think about it for awhile and re-visit it in a year or two. My girls are 4 and almost 7 years older than their brother. Somehow he fits into this little family my husband and I created for ourselves. But when it was me with a toddler and a newborn, I wasn’t so sure. Give it time. You’ll know one day for sure and then you’ll have your answer.
i know. or rather i know how you feel, and don’t know how you know. for us, the decision is made and we’re done and the Big V scheduled, but it’s because with our history two healthy kids feels like luxury, like bounty. and yet, i am wistful, because i know damn well i’d love just one more chance with a newborn, even on days like today when she screams all afternoon.
Hugs to you — and to the little ones. This is such a personal decision, and you’re absolutely right that there’s no rushing it.
No rush. Be safe, I mean it both ways. xo
Guess what? You don’t have to decide anytime soon!
Enjoy the now my friend.
Well, I’m one step ahead of you in this process (sans marriage, which helps make the decision easier). I actually have an appointment on the 19th for my tube-tying consultation. I have one great kid, now a teenager and there is no way in hell I’m starting all over again with another baby. Give me a second husband someday with a kid to blend families perhaps, but I’ve made this choice.
Just remember, this isn’t a decision you need to make today. Or tomorrow. Take your time to come to it, or you’ll regret rushing in either way.
All you parents are insane. I mean that in the nicest possible way.
It’s such a scary thing to make that seemingly final decision of no. more. babies! I can’t even imagine!