I married a tease, the kind of man who worked very, very hard to make his favorite girl in the second-grade cry. The kind of man who, if he doesn’t tease you, frankly does not give two shits about you.
Me?
I rise to the bait every time.
Yesterday I dashed off a post about scratched DVDs from the library, and some folks took it a little too seriously. In fact, one commenter went so far as to ask if I was just complaining, like I do “in most other posts.”
(And why do I feel like Marie is a local? Oh, Chambana … home of the humorless.)
And just for the record, I actually WAS complaining. I do that, it’s my thing. I mean, helllllooooo? Have we met? Have you seen my banner? Glass-half-empty and the holidays suck and all that jazz?
IT WAS A JOKE. KIND OF.
Also? It’s my blog, folks. Don’t like it? Au revoir! Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! Clickety-click, people. As John McLaughlin says, BYE-BYE!
I don’t get it. And you know what? It gets my goat every single time. Every single troll who drops a flaming bag of verbal bullshit on my metaphorical stoop gets under my skin. Because I can’t not rise to the bait.
So this one is for Marie, and Jason and all the other folks out there who love to hate me, who only comment when something I write rubs them the wrong way.
I hate:
Christmas
Bunnies
Champagne toasts
Banquet food
Paris
Seafood
Book jackets
People who let their kids act like assholes in public places
Bad coffee
Airplanes
Hairy toes (my own included)
Baby poop
Rotovirus
Stupid people
Wal-Mart
Ugly shoes
Network television
Spoiled brats
The Humorless
And yes, scratched DVDs that I checked out of the library.
*pthhhhhhhhtht*
Take that!
What do you hate? Fire away, people. It is complainer’s amnesty day.
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Trolls, I hate them too. I try not to take it personally, but when someone attacks you on your own site, it’s hard not too. But this is your place, your crib and those who decide to shit here should be shot.
That being said….I’ll add a few. Drama, the constant drama that surrounds certain members of my family. Cancer. Slow people at fast food places. Blue Cheese; it should be banned. Recessions. Bail-outs. Credit cards. That my youngest daughter has this way of moving right as the picture is snapped. In her photo book, it looks like I don’t like her face or something. Sinus pain. Baby snot.
Ok, leaving now. But I feel better.
I’m with Slouching Mom, too. Paris? the one in France?
I agree with most of the others.
he he.
- people who use apostrophe’s incorrectly (yes, that was intentional. LOOK IT UP PEOPLE!!!)
- postnasal drip
- snoring
- vacuuming
- toothpaste tubes, especially when people squeeze at the top and not the bottom
- hot feet
- sheets that are tucked in to the bottom of the bed (argh!)
- people with a sense of entitlement
Just came across your clever blog (on a long side trip from Snickolett) and although I am totally with you on Wal-mart (ugh!) . . . my son brought home a bunny from a shelter when he was in college and he is a wonderful adorable house pet! I never knew how much I could dote on something not human. And I feel for you in Chambama. I am in Surf City where it is sunny and 72 degrees today.
haha LOVE your list! And seriously, my ex husbands girlfriend reads my blog… then complains to my inlaws. Even though I’m not talking about them, her, my ex. God, if you don’t like it, freakin don’t read it!
I try to keep things in perspective.
I hate:
the the man who raped me when I was 11
I don’t like:
cold feet
greedy people
liars
tight waistbands
profanity
and when my mother in law reads me recipes. (Actually after reading about your husband’s Grams passing, I should probably give my MIL a break on this one.) Ahh, no.
Um, why are they reading your blog if they don’t love you? Do you suppose there are people out there who only read blogs which annoy them, so that they can spend all of their free time whining? Hmm, yes, I can believe that. Just think of the joy you are giving them then, giving them something to really whine about!
You’ve inspired me to post all my pet peeves!
Hey chicken:
Marie here. Just wanted to let you know why I read your blog: it’s entertaining. You bitch about everything and it amuses me. Don’t worry, I get your jokes. I have a sense of humor. My otherwise useless liberal arts education definitely taught me about satire.
I enjoy your blog but wince when you pounce on Champu-Banana like gravy on Thanksgiving. Like you, I’m not a local. Unlike you, I wish I were: the people of central Illinois have taught so much to this California girl.
I ripped on your post not so much because of your negativity, but because of your negativity about Chambana. You hate it here so much but there’s so much to love! I know you don’t like it here in central Illinois and you’re probably counting the days until you get to return home. But please know, for those of us that make our home here, we love it. You may see bad haircuts, poor trash service, and incompetent librarians, but for the rest of us, this is home.
Chicken, you are a great writer and you put yourself, your feelings, and your family out there in a way that many cannot. I admire you. I only responded to your post because it stung the sensitive Chambana parts of me. Our community is really great (although not perfect). Just like anyone, it’s nice to hear nice stuff about us sometimes, too.
In positive spirits,
Marie
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