I could never stand it when The Poo cried.
It was especially bad when I was the one who caused the tears. Once, when she was just a little bit of a thing, I bravely attempted to clip her fingernails as she slept. On the third nail I clipped her fingertip, as well, and she woke screaming bloody murder.
I have only just recovered from that.
Now she cries all the time, as a means of expressing her most intense emotions—in particular, embarrassment, anger and frustration.
I know this cry; I cry for those reasons, as well. It’s one reason I can’t argue efficiently. I just start to cry, and my opponent thinks it’s weakness. It isn’t.
It’s fury.
Lately, there has been much crying in the House of Chicken. Between The Poo and Shaggy, someone is almost always in tears.
This weekend The Poo developed an ear ache, one I predicted as we left Virginia on Monday.
She laid her head in my lap, warm washcloth pressed to her pretty seashell of an ear, and wept. Her brother, seeing her prone and crying, screwed up his little face and joined the chorus of misery.
All I could do, from my position pinned under The Poo, was to stroke her hair and cluck at the baby. “I’m sorry, Shaggy,” I said, over their harmonic screams. “I have to take care of your sister right now.”
Later, we put the baby down for the night as The Poo tossed and moaned on the guest bed. Despite the chaos, we forged ahead with our plans to Feberize him.
I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to stand it. To hear him cry and not go to him. And cry he did; he screamed mightily, for a little less than 28 minutes.
And then, beautiful silence.
Not once during that time did I feel compelled to get him. I comforted him at the prescribed intervals, but the temptation to hold him just wasn’t there. I was determined to get the child to sleep on his own.
I’m not sure what happened, but somewhere along the way the skin around my heart toughened. Maybe it is self-preservation, maybe I’m just really, really tired.
When The Poo’s bottom lip trembles and she works herself up into a fit of crocodile tears, I silently point to the stairs and she stomps up to her room until she stops. And even when the baby cries, I am less and less inclined to burst into tears myself.
It’s puzzling to me, this new turn of events. I love my children more than anything in the world, and their suffering, no matter how minor, is a wound to my soul.
But these days I find my heart is harder and harder, and it scares me. I feel like the baby is getting less of me, getting less of a mother. Getting second-hand love that is worn thin from chores and work, and four years of pouring everything I had into the first child.
And that makes me want to cry.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, Mrs. C.
I don’t see it that way at all. Shaggy isn’t getting less and neither is The Poo.
What they’re both getting is an experienced and loving mother who adores them enough to do the hard things.
Thinking of you.
Coco
You have to factor in that they’re getting each other too. That counts and it counts big.
I cry when I’m angry too.
oh babe, no. You just know the ways of things. You are a great mom
Sounds as if they’re getting a mom with more backbone and experience these days; not a mom who loves them any less but someone who knows what SHE needs, too.
I cry when I’m angry- it’s driven me crazy for years. Hard to have the upper hand when you’re snotty-faced and sniveling! I’d love to know how to turn those waterworks off but it seems to be hardwired into me…
Your heart isn’t getting harder. You’re realizing that loving them means teaching them to take care of themselves and consider the needs and feelings of other people. You’re teaching them the manners and self-control they need to be adults.
Don’t think of it as a hardening of the heart, but tough parenting. You sort of have to be tough to let go of your children. And this is just the first step. You’ll be letting them go, a little at a time, all through their lives. It’s natural. I know it hurts, boy, do I know it hurts (I have two teenage boys), but you’re actually teaching your children to exist on their own. It’s just a natural process.
You’re giving them what they need, even if they don’t know it yet. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
Don’t think that way! You are just doing what your heart knows is best. A rested baby (and mommy) make for a happier, healthier home. And as for the Poo? Well, she’s 4. My almost 3 year old has already mastered the art of manipulative wailing. We have to take control sometimes, right? Otherwise they’ll just grow up maladjusted.
You are a wonderful mother, and Shaggy will know all of the love and beauty that lies in your heart.
Loving someone doesn’t equal not letting them cry. Good mothering does not equal a perfectly happy child that never cries. Usually it is quite the opposite. It took us 13 months to let our oldest cry it out at night. (and I AGONIZED) The second baby was nine months. (and I hardly batted an eye)And the next? Six months. (ditto) I didn’t love the first baby more, I just got better at my job each time. And that is what is happening with you.
Your heart is not getting harder! You’ve simply come to realize that sometimes they need to work their problems out on their own. Or else they’d never be able to do that!
They aren’t getting less of a mother. You’ve just developed a thicker skin to deal with the day to day tears. I’m the same way, I noticed it too. But imagine, if you cried everytime Poo cried? You’d never teach her how to comfort herself because you’d be wallowing in self pity all day long. It’s good for those kids to get those tears out..healthy. But it’s good for them to see that Mom is a strong woman so they can learn to be strong too.
And I suspect that if you are worried about being too hardened you’ll never actually let that happen anyhow.
You are a very good mom.
Everyone has already written my words. At each stage they need some type of comfort, and as they grow, it changes. You’re not getting hardened, just adjusting to new stages. You are a wonderful mom, and I enjoy reading your blog.
I highly recommend Tear and Tantrums by Aletha Solter. I’m giving away a copy on my blog if you are interested.
We had to battle with the same thoughts from day one when we adopted our kids – especially as we have the mix of ages.
All the advice of foster carers, social workers and the various books we read along the way point to one thing – BE HARD. It’s much easier to give things back to the children than to take things away.
There are days when I get home and am immediately on the war path, or ignoring the children… yes, I feel guilty, but I also know my lack of response does them good too. It’s really difficult.
I don’t see it as hard…I did go through the same with mine…I think it’s just that you realize that even if you are a bit tougher they aren’t going to be damaged for the rest of their lives…in fact it probably teaches them something good. I always thought I was hurting my oldest forever if I didn’t give him what he wanted…my second, my poor second doesn’t get anything like what the oldest got. I just know that now they really will survive!
Although I read blogs irregularly, my husband reads about you and your lovely family each day, often sharing ideas as we discuss the perplexities of parenting. Thank you for sharing your heart! Sleep is a topic we often think through together. I wished to offer readers another sleep/fussy baby resource because most of us need help with nighttime parenting (and day for that matter)! To each his or her own, but just as Ferber offers tips to help your baby sleep, here is another set of tips parents can use from Dr. Karp:
http://ecochildsplay.com/2008/06/06/soothe-colicky-babies-and-help-infants-sleep-better-with-happiest-baby-on-the-block/
What I find most fascinating is his research into cultures world wide and the somewhat unique fussy baby issues we have in ours…and what we can do about that. He has a phenomenal DVD that I am starting to give away at baby showers and can be checked out from the local libraries.
I don’t know what we would have done (and currently would do) without this book. For those readers who only know Ferber, this is another resource with strategies to help calm and soothe our precious babies to sleep.zzzzzz
Trust me. You are no less a mother for letting your children cry. But everyone has already said that.
And – isn’t being able to put down a baby and have him/her fall asleep just wonderful? We used a similar method for both our boys and really – it’s nice to get a full night’s sleep and to not have to put the baby to sleep. Just the routine, a kiss, and “goodnight!” Man, I love bedtime.
Hey, I’m not trying to be all ass-visy because no one wants advice when they try to just blast out some emotions, but..does she have ear infections often. I may be breaking my momma’s back here by saying this but neither of my kids have ever had an ear infection.
However, I am the Queen of Ear Infections. My kids see a chiropractor and did so on their way home from the hospital when they were born. It works wonders for them…me not so much but my issue is some sinus problems and messed up nose issues more than straight sinuses.
Anyway, that’s my pieces of ass-vice that you didn’t want in the first place…I’ll give you these two pieces…1. chiropractor and 2. ear candling…..works works works!
Actually, by forcing your children to learn and understand the need to be independant from an early age is one of the hardest and most loving things a parent can do.
Speaking as a preschool teacher, I see very often how bad parenting (even when the child is loved and cherished beyond measure) does some pretty serious damage. Take Sihle for instance. She’s a child in my class, 2 years and 1 month old, never been to a preschool before and started last Monday.
The child has clearly never been told “no”, never been left to her own devices, never learned any scrap of independance, aside from toilet training. Today, she hit me when I refused to let her leave the bathroom without wiping her bum, and then threw a temper tantrum when she wanted Kgalalelo’s apple matress, when hers’ is the teapot. This kept the majority of her class awake for half an hour into sleeptime. She refuses to leave her parents without throwing a fit – and it’s not even genuine crying – there’re no tears. She just wants her own way – and her parents jump to give it to her. Despite the fact that we insist that parents drop their children and leave as soon as possible, the father of Sihle insists on waiting around, trying to calm her before he leaves, which just gets her more and more worked up so that by the time he eventually does leave, we’re left with a completely hysterical little girl who refuses to calm down for several hours.
Now, compare her to a little girl named Kgalalelo. Kgali is 20 months old, and potty-trained. Completely. She asks to go to toilet. She is completely happy left to her own devices. She plays nicely with her friends, shares her toys and goes to sleep very well on her own. Barring a couple of crying spells in the mornings (very occasionally), she comes quietly and with little argument. She is also very new, having been at the creche for little over a week.
Now, tell me which are the better parents? The ones who leap to a child’s every demand, who coddle and let them run every aspect of the adults’ lives, or the ones who has shown them the importance of independance and given them the basic skills they need to survive outside an environment other than home, and form bonds with other people?
You know the one I would pick.
Do not fret that you’re loving your son less. By imparting these skills on him, you are teaching him valuable lessons that he will use for the rest of his life. By teaching him independance NOW, rather than battling with a willful toddler/primary schooler/teenager later, you show that you are better than a great many parents I know.
If I wore a hat, I’d take it off to you.
And that concludes this essay… O.o Sorry for the ramble…
We did a version of Ferberizing with E, after her doctor tried to explain “trained night waking” to us. I realized we had trained her to wake in the middle of the night and to have a difficult time going to sleep in the first place.
This was my first HUGE lesson as a parent. Sometimes attention and extra cuddling is the wrong thing to give.
The beauty of it all was that E showed us right away that she was sleeping better and feeling better when she was awake.
also, I’m sorry for the Poo’s ear ache. That hurts so much…
Sounds to me like you’re giving them exactly what they need. A good mother, with good intentions and a good idea of what is best for them.
I feel for The Poo and the ear aches though, goodness knows Rowan had more than her fair share of those, and they suck.
They say that crying can be very good for the baby’s lungs (sort of lung exercise). But true enough, a baby’s crying is painful for the mother’s heart.