I felt a searing pain in my hip region Saturday afternoon, when Shaggy Boy was performing his usual gymnastics on my lap.
I put him down and went to investigate. I pulled my jeans down and there it was: an angry, red boil the size of oh, THE SUN.
I’m not one of those fair-haired, smooth-skinned damsels who smugly announce that they NEVER SHAVE, because they just don’t have to. No, I’m a good old-fashioned Eastern European girl whose daily routine includes inspecting my body for new, unwanted hairs.
These days, with the goats children, the work, the husband and the house, my grooming has fallen by the wayside. Not to mention the whole winter thing. I’m sorry, I just can’t be bothered to whip out the Nair when it’s -5 degrees outside.
Can I get an amen, ladies?
So there I am, with this burning pustule in my crotchular area, thinking about how I meant to call the salon and set up a waxing appointment. You should SEE my eyebrows. I look like an extra from Planet of the Apes.
Then I remembered how when I went to call, the phone rang. Or my email pinged. Or my kid needed a diaper change, or juice or a new DVD to watch while I was on the phone, doing laundry, blogging and trolling the Interwebs for more paid gigs so that if my husband doesn’t get a job next year we won’t wind up living in the FUCKING MINIVAN.
There is never enough time.
Or rather, there is plenty of time for all kinds of other bullshit, but there is just not enough time for me.
Oh, I know, wah wah wah, Mrs. Chicken. Wah wah wah, we’re all busy, we all have hardships, we’re all worried …
… but does everyone have a FUCKING BLOOD BLISTER THAT COULD LEAD TO A BLOOD INFECTION BECAUSE THERE JUST ISN’T TIME TO SHAVE THEIR HIRSUTE BIKINI LINE?
The past 12 months have been all about being pregnant, keeping the kids alive, dealing with my marriage and trying to figure out just what it is I want from this life of mine. I’ve made headway, that much is certain.
I want my family, just as it is. I also want a career that makes me happy. I am on my way, and I just need to press on no matter what criticism or outside influence comes my way. If the paid work dries up with the economy, then I start the book I’ve long put aside, thinking: no time, no talent.
I can make time.
I have the talent.
What does this have to do with my ingrown pubic hair, besides filing this post under the categories of “grossing out my sister” and “too much information about Mrs. Chicken?”
I need to put myself first sometimes. Personal grooming is not a selfish endeavor. It should not come last on my list of things to do.
I should never come last on my list of things to do. Third or fourth, maybe. But last?
No way.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it is so easy to put ourselves last because we know that somehow, we will survive. And it is hard to decide what will come last, if the mommy doesn’t. I have 3 small kids, how can I deliberately put them last? My husband gets shoved into last place sometimes, but then I start to worry about the state of my marriage and “yank” him back up to a higher priority. The house gets put last quite often. But eventually the “dirty” feeling becomes too much and massive cleaning occurs. So I put myself last because that’s the easiest solution. Maybe the trick is to rotate the last place spot. Tell me if you figure it out.
Have you seen the two caterpillars making their way across my brows?
Truly criminal…I can’t believe the fashion police haven’t knocked on my door.
If we were prehistoric gals, I’m sure the cave men would be whistling at me! (Or saying “Ugh!” But in a good way.)
Maybe instead of meeting for coffee, we should meet for a waxing
Okay so I’m cracking up about the ingrown hair because I had one too, but I think it is totally harmless. I am one of those women who must groom too. And you’re right, it’s for me. It makes me feel better. My husband could probably care less but I like, at least that region, nice and tidy. That’s ANOTHER thing “they” don’t tell you about when you have kids. The random and ever expanding hair growth in all sorts of areas.
Okay, now I’ve got TMI on your blog. But, it is frusterating when you have a big ingrown hair to remind you to take more time for yourself. And you are SO talented. You will never have to live in your minivan!!
I even think you can occasionally be #2. And I really hope you don’t die!
It’s so wrong to giggle about this, yet here I am, giggling.
While trying desperately to block out the mental image of your boil-laden pubic area.
Giggle.
Boil-ridden or not, I will always love you because you use words like “hirsute.”
Grab a pair of tweezers and squeeze it. It will hurt like HELL but the boil will pop and the ingrown hair will unfurl and it will be fine.
Of course, my idea of personal grooming is a shower every other day or so (or any time I work out) and clean clothes. I don’t have time or desire for anything else.
there is no such thing as TMI in blogs. we crave TMI. or is it just me?
i feel for you. i had one about a year and a half ago and it was murder. i ended up at the doctor, who said don’t pop it, because then you run the risk of infection and you really don’t want all that going on down there.
I’ve had the pube boils of which you speak. When I was pregnant with someone (?) I shaved my nethers for a trip to the beach, and then couldn’t really reach to tend to them as they grew out again. Of course I grew 2-3 giant ingrown hair boils. By the time I was scheduled to start having internal exams, they were great weeping pubic sores that crusted to my gigantipanties every day.
I don’t remember what I did, other than eventually overcoming my embarrassment and telling my friends about it, and they reassured me that it wasn’t my fault that I’m a hairy mofo.
SO, I hope that disgusting tale makes you feel better.
Wow, sorry about your situation, but since you brought it up, what perfect timing to ask if you will repost the link to a story you once noted regarding the Most Horrific Bikini Wax Ever. I was thinking of searching for it just a coupe days ago. If you remember it at all, help me out here, please! It has been a long time, tho.
I just had my twin blonde caterpillar eyebrows waxed and tinted, I feel so old-Hollywood. I like to think I look like Veronica Lake when my brows are nice, but I’m sure it’s just me that sees it, lol. I don’t worry so much about the nether-region, but I did recently run into a long-ago ex boyfriend who asked me, in public, “Do you still shave that thing?” And he WAS overheard, and the look on that poor lady’s face was priceless. Umm, no. “Well, it was really wierd”. OK. NIce to see you again, mm-hhmmm, g-bye.
Did you hear that a waxing spa in NYC ran a special on Inauguration Day? They called it “Get Rid of Bush Day”.
Hope you’re comfortable again soon!
I would add something but after Jen’s reference to gigantipanties I am doubled over laughing and hoping I won’t pee mine.
Wow. I think you need to seek wider publication for this somehow. This gets to the very essence of the rub (pub intended) when we’re overworked (overwhelmed?) caregivers.
I relate completely. And it makes sense that this brings up the value of your creative life and fears for your family’s comfort and survival.
I get this. Could you expand and explore this more and submit it somewhere fantastic?
This is it.
“pun” intended. sorry.
Amen sister. I usually put myself 5th…oh wait…the dog gets a groomin’ more than I do…so that would leave me at 6th.
Sorry me, I suck.
I should take a cue from my husband, who showers and shaves before leaving the house every day – working or not.
Here I am still in the clothes I wore yesterday.
What’s wrong with that picture?
Oh wow, do I ever relate to this! I haven’t had a haircut since just after HALLOWEEN, my calluses on my feet have actually made me an inch or two taller and, TMI, I had an ingrown hair on my stomach (WTF?) a couple of weeks ago. Who gets them there? Apparently, I do!
Well I’m still alive. Is it bad that I am single and childless and just shaved my legs for the first time in… a while?
Occasion? a Dr’s appt fr my runner’s knee.
My life is soooo exciting.
Delurking to say that this is definitely the funniest post that I’ve read all day. Made me lol for real.
You can get a whole CRATE of amens from me. I’m doing good to shave my legs when the hair gets long enough to start itching.
I am so anal about my eyebrows that it just isn’t funny…but my hairy monkey legs? I intentionally wait because of the ingrown-ness potential
It’s subzero outside. Not, not, not going to do anything but hide myself under layers, hat and coat. Of course, I’m not going to look in any mirrors for a while, either.
Amen. But … only if YOU want to, ‘k?
I have to agree with Carrie (who commented earlier)… squeezing hurts like a something even the foulest words in any language can’t describe… but it’s sometimes the only thing you can do. And it makes it feel better very quickly.
I suggest a hot bath (hot to the point of scalding) beforehand. (My mother swears by this).
I get them all the time. They’re really frickin’ awful.
BTW- use a hot compress, it will bring everything to the surface. It’s true. I had a cyst (not in those netherregions) and when they told me to use hot compresses, I didn’t think it would actually work. It does.
And, after reading and commenting yesterday, I stopped and got my eyebrows threaded.
I am sitting here in my office at work laughing out loud! Ms. Chicken, you whine a lot, you can be a bit negative but sister, you are real.
As far as the pulsing pustule, the docs always say not to squeeze them but I always do. Maybe I am just a person without much excitement in my life but there is something satisfying about the feel of a giant zit when it bursts!
Kathy U
unfortunately – I think we’re the ones that always put ourselves last… it just seems to be the way it is!
Waxing maybe not the best option — painful. There is an alternative to razor, wax and laser hair removal. It is small hair trimmer + finishing foil shaver (works similar way as men’s electric shavers). There are several brands out there, my favorite is ultimate personal shaver. You can try it out, many people find it a way better option comparing to razor and wax.