Known as The Plastic Curtain, some Midwestern citizens say this barrier is a violation of their rights.
CHAMBANA—Nearly 20 years to the day after the Berlin Wall fell and communism began to wither and die across Eastern Europe, another divisive ideology is tearing one Midwestern family apart.
Forced to take action, Chambana mother Mrs. Chicken resurrected the notion of East vs. West and erected a Plastic Curtain in order to maintain some semblance of order in her household of four.
“I had no choice,” says Chicken, sitting primly on a bright green sofa. “You’ve been here for 45 minutes; just look at the destruction he is capable of in that short time.”
Her son, just 9 months old, yelled and pawed at the plastic wall that now separates him from his sister. The Poo, 4, plays her computer game silently as the boy slobbers and shakes the barrier with his otherwordly strength.
“I love Barbie dot com,” says The Poo. “I can’t play Barbie dot come when Shaggy is awake. Then Mama got me this fence and I can play again!”
“The fence” in question is a 12-foot line of interlocking plastic grid, dividing one side of the family’s living space from another. Behind the fences lies everything a baby boy could possibly want: the 42-inch flat-screen television, a satellite-TV box, a glass fireplace and, of course, the desktop computer.
“I don’t want to engage in ideological battles,” says Chicken, waving her hand at the barrier and dismissing notions that she rules with an iron fist. “But I didn’t have a choice. When you get right down to it, this family is not a democracy. It is, at best, a benevolent dictatorship.”
The baby, known as Shaggy, is less sanguine about this recent series of events. He feels the despot in charge here is abusing her power and preventing him from learning valuable lessons about safety and technology.
“Ggrrrrahhhhhaaa!” he says. “GAHGHTYEYHJHAHTHATHT!”
Roughly translated, says his mother, the baby is accusing her of holding him hostage by withholding the media and limiting his access to the outside world via the Internet.
“Censorship was never my primary goal,” Chicken says, defending her tough stance. “However, once it became apparent that he could navigate to adult-only sites just by pounding his fists on the keyboard, we determined that some dissidents cannot be allowed to circulate with the rest of society.”
The Poo, whose Internet access is also limited to Barbie dot com, PBS Kids and Noggin, declined to share her opinions for fear of retribution from the government. She did, however, take a reporter aside and ask him to “please buy a new remote for the DVD player, so those games on my Repunzel DVD will work.”
Chicken stands firm on the fact that the house must remain divided for the forseeable future. “It’s a safety issue,” she explains. “When the people are ready to obey, we can open the gate and play together. My hope is that we can do so within the next two years.”
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Tee hee! I think I need one of those!
Heather’s last blog post..Packing and Life
this is absolutely fabulous and cracked me up.
of course, we have the same, erm, political situation in our home and thus i am ideologically in your corner, comrade.
Bon’s last blog post..ridiculous hallmark holiday edition
Totally hilarious! Well thought out and written. Wish I could write like that.
Catherine’s last blog post..Expo Voiles
Oh I love this. I can see one of those in my future, as EVERY thing the girls own is a choking hazard. Also, they are convinced all of it is the most precious item to them in the world.
Issa’s last blog post..Mother’s Day and a few random announcements
What a splendid idea! I wish I had thought of this when Lucy was a wee one and hell bent on terrorizing Sam. Nice work, Mrs. Chicken!
Amy Jo’s last blog post..Early Morning Fun
Ha!
We have a gate separating the living room from the kitchen. We say it’s to keep the Chipmunk from getting into the dogs water and/or up the stairs without supervision, but really it’s so we can be lazy and sit on the couch while he plays. When the Monkey was a baby we were in a different house so we made a jail out of a few rubbermaid toy boxes and the couch – worked like a charm.
Great reporting! Loved your post today. And can totally appreciate the wall.
Leighann’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day
I was thinking of getting one and using it to fence myself off from the rest of the family.
Oh … lawd. Good stuff.
toyfoto’s last blog post..Mama’s little devil
ROFLAMO..this is fabulous!!!
pgoodness’s last blog post..day of the mama
Brilliant idea — both the “news” article and the fence. Might have to steal, I mean “borrow,” both
Thanks for the laugh!
I see that you’re feeling a wee bit better today! Brilliant post. (But really, we would read anything, so don’t feel any pressure to be brilliant all the time. Just blog for yourself and we’ll come along for the ride.)
Kaza’s last blog post..Happy Mama’s Day!!!
I love this!! You rawk Mrs. Chicken!!
Double Agent Girl’s last blog post..This is what happens.
Newsflash: Plastic Curtain Called ‘Genious’
A new movement is making its way across the country in response to a recent story in which a Chambana mother of two, Mrs. Chicken, erected what is now known as the Plastic Curtain in her living room, successfully separating her 9-month-old and 4-year-old children.
Parents for the Use of the Plastic Curtain by Chicken or PUP-C2 are standing behind the use of this historically controversial division tactic.
“It’s genious!” says a PUP-C2 member and Seattle mother who admits to using a Pack ‘N’ Play as a baby jail in the past for her 11-month-old son in order to empty the dishwasher. “Thanks to Mrs. Chicken, parents across the U.S. will be able to work on their computers, cook and even go to the bathroom alone once again.”
Kerrie’s last blog post..Mean Girls in the Family
Brilliant post!
That is brilliant. Absolutely BRILLIANT. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages!
ha ha, you are so awesome.
So long as the militia doesn’t show up to enforce the border, all should be fine.
laughing my ass off, and boy did I need that this afternoon.
Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..The Walk & a giveaway
Brilliant! Love how you wrote this post!
I plan to steal this idea in the not-so-far-off future!
Jenna’s last blog post..Just another post to tell you I’m still pregnant
Great post – very funny and witty writing.
I’d sort of like one of those for myself; me on one side and everyone else on the other. At least for a few hours!
Ahhhh yes, the plastic curtain is about to go back up at my house too. I am not looking forward to, once again, jumping over gates of all kinds as they divide my house into a mini prison. But they do keep the peace. Last time even tried this one out that bolts to the wall and had a door.
Crystal D’s last blog post..The A-word
HIL-LARRY-OUS!!!
Great writing and brillant idea. I wish I would have thought of that when my little girl was younger, she was a holy terror!
Harley Quinn’s last blog post..Totally disturbing but Hysterical at the same time
Mrs. Chicken, tear down this plastic wall!
I miss Chambana, but I’m excited to get to go back down there for my sister’s graduation this weekend. I’ll have to keep an eye out for any SWAT teams roping off a city block to deal with a cold war turned hot.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..A robotic family portrait
you = brilliant.
Hilarious!
We too have a plastic curtain separating choking hazards and electronics from the potential choke-ee.
Lady M’s last blog post..Becoming Totally Hopeless
*gigglesnort*
Jennifer’s last blog post..Lyrical Fridays 2
Brilliant! Ha ha love the way you wrote it! And an ingenius idea as well
bahahaha Poor Shaggy, but yeah! for The Poo…
I’m so conflicted!!!
Clink’s last blog post..purge.
Excellent stuff – bet you feel like a big old meanie doing it to him too.
Jonathan’s last blog post..Crazy Schedule Invites Tumblr and Twitter to Seduce Me
“this family is not a democracy. It is, at best, a benevolent dictatorship.”
Ms. Chicken you should be teaching parenting classes! Really…
Brilliant! See? You’re funny. Please, oh please send this to The Onion.
Misc’s last blog post..The Mighty Fly
Long time lurker…had to compliment you on such a hilarious take on a real life situation. You have a gift for conveying a story.
Hilarious! I love it and need one of those for my little ones.
I loved this post! How creative. And funny. And basically, just awesome.
Rachael’s last blog post..Long Days
We used the very same plastic curtain to much success for about a five or six month period of time.
I miss that period of time when she could be content in a smaller, safer version of the world.
However, only the dog taunted her back then. If she had had an older sister being able to do gloriously fun things on the other side, I’m sure the five or six month period would have lasted two months tops.
Some of these kid things serve such a profound function. You know?
cathy’s last blog post..tea at the Heathman
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