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The Future Is Now

by Mrs. Chicken on May 15, 2009

Yesterday Mr. C got a letter in the mail.

It was a thin letter, the kind of letter that caused me to live in a constant state of anxiety from December 1988 to April 1989.

It was a rejection letter.

We are not moving to Ohio, just as we did not move to Wisconsin. We are staying right here in Chambana for at least the next 12 months. From May to May we’ll be here, playing on playgrounds, eating at Culver’s, going to Saturday evening Mass, fretting about our dead grass, traveling for the holidays, fussing, fighting and loving each other.

The matter is settled.

I thought I would feel bad. After all, the last time, I cried. I cried a little bit this time, too, but mostly out of relief. The unknown is now known. I can send my daughter to a school of our choosing, I can keep Shaggy with the same pediatrician, I can figure out how to be a friend and grow the circle of people who care about me and, in return, learn to care about something and someone beyond the small borders of my comfort zone.

The last 12 months have been fraught with anxiety for me. Beginning last spring when my pregnancy with Shaggy began to go awry. I had a terrible scare, thanks to incompetent care, and I could have lost him. Then he was hospitalized. Then we struggled to get him healthy and happy.

I worried about caring for and loving two children. I worried about finding work, and how we would manage to give them everything they needed as the fiscal world came crashing down. I was diagnosed with a painful, chronic disease. I struggled with depression.

Then came the job search and a whole new way to worry. I shut myself off from my friends, in what I now see as an effort to disengage from Chambana, to shut down the real sorrow I felt about leaving our life here behind. I harbored anger in my heart, for anyone and anything I could lash out at.

I was blind.

Yesterday when that envelope came in the mail, I knew before I opened it that we wouldn’t be leaving in August. The words “we’re sorry” never looked so good.

I am sad for my husband, whose ego is bruised. He, too, is relieved, though. It is time to buckle down, to get this chapter written so we can move on. I am embarking on a venture with one of the smartest women I know, something I dreamed about as a girl waiting for her words to come. The words will come for Mr. C, too, and we will bid goodbye to this strange middle-beginning properly.

With degree in hand. With goals met. With a family freshly minted. With the trappings of success.

The future is now.

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Hillary May 15, 2009 at 9:57 am

It’s so good to hear you hopeful. Good luck on your new venture!

Hillary’s last blog post..Good and bad

Domestic Extraordinaire May 15, 2009 at 10:11 am

I am glad that you know where you are going to be. I remember when my hubby was in the military, as each time neared for us to change duty stations I was a mess with worry, uprooting and having to fit in somewhere new.

Can’t wait to hear about your new venture!

Domestic Extraordinaire’s last blog post..Waterboarding doesn’t have anything on this

Shannon May 15, 2009 at 10:24 am

I love to hear the hope in your voice. Strange Middle Beginning, how well put! I know that place – I live there some days. I hate moving more than anything in the world, but for my husband, I would move tomorrow if I had to. I can’t wait to hear about your new project!

Shannon’s last blog post..ProcastiNation

Kirsten May 15, 2009 at 10:51 am

I think this is the most relaxed I’ve seen you in ages, possibly since I started reading your blog. I’m glad you can face forward with the certaintly of knowing what you will see. There’s nothing worse than looking towards the future and seeing nothing but a gaping abyss of uncertainty. Nothing worse.

I hope things keep improving, and that you come out of your shell and spend time with your friends, and just BE HAPPY without fretting things will go awry. And of course, I hope you keep writing about it. ^_^

Good luck, Mrs C. ^_^

Kirsten’s last blog post..It’s the little things that make this job so worthwhile.

lbotp May 15, 2009 at 10:53 am

I have another friend who is moving this summer and has acted in a similar fashion, disengaging with our friends and basically disappearing. It is human nature. Don’t beat yourself up.

Hope your mind can get some rest now.

(Selfishly I love that you are going to be here and my bones are literally bursting with excitement about our plans.)

lbotp’s last blog post..don’t knock it until …

Hip Mom's Guide May 15, 2009 at 10:54 am

Go Get ‘Em, Mrs. C!!

Emily May 15, 2009 at 11:16 am

I breathed a sigh of relief for you after reading that. Holding your breath for an entire year must’ve left you more than just blue in the face. Three cheers for (some) stability.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find out where the hell Chambana is. Sounds exotic.

Leighann May 15, 2009 at 11:41 am

Maybe it’s a good thing (for now).

As someone who moved to another state (and got married and had her first baby) before having my graduate degree in hand, I can tell you that it’s much, much better for him to have that slip of paper before starting the next chapter of your lives.

And all the people I know who have embraced C-U have grown to love it. Open your mind and your heart to this town and all it has to offer (including it’s residents) and the next year will be great.

Leighann’s last blog post..Appreciated

mayberry May 15, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Well, crap, I’m sorry about the job! (So much for my influence.) But you sound so positive about what’s to come for your whole family. Can’t wait to hear about this new venture.

mayberry’s last blog post..When I am a mom I will never … Oops.

cathy May 15, 2009 at 3:57 pm

How could you possibly figure out your next step before you knew which state to put it in? Bravo for both of you!

cathy’s last blog post..tea at the Heathman

Emily R May 15, 2009 at 4:55 pm

rock on, sister

La Rêveuse May 15, 2009 at 6:35 pm

Sorry, Mr. Chicken. But you? Mrs.? Happy for you. Weird to spell relief r-e-j-e-c-t-i-o-n, but whatever it takes. (((AH)))

Kerrie May 15, 2009 at 7:06 pm

That’s a lot to go through. I’m glad things will be settling down. And, I can’t wait to hear about your venture!

Kerrie’s last blog post..Shuffle Shuffle vs Click Clack

flutter May 15, 2009 at 9:08 pm

beautiful things are right around the corner

flutter’s last blog post..In this moment, I am well (or, what the hell is flutter on about, anyway?)

Don Mills Diva May 16, 2009 at 10:41 am

I think your happiness is right around the corner for sure…

Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..How Martha and Quentin messed up the world

Heather May 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm

I love to hear you optimistic! Sorry that Mr. C is not feeling as happy about things, but things always tend to turn out fine.

Heather’s last blog post..Fiction: The Best Laid Plans

Cyndi May 16, 2009 at 6:53 pm

It’s too long a story to explain here, but in the past two years we’ve sold our house, moved away, bought a house, sold the house, moved back, bought a new house and are finally settling down again. Sometimes a rejection and a shake-up in best-laid plans is just the thing to get us where we need to be. And I can tell you from experience — investing in your community and friendships there is definitely the right choice, even if there’s a risk of having to leave some day. The true friendships will outlast all. Best wishes to your and your family!

Kris May 17, 2009 at 9:50 am

“Strange middle beginning.” Familiar with that status. Keep in mind that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (um, unless you’ve TM’d the phrase). The phrase so aptly describes my family’s life right now that you’re all but sure to hear it bounce back to you somewhere in the neighborhood. ;-)

Good luck with your new project – it sounds very exciting!

Jonathan May 17, 2009 at 12:52 pm

Fingers crossed :)

Jonathan’s last blog post..A Quiet Day at Home

Coco May 18, 2009 at 3:05 pm

Having an answer beats the hell out of waiting to know every time, doesn’t it?

I hope things continue to look up.

Coco’s last blog post..So the starfish died and I cried for an hour because the alternative was to hurl myself off an overpass.