I never identified myself using labels.
That isn’t to say that I can’t be labeled. I am many things: wife, daughter, sister, friend, mother, partner, writer, worker, sister … the list is long. Many of the labels I’ve worn include “not”—not popular, not outgoing.
But when it comes to -isms, I just don’t think about them. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some kind of self-serving sermon about how I am above being labeled or how I’m just so cool and so out there that labels don’t apply to me. In fact, I am a very mainstream person. I like cable TV and J. Crew and the potato is my all-time favorite food.
No, it isn’t that.
Take feminism, for instance. Could you define me as a feminist? In the classical sense, no. But in the way I live my life, making choices that are best for me in terms of work and family, then yes, you could call me a feminist. When it came time for me to choose a profession, I made the decision based not on my gender, but on my passion.
I wanted to be a reporter. It never occurred to me to think about myself as a “female reporter.” Then I wanted to stay home with my daughter. So could you call me a SAHM? Yeah, you could, and sometimes I call myself that, too, because it is the easiest, most literal way to describe my life to outsiders.
I am a mom. I stayed home with my kids.
Now, I spend many hours of my week writing for money. So that makes me a WAHM, right? And that makes YOU a WOHM, right? And what if you work part-time? Are you a PTSAHM or a PTWOHM?
All this alphabet soup only serves to mire us in the very thing we say we seek so hard to avoid. We say we want to love and support one another. But we find new and interesting ways to point the finger at each other and pin these labels on our backs so that we can point with the power of a crowd behind us.
At what point do we let the crowd become a community?
At what point do we stop fighting among ourselves and act like the loving, caring woman—yes, women—that we are inside our hearts? When do we realize that words are powerful, and labels are among the strongest weapons in our arsenal, for good and for bad?
Words like retard and stupid and hate and ugly and fat are as hurtful as bullets. They wound, and the scars are tender for a lifetime.
Words like SAHM and WAHM and WOHM and hipster parent and helicopter parent and bad mother … these are all words that are at once meaningless and more profound than we can ever fathom. We use these words, sometimes thoughtfully, to provoke debate, and sometimes emotionally, because we are tired and frustrated and we just know the grass is greener over there, for that person wearing the label we covet.
***
She was a woman in a male-dominated corporate culture, the kind of woman who takes her earring off to talk on the phone. She had her colors done and charged it to the company as a “development opportunity.” She wore scarves in creative ways and had the kind of haircut you see on a certain kind of marketing executive who came of age during the second round of the feminist revolution.
This is the woman for whom the battle was fought. The marching and the protesting, and all the tears and sweat and blood of those early revolutionaries in fact created this woman.
She would do anything to get ahead. She would shake your hand while stabbing you in the back. Her every move was calculated to build the next rung on her ladder to the top. She called herself a “champion for women” and one day, she told me that I would move up a lot faster if I would only wear more make-up.
And a skirt wouldn’t hurt my chances, either.
***
My daughter was sick last weekend, and I prefer to tend to the wee ones when they are unwell. I have so many memories of my mother’s cool hand on my hot forehead. I cherish those memories; they make me feel safe and cared for even now, when the dark middle of the night wraps its hands around my neck and I struggle with all the worries in my heart.
So I bundled her up, my little girl, and held her head while she vomited in a towel. I pushed her hair out of her eyes and fetched her cold water. Drink it in tiny sips, I told her. Mama’s right here with you, I told her.
She lay next to me, and she reached out with her hand. I took her small palm in my own and squeezed gently. “Mama,” she whispered. “You are the bestest mama of all the mamas. Bester than anyone else’s mama.”
And just like that, my girl, she labeled me. It is a badge I wear with pride, the only label that need apply. It is a label 38 years in the making, one delivered with the purity of soul that can only be achieved when your heart is new.
These are the labels that matter.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
That was one of the most sterotypical descriptions of a working woman I’ve read in years. Did you copy this out of a 1985 paperback novel or something?
I know you like labels, but do you think it’s fair to say that all you’d rather work for a man because all woman bosses are two-faced?
How about this:
If you give me the choice between working for a Hispanic, and working for a White, I say give me the caucasion. He and I both know how he is going to behave. He’s going to act like a dick sometimes, and we shake hands on that. Working for a Hispanic? You just never know which face you are going to get.
Anyhow, from the looks of it you aren’t going to be around a wide range of people anyway, so no need to challenge your worldview.
@Sandra No, I did not have to copy that from a book – that woman was my actual boss and she behaved in exactly that manner. My whole point was that women tend to approach the world in a more emotional way (at least that is how I see it) and that we let many of our past experiences color the way we operate in the world.
Do men do that too? Yes, I think, but in my experience to a lesser degree. And I can tell you right now that no man I ever worked for felt he had the right to comment on my wardrobe or my make-up, and that if he did he’s be in for a world of hurt from the HR department. The woman felt it was JUST FINE to comment on my appearance (and allow it to color her “worldview” of me when it came time to dole out raises and promotions).
Also, I do prefer working for men. My experience with male supervisors has been that they are very upfront in their criticism. My female supervisors (not all of them, mind you) tended to be the opposite.
And no, I would not insert any other adjective in that sentence. I was speaking to my personal experience with male and female supervisors, in a very specific environment.
And as far as my worldview, you have no idea how wide it is.
Hrmmmmm…
“the bestest mama of all the mamas”
now THAT is a label I can get behind!
Nothing better than Mama!
I had that boss, too, at a HUGE (Fortune 150) company. And I worked at corporate HQ in HR! My male bosses? A lot of them were jerks, but NONE of them told me to not wear a certain lipstick color or to get my hair cut a certain way. I know who you are talking about. I know you are not labeling ALL women. I had some great female bosses, but there are people like you described out there. Aren’t you glad to be outta there?
PS: My heart bursts every time my son says mama. I may just pass out the day he puts words like “the bestest mama of all the mamas” together.
I too struggle with the labels. For better or worse, I am what I am. whatever that is.
I would like to think of myself as a good boss. I guess in my own business, I cna afford to be. I wonder what kind of bosses I will have in my next job? And what kind will I be?
I have been told to wear makeup by women bosses. I hate that. I have also been told that maybe I should get a haircut or tie my hair back by male bosses. I have crazy hair and endured a childhood of crew cuts as my mother refused to deal with it. My husband says he has to say nice things to my hair or it might try to kill him while we sleep. I have told the 2 bosses that commented on my hair, did you hire me for what I can do or what my hair looks like? That stopped them in their tracks.
Labels? I just want to be free to be who I am. (And my sons happily play with my hair)
I thought it was a lovely piece. Thanks for writing it.
Wow, what a fantastic site! Thanks for stopping by my blog today.
Your post rang true to me and reminded me of the book “The Mommy Myth” which reveals the SAHM vs Working Mom myth. Most women do both at some point, intermittenly, through different phases of their lives.
As for sick children, I’m so anxious when my boys are ill, but feeling their bodies calm to my embrace is the best medicine in the world for all of us.
I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but every male boss I had promoted me and gave me raises. Every female boss continually told me I wasn’t doing enough.
Isn’t The Bestest Mama the very bestest label ever?
I just love people who tell you to widen your worldview instead of, perhaps respecting that your view is simply different than theirs.
You’re also One Hell of a Writer, and that label is beautiful on you.
IMO, mainstream American culture in general (which includes female employees as well as female bosses) tends to have different – and not necessarily realistic or appropriate expectations – of male and female bosses. It’s not unlike how there are different expactations of men and women when it comes to housework, childcare, and other professional and domestic roles that continue to have strong, if evolving, gendered expectations. A dad who takes three weeks of parental leave following the birth of a child, does occasional grocery shopping, and washes the cloth diapers typically gets feted as a pro-feminist hero. Mom who does the same would probably be considered selfish for going back to work so soon and being uninvolved with her baby. Likewise, if the baseline for a good male boss is merely that he doesn’t actually sexually assault his employees when he decides to act like a dick, he’s going to look great compared to the female boss who is expected to be competent, fair, understanding of our personal as well as professional needs, nurturing, tough-but-not-brittle, capable of giving feedback without hurting feelings…I could go on, but you get the point. Of course there are workplaces where women bosses treat women employees badly; remember, however, that nasty things like sexism are often deeply internalized. Even those of us who consider ourselves progressive and feminist can unwittingly fall prey to our “isms” and judge each other unfairly, regardless of position in the professional heirarchy.
And the various mommy acronyms/labels? Don’t fit me either. I agree that they are at best tiresome and often divisive.
bestest mama = the best label ever!!!
I’m a chronic, without a job, in therapy constantly 4 days a week, psychiatric patient. What label do I give myself? Am I a housewife? I’m not married. My child’s a grown up. I’m not a leper, but a survivor. There is no handy acronym for me. We don’t all fit in labels and isms. Some of us are indescribable. Yet we participate in life too.
Okay, apologies for the worldview comment. That was unnecessarily snarky.
I don’t know how old you are, how long you worked, where, for whom, etc., but your post saddened me (not the mommy part, that was all sugar). Your old boss was trying to help you, in an awkward way. You voted with your feet. The end. If nothing else, you learned what you don’t like, which is worth something.
Prejudices help people feel more secure, particularly when deep down they know they can’t control much in life. It’s very natural to label people and shun “types.” It feels much safer to remain unchallenged professionally. So: you stay away from those mean female bosses! They might say something about yoru lipstick!!
I just popped over from One Plus Two and had to tell you how much I enjoyed this smart, smart post. The way women are with each other fascinates me too and I really like what you have to say about it.
I agree that women can be hard on one another – particularly when it comes to labeling – breast vs. bottlefeeders, working mothers vs. SAHMs, etc. I agree that we should work to deconstruct the stereotypes and labels and celebrate our unity, while also celebrating our diversity. Labels, such as “feminist”, or “genderqueer”, or “homeschooling mom” are also used for self-identification and as a way for like-minded people to connect. Words can be used for good and bad – they do hold power, all the same.
I tend to agree with Sandra that your description of the working woman (and your dismissal of her) is just as hurtful as the very words and labels you threw out in the paragraph above. I’ve worked for several female bosses. They’ve all been fabulous and fair. They’ve never once commented on my need to wear more make-up or a skirt. (That was a move I decided on myself, and not to “walk up the ladder”, but to boost my own self-image a bit.) I currently work with a strong team of female engineers and scientists – we all work well together. I’ve been amazed and impressed by the comraderie among female leads. That is MY experience. I think your view is based on your experience, which is fine…but it’s a stereotype you’ve developed nonetheless.
I don’t wish to be rude and I’m not attempting to be snarky – I love your blog and your writing. I love the image of your daughter and you snuggled together. But I do think you’ve just given a prime example of the very issue you’ve identified as problematic, by putting the negative image of the corporate female boss in direct juxtaposition to the comments from your daughter.
You don’t hide from the controversial out there in the far midwest, do you? Wow! You must be from the East Coast, or something.
I think this strikes a chord with so many of us because you’re describing something we all understand–regardless of what our “labels” are and how we feel about them. This is exactly the kind of post I like to read, though, because it’s moving the conversation along, asking the questions, making us stop and think about how our choices affect us and others.
And she’s the Bestest Girl, too, isn’t she? You’re lucky to be there with her. Hope she’s feeling all better!
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Hmm, I’m currently “stepping up” in a leadership position (I’m a union steward and chairing a Health Benefits Advocacy Committee), am looking for a long-term career in finance and most likely going to b-school next year. I guess I’m seriously disappointed by the idea that a woman might not want to work for me because of my gender (current marital status, current childlessness etc.). In fact, it’s the poor ethical and demoralising management behaviour I’ve personally witnessed that has prompted my desire for a career change, and it saddens me to hear that women would be unwilling to work with me or tack any criticism up to my gender rather than my very real beliefs about how an organization should be run.
I don’t feel what your boss said to you is in any way appropriate-but I wonder if you might consider the following read on it:
1) That she felt that women had to look/dress/act a certain way to advance (based on her experiences) and that she was trying to productively mentor you towards advancement in the way she was successful.
2) That male bosses are less invested in their female employees because they assume they’re only there to collect their paycheck and spend the rest of the time with their families.
Either way-if you felt you were being discriminated or punished on the basis of your gender, you could have availed yourself of the law regardless of the gender of your harasser. I also believe the power to address and change a manager’s unfair criticism/behaviour does rest somewhat upon the disgruntled employee.
As far as the other remarks on men not being catty and backstabbing-I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. My ex-boyfriend was a very high ranking executive at a now notorious investment bank (a managing director, actually), one of the youngest on Wall Street. He used to laugh about getting people fired and I witnessed plenty of backstabbing and behind-the-back-trashtalking-conference-calls between him and his rival managing directors. It wasn’t just him-it was all of them. It really blew the lid off the whole “men aren’t like that” meme for me (something I also partially believed at the time). The reason no one talks about it is that a) there usually aren’t very many women at their level because they all drop like flies after a certain point so people really don’t know how these types of megalomanical uber-successful mean really behave and b)that society still categorises male backstabbing as “cutthroat business efficiency” while punishing women who behave in the same way as catty b*tches.
Highly ambitious people, male or female, mostly tend to be sh*ts. I agree that men and women communicate very differently, but I disagree that women are instrincally bad managers eager to rip apart their female employees.
This is a wonderful post. I’m glad you wrote it. I am so tired of seeing women tear other women down.