Last night I had a major meltdown. The kind of meltdown that starts with a small thing, a tease or a joke that would normally roll off your back.
But it doesn’t roll off your back. Instead, you find yourself yelling at the top of your lungs while your husband dusts the floorboards and your kids roam around in the background.
The kind of meltdown that takes you out of your body. You watch yourself, red-faced and screaming, from the ceiling, hovering over your own head and tsk-tsking while a ranting crazy lady wears herself out reciting a litany of past transgressions against her.
You watch this woman, wearing a ridiculous pair of pigtails and dirty yoga pants, and you wonder:
How did this happen?
I lost it yesterday. I said mean and stupid things to my husband. I was so angry that I didn’t know if I could stop—stop the anger, or stop the tears that came later.
Every pent-up feeling about the past year and a half came out of me last night, like a horrible case of the stomach flu. Last night was the verbal equivalent of sitting on the pot with diarrhea while you’re barfing into the garbage can.
I managed to keep the kids out of the way, but I know they heard me at least a little. How could they not? And I hurt my husband deeply.
My husband has his quirks, but anyone who knows me understands that I am as weird as they come. My husband has stood by me and held my hand on countless days, some devastating and some joyful.
Most of all, he holds my hand on the regular days.
I am sad and embarrassed and ashamed, and I saw something in myself that I’ve seen before in others, and I hated it.
Remember when I said I was going to get the pills for Teh Crazy?
Yeah. I didn’t do that.
Because taking pills is weak! Because I am stronger than that! I don’t need anyone to talk to! I need more money, and I need pretty clothes and I need to eat more deep-fried foods! I just need to make sure I take a shower every day! Maybe I need to exercise!
Maybe I’m not crazy. Hey! You know what? YOU’RE the crazy one! Yeah, that’s the ticket! It’s everyone else! IT’S NOT ME.
It is me. It is a flaw in my brain, as much a part of my physical being as my brown eyes and that weird pinky toenail I have that splits in half no matter how much lotion or cuticle cream I use.
I need to take antidepressants. In fact, as soon as I get done with this confession, I am going to get them from the pharmacy at Wal-Mart. Did you know that antidepressants are just $4 if you get them at Wal-Mart?
A bargain under any circumstance.
My hair is falling out in huge clumps. I want to work so badly and when I get work I freak out. The Babyman won’t nap and that feels like the end of the world. I don’t know what we’re going to do with the rest of our lives. I’m trying to start a business and I want it to succeed but then I think, “If you’re involved in this, you are going to fuck it up for your friend.”
This summer, my sister told me that she feels like she has to protect herself and her family from my miserable outlook on life. Do you know what that feels like? To have such a mirror in front of your face?
It feels like glass in your throat. In your heart.
I live in fear. All day, every day. Everything is such a BIG FUCKING HURDLE.
Or at least it is in my fucked-up brain.
I need help. I am not strong enough. And I am not going to fuck up my kids because I am too proud to swallow a pill that might make me a few pounds heavier — and a lot lighter, all at the same time.
Fuck you, depression. Fuck you, brain. You’re on notice.
No more. It stops here.
For my husband and for Emmie and Henry.
It fucking stops here. No matter how many of those pills I have to swallow, along with my pride.
It stops, and it stops today.
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Oh honey. I am sending you the biggest hugs via internet that I can. You are not crazy, you are not weak. you are amazing and strong and wonderful. Taking pills doesn’t make you less strong – it makes you stronger because you have admitted you need help and that you are willing to do it – to take care of yourself and your family.
There’s no where to go but up from here – you are going to be fine. Your husband will forgive you, your children will forget and you will be able to breathe again.
We’ve all been there. Well, I know I have. I love my happy pills – they keep me even and “normal” and I like who I am on them. Off? Not so much a fan of me.
Hang in there…you can do this. xoxo
You are not weak. I know I (or anyone) could say that until the end of time and it would be meaningless. But once you give your brain chemistry a chance to stabilize, you’ll see how strong you really are. I know from being there. I also know the pills don’t have to be forever and they don’t change who you are, they just let the who you are get a chance to breath above water.
oh, babe.
confession? i’m on meds. and they help — a lot.
i didn’t take them for a long time for the same reasons you cite here — i thought that being on medicine meant that i was weak, i was afraid they’d mess with my brain, etc., etc.
they didn’t. they don’t. they have saved my life.
go to wal-mart (or wherever — i hate wal-mart) this minute. you’ll be glad you did.
xoxox
The same thing happened to me.
The angry red face, the break down, everything.
The next day I went to see a doctor and got a prescription for the crazy pills.
I haven’t been crazy since.
I have found balance and joy and happiness.
I hope you find the same thing.
Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength and self-respect.
Go. Heart you my friend.
I took Zoloft for a long time. Sometimes I saw a therapist, sometimes I only saw the dr that got me the pills. The pills will only last for so long. I strongly suggest that while on the antidepressant that you see a therapist that doesn’t take your shit. That is what worked for me.
Good luck
Hang in there. I too have a little bottle of pills, but the days are few and far between that I need them (I’ve had the same prescription for over a year and still have 1/3 of the bottle left). But when I started taking them, I was taking one every other day of so. It does get better (this is something I tell myself when the crazies hit).
You are a great mother. This job we have is tough, even in the easiest situations, even with our families around the corner. But it gets easier. You can do it!
Are you back from Wal-Mart yet? I want to know that you did it this time. {{HUGS}}
I’ve been there, I’ve taken the pills, and I see a psychologist monthly (or more often if I need it) and I would do it all over again. My only regret is wishing that I’d done it sooner. It took me 15 years to realize that I’m not weak if I take the pills and although I’m not on them now while I’m pregnant, if I have to go on them again when the baby is born, I will do it in a heartbeat. I know those feelings all to well. Every day seems terrifying. I hated being “the negative one” in my marriage, but try as I might, I couldn’t change until I got help and I still am that negative person some days. But, I sleep at night now, my heart doesn’t constantly race, and I’m a better mom. I hope you can find some peace, too. You are in my prayers.
Ditto what has already been said. It took me a long time to take what we call the “woo-woo” medicine in our house after my first was born. After the second I was popping the pills asap. It is hard to know the difference between bad brain chemistry and having a bad day but somehow that little voice deep inside you knows.
I’ve been where you are. I go on the pills get off the pills. It’s a cycle. I think I need them right now but am trying not to. I so know where you are.
Hang in there. And good for you for getting the help you need. For you and for your family.
Whatever the battle, I know you are up to it Amy. And I know you will do what is best for you and your family. Hugs.
I’m proud of you. Ditto everyone else.
And please, forgive yourself. You deserve it.
It’s too bad we don’t live closer, we could sit around and pop happy pills together.
I had the entire clinic on crazy watch for me on Monday after I called FLIPPING OUT that I couldn’t go to work and I couldn’t take care of my kids and that I HATE myself. HATE.
I filled the prescription for the crazy pills, put them in the medicine cabinet unopened and then went and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on vitamins because I’m convinced I can do it without the pharmaceuticals. Except I probably can’t. But I just keep trying. Because I’m stubborn. And incredibly stupid.
I am horribly mean to my husband too so know you aren’t alone. And neither is your husband.
I’m too chicken shit to put any of this on my blog so I commend you. And I’m holding your hand virtually. It will be OK, it will be OK, just keep saying that and someday it will be true.
Oh girl, I’ve been where you are. I was 43 before I finally went to the doctor and told her I needed something for the heebee jeebies, the turbo bitch and the batshit crazy. I didn’t realize how screwed up I was until I felt better. I’m glad you’re getting help. Try not to beat yourself up, it’s not weakness to get what you need.
1. I am proud of you for getting Teh Crazy Pills! My doc told me, as she was prescribing Teh Crazy Pills, that estrogen binds seratonin in/to the brain. After we have kids the estrogen goes bye bye for a while. I had Teh Crazy Pills after both of my children. It is SO worth it for everyone’s sanity, especially your own!
2. A book recommendation – What do you say when you talk to yourself by Dr. Shad Helmstedter (sp?)
hugs from Oregon!!!
It will get better. My pinky toenail that used to split in half, just like yours, promises it will.
I have not posted before, but I saw myself in your post. I did not want to take the pills, no sirree, because I should just be able to handle things. I did not take them when I had to take a semester leave from school due to the depression (oh, the pills were sitting in my cabinet), because clearly all I needed was a little time off. And I did not take them when 5 friends died in 1 year and my boyfriend of almost 4 years left me for someone else, because seriously? ANYONE would feel like crap after that! I came up with every excuse in the book and dug my heels in. I got to the breaking point, where school was no longer an option since I could not even get out of bed, where I loathed myself with a fierce intensity, where I felt ill all the time, where I was mean and cruel (and those characteristics don’t usually feature largely in my personality!) and where I sabotaged my own best efforts. I sat unmoving in a hard wooden chair for 3 days – no sleep, no food, no water. I wished fervently to cease to exist. And after that spectacular crash-and-burn I FINALLY took the pills. And you know what? It was like waking up. It felt like walking out of the fog. It saved my life. I am glad you are getting some help. Of course your loved ones will be more happy if you are happy but ultimately? Do this for you. Because you are worth it. And because your life is a gift that is worth enjoying.
i had a meltdown last night too. from zero to sixty in nothing flat. my husband was beyond confused. and as the tears and irrational words came out of my mouth – i too left my body and watched. and although i knew it needed to stop, i couldn’t make it.
hoping you picked up a side of chocolate with the happy pills.
and for the record – you are strong.
You are so very brave for this kind of unflinching honesty. I have deep respect for it, and your beautiful children are lucky to have such a candid and loving and human mother.
I have been on antidepressants for years. I too hate it, and I think I am weak for being on them, but I know I can’t (right now, that is …!) face the notion of what might happen inside my head if I go off.
Go. You deserve to feel less pain. Also, you are not alone.
Lindsey
Depression absolutely sucks. It can turn you into an entirely different person.You’re not alone and you are so smart—and strong—for seeking help. Big hugs to you. I hope it goes well.
I lurk here often, but wanted to comment today. Your post is so honest and brutal. So brave. Good for you for the self-awareness, I believe that’s step one. I hope that you are feeling better already today. Snuggle your little ones tonight, snuggle with your husband. And start forgiving yourself.
I’ve been a lurker lately and not vocal at all – but I just wanted to say it’s not weak. It’s OK. And you know that – get them pills down yer neck and get on the road to feeling a whole lot better about all sorts of stuff.
Good on ya
x
Do what it takes to help you deal with stuff-you’re a talented writer and you deserve it.
Oh, wow. I have so been there. Like the most recent time I went off the meds. One night, I not only shrieked like a crazy woman at my husband, but dumped a whole pan of chicken spaghetti down the drain. That was a horrible, horrible time for me and once I got back on the meds, I wondered why I hadn’t done so earlier. If the drugs will help, take them. I’m so impressed with how you laid it all out there. I wish more women who suffer from depression did the same. It helps to know that others really get it when you describe the raw and honest effects of depression.
I started taking the anti-crazy pills a week ago. The knowledge of them in my body and how much that freaks me out is far out weighed by the ease I get from feeling beter…my heart feels better.
This is the worst possible time of year for you, and maybe you needed to empty everything out of in order to fill back up with the right things.
amen.
You are beautiful and courageous and worthy of happiness, love, and warmth from your family and the world.
FWIW, I believe those outbursts (I’ve had them, too) bring us healing — healing for our husbands, too. Perhaps some of those things needed to be said, and you and he will be able to move around in a larger environment now.
Love.
My entire life has been one big anxiety attack. I was great at overcompensating for it but I was dying inside. Being strong means realizing what we need and you and I need our brain chemistry altered. For me, my pregnancy and post-partum period brought this into stark relief. I had years of therapy, analysis (Jungian), am a deeply spiritual person and thought I could will myself to be non-anxious. Nope! I need medication, just like some people need meds for their asthma, blood pressure, whatever.
I hope you already had a prescription and have gone over to Wal-Mart (BTW if it was Lexapro and they have that for $4 please let me know because I am paying $35!!).
as someone married to a man who needs them but won’t get on them, i am grateful that you are aware and getting the help
Oh, good for you. You’ll be shocked at the difference it will make. I know it is hard to get over the idea of taking something, but you’re SOOOOOO not alone.
i did it. i took the plunge about a month ago. they take the edge off. i explained to my doctor how i felt, just like anything could set me off, that everything was a big deal. and i hated the look in my family’s eyes when i blew up or snapped.
there were some side effects, i had headaches, dry mouth, rapid heartbeat but they went away after a few days.
i wish i had gotten over the stigma sooner. you’re a strong, brave, loving woman to be doing this for you and your family.
email me, email any of us for anything.
You are so very brave, Mrs. C.
First of all? neither you nor your brain are fucked up or crazy. After you get the pills, promise me you will never say either one of those things to yourself again. Not in a blog post, not in an argument, not in your brain. Not ever.
Would you say someone was fucked up if they had cancer? Would you say they were ruining their family’s life if their pain made them lash out? No, you would be compassionate. You would encourage them to be gentle with themselves. To take care of themselves and to drown in the love of the people around them.
Depression isn’t some thing you’ve decided to keep as a pet, it’s an illness.
Get better from it. Be better from it. But don’t you DARE call my beautiful, talented, amazing friend fucked up EVER again.
Because I will kick your ass.
got it? Love you.
I’ve been exactly where you are.
I broke, took the pills, and I’m so much lighter, happier, and healthier because of it. As is my family.
You are strong and sane for knowing this is what you need.
You are not fucking up your family–look at the Poo bent down in such a nurturing posture towards Henry. She was not born with that instinct . . . she learned it from watching her mommy.
Just from coming here to you regularly and checking in, so to speak, it’s clear that you’ve had a rough few years, and that you’ve managed to realize, reflect on, and produce beautiful, positive thoughts.
Sometimes we just need a little help buying into those thoughts ourselves. Here’s to hoping the meds help with that.
Please take the pills. There is nothing “weak” about it. Is it weak for a diabetic to take insulin? Is it weak for an anemic person to take iron pills? If you start taking pills for some depressed brain chemistry, there is no law saying you will need them for the rest of your life. Situations change, chemistry changes, hormones change. It’s not a life sentence or a lack of strength, it’s a smart pro-active choice for now.
Hang in there– there’s nothing weak about needing help. That you even posted this here is amazing– that you had enough strength to help the rest of us feel like it’s ok to feel out of control or lost sometimes. Good luck- I’ll be rooting for you
You are an amazing writer. You are strong and I know you will be ok very soon. Self doubt is hard to overcome but just saying things out loud and making a positive change is an important step. Everyone out here is rooting for you. I wish I could do something tangible to help. Email if you need someone to talk to.
Shannon
Make sure you take the correct dosage and that the pharmacist who gives them to you explains their use fully.
It is NOT weak to take antidepressants. My best friend suffered from depression for years, and it led to her having terrible OCD and all I could do was watch helpless from the sidelines while she was tormented with washing her hands until they nearly bled, staying in the bathroom for more than seven hours at a time and being unable to even put socks on until the light hit them -just so-. She started on antidepressants and, within just a couple of weeks, she was able to go to the bathroom like a normal person instead of holding it in for as long as she could bear because she feared going in there so much. She was able to get out of the house and get a job, and she even got herself a boyfriend (they’ll be celebrating 2 years together in just a couple of months).
My ex-girlfriend nearly died from her depression. But antidepressants saved her, even if they didn’t save the relationship (but honestly, that was MY fault, not hers… I’m not a relationship person). But I digress…
They are not a crutch. They are a tool. They’re a tool we have created to make our lives easier. As much as nails hold a chair together, antidepressants can hold us together when we need them.
And I’m sending you the biggest possible over-the-internet mental hug I can give.
I’m here for you.
Oh Mrs. C, I can hardly type. I would love it if you’d email me so we could talk. Listen to your friends here (especially flutter — awesome words). Take the pills. And email me. Really. Sandy knows how to find me.
I am right there with you, babe. Right there. {{ hugs }}
Confidence is a powerful thing. And I have confidence in you, no matter what.
Admitting you need help is one of the bravest things you can do.
Am I the only one that thought you HAD started taking “mama’s little helpers?” Feelin’ a little snowed here. I think we need a picture of you with your meds this time. Come on, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!
As ever, I love your honest writing. It’s all going to be OK as soon as you take control and get help. You. Have. To. Do. This.
Ok… you just got a new fan girlfriend! I think we might be long lost sistas!
Oh honey, I’m sorry. I have so been there. Two years friend. I’m been on the crazy pills for two years. They helped me in so may ways. Your husband and Emmie and Henry deserve better, but mostly Amy, you deserve better. You deserve to feel better. You are worth it.
I wish I could come give you a hug right now. Just know I’m thinking about you. If you need/want to talk, I’m generally around.
I admire your strength and your courage, Mrs. C, and your willingness to take charge and to write about it, too.
One foot in front of the other, right? You’re not alone.
Oh my goodness. I could be writing this post right now (if I was an amazing writer like you, but I’m not). I have come to realize that I do this all too often. I hold stuff in worry about stuff, and then just completely explode all over the first person I can. And I have the EXACT same out of body experience you described when I do it. It’s horrifiying and guilt producing but it’s real. This is real life, I’m fucked up and I go off (probably way too much than I should) because damnit I’m overwhelmed and I’m scared too.
I feel for you so much. It’s so refreshing that you can be so real. To echo many of the other comments…You’re not alone!! You’re amazing and you have so much going for you. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay for you to have meltdowns too. >>>>>>>>hugs<<<<<<<<<<
Oh, friend, hoping the anger floats away and you find some peace and self. xo
Accepting whatever help is available is NOT weak.
I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.
Dear Mrs. Chicken – I know you can do it. I’m proud of you for moving forward. I know how scary it is. I’ll be here.
Big Hugs Mrs. Chicken.
I hope the meds work, you deserve a better you so you can be a better everything to your family.
I too have done the big crazy. I remember being so wound up and angry all the time that I did damage to my teeth from clenching so much. Turned out I had an untreated thyroid disease. So thyroid hormones are my happy pills for life no matter what they cost.
It is obvious you have a lot of support, it may not help when you are in a crazy moment, hopefully it helps afterwards.
My mom went through the crazies before she was diagnosed with a thyroid disease way back when I was a kid. I loved her then, I love her now. Your kids love you, your husband loves you.
Remember to breathe.