When I wrote about how I reached my breaking point last week, I was feeling raw and defeated.
Truth be told, I have a long and varied history with chronic depression. It is a disease that probably had its grip on me even as a young child.
That’s hard to admit, but when 48 women raise their hands and say, “Me, too,” or “I’m listening,” it helps. A lot.
Friday night I licked my wounds, watching a movie and going to bed early. For the first time in months, I slept well, the burden finally lifted. It takes a lot of work to try and hold it all together when you feel like the flood waters are rising all the time.
I couldn’t breathe. For many, many months, I couldn’t get any air in my lungs.
And you know what? It’s embarrassing. I can talk about how this is a disease and how it’s like having cancer, and intellectually, I get that.
In my head, I know that this is no different than if I needed to take a pill for high blood pressure or insulin for diabetes. I am blameless, if I think of it in those terms.
My heart, though, is all kinds of achy with guilt and embarrassment and downright frustration. It is frustrating to have this disease. It sneaks up on me sometimes, and this time I let it get the best of me. I ignored the warning signs, brushed off gentle suggestions to get help, pretended I didn’t see the writing on the blog wall.
But now, everything is out in the open.
I started my meds on Friday night, and I already feel less anxious than I did last week. I know it will take more time (and the help of a therapist) to get to my happy place, but I really want to get there.
All my life, or at least for a goodly portion of it, I’ve felt worthless. Like any minute, the people who love me are going to see through my ruse and abandon me. I don’t know why I feel this way, despite ample evidence to the contrary, but I do.
I don’t want to feel that way any more. And I no longer believe that being a happy person will rob me of my creativity. I don’t want to be unhappy any more.
I have a long way to go, but at least now I can take a deep breath—and begin the hard work ahead.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
And know that all 48 (or more) of us are right there with you while you do that hard work. Glad things are starting to be at least a little better. =)
xo
Putting my arms around you for a hug & smiling at how proud I am that you are taking this step. It isn’t easy and I know that it feels like a failure that you need ‘pills’ to help. Just remember the truth is that it takes an extremely strong person to admit they need a little help.
Totally. We’re all here for you, even if you are happy.
There’s quite a streak of depression, et al. in my family, luckily I haven’t been bit too hard by that (yet). If medication helps, USE IT. You, your friends, and your family will likely all be better off. I hope it continues to work out for you.
We have heavy work ahead of us my friend! Rest up all you need!
Oh, and I think part of your therapy should be regular girls’ night out. Check your calendar.
I am so happy, and relieved, for you.
I was medicated about ten years ago, maybe longer, and I took myself off, choosing instead to self-medication with alcohol.
I have been medicated again since last Christmas. My husband and I had a fight and he told me I needed to get back on something because he couldn’t stand my behavior anymore.
I didn’t realize it had gotten that bad.
Since then I have tried various medications, finally landing on one a few months ago that has stabilized me, but doesn’t leave me feeling artificially inflated or totally dazed.
I wish you the best. The transition can be hard, but it is worth it.
I totally understand the agony behind this first step, but honey I am so proud of you! You know that if you ever need an ear or a shoulder I am here.
xoxo
I’m sorry have haven’t been around to say I’m listening, but I am listening now. I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself and doing what you need to do to get better. You’re not worthless and I hope you realize it soon, very soon.
You will get there! I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself.
Missed commenting on the last one, mostly because I was taking deep breaths myself, and reading your post was a little too close for comfort at the moment.
I think the hardest thing for me is knowing what’s circumstantial and what’s not. I am 3 months post partum and I just moved across the country to a place I know no one: shouldn’t I be pretty bummed and anxious?? Should I just work through that with time and chocolate and regular cries into my pillow??
I hope that your treatment helps, seems like it is already, and I thank you for sharing.
*applause!!!*
You deserve contentment.
So, so glad for you! I’m trying to get inspired to do the same…
Im proud of you. I have the disease of depression and take zoloft, have for many, many years. I UNDERSTAND.
hugs Nance
Congratulations! I hope you feel better and better.
I am so glad you are working on this. It’s going to get so much better and you will not believe how easy life will seem once you aren’t carrying so much pain all the time.
For Jenna above, and anyone else who might wonder the same thing about whether their depression is circumstantial or clinical:
My opinion is that it doesn’t matter so much in the short term. If a medication helps you cope better during a stressful time in your life, that is wonderful. If meds allow you to be patient instead of snapping at your kids, or shrug off disappointment instead of crying, or get through the day without panic attacks, then in my book that is great.
love you now and always.
I am so completely there with you sistah! I spent YEARS in the state that you spoke of without realizing what was wrong… or that it wasn’t normal to feel like that. Once I took control… Well, I won’t say it’s ALL roses and sunshine but it’s a damn lot better!
You can do eet! You can do eet all. Night. LONG!
I am so glad you are taking steps – for me, that’s always the hardest part. The pulling myself out (yet again) and moving forward. It’s so much easier to hold still.
I’ve recently discovered these vitamin/amino acids that can be used alone or to bolster anti-depressants. 5-HTP – there’s a whole website and a book. I read the book and was pretty convinced. Just putting it out there – I hate unsolicited advice so ignore me if you need to.
Much love your way.
It’s just like taking insulin for diabetes, chemo for cancer – JUST LIKE IT! Well done. It’s a big step but it’s the big one in the right direction. Good luck. All here rooting for you, and your family!
You are a brave and awesome lady. Glad you’re putting this out there and starting to feel a little bit better.
One little step at a time. I’m still having issues with the panic, but they just started me on a higher dose of hypothyroid meds and am adjusting to that and the Zoloft. *sigh*
Mrs. Chicken, YOU are a superstar.
You deserve the chance to be happy again, and to truly enjoy all the beauty your family gives you.
You’ve taken the biggest step.
Good for you. Your true friends and the family that love you will be ready and willing to support you and won’t want you to hide your feelings. REAL love/friendship means being there in the hard times and lending a shoulder or an ear. Be sure to reach out and let them do that for you. And I couldn’t agree more that depression and other mental illness are just like any other physical illness that requires treatment. People battling it deserve open dialogue with doctors, employers, friends and family without fear of judgment. Society’s view on this is changing. Slowly, but thankfully it is changing.
My mom is bipolar, and I so wish she had been treated when I was younger…you are a brave woman. Remember, pills are not weak. Admitting that you have an issue takes more courage than most people have on any given day. Think about it – if we all confessed our crazy, we’d be a much more interesting and less complex, stressed out world. When you get beat down, do it for your kids. Sending you love, hugs, and hope (the most important).
I’ve been on the depression roller coaster far more times than I care to admit. I think I’m plunging down another hill as I type this, honestly.
I’m glad you’re getting the help you need and I hope you’re feeling better soon. No one deserves to be unhappy, no matter how much we try to rationalize it in our own minds.
I’m here for you, should you ever need anything.
It’s amazing how much writing it out helps, ins’t it? I’ve found that too. In fact, I think I have to write it out more.
I’m glad that you’re getting help. You deserve it.
*hugs* Thinking of you!