When The Poo was born, our plan was for my mom to watch her when I went back to work.
My first day back in the office was snowy and cold. I sucked in my tummy and zipped up my trousers, pulled on knee socks. I bundled The Poo up in fleece pajamas and a blanket.
We set off on the treacherous roads to my mother’s house. She lived on the lake shore, and as we approached the flurries thickened. The windshield wipers beat a rhythmic chant: go home go home go home.
Still, I pushed on. Turning into the driveway, my tears started and they didn’t stop until the day in April when I filed for a disability leave to deal with my post-partum depression. Leaving my precious girl every day—even with her grandmother—on top of my fresh grief, drove me to the razor’s edge that spring.
I could not stand it. In July, I made peace with that fact and signed my resgination letter with a rueful smile on my face. It was official—I was a stay-at-home mother.
***
These memories came flooding back when I read a post on Becky and Hollee’s blog yesterday morning. They reference an essay by an associate professor at the University of California, who wrestles with the question of whether or not a third child is a “career killer.”
Hollee asked me to pop over and maybe comment, and I couldn’t resist doing so. I could have written a novel over there, so I decided to take the topic up here, instead.
First of all, I think calling a child a career killer says everything about how motherhood is viewed in our society, doesn’t it?
Killer. Think about that powerful word for a minute.
*taps foot*
Now think about your kid.
See? WRONG WORD.
Children do bring change. They bring chaos and filth and imbalance. They bring a frenetic pace. They also bring joy, warmth, love and endless fascination to your day.
I love my children, and I say with confidence that most women like me love theirs, as well. I know many women who have careers they love, but I sincerely doubt that they would ever choose their work over their child if put to the test.
I chose my child over what was then just a job. My career ended four years before her birth, when I left community journalism for markeing in the interest of my personal life and my finances. I could not have a family or a normal relationship—or a positive balance in my checking account—if I continued on that path at that time.
I made a choice before I made a child.
So when the child came and it was so heartwrenching to leave her every day for eight hours of paper-pushing, the decision to abandon my hefty paycheck and soul-sucking day job made sense—it made sense for me.
Having children gave me the courage and yes, the freedom, to pursue my heart’s desire. I revived my writing career right here on this blog, the blog that was inspired mostly by my new motherhood.
My child? She breathed new life into my career.
I know my story isn’t common. Or maybe it is. I do know that if my body would bear it, I would have a third child. My heart fills up at the mere thought of my daughter and my son. When I look up from my laptop and the words dancing on the screen in front of me, I see their faces and I know my life is just as it should be.
Corporate life was a noose around my neck. My girl slipped if off me. She gave me permission to be who I am, inside my heart.
What about you? Did your kids kill your career? What conflicts do you have about motherhood in all it’s forms, WOHM, WAHM, SAHM?
Tell me. I want to know.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Could this really be a subject I can finally pass comment on with some degree of expertise ?!
We took the decision for me to be the one who carried on working purely on the kind of person I am – I am the plodder… I will grind out the job and bring the money in without complaint.
My other half gave up a successful professional career to care for our children – with thoughts of perhaps returning when they children are all in junior school. Experience is now telling us that doing any such thing until they are MUCH older is completely unrealistic.
It’s not a career being killed at all in our case – it’s a change of lifestyle. Yes, a career ended, but it wasn’t killed by the children; it was ended by us. We don’t have time to reflect and navel gaze about it either.
Jonathan´s last blog ..The Emperor’s New Movie – Clerks
I’m with you: My kids forced me to do what I love, in my own studio, instead of chasing the corporate dollar. They used to come to work with me, and learned all about how money is made, how to run a business, and how to shaddup when I was on a business call. Then, when I became a breastfeeding counsellor in response to all of the support I had received, they learned about that too as my life became even more enriched.
Now, I am heading into social work as a career, thanks to the great experiences I’ve had as a counsellor. Well done, third child, for killing my evil “Hospitality Management” career once and for all. I will be forever grateful.
Great post, Mrs. Chicken!
Nan´s last blog ..Internet Safety Part 2
I have been at my “career” for 20 years. I have an 18year old and a 12 year old. I’ve always worked, some times by choice, then as a necessity. It has been a killer at times, choosing which school functions warrant a day off versus is that kid really sick enough to stay home…..It has sucked at times, but like so many other working parents, you just muddle through. I will say we make the most of after work and weekend and vacation time….You do what you have to do, and I do my best not to dwell on the things I cannot change…..
mysuestories´s last blog ..Ya Caught Me
Like I said over at B&H, a felony is a career killer, not three kids. Our working lives are long and getting longer all the time as our lifespans overall increase. So the kids are out of the house when you are 50, what are you gonna do for the next 40 years, putter? If you are in good health, you’ve got another 15-25 years of potential work ahead of you and that can be a hell of a career. Get a degree, start a business! I see how much life my parents have in them at 62/63, and I’m impressed. My mom plans to stay in her career til she’s 70. My dad is winding down his life-long occupation of painting, but he’s picking up steam in other areas. I think we lose sight of our own longevity when we’re in the trenches of parenting small children.
Hm. “Career-killer” sounds so… FINAL.
I was in a similar position to yours, once. I had a 6 YO and a baby and was staying at home, having done the unthinkable by quitting my job. It was a choice we could ill-afford, but I felt v strongly about it, having spent my son’s first 2.5 years as a single, WOH parent. I wanted to try raising the new baby differently – at home, in a solid relationship, out of the city. Skating the poverty line, yes, but….
… so I stayed home and homeschooled my kids for 7 years. We were completely broke even with eBay sales of thrifted C-U detritus (quite lucrative back in the late 90s) and occasional PT work, but I’m not kidding when I tell you those were some of the finest years of my life so far. I learned about whatever my kids were learning about, and I also learned how to pursue my own interests while helping them pursue theirs. I came back to things I’d gotten away from. I tried some things that sounded interesting. I fed my brain. I also worked my ass off keeping a house and garden and schedules straight on a serious, serious budget.
At 13, my son decided it was time for him to go back to school, and he was right. It was. But was I ready to go back to work? I was ready to have health insurance and to re-divide household labor, so the answer was yes. I saw a job in the newspaper I thought I could be good at, so I sent in everything they asked for, survived 3 interviews, and, much to my shock, was offered the position. My daughter, easygoing and cool with just about anything you throw her way, started school at age 7. I don’t regret it. It was time.
I am thisclose to 41 now. My kids are 17 and almost-11 (It happens really fast. REALLY fast.). I have a career that is just getting started and may eventually take me really cool places, but I realize every day that my work in my current job is deeply informed by the time I spent at home with my family – the things I became interested in and pursued on my own and with my kids during that time (gardening, food, self-sufficiency, farming, food systems, public markets – thank you, Urbana Free Library!) led to what I am doing outside the house/for money. I’m grateful to have had the privilege (because being able to stay at home and raise children IS, sadly, a privilege in this country) to be home for the second round, but I’m enjoying this phase, too.
I guess what I’m saying is that, you know, kids grow up and go to school (or not) and eventually move out and things happen and life changes and everything you’re doing right now may be exactly what you’re doing in 5 -10 years, or you may be doing something you can’t even conceive of.
Flexibility – it’s where it’s at.
I’ve just recently closed my legal practice. I’m a single mother who studied and qualified while my son was a baby – started when he was 1, and obtained my masters when he was 7. He was with me every step of the way. We moved to 2 different countries pursuing my degrees and he took it all in his stride. Then I started my own practice. It was going well. From the outside, it looked great. Lots of clients. Paying the bills and some. From the inside, I hated the fact that it took me away from him. I couldn’t be a good mother and a good lawyer at the same time.
I was juggling all these balls and the only one I felt like I hadn’t dropped yet was his. But that was affecting my job, and putting more pressure on me. Every time I chose him over the work that was piling up my jaw tightened and my neck muscles ceased up.
I got engaged in March and we agreed that when we had more kids (if were blessed with more) then I’d take time off to have them. But I was miserable. The thought of bringing home piles of files for the rest of my life was painful. So in August I decided to close my practice. To just take a leap. I’ve been helping my fiance out at his office, but have lined up a photography course and a teaching course. I’ve never been happier, and I can see the changes in my son (he started secondary school in Sept and was thrilled to have me around to help him through the transition).
So I’m not quite a SAHM but I’m working towards being a WAHM pursuing passions. Our children need us. My mother was a teacher so she was always home when we were and it was invaluable.
I really enjoyed your post.
I understand how you felt. I was counting the days until my son was born because my work was never something I was passionate about. I knew that mothering was what I was going to do, at least for the time when my kids were young. It was hard at first, financially, living on one salary, but I am lucky now that my husband earns enough to keep us comfortable.
I write all of this sitting in a sunny hospital room watching my 3rd born sleep, and I can’t help but repeat what I said about being lucky. You are too, Mrs. C.
Amy Jo´s last blog ..Maggie’s First Morning
I think it really depends on what your career is. I mean, if you are a trial lawyer that is expected to work 80 hour weeks then yes, you probably are going to have to give it up to have three kids if you don’t want a nanny raising them. I agree that the term KILLING it is a little harsh. I mean, in the case of law, you could go back when the kids are grown, no?
I work in technology and me taking 10 years off to raise my kids would essentially leave me with no options as far as my career goes. Technology changes too fast. Fortunately I waited until I found a good, flexible, kid-friendly job before having kids and honestly my kids are still my #1 priority (and my bosses’ #1 priority too). I come and go as I please, work from home when they are sick, etc. I could never work if that wasn’t the case but it is and getting out of the house and having a life away from my kids keeps me sane so it works for me. Some people can’t handle working and some people can’t handle not working. I’m in the latter group. I don’t think that makes me a bad mother and it took me a LONG time to make myself believe that.
gina´s last blog ..i’m thinking that they’re going as bubbles for halloween
I am so very lucky, and I remember that every day. Well, almost every day. We made sacrifices, like I said, but we are lucky that we are still able to even contemplate making those sacrifices. And by the way … CONGRATULATIONS!
I think what got me, Gina, was how hostile that term is. I agree with you 100 percent that it is a personal decision and that not every one can or should or even wants to stay home with their kids.
Hell. I work out of my house nine hours a week. It makes money, keeps my career on track, earns money.
But the key in your comment is that YOU owned your decision and needs. You don’t use your kids as a scapegoat. I think that is the itch I was trying to scratch here.
I’m like Mrs. Chicken; it just takes me a little longer to get the dozens of comments:) Glad you liked out post!
Hollee Temple´s last blog ..Giving Back: See One, Do One, Teach One
Career killer? Absolutely not. I was an editor for a community newspaper and slowly losing my mind with the demands. When a more flexible job opened up within the company, I jumped at the chance because it also meant we could start a family. The first week at my new job, I found out I was pregnant. It is hard to leave her every day but my job is flexible enough that I start work before she’s even awake and I get off mid-afternoon so I still have plenty of time with her. I’ve been lucky to have that flexibility. I don’t regret my decision to go back to work.
Michelle´s last blog ..He doesn’t JUST bite
I never had a career so there was nothing for my kids to end. However, with, at the time, only a year and a half before my son went to school I was looking for something to do while both kids were in school. Maybe find a career? Then, hello, postive pregnancy test. Any plans I might have had to join the workforce have been put off for another 4 yrs, until the youngest starts school.
My only problem with being a SAHM is the concern of my husband’s business not doing well. All the financial burden is on him, even though that is how we set it up from the beginning. I thought my friend had the best of both worlds by working in her career (lawyer) part time and being home part time. Later I would find out she is struggling with going back full time and having her 2 yr old in school full time. The grass is never greener on the other side.
SoMo´s last blog ..Louisiana Kind of Fun
Mine was just a job. I kept it until we moved to Colorado. It was just a pay check and I feel like I missed out on a lot, but having my girls in day care from 7 weeks on.
To my company…and it was a large corporate company, children did not exist. They were a hassle. The fact that any of us had them, was a hassle.
Issa´s last blog ..Struggling
Just wanted to let you know there’s an award for you over at my site, Mommy Works Online. I get a real kick out of your blog!
Lisa´s last blog ..Telecommute Opp: Write a Book about NASA for Library Associates Companies
I was a stay home mom until he left me 4 years later. I know that many woman have to work and many choose to work. One thing I know for sure is that being a working mom is so hard. I did it for 5 years and it was so exhausting, my hat is off to all of you. I also
know that making a decision to stay home with you children is huge.
It is not an easy task to be a stay at home mom and your worth allot more then people give you credit for. I know that Oprah (who allot of people don’t like) has always said that it’s the hardest job in the world.
I AGREE!!!
Debby Pucci´s last blog ..
My kids made me better at my career–more focused and more determined. Unlike most in my dept., I’ve finished on time and I’ve even published. Conversely, my kids let me see every day that any job is just that– a job. So, when the market crumbled and I realized that my career was DOA, it was my kids that made it ok. Eventually, though, I’m going to have to pick up and find a new career route, and I’m sure that having the balance at home will make me better at that, too.
My kids made me better at my career–more focused and more determined. Unlike most in my dept., I’ve finished on time and I’ve even published. Conversely, my kids let me see every day that any job is just that– a job. So, when the market crumbled and I realized that my career was DOA, it was my kids that made it ok. Eventually, though, I’m going to have to pick up and find a new career route, and I’m sure that having the balance at home will make me better at that, too.
On another note– isn’t it still amazing that men still don’t need to write articles like this. Two, three or fifteen kids, and all it shows is that a man is stable and responsible.
I let go of half of my career when I got married. The other half died out after my first child was born. As it tried to slip back in to my life this year, I beat it back with a stick.
As a musician, I can always rebuild my career to be as busy or not busy as I want it to be. I’m still performing/recording when I want too, but the day to day to day belongs to my son – soon to be sons.
They didn’t kill my career, I chose to put it in a medically induced coma for awhile.
marty´s last blog ..It’s up to me and only me
I found out I was pregnant with #3, two months into starting my career. Of course, I started early, and my older two were in school by this point. And my career carried on. It does help that I am a school counselor and have school hours and holidays. But, other times, it plain sucks. But, so does being home, some times.
inthefastlane´s last blog ..Giving Strength to Body and Soul
Well, after a long day at work, I can only manage this small comment: If I hadn’t had my son, I wouldn’t be in the awesome part-time copywriting job that I LOVE. If I hadn’t had my son, I’d be stuck in the cold, going-nowhere-slowly full-time corporate job I was in before maternity leave.
Kerrie´s last blog ..A Ghost in the House
people do not think. before they speak. LIKE, EVER.
flutter´s last blog ..Forgiveness
i think i could have resurrected my career after child 2. now, after #3? probably not for a long time.
Emily R´s last blog ..If you know me IRL, it’s your turn
I am a new mom with a 10 month old baby boy. I am working full time and also getting my Masters in Teaching. My hope is that once I’m teaching we’ll have 2 glorious months every summer that will be ours alone. But right now, I have a daily inner struggle about what I am doing and whether or not it is right. I miss my boy desperately when I’m at work, but I also enjoy the lifestyle we have. My heart is constantly split wide open.
I can completely relate to what you’ve said here—especially this: “Having children gave me the courage and yes, the freedom, to pursue my heart’s desire.” I have been really fortunate to have had only part-time jobs and now part-time freelance work since having my babies in 1998 and 2000. Even during my years as a single mom, after my divorce, I was able to get by on freelancing, which allowed me to pick my kids up after school, stay home with them on school holidays, etc. Now all of my choices feed the kind of writing I *really* want to do, like on my blog.
There are two important things at play here, though. One is that we all make choices and need to remember we usually have the *power* to make choices. Maybe we can’t have exactly what we want, but we can prioritize, make changes in our life and sacrifice as needed to shape our lives around those priorities. I could have chosen to make more money and taken more vacations or sent my kids to a private school, but those weren’t my priorities. I knew those things wouldn’t make me happier.
The second thing is the importance of deflecting all of the societal pressure and expectations coming from both directions. Some people will look down on you for staying at home and not having a “real” career; others will look down on you for going back to work and trying to balance a career you love with family you love. We will never be able to make everyone happy, which is why it’s SO important to look inside ourselves and follow our hearts.
Kristin T. (@kt_writes)´s last blog ..Claiming what you love isn’t selfish
My third child came right along with my second, so does that mean they are both “career killers?” I really envy those women who are in fields that lend themselves to a return after many years, or that are ideal for part-time work. But that just isn’t the case for everyone. My career took many years of graduate education, then a demanding work schedule to maintain ongoing standards. Medical fields inherently require continuous learning. Top that off by a spouse also in a demanding medical field. Despite all the investment we both made in my career, we agreed our sanity was key. What drives me batty are those who assume that I can return easily. It just isn’t so. Now I’m faced with reinventing myself. I’m not sorry, but the emotions are often complicated.
Life in Eden´s last blog ..Survival
I’m pregnant with my first. We’re not married yet (we say lovechild instead of out of wedlock haha), and I’m only a little pregnant (2.5 months) but this is going to be difficult and we can almost afford it. My fiance’s parents and my parents worked through our childhoods- we wanted something else. I’m worried about financial security but love is more important than money, no?
When my first son was born, I had a job with great benifits and a good salary, but it wasn’t working for me anymore. I was not happy; I felt undervalued; I felt mistrated even. And when Oscar was born I just couldnt’ bear the thought of leaving him every day when I was so happy and felt so fulfilled being home with him, for a job that wasn’t nearly as engaging and made me feel like shit. So, I resigned.
My guilt stems from the loss of my income. We have so. much. less. money. We do not put enough money away for college for them; we cannot afford to buy a larger home and we are outgrowing our current one; we won’t be able to take them on vacations abroad or even to Disney. We make it – we have clothing and food and own our own home – and I feel so fortunate be home with them, but I still feel guilty. Particulary the college savings thing. That just kills me. I hope when they look back in 18 years they think my being home with them was worth the mountains of college debt they will amass.
Jenni´s last blog ..Not About Coffee
In my case, it was the first baby that made me quit my job…and it really was a job, not a career at that point. As soon as she was born I knew I couldn’t go back. My kids have made my life better than any career could.
Heather´s last blog ..Adventures in Northern Minnesota
Career Killer? No. Career Much More Difficult? Yes.
I worked until our third was born. At the time, my paycheck wasn’t worth signing over to daycare. That and I wouldn’t really say I had a career – it was just a job.
This month I celebrated five years at home. With that, my youngest is now in Kindergarten full day. I have not yet jumped back into the working world. Why? It’s not worth it just yet. Someday it may be, but not yet. Guess that makes me a dying breed – the housewife: laundry’s caught up, house is mostly clean, the dishwasher is empty and dinner’s on the table when the Mr. gets home. I’m the soft place to land after a hard day – for the kids and my husband. There’s something to be said about that.
My sister, on the other hand, has a wonderful career with three kids.
Gretchen´s last blog ..Having taken a three month hiatus…