I’m tired, so tired. But she looks at me, crazy quilt pulled up to her chin.
Just one song? Stay for one song, Mama.
I see myself in the kitchen, standing at the laptop, pounding out 300 words of drivel as she twirls around me.
Read to me, Mama?
No.
Sing with me, Mama?
No.
Can we make brownies, Mama?
No.
I’m busy.
I hate that word, Mama.
What word?
Busy.
I see her there in her bed, and I know when she wakes in the morning she will be different. That this moment will be lost. That it cannot be retrieved.
My ambitions are eating me up—my time, my attention, my focus is on the world outside my kitchen window. I peer into the computer screen and see my hopes and dreams there. I see a future made of words and phone calls and successes.
I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want them to remember me tethered to a keyboard. I don’t want them to gently mock me, when they are grown, for being too busy to play with them.
So I get into her bed.
I melt into her, my body relaxing around hers. When did she get so tall? I wasn’t looking. She asks me to rub her head, and so I do.
She sighs, turns her face to mine and fits it underneath my chin. I love you, Mama. Stay with me, Mama.
I miss her. I miss her so much when she is at school. She is the last thought in my head when I finally fall asleep. After all the noise of the day, all of the editors and the business meetings and the legal documents and the contracts.
They fall away, and she is what remains, and she is what I hold into, fiercely.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Aw!
I miss my kids when they’re at school too. Why do they have to grow up so fast?
Heather´s last blog ..Random Thoughts #40
I know how difficult it can be to work from home. You’re a good mom.
Kerrie´s last blog ..The Talking Never Stops
Totally.
Same here…without the editors and legal documents.
And, when the heck did she get so “grown up” looking? I clicked over here, saw her pic and was like, “who is that big girl?”
Carrie´s last blog ..And So it Goes
Not sure if this helps at all, but my kids are a bit older and I think I have a little perspective to share (beyond that this is beautifully written and belongs in an essay collection, but I don’t want to fuel that ambition any further, well, I sort of do… but I digress).
Smart moms can have ambition and be wonderful mothers. I’m glad that my boys know that I work outside the home not just to provide for them, but because it is fulfilling to me. I love it when they tell their friends that mommy and daddy are both authors! (G recently told a pal that he would try to convince me to write about him on my blog.)
Also, I interviewed a work/life balance expert who talked about thinking of life in seasons … some are focused on career, some on kids, some on other pursuits. It’s OK to be wrapped up in your writing, mrschicken. This is your season. -H
Hollee´s last blog ..The Upside of Perfectionism
Big sigh. I feel the pain.
Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..My Zombies Are Going To Eat Jenny’s Brains
I am contemplating finding a job that allows me to work from home. I miss seeing my bean. Plus I am with babies all day, I might as well like the baby I am with.
DCUrbanDad´s last blog ..Beer, Bojangles and Beaches – what did you do this weekend?
Having worked from home the last 3 years or so, I’m trying to do it again. (My most recent job ended.) But holy heck, it’s hard. I so get this. And my work was merely work. There was no name to make for myself, no ambition. Only a paycheck. I imagine your pull is even harder than mine.
It’s hard to make them understand. They just don’t.