Tomorrow I am going to be on a local television show.
Like, in about seven hours. I should, in fact, be sleeping, but I have a long relationship with wake-up anxiety. You know, when you’re hyper-aware of the time: I should be sleeping! I have to get up in seven hours! Five hours! Two hours! Fuck it, I should just get up now!
So I’m up.
Tonight was wild around these parts. The Babyman decided he was boycotting bedtime and engaged in theatrical hysterics for about three hours, the first 30 of which I was in the shower, deforesting myself.
Ladies (and gents), I was never what anyone would call hairless. And now, hormones and pregnancy and fuck all knows what else have caused me to grow an entire hair suit. Ha-ha, get it? Hirsute? Haha …
Ha.So I’m in the shower with my napalm razor, trying to get rid of what late-night TV commercials delicately call “unwanted hairs” around my crotchular area when Mr. C throws open the shower curtain with a sobbing Babyman in his arms. The Poo, of course, is yelling — to be heard over her brother’s screams, dontchaknow — from the tub next to the master-bathroom shower where I am trying to groom.
Just as an aside, husbands, if you want to know why your wives are going hippie down there, this is why. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GET 17 MINUTES OF PRIVATE TIME TO SHAVE THEIR FUCKING PRIVATES.
So I finish up as fast as I can — and I swear I found my virginity hiding in the hair on my thighs — and get out of the shower to comfort my son.
He, of course, is having none of it, and a half-hour later he’s darting around the upstairs wearing nothing but a diaper and taking big drags from his bottle.
He looked exactly like my college boyfriend.
ANYWHO. We finally get him settled and sit down to watch Real World-Road Rules Challenge Nova when my husband slides his hand up my freshly-shorn calf.
I look at him, one eyebrow cocked, and I say:
“If you think you’re getting lucky tonight, mister, you are OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND.”
And now it is 11:16 p.m., and I have to get up in six hours and 45 minutes. Maybe I should just stay up all night. Or get in the shower now, and start doing my hair, or something,
This is one fucking rock n’ roll life, mah peeps.
Peace out.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Good luck.
Although, you kind of wonder what kind of show this is if you’re trimming.
creative dad type has a point.
i suspect nothing will actually SHOW on the tv…the grooming is a representative act, isn’t it? we become our polished primped selves so as to gird ourselves for the major act of going out into the world.
break a leg today! or wait. is it done?
Bon´s last blog ..the fire escape
are you going to share the clip of you on TV-because I wanna see it!
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Meet Anissa
I love the use of the word “deforesting.” I bandy that one about myself. A sad, but true part of life these days. For me, it’s usually something far less glamorous than a local TV appearance (like, say, a visit to the OB/GYN) to inspire primping of such proportion.
You had me totally cracking up over the re-discovery of your virginity and the “college boyfriend” comparison!
You freakin’ kill me sometimes!
Kerrie´s last blog ..Day 124: Wednesday Workout Math
Good luck! Break a leg!
Nan´s last blog ..Totally Blowing My Cover
Oh, I hear you.
Stimey´s last blog ..I Tried Hard to Come Up With a Good Title About Recycling the Recycling Center Field Trip, But Nothing Worked. Clearly.
This totally explains why my eyebrows look the way they do.
Totally.
Hope you had fun on tv!
Carrie´s last blog ..Beauty School Drop Out
I got sprung deforesting the other day.
It wasn’t pretty.
I am thinking of wearing a burka in the shower from now on, I just can’t take the humiliation of ‘why do your boobs hang like that?’ one more time.
Good luck and rock that show. But yes, like the others I am wondering what SORT of show you are doing… bow chicka bow bow.
Good Luck..i hope everything goes well!
Stephaine @ Geezees´s last blog ..Gift Ideas … has any started shopping yet?
How did it go?!
Jenn´s last blog ..Writer
So…how did it go? I’m dying of anticipation!
“I swear I found my virginity hiding in the hair on my thighs”
That was the best line I’ve read in a long time.
Emily R´s last blog ..Help a girl out
Am actually laughing out loud. Hope it went well!