I’m sitting at the Opryland Hotel and Resort in Nashville.
It’s Sunday, and everything is closed. All the bloggers have gone home. My new friend is in an airport in Ohio. The lovely ladies who ferried me here by car should be more than halfway back to Chambana now.
I am sitting at a metal table, one eye on my anemic laptop battery and one on the clock. In a few hours a driver will call me and I will gather my luggage for a trip to the airport.
From there I will get on a jet-plane and land at LAX around 8 p.m. California time. Tomorrow, at 8:45 a.m., I’ll get prepped for an appearance on a national talk show prompted by something I wrote about something that someone else wrote.
After a weekend spent meeting the three-dimensional women behind the one-dimensional blogosphere, I am on sensory over-load. My heart pounds randomly and I find myself weeping all of a sudden after a video call with my children.
This isn’t me. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. This isn’t me.
I’m surprised to find myself literally aching for my children, their wee bodies pressed up against mine in a morning cuddle. I miss Lucky Charms between my toes, snot in my hair. I miss the dirty diapers and the dinner dishes and I miss my husband.
But this is it. This is me, right now. This is the Big Kahuna, the Brass Ring, The Opportunity That Came Knocking.
Once upon a time, a young woman in a black dress got a job offer that would have pushed her to do more, be better. It scared her. She sat in a roadside rest stop on the Massachusetts Turnpike and dialed the number of the man making the offer.
He had a movie still of “Citizen Kane” in his office. He said he thought she had promise, this man. The girl? Did not think so.
“No, thank you,” she said.
That same girl sits in Nashville today, limbs literally trembling with anxiety and fear of flying, both real and metaphorical.
I’m scared, friends. Living dangerously comes with a price sometimes. I wanted this for so long — to be recognized, validated, singled out — and now that I am I don’t know what to do with it. I keep turning it over in my hands and waiting for it to come together and make sense.
It doesn’t.
I miss my babies.
I miss my husband.
I miss my kitchen and my minivan and my green PJ pants.
But this time when the call came I said yes. The crooked road behind me dictated it be so. I wear a talisman around my neck, a locket. My father rides on my shoulder and whispers in my ear.
Jump, he tells me.
And I do.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
You go Amy! I know it’s tough, but if anyone can do it, you can. You’ve been through so much, you’ve been tempered in fire – this should be nothing in comparison.
I haven’t watched Dr Phil in ages but I’ll be keeping an eye on the TV in the next few months, waiting for you to hit my local screens.
I’m thinking of you, hoping you do superbly.
Kirsten´s last blog ..It’ll have to do until Autumn…
awesome!
Awesome! But, hard and scary and terrifying all at the same time. But grab it and go, friend.
Woohoo! You’ll be awesome!
Kerrie´s last blog ..Signs
look at you fly.
flutter´s last blog ..Shawty’s got me singin’
This is so amazing! You go girl! It is always scary to do new things, especially those that matter. I am floored at how your Year of Living Dangerously is taking off. It IS your time. To jump and to realize all that you already have.
Lori at Spinning Yellow´s last blog ..This Post Brought To You By ….
Sometimes things happen exactly when they’re supposed to. You needed life experience to gain that locket and angel on your wings. They make you even stronger.
Very excited for you. The pajamas will be waiting…
Amie aka MammaLoves´s last blog ..It’s Definitely Not Cancer, so I’m Sure it’s Something Much Worse
Go grab that brass ring. For your kids to see how far you can fly. For us, who are typing and nursing at the same time. For yourself, because you can, and you deserve it.
(And let us know when we can see you!)
Jenna´s last blog ..Perhaps Virginia didn’t get my memo
You rock and I am so glad that I got to spend some time with you this weekend. Much love…..you rock!
Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Although the miles will separate us, my heart will be with him
You have so many people here catching you and also throwing you right back out in the sky to stretch those wings.
Heather´s last blog ..Simply Joy Sunday #55
It is always those things that are WAY outside your comfort zone that you feel the proudest of later. Maybe saying yes was the hardest part…
Heather´s last blog ..
I’m proud of you for knowing it’s time to try this crazy stuff. I call it “crazy” because that’s how it feels during. Afterwards, we call it smart, life-changing, exciting.
Be YOU. Your yearning for your children, husband, and the cereal between your toes is part of you and your loving, and your audience will hear you more deeply if you’re you.
Happy for you.
cathy´s last blog ..my 5-year-old garden spade
Best of luck with your jumping: I know it can be such a hard, hard thing. Keep being brave!
Beautiful, scary and empowering…. Good Luck with Everything
Mommy D´s last blog ..March of Dimes March for Babies Walk
Wonderful post.
As you worry, stress and miss your family, remember that your words travel farther and wider than many of us can imagine. Remember they are providing inspiration and influence to so many like myself – reading in the dead of night, and realising that they are a little like you.
Jonathan´s last blog ..Little Children and the Human Condition
proud of you. so very proud.
I am so touched by your post. So hard to get what you want in all areas of your life. Sometimes it’s bittersweet. At the end of the day, the crooked road will lead home, and then tomorrow, it will go off in another direction, and there you’ll jump. Good luck.
Grateful Twin Mom´s last blog ..A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the PTA Meeting
Some times it’s hard to take the leaps. But you? I believe you are awesome! You deserve to be singled out!
Colleen´s last blog ..Grace in Small Things – 87
Yay for you!!!
Please let us know when the episode will air. I will have to shift things around that day but I am flexible.
Amy!! I’ve been away from blogs for weeks and only caught on to what was going on via Twitter – wow! I am so excited that you went to Blissdom and cannot wait to see you on Dr. Phil…that is WILD. I’m proud of you for going for this, all of it, and I’m sure you’ll be happy to get home – but how amazing for your kids for you to have these experiences! Good for you. xoxo
Jordan´s last blog ..Sea Change: Lyle
I’m glad I got to meet you (Playgroupie introduced us Thurs nite and then I met you again on Sun right before I left and you were grabbing breakfast w/ Heather.)
You? Are awesome. I’ll be back to read more!
Trenches of Mommyhood´s last blog ..Cha Cha Cha
Lovely. You’ve earned it. But I’m sure you all ready know that.
Congratulations.
followingtheroad´s last blog ..Life should have a rewind button
Ahhh… I just got caught up on your blog. I think I may have made an appearance! I’m so proud of you. Cannot wait to see this air.
Hollee´s last blog ..Happy Meal Kids Are People, Too
woah, man.
woah.
(”woah,” in this instance, is equal to HOLYFRIGGINCRAPYESSS!, ftr.)
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2010/02/five-star-fridays-edition-91.html
schmutzie´s last blog ..Me at MamaPop: Kate Gosselin Is Coming Out with Another Book, And She Just Cut Off Her Stupid Hair Extensions, Because She Knows I Am So Right
Waiting for an updated with bated breath.
And I love your “year of living dangerously”, by the way. I have struggled through some of these same feelings and issues and taken my turn at “Yes I can,” and “Oh, I just can’t.” Go get ‘em, Amy, I’m cheering for you.
Hip Mom’s Guide´s last blog ..Farewell, Joseph Schmidt
Cheers to jumping. And to the tugs that torture, but remind us of home and heart. Wear that locket. Live your yes.
Lovely.
Take that bull by the horns and ride it Mrs. Chicken!
I’m cheering you on, every step my friend, every step.