This week was a total clusterfuck.
No, seriously. It just was, trust me. I’ll spare you the details (which included vomit in the car, oh yes, vomit IN THE CAR) but suffice to say it was one of those times when I wish I had an understudy.
You know, someone I could call to show up and take over my role for a day or two.
The role of Mommy will be played this evening by Oscar nominee Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Doesn’t Maggie just look like she’d be a hip mom who totally keeps her cool all the time? Or maybe Gwyneth Paltrow. Because she would feed my family organic goat’s milk yogurt made by a family of Greeks who feed their animals moonbeams and air, or some shit like that.
Because this week my kids ate Burger King (when they weren’t barfing the in the car) while I wrote some stuff that incited an angry Twitter mob and fielded phone calls about unexpected car repairs (one! thousand! dollars!) and made it through yet another round of budget/staff cuts at my day job and cried when my editor called me to revise the Angry Twitter Mob Post™ for the umpteenth time.
Oh, and my husband didn’t get a job.
AGAIN.
So, yeah. It would’ve been really fucking nice if Maggie or Gwyneth had shown up and taken over for me for awhile. But it’s Friday, my peeps. FUCKING FRIDAY.
I still have a shitload of work to do (hello, anyone out there want to write 1500 words on moms who cheat? what? no takers?) but did I mention that it is Friday?
I made me some noodle kugel and I’m going to play me some Bejeweled. Yeah, you heard me. I like to play Bejeweled. You wanna fight about it? ‘Cause I’ve been SPOILING for a fight this week, yo.
So I’m back. I thought I maybe sorta didn’t want to pay my hosting bill for this here blog-eroo, but I decided I still want to keep it around. It’s awfully pretty, thanks to Jon, so why not keep the old girl going?
And this is my 600th post. And that doesn’t even count my old blogspot blog, where I think I had something like 500 posts. I guess that means something, right? I don’t know what, but something.
So why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to? Or tell me a joke, preferably a dirty one with curse words. Because swearing is fun. And this weekend? I am all about the fun. And kugel. And maybe alcohol.
Or better yet, tell me who your understudy would be, if you had one. One, two, three … GO!
***
PS – For anyone who’s still interested, my episode of Dr. Phil will air on March 31. I, for one, will not be watching.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
ahhhh sweet pea. I know. It’s Friday, my husband is out of town and I just ate a bacon sandwich for dinner and I’m heading up to bed soon and leaving my house to the two ten year olds planning to sleep on the living room floor. Oh, and I’m bringing a glass of wine WITH me. Take care.
the sandwich life´s last blog ..Just a Few Random Notes from the Sandwich Life
Oh, and I have no idea who my understudy would be. Hmmm. Nope. No idea. Oh, and personally I think Maggie Maggie Gyllenhaal would lose her shit as much as we do…. You’re doing o.k….like just sucks sometimes….
the sandwich life´s last blog ..Just a Few Random Notes from the Sandwich Life
I want to know more about this article that cause the Twitter mob.
My understudy would be Angelina Jolie, because at this point she wouldn’t notice any more thrown on the pile and Sammy would have some boys to play with.
SoMo´s last blog ..Our Catholic Saga Continues
I’d have to go with Angelina Jolie, too. For purely superficial reasons. I would like for whoever to play me to be really, really pretty. But my husband doesn’t like her, so it’s a win-win.
C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Phonological Delay Disorder
I will be watching, and I love bejeweled. And my understudy would be anne hathaway.
Amy Jo´s last blog ..D is for Ducks
“Two flies are sitting on a pile of shit. One fly farts. The other one says, “Hey man…I’m trying to eat here!” -Drew Carey
My understudy would definitely be Madonna. She’s one tough chick/dude and nothing seems to get her down.
Congrats on your 600th post!
Well if the understudy was going to play true to character, they’d have to be someone already crazy like Elizabeth what’s her name. The one that was in Big?
Perkins!!! I knew I would remember. Fuck yeah!! (had to add that cause you were looking for swears and it seems like after this week you need someone who will heed your wishes).
Hang tough girl. And rock on w/your Bejeweled Blitz!
Glad to see you back here! You’ve been missed. Though, since I follow in microblogging world, I guess you didn’t too far.
I’m excited to see Dr. Phil! I’m sure it was great. Grab a glass of wine and watch it and enjoy- I’m sure you didn’t great!
(p.s. That’s a slow turn around for Dr. Phil- why a month and some later? Ellen films in the evening and they can edit and turn that sucker around in a day. Yes, different shows and subject matter, but, still. The article you went to talk about came out a while ago- wouldn’t it be more relevant to have aired the episode sooner? It’s nothing on you- I’m just wondering. Especially since early this fall I heard that the Dr. Phil show was struggling. Things that make you go hmmmm….)
brittnie´s last blog ..366
Reese Witherspoon. Or Jennifer Garner, but I’m afraid she might be better and more liked and I might not get my old job back.
So, what happened? Please vent.
I think you deserve a car detailing. And a martini. Or six.
hmmm….Jennifer Garner I think.
I had to have a meeting with the dr I employee who apparently thinks that he isn’t just an employee. Nothing like a man with an ego who promises to do whatever he can that thinks he is too fucking good for anything. SIGH.
Wanna trade lives for a couple days? I really think I would take puke in the car over being the boss this week.
pgoodness´s last blog ..Date night!
Hey I was cleaning puke for 2 days too!!! And my DH job situation sucks as well. My kids don’t know about burger king because their fast foos repertoire doesn’t need ANY additions right now.
But – if she had to be me I would pick Julia Roberts. I have loved her since Steel Magnolias.
Have a good weekend and hope next week is better
I missed the angry mob. I would have totally stood up for you (unless you were writing about loving to kick puppies).
And I’m marking Dr. Phil on my calendar, which is something I never ever thought I would say.
marty´s last blog ..Certain, I think.
Can I go with a male understudy?! I’d take either Eric Bana or Hugh Jackman.
Your idea of an understudy reminds me of Delia’s great post from last month – about wanting a wife to do the unpleasant chores. http://realdelia.com
I would require my wife or understudy to empty the dishwasher, make the coffee every morning, fold the laundry, and pick up the dog poo. Oh, and please get my car washed! This spring melt means muddy, dirty car no matter how hard I try to avoid the puddles.
Eva @ EvaEvolving´s last blog ..Sharing the love
I am going hunting for the angry twitter mob as soon as twitter gets itself up and running again!
Angry Twitter Mob? That would make me play Bejeweled, too. Understudy? I dunno. How about Bjork? (The idea makes me laugh, so can’t be all bad. Though Sigourney Weaver in “Alien” would probably be more appropriate.)
No! Wait! Linda Hamilton, circa Terminator 2.
There. That’s three.
Willing easier times your way.
Amanda´s last blog ..Shadow Ghosts
I want to hear about the Twitter mob.
Dude, I don’t care who my understudy is played by, as long as one shows up. Heck, if I can give her the ear infection I’ve got, that’d be even better.
Ive got nothing funny really….well except that I made my first cake by hand yesterday and a friend told me it looked like it belonged on cakewrecks. That made me laugh.
Issa´s last blog ..Issa makes a cake…also see: Issa has lost her mind
Oh and I adore bejeweled. I can’t ever beat my best friend’s score though. She’s the champion, or she somehow cheats. One of those.
Issa´s last blog ..Issa makes a cake…also see: Issa has lost her mind
I so want my understudy to be Tina Fey.
My motto to get you through the crap: Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Sarahviz´s last blog ..Notsomuch a 24-Hour Virus
I am with Issa, if an understudy shows up that would be just peachy.
Also, you encited an angry Twitter mob? I must know more!
Heather from Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Flashback Friday-The Closet Edition
I’m going to be brutally honest and say I wish I did have an understudy. It would have to be an identical twin sister (who I don’t have, but yo, you
guys don’t have those fabulous famous people either) because my 4year boyfriend/partner has informed me he would love to cheat on me with an imaginary twin sister because if she looked just like me it wouldn’t count as cheating. And I’m all WTF but at the same time I’m like, well, yeah, that would be great actually.
Mammapie´s last blog ..Three steps forward
I’ll take Miss Natalie Portman for my understudy. She is small (like imagine myself until I walk by a mirror, at least I was 10 years ago) and quirky (I am probably less quirky, but I think it is healthy) and would probably speak in a kind and positive voice (yeah, I wish mine was a little more positive).
Car puke is the worst. We had that happen in the dead of winter. After freezing my finger tips off using the steam cleaner, I opened the windows and stuck a large bowl of vinegar in the car over night. It helped. Just don’t forget to pour it out before you drive off.
Crystal D´s last blog ..Makin’ Dough with Amelia
Oh look. Here I am not reading this post until Monday. I like to look on the bright side. Can’t believe that would include Mondays.
I hope things are better.
toyfoto´s last blog ..Why do they even listen to me? They know I know not of what I speak
Okay, so, seriously, I am a bit behind in my own life so I just read this post today, which is the Thursday after you wrote it. And I kept thinking to myself, “What?! It’s FRIDAY? How did that happen? Did I miss an ENTIRE day?” Because when you’re too busy, sometimes that’s entirely possible.
Hang in there chicky. Crank up the music and grab yourself that drink. Because tomorrow is Friday. Again.
[head pokes in]
Smile.
Wink.
Blows kiss.
[head ducks out]
Amanda´s last blog ..Our Time
sorry so late to this — but here, supporting you…
slouchy´s last blog ..A History of Naïveté
hmmmn… maybe mary louise parker without the selling drugs part… i just love her hair and her nonchalance.
themsrevolution´s last blog ..mothers of invention: autumn