It’s one of those times when you have to close your eyes.
There are uncontrollable circumstances all around me and I find myself bound and gagged by the increasing visibility of my real life online. I’m not hidden anymore. I no longer have the freedom to let loose my demons here. I can’t share my fears and frustrations the way I used to.
There are too many people out there who could stumble here and find my words. There are feelings that could be hurt, work that could be compromised.
Two weeks ago, I had an argument with my husband. It was stupid and small, the kind of fight that is a symptom of a much larger issue. Later, as I wept in his arms, the truth spilled out with my tears.
I don’t want to be a grown-up anymore, I said.
He asked me why.
Because I’m not cut out for it.
I am overwhelmed with work, drowning in things I could do and things I want to do, barely able to keep my head above the waterline marked “Things I Have to Do.” I’m hardly ever home anymore, I miss my children. I miss the illusion of order that I used to have.
But then I remember how bored and restless and resentful I was before the work came.
I’m struggling now. I want to write and the more I work the farther away I get from words on a page. I’m selling, I’m pushing, I’m beholden to customers and metrics and binding legal agreements. I hate it, I love it. I can’t make up my mind on how far I want to go.
I made commitments. And honoring those commitments keeps me moving, darting, twisting through days littered with obstacles, some of my own making.
Then the night comes, and I kiss my son’s cheek, as firm as a ripe peach. I stretch out next to my daughter as she falls asleep in her pink-gingham bed and I apologize into her hair. I miss them, even as I push myself to secure their future during my busy days.
This is the life I chose. This is the life I have. This is the life I am committed to.
So many times in my life I’ve come close to the sun, and each time I singed my wings. I’m so close now that I can feel the heat on my face.
I’m doing the best I can to stay aloft.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I understand.
Molly´s last blog ..Why I quilt, embroider, sew, crochet, etc, etc. …
Oh, I hear you.
Blogging in anonymity sounds like such a lovely thing. I’d love to spill out my feelings in type without hurting everyone around me in one fell swoop. Then, I realize I used to do this in a personal journal (the kind with pen and ink—how quaint!) and then it becomes just one more thing to do and I feel stuck.
Stay aloft even if you just have one hand hanging on and the other doing everything else.
Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..The scream
Hang in there; you are at a truly HARD challenging time of life.
Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Spin Cycle: Appearance
Wonderful post. You’re not alone in these frustrations…
Jonathan´s last blog ..A child of the Star Wars generation
And yet your words spill forth as beautifully as ever, and your love for your children shines through the frustrations that you resent. You’re doing it, babe — it’s not easy, but you’re doing it.
And we’re still in your corner. No matter how high you fly or far you go, you’ll always be “Mrs. Chicken” to me.
That’s so hard. There are no simple solutions to offer, but I’m so glad you made time to get these thoughts out here. I bet it made you feel a bit lighter, plus it helps so many of us feel less alone.
I get it. I’m drowning in work – the same work I asked for and finally got. Catch -22. And not only can I not talk about it on my blog, I just wouldn’t have the time anyway.
annettek´s last blog ..kicking cancer’s ass one science post at a time
But maybe you are called to be transparent like this in a world where so many people wear masks. Your witness to this struggle tells so many others that we are not alone and it gives us hope.
Mmmm, friend, you speak many of the words in my own heart. Each day brings new people, their places lapping ever closer to my own. As to the work struggle, it is part of this exquisitely impossible and magical journey of parenting and marriage. There are times when I think that the crumbling, which I did last night in Sean’s arms, tears taking the place of words, when we are closest to getting it right. You are aware, you are trying, an absence of fear or desire to bolt would be artificial. You are so very real and beautiful.
Amanda´s last blog ..Intentions
You’ve so beautifully described this common struggle. I know it doesn’t help to hear it’s common, though.
Just know you’re not alone. Love to you, girl.
Maggie, dammit´s last blog ..I’m here.
Oh so true. Hard to balance your life when your life gets bigger. I love/hate my job everyday. And I often apologize into my daughter’s hair. Beautifully put.
Grateful Twin Mom´s last blog ..Oh, the Pressure!
I’m struggling too right now. Big time. So, just big hugs for you, from me.
Rachael´s last blog ..35 Weeks: UGH
(Lurker…I think we’ve danced around each other online before…)
You’re so not alone. There is so much I want to say in my space but can’t. So much to do, so little time, whether self-created or not.
Then I get to smooth the boy’s hair out of their eyes and (almost) all else falls away.
Headless Mom´s last blog ..Sunday Baking
Even with no time, you still manage to write poetically. Hope you can work it all out.
Run ANC´s last blog ..The Long Run
Everyone already said it, but you are not alone.
Hang in there, mama.
Carrie´s last blog ..Pulled Pork and Homemade Milkshakes
(((hugs)))
Love you girl….I know its hard but it is worth it. I know it!
Heather from Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Taking A Step Back
oh, man- I feel the same way so often. Sometimes I just want a vacation from adulthood.
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