BlogHer emailed me this morning to say that it’s been a month since I’ve posted here.
A month!
There was a time when I couldn’t go 24 hours without spilling my guts here. While my reasons for being absent are good ones — I’m writing a lot in other places, places that actually pay me — I miss the freedom to just write what I want.
But then, when I have a minute to ruminate on what I’d like to craft, it’s bath time or time to bake Christmas cookies. Or time to tweet or update Facebook for my work. The moment passes, and, with it, any inspiration I might have had.
I haven’t been tweeting a lot lately, either, on my personal account. I find it so noisy now. I love knowing what you all are up to, but when I step away from my feed for 24 hours there are so many snippets of life to scroll through that I get lost.
I feel like I can’t hear anything anymore.
I feel like my ear is turning into tin. The moments that I used to capture and preserve speed by. I also feel like I’ve written these paragraphs over and over during the last six months, the time during which my career has really started to rock and roll.
Don’t get me wrong — that’s good news. But I’m missing the freedom my mind had to wander. Now it’s stuffed full of deadlines and assignments and metrics. I can’t tell stories anymore. At least not stories of my own crafting. It’s beginning to wear on me. A diarist from a young age, the intimacy of detailing my days kept me sane for such a long time.
I feel like I’m forgetting things. Important things.
I know my kids are feeling it, too. Henry tells me, before we leave for playgroup, that he can’t get his shoes because he has to “check something on his computer first.”
It makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. I know the kids yell because I don’t hear them the first time they say something to me. I’m zoned out, thinking of something clever to say, something that will get you to click on links and drive up those page views.
Last year, I resolved to live dangerously. And I think I did. This year, I think I need to resolve to live consciously. To live in the present. To listen, and to remember. To write about the great and complicated love that I have for my children. To write about the ways in which my past informs my present.
To write about the things that matter to me the most.
To write from my heart again.
I know so many of the people who used to gather here are gone. When the well runs dry, they slake their thirst elsewhere and you know what? I’m OK with that. That’s how I started. With a blank page and an empty room. I was talking to myself, about my own life.
I need to do that again.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I have a feeling that as long as you write, they’ll keep coming back. Because you are one of the great ones:) xo
Hollee Temple´s last blog ..Talk-Back Tuesday- Do Children Lose Out When We Multitask
i’m still here.
slouchy´s last blog ..Amagrams
You are still in my reader. In a folder called “When they updated.” I like your perspective, I’ll be here when you have a chance to share your thoughts. No pressure. If I’m not reading you, I’m juggling my own writing with my own two kids.
I’m still here!
What a great post. I remember the days when my first immediate thought was that I couldn’t wait to write this down for my blog. Now with my career jumping as well I seem to be living in the moment, but yet not really capturing it and absorbing it. I like your idea of “living consciously”
I think what I miss most about writing my blog is the satisfaction that I was able to compile the jumbled thoughts on love, children, life and career and make them into something that helped me focus better.
I remember you. I miss your writings here but I sooo get this.
annettek´s last blog ..Taps
Still here too! And so excited every time I see a new post. Love, love, love, your writing but understand the inability to do it all…
I’m still here. I know all too well how life gets in the way of what we want to do. Hopefully you cand find that balance….and let me know how you did it.
Balance. You need to find your balance. I have complete faith in your ability to find it over the next year.
Just know, you are in my always folder in my reader. Once a month, once a week, or once a year, Doesn’t matter. You remain in my always folder.
Issa´s last blog ..You were the one
oh sweet friend.
I love this.
I feel this.
<3
You’re in my reader…. if you write I read!
It’s good that life is busy and full though!
Colleen´s last blog ..Picture the Holidays – Every Little Thing
I hear you! I just spent a month away from my blog and it felt like being locked out of my house, always having a huge shopping list of tasks to check off before I could get to the good stuff … and there was never time for the good stuff.
I’m glad you are back – love your blog! Congrats on your career – that’s really exciting and it sounds like you worked hard at it.
pamela hunt´s last blog ..Locked Out
I’m still here too, and as long as you keep writing, I will be. I’m trying to get back to writing more too. You have an amazing ability to capture a moment in words, and I can’t wait to read more of yours!
Who knew? The BlogHer ads *are* good for something!
Nice to see you writing here, too.
You can’t get rid of me that easily.
marty´s last blog ..I love you- but I hate your dog
I have been missing in action as well, and am feeling the pull to go back to it. Always happy to read your words.
When I initially commented I clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a remark is added I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any means you can remove me from that service? Thanks!