We had to meet in a coffee shop.
She has a new job, and I’m her only private client.
(Client? Patient? Friend?)
I have a cold. Actually, an infection. Bronchitis. It’s as if my body threw up its hands and said, “You won’t stop this crazy shit, so I am shutting you DOWN, lady.”
Shut down I am. But I went out in the dark and cold to drink a bitter cup of tea with honey in a little pastic packet to talk to her. Or, rather, so she could talk to me.
I can barely speak above a whisper and for once, I was well-served by my silence.
You give other people your power, she said.
She said it over and over and over in 20 different ways. She illustrated her point using her natural gift for verbal punctuation, a thimble of half-and-half, two jelly tubs and three packets of artificial sweetener.
You are more than you give yourself credit for. You have to quiet those voices in your head that tell you that you are bad, wrong, weak, silly. You are not a ninny. You are strong. You are talented.
Stop giving away your power.
All I could do was nod as she moved her makeshift chess pieces around the sticky formica table top. I was speechless. Mute, dumb if you will. I looked at my hands, and my mug. I did my best not to look at her. She dipped her head so I had no choice but to see her eyes.
Stop it, she told me.
I don’t know how, I replied.
And I don’t. Buy maybe, I can learn.
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You will. You can. It just takes time.
Many years ago, a friend of mine was doing graduate work in theater. She decided to look at stage presence in everyday settings. She remarked how I was an example of someone whose presence was much larger than my physical body. Everyone we were with agreed, quite vehemently. I was stunned. When given the choice, I usually try to fade into the background, and I thought I did. Fading has become my habit, but it’s really not my nature. I hope to kick the habit someday. I hope you will, too. x
Trust me, you will be able to one of these days. You will learn it.
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I identified with this quite a bit. I’m usually the person being pulled in twenty different directions because I don’t know how to say “no” to people.
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You can. You will.
I could really feel what you were going through here. Just remember, you were sick and so you weren’t feeling your best. Illness really brings us down emotionally. As for the other stuff, it all takes time. But boy, you sure can write! Celebrate that one, lady!