My midwife called me 30 minutes before my appointment yesterday morning.
I had one leg in my shorts and the other in the air, The Poo was yelling about wanting to paint, and I had to skip my shower because we were running late.
Did I mention it was 8:45 a.m.?
She asked me if the perinatologist had [...]

This might need to be filed under the “TMI” category, but people.
My crotch is fucking KILLING me.
When we had our last ultrasound, it was revealed that Shaggy Boy’s head is lodged deep in my pelvis. Normally this would be very good news indeed, seeing as his sister was breech.
However, since I will be having a [...]

While you’re reading this, I’m (trying to) sleep on a 40-year-old sectional sofa in a three-bedroom ranch house steeped in 45-plus years of cigarette smoke.
Ah, Cleveland, how I love you.
Showering in the basement. Listening to the TV at decibels previously reserved for the profoundly deaf among us. The pantry stocked with packaged foods.
My husband’s grandparents [...]

Most of you know that I flunked my three-hour glucose test - and rather spectacularly, to quote the midwife - and the likely scenario is insulin for the remainder of my last trimester.
It makes sense - I had a mild case with The Poo, and I’ve felt so very, very crappy this time. I just [...]

Today I had the fine pleasure of having a camera stuffed up my urethra.
This, after I waited for the doctor for more than an hour and 45 minutes. Because, you know, he is a very busy man.
And we all know that a doctor, and especially one with a penis, is far, far busier than any [...]

I feel like all I do lately is moan and groan.
So you know what? I’m goin’ with it. What the hell, I’m a sucker for a trend.
The Poo is on the mend, but her sleep cycle is allllll fucked up, thanks to our nocturnal visit to the ER Monday night. Monday night she woke up [...]

I am so sorry, dear readers.
It is 4:30 a.m. and I have been awake or restlessly, lightly asleep since midnight. I cannot breathe. I cannot stop coughing. I ache from head to toe and I can only sleep on my left side.
I had two interviews scheduled for later today, with expert sources for two columns. [...]

To the urologist:
If you do not plan on seeing me until 3:40, please do not ask me to arrive at your office at 2:15 p.m. - especially if you plan on speaking to me for three minutes before telling me I need to come back in three weeks for an ultrasound and a bladder scope.
Oh, [...]

Guess who gets to go for a three-hour glucose test next Wednesday?
It was just what I’d hoped for - to sit for an additional five hours in my OB’s office just to be told what I already know - I have The Diabetis, as we call it in our house.
I failed my one-hour test today,  [...]

This is the second time I’ve been pregnant, and the second time I’ve had a really, really terrible haircut.
I can’t fault my stylist - she’s doing the best she can with what she’s got. I mean, I’m the moron who decided that blunt bangs just above my eyebrows was a really awesome idea.
Next time I’m [...]